“I do. I love you.” I say, staring down at her.
She smiles like she’s been waiting to hear that from me for a lifetime, only now it truly means something special. She understands because despite saying I love you, she knows that’s not coming with anything. I’m not defining this as her being my girlfriend. I don’t think we’re quite there yet. I’m simply letting her know because she needs to know.
Madison doesn’t say it back but I’m not expecting her to right then. I feel it in my heart that’s finally beating again that she does.
She loves me too.
December 27, 2013
“You want to have a beer tonight?” I raise an eyebrow. “Just one.”
Landon may not be playing but he’s still a part of the team and still at every practice. He’s standing by my locker asking if I want to have a beer with him tonight. I say okay only because it’s two days from game day. Tomorrow night I would have said no. I’m very strict about what I put into my body the days before a game.
As we’re talking, I hear Holden complaining about his latest fuck. Both Landon and I stare at him with amusement. “I don’t think I’m calling her again. She had a fucking winter coat. I’m still picking pubic hairs from my mouth.”
Landon gags and turns his head toward me. “Please tell me we’re leaving.”
I nod, a little disgusted myself. “Yeah, let’s go.”
We both shake our heads as Holden walks off and Landon smiles at me. “Wanna go to Taylor’s?”
We do and I can tell immediately something is bothering him.
He sighs as we walk up the street to the bar. “The NCAA pulled my scholarship.”
“What are you going to do?”
“My dad hired a lawyer but for now I can stay in school, just have to pay for my tuition. I might have to pay back what they gave me too… but I can also petition to have the suspension lifted after the first of the year since the toxicity reports showed such low levels. Coach says the suspension will be lifted for playing next year but could be less if I appeal. My dad appealed.”
“That’s not too bad then. I mean they could have kicked you out of school, couldn’t they?”
“I suppose. They’re making me enroll in drug and alcohol classes too starting after the first of the year.” He gives me a serious look. “I’m trying man. I want to be better. Madison does too.”
I smile because it’s the truth. Landon may have been lost these last three years but he’s never lied to me. “I know you are.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “And I’ll be here for you. Even if you just need to sit and talk, I’m here.” I don’t miss him saying Madison is too. I know she is.
It has to be hard for Landon not playing but there’s some responsibility on his part here as to why. He knows that. If anyone does right now, it’s Landon because while the boys he’s been playing with for the last three years are getting ready to play in the Bowl game, he’ll be on the sidelines. Watching.
“I’m not going to the game.”
I frown at him. Maybe I was wrong. “Why not?”
“It’s just… it’s hard, man. I feel like I let everyone down.”
“You did.”
He doesn’t want to hear that. It’s the truth.
“What does not showing up say about you? What kind of message does that send the team?”
He knows I have a point and nods. He doesn’t say much else but I know my words hit home.
“Have you ever thought about proposing to Madison?” The question is completely out of the blue from Landon. He never talks like this. Ever.
“Are you going to propose to Macy?” I ask, watching his nerves skyrocket.
“I thought about it. We’re nowhere near ready for that. We’ve barely talked since the beach but what was said needed to be said.” I watch his reaction to us talking about this. I know Landon well enough to know that he believes Macy might not want to be with him. He believes he shattered her hope for forever. He believes he destroyed her one chance at happiness when he dropped that joint and Steven swerved the car. And if it wasn’t then, he destroyed it in the closet with Madison.
That’s not true though. Macy wants that happy ever after. She just needs to know that Landon’s ready to give it to her.
“The beach really was nice, wasn’t it?” I ask thinking about us sitting around the fire those nights talking about the way things used to be and the way football is now.
“It was.” He laughs looking up at me. “I don’t know what it is about that beach that just brings us all together.”
I nod, thinking back to the memories on that beach playing tag football, boys verses girls only we were playing for kisses. The situation we’re in now is so completely different it feels like those days never existed. But I still have the memories.
It feels good to sit here with him and not feel like I want to punch him too. It feels like old times. He finally gets it. I can see it in his eyes.
“Have you seen Madison?”
I laugh. “I saw her the day after Christmas. She texted me and needed someone to talk to. It’s a strange feeling…” I whoosh out the breath I was holding, “Usually before big games, I text her and we…,” I shrug knowing he knows what I’m talking about, “get together. Sort of my stress relief.”
He gets what I’m saying because he did the same, only his relief got him into trouble.
I want more than anything to be with Madison in that way but I don’t want the departure. I want her to stay.
I know letting her back in could be bad.
But what if it’s not?
What if I can give her that forever we both deserve?
December 30, 2013
Longhorns Vs Ducks
Valero Alamo Bowl San Antonio, Texas
I always told myself, this is my last time. The last hit. Always the last.
But that last time never came.
Years went by and that last never came. Now it was here. It wasn’t easy. It’s not easy to do because the moment I’m surrounded, the moment I feel that feeling, I sink.
As I stand in the stadium at the Alamo Bowl, I want this feeling more.
I remembered back in high school before the championship game¸ Cash and I talked. I was there to calm him down should he need it. Only he didn’t. Cash is always one hundred percent focused.
I felt like before this bowl game, he also needed me right then.
Okay, maybe I needed him.
The coach gave us front row seats down by the Ducks’ sidelines even.
Macy and I flew into San Antonio the night before the game and stayed in a hotel not far from the stadium. We were so tired by the time we got there we both crashed pretty early.
The next morning I woke up to Macy puking in the bathroom.
“Are you okay?” I ask peeking inside the door.
She’s standing at the sink running cold water over her face and then reaches for the toothpaste and toothbrush. “Just nervous.”
Stepping inside the bathroom I rub her back. “You’re going to be fine.”
Macy’s always had stage fright. She can sing so well but she’s never sang in front of a crowd even one-tenth this large.
“Now,” she sets down the toothbrush and faces me. “Let’s get you ready to see Cash.”
My sister loves makeovers. Loves them. So I let her give me one. Curled hair, make-up, all of it. Even let her get me into a pair of skinny jeans, knee high boots and a fitted jersey with Cash’s name and number on the back. When I take a look at myself in the mirror, I don’t even know that girl anymore. I thought she was gone.
Turns out all I had to do was take that black hoodie off and comb my hair. Well, maybe not just that. It helps that I’m not all strung out and haven’t been for three weeks.
Remember when I said three weeks is when it hits you again.
I wasn’t lying.
I feel it now more than ever but I’m trying. I’m fucking trying.
Macy turns to me before she
leaves to go prepare and hands me the note she wants me to give him. “Text Landon and he’ll get Cash out of the locker room for you. Then surprise him.”
“Before the game?”
“Yes. He’ll love that. He needs to know you came for him.”
She’s right. She’s absolutely right.
I text Landon when Macy disappears with the coach where he took her back to the locker room or somewhere back there where she would wait until the opening ceremony. I’m not wild about sitting by myself but I have to until she’s done.
Where are you?
Landon replies immediately. At the stadium. Want to see him before the game?
I was hoping you’d say that.
K. Meet me down by section A and I’ll get him out there.
I snuck over there and waited, fidgeting with my hair and shirt constantly. It’d been a long time since I actually curled my hair and wore make-up. I wondered if he’ll even recognize me.
Ten minutes later, Cash comes out wearing his Oregon Ducks t-shirt and a pair of warm-up pants and scratching his head. I think he was napping. One look at me and he seems confused.
“Madison… what are you doing here?” He takes in my appearance, my hair, my face, my body and then back up again. “Holy shit… you look beautiful.”
I smile. For once it’s not forced.
“I mean it. You look amazing, Mad.” He takes a step forward, like I’m not real. “How did you… did you fly all the way here?”
“I walked.”
“What?”
I laugh. “Nothing.” And then I blurt it all out. Everything I’ve been meaning to say. “I love you, Cash. And I know I’ve said it before but you needed to hear it today. Before this game. Because sometimes we don’t get another chance. I know that I’ve let a lot of moments, opportunities, pass me by. I can’t do that anymore. And I want you to know what that love means. Like the kind of love where I want to be better. I have to be better. I want to be everything I can and never let you down.” I look up at him. “Here’s my moment.”
He shakes his head and leans back against the wall. “Remember what I said. You can’t do it for me. You need to do this for yourself.”
“Don’t you see… I am because of you.” I tell him on the verge of tears. He has to know that yes, I’m doing it for him, but I am because I want that. “That’s not being co-dependent. That’s me being honest. Sometimes we don’t do things for ourselves and that’s okay. No matter what the motivation, at least we’re doing it, right?”
He nods, his brow creasing and then I start to cry because I want him the way it used to be. No more of this early morning texting. “I want my grape Jolly Ranchers back and those sweet kisses in the bleachers. I want to write check yes or no notes and lay with you in a blue-lit morning where you don’t leave. I want that Cash, I do.”
He’s quiet and I’m nervous as to what he might say next. “I met a girl when I was nine.” He says warmly stepping toward me. “And then life got in the way and shit changed. I still loved her, through it all. I never stopped. What happened, what it did to us doesn’t change that. Nothing you can say or do would ever make me stop loving you. I’m forever.”
I had no idea how Cash would react to me that afternoon, or how any other day would go. But I had an idea right then.
Without hesitation, his mouth crashes to mine and mine eagerly obliged as he backs me against the wall. Sucking his bottom lip between my teeth, I bite down slowly and then pulled him into me by his shoulders. My back in the concrete wall again, he moves closer, his mouth firmer and then his tongue is in my mouth, hungry, rushing desire through my entire body in ways we never imagined were possible.
That kiss could have set the stadium on fire. Never had he kissed me like that.
“Wait for me, here, after the game.” He says pulling away from me with a sigh. “Please.”
He said please.
I can’t deny him. As if I actually would.
An hour later, the start of the opening ceremonies is set to begin, the teams’ bands cover the field, and I’m actually getting nervous for Macy and Cash. My hands are sweating and my stomach is in knots.
Imagine how they feel.
I’m looking around the stadium, in awe of the attendance here, when I spot Landon coming down the steps to me.
I start to panic. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to find Macy. I know you didn’t come alone.”
“Oh, yeah, uh,” I really start to panic, he raises his eyebrow. “She’s in the bathroom.”
“I’ll wait for her. I need to talk to her.” And he takes a seat.
Shit. He’s supposed to be down there where he has a better view. Damn it!
“Don’t you have to be on the field?”
“No. I’m not playing.”
I sit next to him. “You should be with your team.”
“I’ll go back down when Macy comes back. I need to talk to her.”
Shit. I sit down as the marching band comes on and I see Macy down on the sidelines. Landon coming up here ruined the surprise.
“What the fuck?” he sits up straighter when he spots her at the fifty-yard line with a microphone in hand. “You said she was in the bathroom.”
“Ladies and gentleman, here to perform your national anthem, Ms. Macy Thomas!”
Landon is literally speechless beside me. He looks like he’s not breathing and I’m pretty sure Macy isn’t either by the shaking of the microphone. “What is she doing?”
I hand him the note Macy gave me to give to him. He reads it, smiles, and looks up.
When the opening notes begin, she looks like she’s going to vomit but then she sees Landon beside me and smiles as she begins to sing, her voice shaking during those first few notes. “Oh say can you see by the dawn’s early light…”
I’ve never heard the national anthem sang so well. I’ve never been more proud of my sister as I was right then. I also don’t think I ever screamed so loud, or heard Landon scream so loud. He was literally jumping up and down for her when it was all over.
As was I.
“Worth it?” I ask looking at him as he watches the crowd stand and applaud for her.
“So fucking worth it.” And then he’s gone and heading for the field.
Macy and Landon return right before kick-off, more like as they are kicking off. Texas won the toss so they’re kicking off first. My eyes are on Cash in his white uniform, green helmet and socks. He’s adorable and so sexy in that uniform. He sees me when I scream his name and hold up a sign we made that says “Lucky 13” and then turns back to watch the kick-off.
When Macy returns, Landon isn’t with her but I see him coming down the steps.
Macy’s eyes are wide, like she’s holding her breathe. “Jay is here.” Macy says, sitting beside me, but looking over her shoulder to watch Landon approach us. “He’s so creepy, Mad. I can’t believe you slept with that guy.”
“Here? In Texas?” I exhale shakily, flinching because I can’t believe it either, my eyes dart around the stadium looking to see if I can spot him anywhere. I don’t.
My skin crawls when I think of him as a pain deep inside presents itself. I should be terrified but for some reason, I feel safe here with my sister and Landon.
What I worry about is Cash.
Landon leans over and whispers in my ear. “Relax, okay?” he pulls back and I nod trusting him. “He is here looking for Cash but he’ll never get near him today. There’s security everywhere and he’s not stupid. He’s probably just here watching him.”
I want to believe that, but I’m not so sure. He doesn’t know Jay like I do. He hasn’t seen what I’ve seen.
Landon pushes my side a little with his elbow. “I mean it, Madison. Relax. He’s got nothing on a bunch of football players. He’d never stand a chance.”
I stare at him.
I hope he’s right.
I hope.
Landon smiles and wraps his arm and Macy and I, it
’s a forced smile but he’s trying. “Let’s watch our boy win.”
This is the first game I’ve actually been to since that championship game in high school. I’ve seen him play on television, but since that night, never live.
The calmness he has on field is unheard of. He’s always like that too. Sometimes I think the world could crumble around him and he’d still be able to throw a football. He plays with more passion, more commitment than I’ve ever seen.
It’s not all easy though. He takes a couple rough hits that leave me a little on edge.
“That was a rough hit.” I slouch uncomfortably in the hard plastic chair. “I hope he’s okay.”
“Yeah, it was.” Landon replies leaning forward, his hands restless.
“Oh God.” I frown wondering what that meant. Is he okay?
“I saw Cash’s penis.” Macy blurts out. She’s nervous and high on adrenaline and talks inappropriately when that happens. The ride to Cannon Beach proved that.
“When?” Landon and I both ask.
“He peed on my fern in my room.”
“Is that why it’s dead?” Landon asks.
She nods and Landon starts choking on the water he just took a drink of.
Macy hands him a napkin only it has cheese all over it from my nachos. She shakes her head when Landon can’t stop laughing. He’s nervous.
Landon laughs. “It’s a wonder that you’re not scarred for life.”
Macy shakes her head. “Stop it, Landon.”
That seems to ease Landon a little, his head rolled back against the seat as sharp laughter rings out.
I sigh watching Cash. “He’s got a nice ass.” I say when he’s running mid-field to the line of scrimmage after Oregon picked off a pass giving them the ball.
Landon shakes his head. “I’m going back down there. This is too much.”
The game was a blow-out, 30-7. Cash dominated the game. He’d thrown for over two-hundred yards.
Macy hugs me when Cash takes a knee and the crowd goes wild. “I can’t believe this!”
“Neither can I!”
Much like the championship game in high school, it’s a whirl of students rushing the field. Landon is the first down there with his team, in Cash’s arms. They seem to share a moment and Landon points to the sky. I smile knowing what he’s doing.
Forever Love Page 21