Forever Love

  Saylor and Holden laugh beside me. I don’t even crack a smile.

  I’m being cocky but my stomach clenches, anger and adrenaline rushing through me at the thoughts of what he’s getting at. Colton doesn’t say shit like this to me unless it’s leading somewhere.

  I don’t like where this is going.

  Colton laughs folding his arms over his bare chest, his eyes burning into mine willing me to react. “No man, before that?” His chin raises and he gives me a head nod. I want to knock his motherfucking teeth in.

  He’s trying to piss me off and you know what, I’m the fucking bait and turn around.

  “Why are you asking me this?”

  Colton laughs, and I’m ready to kill him. “Maybe because she was sucking Jay’s dick in a parking lot for blow.” He thinks this shit is funny. “She was begging him for it.”

  No fucking way.

  She wouldn’t do that.

  She loves me, right?

  Wrong.

  As pissed as I am right now, I find a little humor in his remark. A little. I’m not even sure what part. Maybe all of it. Maybe the part about what she asked for. Madison doesn’t ask for anything. She doesn’t know how to.

  Or does she? I know what I need to do first. Who I need to see.

  Landon knows where I’m about to go.

  He holds up a hand to stop me, as if he can. Deep down he’s dealt with me enough to know trying to stop me is pointless. “He’s dangerous.”

  “Don’t you have to go get high or something?” I brush past him hitting his shoulder with my own.

  There’s danger in this world and it doesn’t come from what you’d think.

  It doesn’t come from violence or a gun. It comes from hatred.

  It comes from anger that blinds you.

  Jay Lucas isn’t hard to find. Look in any alley around school and you’re bound to find the guy. I’ve known of Jay for about a year now. I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to go to him. I should have went to him when I found the cocaine the first time knowing damn well Madison wasn’t going to stop unless the temptation was gone.

  I know enough about Jay to know he’s not someone you want to have any encounters with.

  I find him at a frat house down the street from campus. He’s on the deck dealing shit he has no business dealing. The guy’s nearly thirty and dealing to kids shit they can’t afford.

  When I take the first step, the wood creaks under my feet. There are two other guys leaning against the railing, skinny as fuck and strung out. My eyes sweep to them and then back to Jay.

  For a moment, Jay ignores my presence and focuses solely on the ground, like I’m not even there.

  Then, when he does look at me, he studies me, dark troubled eyes find mine, his black hoodie pulled up over his head.

  One would think he’s wondering what this kid wants when really, he’s looking for my weakness. The problem is, he knows my weakness before I even approach.

  “You need to stay away from Madison.” I say standing right in front of him. I can smell the alcohol on him from two feet away. The empty bottles on the table beside the white plastic chair confirm he’s already had a few.

  He doesn’t say a goddamn thing and sits down in the chair with his legs kicked out as he slouches to one side, as if my presence here means nothing to him. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to do this right now because I know the outcome.

  I shove my hands in my pockets knowing this was a bad idea and I feel it in my gut all of a sudden. It seems I piss him off, if not for my presence, but the fact that I opened my mouth in the first place.

  “I don’t know who you’re talking about.” He’s not looking at me, he’s staring at the ground. “I can’t control who wants it and who doesn’t.”

  Bullshit. It’s all fucking bullshit. He knows who I’m talking about.

  I don’t want to do this right now but if he wants it, I’ll gladly show him how I play this fucking game.

  He’s fucking lying.

  I step forward and his boys beside him watch me carefully, waiting on his word to step in. “Hey, look, she has a problem.” I try to be calm about this. Yeah, I’m angry but Jay Lucas isn’t exactly a guy I want to start a war with. “You’re hurting her. You hurt her, and I’m going to hurt you.”

  “Is that so?” He smiles, my words entertaining to him. “They all have problems. She wants it. Who am I to deny her?”

  “That’s the reason it’s a fucking problem!” Fuck being calm. I’m getting pissed and he knows it. He’s counting on it. “Stop! Don’t give it to her! She doesn’t know what she wants?” I’m shaking and losing control. He’s taken my life from me and he knows it.

  He fucking knows it.

  He knows what he’s doing to her.

  He leans forward pushing himself from the chair, his body steady. He’s not looking at me, instead his eyes are on the ground and that’s somewhat more intimidating, if I was intimated by a guy like Jay. “So what… you think it’s you she wants?”

  “You think you know her but you don’t.” I say, in sort of a whisper but my voice carries with the wind as I look down at him. I have probably three inches on him and maybe twenty pounds. “How long have you been fucking her?”

  He laughs.

  Laughs.

  Like this shit is funny.

  It probably is to him.

  “Tell me,” he finally looks up at me, dark brown eyes seem darker than they should. Dude’s smoked too much of his own shit if you ask me, “what’s your problem? You mad about the drugs she takes or that you’re not enough for her so she sucks my dick too?”

  Anger’s a funny thing.

  I like to think I can handle my own and when I’m mad, even better for me because anger is on my side. I want to fucking kill this guy for the shit he’s done to Madison. It’s not like I stand a chance against him and his boys, and I know this. But I try despite that. I try because this is my girl he’s put in danger. My girl he’s been fucking. And that is what makes me see red.

  I should be afraid of Jay Lucas. What this son of a bitch should fear is the man who has nothing left to lose.

  He’s far more dangerous.

  It’s not even her doing drugs. Or him giving the drugs to her.

  It’s that he’s been fucking her. That’s what kills me. I thought I came here to tell him to stop giving her the drugs when really, I want him to stop taking her.

  I don’t know why I was so blind. It makes me hate backseat promises and forever.

  As angry as I am, I know there’s some boundaries with a guy like Jay. I’m not stupid. It has me hesitating.

  My blood starts boiling as I imagine the shit he’s done to her and what she’s let him do. I don’t say anything else, instead, my temper gets the best of me and I shove him back against the chair he was just sitting in.

  He finally looks at me, his body tensed as he picks himself up and stands straight. “Am I going to have to teach you a lesson?”

  “Fuck you!”

  It’s as sudden as I expect it to be when his fist connects with my jaw. It hurts. But it’s not the first time I’ve been punched in the jaw. And probably not the last.

  I get smart and I don’t push Jay any further. I have a career to think about and as pissed as I am, he’s not fucking worth ending it over.

  He gets two hits in on me, I get one and shove him back when I hear the commotion behind me. I turn my head, get popped in the fucking ear and see Saylor behind me grabbing me along with three other players from our team.

  “You good?” Saylor asks, holding me up and wiping away the blood pouring from my face.

  I don’t answer.

  I’m not good.

  An hour later, I’m sitting in the cafeteria with Macy, trying to calm down when she tells me that I shouldn’t have been surprised by this.

  As if that’s going to make me feel better.

  The taste of blood coats my tongue from where my lip is split. I run my tongue a
cross my lower lip feeling the gash. “You knew she was having sex with him, didn’t you?”

  Macy shakes her head. “You didn’t?”

  Deep down, I always knew. But I didn’t want to see it.

  “I knew she was getting drugs from him. I didn’t know she was fucking him.” I squeeze my eyes shut, pain shoots through my head when I do that. “How long?” I can barely get the words out and when I do, I want to vomit.

  My gut twists in pain, regret, anger, you name it. My breath comes faster now, my hands begin to shake. Setting down the glass of ice water, I push it about a foot away.

  She doesn’t answer. Macy tries to hide her feelings from me, lie to me, but she can’t.

  Fear gets the best of me and I kick the chair she’s sitting in, she jumps, her eyes snapping to mine. “Answer me, Macy!” About twenty students around us look at me and my outburst.

  “Probably since she met him.” Macy says, glaring at me. “I don’t really know but the word around campus is that she’s been fucking him for drugs for years.”

  I’m far from stupid. That means she fucked him in the same night she fucked me. Colton was right.

  I grip the edge of the table we’re sitting at and flip it over. Our drinks go crashing to the floor and the people around us gasp, but it’s not enough.

  I shouldn’t go see her, but I’m going to. She’s going to fucking explain to me what this was.

  Macy grabs my shirt and tries to stop me. “Cash, don’t!”

  “Fuck you.” I rip her hands away glaring at her. “Don’t touch me!”

  Macy knows when I’m pissed and not to mess with me. Now is that time. She backs up and turns around. I feel like a dick but I’m also too consumed right now.

  It takes me ten minutes to get to Madison’s dorm. I’m getting answers. Ten minutes of my rage boiling to the point where it’s overflowing and I’m actually concerned about the outcome and what I’m about to do.

  I don’t even wait for her to answer the door, I throw my shoulder into the center, grunting when it connects with a solid hit. I feel a sharp pain rip up my arm knowing I could have just destroyed my shoulder.

  Who cares?

  I don’t.

  “Open the fucking door, Madison!” When she doesn’t, I kick it and slam my fist against the wood. There’s scuff marks from my foot and splintered wood from my shoulder. “OPEN IT!”

  This time she does. She’s not hiding from me. She’s expecting me. She’s there and backs against the wall when I enter the room, frozen blue eyes that want to drown catch mine. I don’t bother closing the door just yet, instead, I leave it open for the world to hear my anger. These fucking assholes around here think I’m perfect. Yeah, well, they’re about to get a new view of perfection.

  Jenny’s to my left, standing in the bathroom. My eyes sweep to her first, I glare, she better mind her own fucking business for once. She doesn’t though, and that’s her problem.

  “Cash…” Madison whispers, tentatively testing my mood, or maybe begging me not to make a scene. I want to smile that she thinks she can calm me down now.

  Calm this down, baby.

  My heart pounds but there’s no beat, it’s gone, there’s only a rushing blood and the crash.

  My eyes snap to hers as I take her laptop that’s sitting on the table beside the door and throw it across the room. It smashes against the wall chipping away chunks of sheetrock.

  In anger, I step towards her, harsh breaths and uncontrolled actions. Pain and adrenaline prick my stomach, it sits there, finds home, feeds there.

  Nothing fazes her. She just stares at me.

  We’re that hurricane. She’s my wind, she forces me to the edge of destruction, never releasing me from her grip.

  See what you’ve done.

  “You’re killing him. You. Are. Killing. Him.”

  Eventually, Madison does say something. And it only pisses me off. Makes me see red tides and lies that sink. “I know what you’re going to say to me.”

  Oh yeah? The fuck you do.

  “Then let me say it.” I say, slamming the door shut with my foot. “Tell me, Madison.” I take another step, I’m not going to touch her, I never would in anger, but she feels the hate radiating from me. It trembles her body and catches her breath. It takes eyes that are drowning and suffocates them completely. “How many more ways are you going to rip my heart out?”

  “I’m sorry!” She cries into her palms covering her face. “I’m so sorry!”

  I reach out and rip her hands from her face to see her tears. “You’re sorry?” Raising my eyebrow, I smile and then grab for the chair that sits at her desk. “YOU’RE FUCKING SORRY?!” Taking it over my head I throw it at the window above her bed. It shatters on impact, the sound deafening in the small space. People scramble outside her dorm room, Jenny starts screaming next door and tells me she’s calling the police.

  Go ahead. Call them. I want to say, there’s your fucking king, assholes. Worship that.

  Madison doesn’t move from her place against the wall at the end of her bed, her arms wrapped around her waist, curling into herself.

  She’s afraid of me right then.

  Good.

  “How many more ways are you going to break me? How many more ways, huh?” She’s not answering me, and it makes my anger soar higher. “Goddamn it… ANSWER ME!”

  Something in her changes and her own anger takes over, a side I haven’t seen in a while, surfacing and raging, spit through gritted teeth and tight lips. “I’m sorry!”

  “Yeah?” Feeling my lip bleeding again from where Jay got me, I run the back of my shaking hand over my mouth. “You sure about that? You fucking positive?”

  Madison nods, cold but collected, still crying. “I am.”

  I hope your tears burn as bad as my stomach does.

  “Sorry it happened, or sorry I found out?” I can barely even get these words out, there’s so much anger emanating from me that speaking is an effort.

  “All of it.” Her voice breaks, like the glass beneath her and I feel a jolt of nausea hit me. I swallow over the acid rising up. “I’m really sorry.” Tears soak her cheeks and lips, her shirt and my heart. “I… didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you.”

  “Love me? Bullshit. Bull. Fucking. Shit. You don’t love me.”

  I back up from her, just a step, I can’t take the heat, the way she controls me. I’m defying her, I’m taking my fucking stand for once.

  But then I think, go ahead. Show her what a piece of shit you can be.

  “I hate you right now, Madison. I fucking hate you for who you’ve made me become...” My eyes shift from hers to the floor, the wall, the window, then search bloodshot blues that have no depth. “A broken piece of shit who loves a girl who will never love him back.”

  I’m saying things I might not mean. I should shut up. I should but I don’t. I want her to feel the agony I feel. The agony I’ve always felt and she feeds. “I’ve tried to fuck around on you. I try all the time. I wanted you to feel just an ounce of the pain you cause me. But I get so far, and I stop. I stop because it’s not even close to the way I feel when I’m with you.” My eyes burn so I turn away, hiding what she doesn’t deserve to see. But then I turn back because fuck her, let her see it. Let her feel the pain. Tears stream down my face when I look at her. “I wanted to be able to tell you I was with someone else. I wanted to see your face when I told you that I fucked someone else. I never could though, because I couldn’t do that to you. I never wanted you to feel what I feel right now, like my heart has been ripped from my goddamn chest.”

  She obliterated me. Like there was never even a choice at all.

  I avoided it because I thought she felt it. I thought she loved me.

  I’m so frustrated and lost and consumed by this anger I can’t even see straight. The words spilling from me, from my chest, leave me bitter and never so vulnerable as I am right now. The anger makes me hazy and I’m doing and saying things I might not mean. I drag my eyes
from hers, sighing. I’m exhausted. I’m so fucking done with this.

  He’s breathing heavy, panting, trying to control himself but I see it. He’s gone.

  I can’t help but notice his appearance and that he was in a fight before he came here.

  “What happened?”

  Just below his right eye is a bruise forming, welted red and purple. His nose looks like it was bleeding at some point along with the split in his lip.

  “I met Jay.”

  I flinch when he says that and he sees it. My stomach twists, my heart pounds in my ears as I start to shake.

  Oh God, no. Please tell me he didn’t. He did though. It’s obvious.

  “What did he say to you?”

  Cash raises his eyebrow. “Does it look like we said much of anything?”

  No. It certainly doesn’t look like any talking took place. There’s a layer of guilt I can’t ignore. I drove him towards Jay. That was on me.

  He’s been quiet for a minute staring at the broken window and the chair below it.

  “Who was it?” He mumbles pushing himself from the wall he’s leaning against, refusing to sit down. “Who did you fuck before me the other night?”

  “What?” I’m caught off guard by his demand and the lowness of his voice. He knows who it was. Why would he torture himself like this?

  “Say it.” His head turns to me, his eyes narrow. He stares at me for a second, much longer than I would have expected before his gaze drops.

  “Cash… I… ” I reach for him, trying to make him sit down but he refuses and flings his arms away.

  “Enough lies. Don’t make any excuses.” He turns to face the broken window, arms crossed over his chest. “Own up to it. Say it,” his eyes find mine as he looks over his shoulder at me. “Say his fucking name.”

  “Jay.”

  “How many others have there been?” He asks with a slow exhale, his face contorted in pain.

  I don’t answer and that’s enough, he knows that even I don’t know.

  “You don’t even know, do you?” I shake my head and he flinches, a dagger to the heart. “And I’m supposed to believe that?”

  “Yes.”