Forever Love

  “Probably. But that’s pretty classy. I want someone to send me a text saying they miss my penis.”

  Macy takes her phone in her hand and types out a message. “Done.”

  Picking my phone up, I look at the text I just got. I miss your penis.

  “You’ve never seen my penis.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Have you?” I’m shocked we haven’t talked about this. I saw her naked once. I thought it was Madison. And they look different naked so I clearly figured that one out rather quickly.

  “No. I’m teasing. I’ve never seen your penis.”

  I wink. “Do you want to?”

  “Cash!”

  I hold up my palms. “I’m teasing!”

  “Yeah, sure you are.”

  “Mostly, I was.” I wink again. She knows I’m just fucking with her but at this point, I’m drunk enough I would probably have shown her. I’m not really shy about that kind of thing.

  We stand against the wall when a song by P!nk comes on and Macy starts singing along to it. She has an amazing voice. Not only can she cook some of the best food I’ve ever tasted, her singing talent alone could give her a life she only dreamed of.

  “You should get on that America’s Got Talent or American Idol… whatever that shit is called.”

  She waves me off dismissively finishing her beer and setting the bottle down on the counter behind her.

  “You need to, Macy. You have the talent.”

  She stares at me pointing her finger in my face. “Cash… drop it.”

  I do only because I don’t want to piss her off tonight. Maybe tomorrow but tonight I want her to have fun. She deserves that much.

  Macy and I take to dancing when “Blurred Lines” comes on.

  “I love this song!” She squeals in my ear, pushing me toward the fireplace where there’s less people around.

  I’m safe for her to dance with. She knows I’m not going to push anything or grab her inappropriately. But I am drunk so my hands wander. A little.

  When they fall on her ass, she doesn’t do anything to stop me. Instead, she turns around and presses her back into my chest looking over her shoulder at me. The way her body feels against mine reminds me of Madison, only Macy’s hair is shorter and lighter.

  My problem is she’s fucking working her ass against my dick and I’m not gonna lie here, you grind against a guy long enough and they’ll get hard.

  And that was happening. With probably my best friend these days.

  Not cool.

  I step back and create a little distance between us but I don’t let go of her hips. I know when I do, guys will be all over her. She’s not looking at me but then she moves her ass closer again and works it. And I do mean works it. She fucking had her hips grinding like she was trying to get me to come. I probably could have, had I been closer. I felt instantly sick to my stomach. It was wrong that I actually thought about it, but fuck, she put those thoughts there when she asked me if I ever thought about it.

  Now what the hell is she doing?

  Testing me?

  It confuses me, makes me wonder what she’s thinking so I lean in. “Stop, Macy. You’re making me hard.”

  Her cheeks flush and she swallows, eyes fluttering closed like she’s embarrassed. “Sorry.”

  “I’m not trying to be a dick. Just… I’m drunk.” I whisper in her ear and then brush my lips over her cheek. “You keep that shit up and I’ll do something stupid.”

  You know what? She kept it up.

  Macy smiles, too seductive for her own good. She doesn’t know bad, but she tries. She’ll never be bad. It’s actually kind of cute in a Macy way.

  My eyes drop to her hips when the song changes to a slower beat but one with a lot of bass. I recognize the song but can’t place it. Macy turns throwing her arms around my neck. “I’m so drunk.”

  That’s obvious. She is. She’s so fucking tossed but so am I. We both laugh and start dancing again. This time one of my legs is between hers. She starts grinding on it like she wants me to pursue this. Every few beats, she brushes against my dick and it’s only a minute into the song and I feel myself growing hard. Another minute and I’m straining against my jeans. She’s wearing this tiny little skirt and I know, based on the fact that there’s only thin fabric separating her from me, she feels my dick. I hate that it feels good every time she pushes against me. I hate it because this isn’t right and I’m no different from Landon if I allow this.

  And then she looks at me. She’s going to say something.

  Don’t say it.

  Don’t.

  “Do something stupid.” Macy says, whispering in my ear, still moving against my hips and panting.

  Ah fuck. There it is. She’s testing me.

  She wants me to and it’s such unfamiliar territory for me because she’s Macy Thomas. She’s Madison’s twin sister. She’s Landon’s girl. She’s my friend…

  I grab her by the wrist, a little rougher than I probably needed to and lead her down the hall where there’s about ten people making out in seclusion. She looks at me as I back her against the wall and press myself against her.

  “Is this what you want? Me?” I whisper in her ear and then pull back to look at her. Bright blues question my intentions. “I’m not Landon, Macy. I don’t fuck like him either.”

  Her eyes widen, she doesn’t know what to make of that statement, and I know she’s curious now. I can tell she is by the way her breath expels faster and her cheeks flush again. I let my eyes travel south and back up just a touch creating an inch of space between us. When I look at her like this she reminds me of Madison before the accident and it’s kind of refreshing. But still, she’s not Madison. She’s not the girl who owns my heart and wrecks my fucking life. I won’t make a bad situation even worse.

  I think she’s expecting me to say something else. I don’t. I don’t have any other answer for her. At least not one she’ll be satisfied with.

  At first, she doesn’t press for one either. She shouldn’t.

  Macy shifts her feet and leans against the wall with her shoulders sticking her breasts out. My eyes drift south again. It’s only natural. “I wouldn’t know…”

  “Know what?” I let my stare find hers.

  “How you fuck.”

  She’s gonna make a fucking fool of me. I know it.

  “Fine,” I take my left hand that’s pressed into the wall beside her head and reach for the button of my jeans. “Wanna find out… right now? You’re barely wearing anything. All I’d have to do is push your panties aside.” I raise an eyebrow at her.

  I don’t want her to answer me.

  Don’t.

  Macy swallows when my lips are an inch from hers. I’m not going to kiss her. I can’t. But she thinks I am and it does exactly what I’m trying to prove to her. She doesn’t want this.

  Her eyes are distant, like she’s imagining what I’m like. I don’t want her thinking that way but I don’t stop her.

  I don’t say anything. I let my mind wander that way too. She’s a softer touch. And warmer smile. I press against her hard, her back hits the wall again.

  A shaking hand rises and she swallows again. “Don’t…”

  I give her a smile and bury my head in her neck. Macy needs this, right here. She needs to know that no matter how bad Landon treats her, one, he still loves her. And two, she’s sexy.

  “You’re a fucking tease.” I say, biting her neck.

  She giggles and pushes me back wiping away the wetness my mouth left on her.

  “And you made my penis hard.”

  That gets her relaxing again and she rolls her eyes. “You’re such a fucking weirdo, Cash.”

  “Well, come on tease. I’m hungry.”

  Macy tenses and I have to laugh. Shaking my head I pull her with me. “For pizza. I’m hungry for pizza.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  I never had any intention of doing anything with Macy. Never would. She’s off limits and I�
�m not Landon. What I meant to do was show her that just because she’s my friend and Landon’s an asshole doesn’t make her invisible.

  We went and ate pizza, drank more, and the night was going good until I decided that sticking a straw in a bottle of Jack Daniels was easier than taking shots.

  It wasn’t all bad. Well, it was when Macy spilled her drink on me. But hey, not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing. I was burning up. I feel like someone slipped me ecstasy or something.

  We’re on our way back to the dorms because campus security politely asked me to remove myself from the middle of the road, where I was apparently sleeping at one point. I’m a lazy drunk. I get drunk and tired and then crash wherever. My freshman year I even earned myself the nickname Crash.

  I once slept on the floor of the frozen food section of Walmart because I got sleepy looking for frozen pizzas one night after a party.

  Everything is swaying as I walk and I feel like I’m walking in a straight line, but it’s an effort. Like walking up a wall or something.

  “I’m hot.” I could feel the sweat beading down my back. Or maybe it was rain? I can’t tell at this point.

  Macy laughs. “Yes, Cash. You are.” She tries like hell to pull me along. “Come on, bud, let’s get you to bed.”

  I stop walking. “No, I mean. I’m sweating.” I look down at her. “Do you think that’s why people get drunk and fuck?”

  Her look becomes concerned.

  “I think it’s because you get hot, take your clothes off and then once you’re naked you have to have sex.”

  “I think you think too much.”

  “I don’t understand. It’s a great penis and she doesn’t appreciate it!” I yell in the courtyard, for everyone to hear.

  “You don’t have to run to Madison, you know.” Macy says, trying to make me see that there are other options. It’s pretty fucking pathetic that I’ve had the same booty call for three years. “You could use your hand.”

  “I do. A lot. My hand gets pretty sore at times.” Macy starts laughing to the point she can’t walk. Which is a problem because she’s holding me up. I point my finger at her. “If you tell anyone that I’m going to kill you.”

  She laughs harder.

  And harder until she can’t breathe.

  “That wasn’t supposed to be funny, Macy.” I try my hardest to keep a straight face but I can’t.

  Soon we’re sitting on the grass laughing at each other, practically in tears. “But it’s more than that with Madison.” I say when I can speak again. “I don’t go there for that. It happens but most of the time when I call her… it’s like I’m barely holding on any more. I can’t take one more hour without seeing her.”

  “How often do you guys get together?” Macy stands and brushes off her jeans, then reaches down to help me up. “I thought it was like once in a while.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her when she helps me up. “Ha. It’s like once a week. Well, maybe not that often but like when football practice starts up there are times I go over to her dorm every morning before my morning practice.”

  “That’s called an obsession, Cash.”

  I sigh, completely defeated, if I wasn’t earlier. “See… stop putting titles on my fucked up life. It’s depressing.”

  We’re inside her dorm and I’m not entirely sure why I’m not in mine but I give up trying to figure that out and fall on her bed with her.

  “Were you really going to kiss me?” Macy asks when my head is on her shoulder.

  “No.” I say honestly, because I wouldn’t. “But I totally would have licked your cheek.”

  “Do you really want to see my penis?” I ask, tucking my hands under my cheek. “I mean… you sent that text.”

  “Cash?”

  “Yes?”

  “Stop offering to show me your penis.”

  “Ok.” I sigh, my eyes drifting closed. “But it’s really very nice. You’re missing out.”

  “Uh huh.”

  October 20, 2013

  There’s something stabbing my side and I realize it’s an elbow. Macy’s elbow as we lay side by side, fully clothed on her twin bed. “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re like trying to sleep next to a fucking chicken wing.”

  “I like my own space.” She pushes against me trying to get more room. “And no one said you had to stay at my place.”

  “Apparently you like your own space.” Clutching my side I groan and curl into myself. She rocked me harder than some of the hits I take. “I think you kidney punched me last night.”

  Macy grabs a hoodie from the floor and pulls it over her shoulders. “Don’t be a bitch. Like I said, you could have went to your dorm.”

  “Whatever. I couldn’t walk last night much less find my own dorm.” I point out. “I could have been date raped.”

  “Highly unlikely.”

  “I’m attractive.”

  “Uh huh… and I saw your penis last night. So we’ve covered that and we’re even for you seeing me naked junior year.”

  I’m a little surprised by her remark, but then again, I’m not because I’ve been known to whip it out whenever when I’m drunk. “When did you see it? Did you date rape me?”

  “No, dumb ass, I didn’t date rape you.” She shoves my shoulder, laughing. “You had to pee and just whipped it out. You owe me a new plant by the way. I don’t think it liked urine.”

  “Shit.” I look over at her plant next to the door. “I peed on your plant?”

  “Yep. And on the floor.”

  Heather, Macy’s roommate, comes around the corner from the bathroom and into Macy’s room and stands there—staring at me—wearing her footie pajamas.

  I watch her for a second and then smile. “Morning.”

  She winks at me, turns around and takes a selfie so she can see me over her shoulder, and then gives me that once over, her smile growing.

  I shake my head laughing when Macy yells at her and tells her to go back in her room.

  “What’s her deal?”

  Macy smiles. “She tried to see your penis.”

  I turn to look at her again, smiling. “You really saw my penis?”

  Macy rolls her eyes and tosses my hoodie by the door at me. “Yes, Cash. I saw your penis.”

  “Was it nice?” It’s clear I’m still drunk, even the room is still spinning.

  “Cash?” Macy looks at me seriously, and I think she’s about to burst out laughing but she doesn’t.

  “Yeah?”

  “Shut up.”

  I nod. That’s probably a good idea. Penis conversation isn’t good with your friends. The nodding makes me realize how bad I’m fucked up today. “My head hurts. And my stomach. Jesus.”

  She looks offended. “You didn’t have to sleep in my bed.”

  “Why did I?”

  “Because you were scared of the dark and said you saw a spider.”

  I nod, I do shit like that when I’m drunk. Freshman year I slept in Saylor’s bed with him once. He wasn’t pleased with me after that but I’m a loveable guy and he couldn’t resist me.

  “Go to practice.” Macy says, yawning.

  Holy fuck. I check the time and see it’s six and I was supposed to be at practice in the gym an hour ago. “Shit!”

  “Yeah.” She nods tossing my shoes at me, one at a time.

  “I’m so fucking dead!” I run toward the door.

  “Cash?”

  I turn to face Macy again. “What?”

  She motions to my lower half. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

  I look down and see my pants are gone. “Right…”

  November 24, 2013

  The next few weeks I’m playing game after game and six days a week of practice. Then on Sundays we go over game footage with the team and practice afterwards.

  We travel to California to play Stanford. It’s not an easy loss, 26-20.

  It destroys our hopes at a national championship.

  The following weekend we get our game b
ack and beat the Utes, 44-21.

  The entire month it’s rare I’m not at the gym or practicing.

  I tell myself I’m not going to go to her. But I still go to her in the mornings. I go more often than I should.

  I can’t help myself. I want to but it seems the longer this goes on, the more I crave it. It’s never far from my mind what’s happening either. I told her to stay away from Jay and the cocaine but I can tell by the dilated eyes she’s not listening. It hurts. I see what’s happening but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

  I turn my aggression toward football.

  After we play Arizona, and we lose big time, 42-16, none of us are in a very good mood when we get back to campus. Sunday night, despite school tomorrow, most of us get wasted.

  Parties aren’t my thing but there’s nothing else to do in college at night when you don’t feel like studying. So we party.

  I’m wandering, annoyed with our playing the last night and looking to forget. Though I had some good numbers and threw 308 yards with two touchdowns, I also had two interceptions.

  What I remember most were those two throws that got picked off. I can tell you every pick I’ve ever thrown. They stay with you. Always.

  I can tell you the game, the quarter, hell, I can even tell you the players who picked it off.

  I’m not even sure why I can tell you all that. When did I throw my first touchdown pass?

  No clue.

  But those picks, man, they always did a number on me because I was always so precise on the field.

  That game wasn’t easy on any of us and we can only hope to get a chance at a BCS bowl game now after our second loss.

  Couples surround me, some fucking against the wall I’m leaned into, while others try to engage in conversation with me. I don’t bother. There’s no sense.

  This house is one I’ve been to before, another football player, Tathan, who’s on defensive that’s graduating this year. It’s clear his roommate is a photography major by the endless photos on the walls in the hallway. To my left, my eyes scan over the ones from a birthday party they had for Tathan here a few weeks back.