I nod in agreement, knowing he’s probably right. “Do you think they’d actually overlook this?”
“It’s been overlooked before. You’re not the first player in the NCAA to have a drug problem, Landon. Look at the NFL.” He laughs. “Everybody makes mistakes.”
He’s right. They do. It’s just never felt like this before.
“I’d like to actually talk to the guys before they go out on the field. Think that would be okay? I’ll make it quick.”
He smiles proudly. “We’d love it, son.”
After the team finishes with the warm up Coach calls all the players together. He gives his speech about doing what we’ve been doing the whole season.
Play together as a team.
Be brothers.
You sweat. We sweat.
Fast hard finish.
Win the day.
Same thing he’s said to us all year but today it means something different to me.
His eyes flick to mine and I nod letting him know I’m ready and still want to do this.
Suddenly I’m nervous. I’m sweating even though it’s pretty chilly in here, my hands are shaking and my stomach flips around. I’m standing beside Cash, who nudges me with his elbow and gives me a head nod. I close my eyes for a brief second and take a deep breath. This is for Steven, for me, for my team, for my friends and hopefully my soon-to-be wife.
“Landon,” Coach calls my name.
The guys open a pathway for me so that I can stand in the center. All their eyes are on me. I tuck my hands in my warm-up pants. I’m not playing so there is no reason for me to suit up but I’m here for my team and wearing my warm-up out is the right thing to do.
“So, I know most of you are looking at me and shaking your heads at how stupid I’ve been these last three years. I’m doing the same thing. I feel stupid for what I’ve done. Some of you think that this is even normal for me. I promise you it’s not. I’m not this guy. The problem is I’m not even sure I know that kid I used to be. Life has a way of doing that to you. If I had to say when that change happened, I’d say it was my senior year of high school. Three years ago after Canby High School won the state championship… that night I lost my best friend in a car accident. He…” I feel my chest constrict with pain. “He died because I was being stupid.”
I look around the room to the guys. Some of them are in shock. Some are shaking their heads. And some are looking at me with pity in their eyes and I hate that the absolute worst.
I shake my head. “I’m not telling you guys this because I want your pity. I’m telling you guys this because you all deserve an explanation as to what the hell I’ve been doing with my life these last three years. I don’t deserve to be here. Steven should be here playing with you guys. He deserved to be here. I know some of you think I should be too, that the past doesn’t matter.” I shoot a glance at Cash and he gives me a reassuring smile. “I made a bad decision that night. We were all celebrating but I couldn’t wait until we got to the beach house out in Cannon Beach. I was drinking and smoking and carrying on. I thought it would be a good idea to hang out of the sunroof. I felt like I was flying.”
My eyes mist over. I’ve never talked about that night. Once I talked about it with the police I never spoke of it again, not like I am now.
“A car was coming around a bend with their high beams on and it blinded us all. I was being begged to get down but when I was trying to get down I dropped the joint I was smoking down Steven’s back. He was yelling at me to get it, it was burning him. I couldn’t because I couldn’t put the words together fast enough. The next thing I know the car had come to a complete stop. It was eerily quiet and I knew in the pit of my stomach that something was seriously wrong. When the fog cleared from my head I sat up and that’s when I saw the way Steven was trapped in the car and how much blood was there. I prayed.” I take a deep breath and rub my nose. “I prayed so damn hard that he would be okay. That just because he was trapped in the car once help arrived they could save him.” I shake my head as the tears start to fall. I don’t care in this moment that my teammates, my brothers, see me crying. “All the praying in the world didn’t save Steven. He died before help got there. I believed I killed him. Later it came out the guy in the truck that we hit was so drunk his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. There was no saying who hit who there.”
Cash stands up and guys make a path letting him get to me. He wraps his arm around me and for the first time in three years my life finally felt right. I finally got all of the past off my shoulders. I’m finally dealing.
I rub my eyes with the backs of my hands new tears are coming, or already there. This isn’t easy to say. “What we all have here as a team, a bond, a brotherhood that molds us to who we are. I feel… no… I know that I wasn’t there for you all these last few years but I’m here now. I’m not numbing the pain and the emotions away. I’m going to deal with them head on and get help if not for myself, for you guys.” Cash shifts beside me, and I look over at him. He has tears in his eyes. “No matter what. I’ve let relationships that meant the world to me to go. I’ll never do it again.”
All the guys including the coaches stood, clapping and then they all took a few steps closer and as a family, as a team we became one.
Saylor does one better and picks me up, with very little effort and starts chanting something I can’t understand.
Macy and Madison flew in last night but we weren’t able to see each other because Cash doesn’t know Madison is here. I was able to get them front row seats. My phone beeps and I pull it out of my pocket.
Madison: Where are you?
Me: At the stadium. Want to see Cash before the game?
Madison: I was hoping you’d say that.
Me: K. Meet me down by section A and I’ll get him out there.
I walk over to Cash, “Can you do me a favor and not ask any questions?”
Cash shrugs.
“Go to section A.”
“Huh?”
I smile. “Just go to section A.”
He looks at me like I’ve completely lost my mind. “Alright.”
The opening ceremonies and the team bands have done their things. I still have yet to see Macy. Did she not want to come after all? Is she too disappointed in me for fucking up and not being able to play?
I spot Madison back in her seat and I jog over to her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to find Macy. I know you didn’t come alone.” I say confidently but there is doubt creeping in.
“Oh, yeah, uh,” Madison is fumbling with the right words to say. “She’s in the bathroom.”
“I’ll wait for her. I need to talk to her.”
“Don’t you have to be on the field?”
Why does it feel like she’s trying to get rid of me? “No. I’m not playing.”
The marching band comes on and I see Macy down on the sidelines. “What the fuck? You said she was in the bathroom.”
“Ladies and gentleman, here to perform your national anthem, Ms. Macy Thomas!”
“What is she doing?”
Madison hands me a folded up piece of paper. I quickly unfold it wanting to find out what’s going on.
The note has been kissed in blood red lipstick and the words ‘Just watch’ are written in Macy’s handwriting.
December 30, 2013
I’m so glad that Mom and Dad purchased a plane ticket for Madison to get to Texas with me. If she wasn’t here by my side I don’t think I would be able to sing in front of the crowd at today’s game.
As soon as my eyes opened this morning I was running for the bathroom. When I finish getting sick I climb off the floor and splash some cold water on my face and brush my teeth.
Madison sticks her head in the door. “Are you okay?”
I nod and I feel nauseous again from the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. “Just nervous.”
She steps in and rubs my back. “You’re going to be fine.”
I know she’s right but I’ve always had stage fright. It’s the reason why I would never be able to try out for American Idol or any of those kinds of shows.
“Let’s get you ready to see Cash.”
It’s the perfect distraction that I need. It takes my mind off of singing in front of thousands of people. I take my time helping her get ready. I fix up her hair, do her makeup and even pick out the clothes she’s going to wear. Then I work on getting myself ready. I curl my hair like I did with Madison’s. I go a little lighter with the makeup but stain my lips blood red. After getting dressed in jeans and my Ducks jersey with Landon’s name and number on it I walk over to the nightstand near the bed. I’ve always wondered why they keep a notepad and pen in the drawer, well now I know why. I rip a piece off, kiss it and then write the words, “Just watch.” I fold the piece of paper up and hand it to Madison.
“Give this to Landon before I come out.” She nods and sticks it in her purse.
We arrive at the stadium with the passes that Coach Lander gave me. It gets us access to the locker rooms. The cab ride here with Madison was quiet. I was afraid if I opened my mouth that I would throw up.
Madison goes to find her seat and I follow the instructions that Coach Lander gave me. A few security guards stop me along the way and I just flash my pass and they let me through. I’m hanging out in the locker room waiting for Coach Lander to come and get me.
Cash taps on the door before he opens it. He looks so handsome in his uniform. “You good?”
I shrug and fidget with my hands. “I’m nervous as hell.”
He wraps me in his arms. “You can do this. When you get out there find that one thing in that crowd of thousands of people and shut the rest of the world out.”
“Is that what you do?”
“Yup, when I’m on the field all I see is the field, the ball, the player, and the end zone.”
I take a step back and try to steel my nerves. “Thanks for the pep talk.”
Cash leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. “Good luck.”
He leaves and Coach comes in minutes later. “Show time, little lady.”
I smile and follow behind him. He ushers me out to the fifty-yard line where there is a microphone waiting for me. I get about halfway there when the announcer shouts my arrival and the crowd cheers.
I look around, taking it all in. I hear Cash in the back of my mind. “Find that one thing.” My eyes land on Landon, my darkness, my forever. He’s reading the note that I had Madison give him. He unfolds it, reads it and looks up. His mouth is hanging open and I smile.
I take a deep breath and pour my heart and soul into the national anthem. I start out a little shaky until I let everything fade away and it’s just Landon and I in the stadium. I hit every note and I remember every word. One of my biggest fears was forgetting the words. I belt out the last words and the crowd goes crazy. My performance isn’t perfect but it was pretty damn good.
When I’m finished I turn the mic off and before I step foot off the field Landon has his arms wrapped around me swinging me around.
“I can’t believe you did that, babe.” Landon says into my ear since it’s so loud with the bustle of the game starting. He sets me down and pulls me off the field and down towards the locker room.
When he shuts the door he turns towards me with a smirk on his face. “How did you even pull that off?”
I shrug. “I’ve got connections.”
Landon cocks an eyebrow. “Connections?”
I nod and he stalks forward towards me. I back up until I’m backed against the door. Landon cups my face and kisses me. I sigh as our lips meet and then I moan as his tongue sweeps against mine. Without breaking the kiss Landon reaches down and grabs the back of my thigh hiking me up against the door. I wrap my arms and legs around him. Landon’s hands are gripping my hips as he continues kissing me.
I break the kiss needing to come up for air. Landon buries his face in my neck and kisses me some more. Finally, he stops for just a second and looks into my eyes. “I’m so damn proud of you.”
“Thanks.” I say shyly.
I wiggle because I feel like I’m slipping and Landon hisses. My body is still pumped full of adrenaline so I don’t notice his erection until then. “Macy, we’ve got to get out of here.”
I giggle and release my legs from around him. “Sorry.”
Landon kisses me again and leaves me breathless once again. “No more ‘I’m sorry’. Not anymore.”
I bite on my bottom lip and Landon groans again. “Let’s go.” He grabs my hand and we walk out of the locker room toward the stands.
We turn the corner and spot Jay walking towards us.
“Oh fuck.” I whisper just as Landon looks up.
December 30, 2013
When Macy and I walk down the hallway we pass by Jay. Macy trips over her own two feet, she saw him too. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Jay never comes to games so what the hell is he doing here? What the fuck is he doing in Texas? I pull Macy closer to my side, my protectiveness kicking in.
Macy whispers, “Is that weird?”
“It’s not good.”
“Oh shit.”
I’m not sure what to think when I see Jay but I know I need to do something. Say something.
I lean into Macy. “Go back to your seat. I’ll be there in a minute.”
She’s hesitating, like she doesn’t want to leave me alone. Maybe she thinks I’m going to get some drugs from him.
She smiles, it’s reassuring… it’s trusting. “Okay. Just be careful.”
I kiss her temple and then turn around the corner to where Jay is standing near the stairs. He knows where Madison is sitting now because from here he has a clear view of her and the field.
“Stay away from Madison.” I tell him calmly. No way am I letting him see I’m bothered by this, or that he can somehow control her anymore. I won’t allow it.
Jay doesn’t acknowledge my presence, as if he ever has, his eyes on the field watching Cash.
I know exactly what he’s doing here now. He’s looking for Cash’s weakness. He studies people. Watches them. Then he reacts. It won’t be tonight. Maybe not even six months from now. This isn’t something where he’s sending a message like he so often likes to do. This is a man looking for revenge for taking something of his.
His dark glare turns to mine, amusement tugging at the corners of his lips. He looks at the ground as he speaks running his hand over his beard. “I’d mind my own business,” his voice is steady, his eyes moving from the floor to mine, “if I was you.” His gaze shifts past me, to the field, and then back on mine but he turns and walks away.
I make it back to my seat right before kickoff. I take a deep breath and push that encounter to the side. We have to show our support for Cash. He needs us all today
“Jay is here.” I announce as Macy leans into me when I sit down next to her.
I watch as Madison flinches. “Here? In Texas?”
I lean over and whisper in her ear. “Relax, okay? There’s security everywhere and he’d be stupid to try anything. He’s probably just here to watch.” I just lied. I don’t even believe myself for one second thinking he’s here just to watch the game. “I mean it, Madison. Relax.”
I watch as my teammates blow the Longhorns out of the water. We scored ten points in both the first and second quarters.
During half-time Madison asks Macy, “Did you take your test?”
I cock my head to the side and look over at Macy waiting for her to explain. I hadn’t realized she told anyone.
“I told her.” She shrugs then answers Madison. “No, but I will tomorrow when we get back. I wanted to do this first.”
I lean over and kiss Macy on the cheek. I’m glad Macy and Madison have their relationship back again. Things are still a little rocky but every day they are getting better.
It feels absolutely amazing to have things a little right with the world for once. Slowly but
surely we are circling back around to what we used to be. I’d like to think that Steven is looking down on us and is proud of us. We are meant to be like this, there for each other facing our fears, reveling in our happiness, holding each other during our sorrows, and high-fiving each other over our triumphs. We had lost our way for a bit but we’re finding our way home.
The third quarter starts back up and we score another three points and seven in the fourth. The Longhorns got their single touchdown in the first quarter and couldn’t make any other plays. They won the game thirty to seven.
I’m the first one on the field to congratulate Cash. He did an amazing fucking job blowing the Longhorns away in their house. The crowd swarms in wanting Cash for interviews so I make my rounds to the other guys.
Once I’ve congratulated everyone I see Madison and Macy standing off to the side. I don’t blame them for not wanting to go into that shark tank right now. Those sports reporters will stop at nothing to get what they want.
“You ready to get out of here?” I ask them.
Madison shakes her head. “No, I’m going to wait here for him.”
“I’ve had enough excitement for one day. Take me to bed.” Macy laughs. “I barely slept and I’m exhausted.”
I look to Madison. “You going to be okay by yourself.” It makes me a little uncomfortable leaving her here but I want some alone time with Macy.
“I’m fine. Get out here.” She laughs.
“You don’t have to tell me twice.”
Madison calls over her shoulder. “Keep it on your bed though, alright?”
Macy and I laugh as we walk away with real smiles on our faces for the first time in three years.
December 31, 2013
Canby, OR
Macy, Madison and I flew back together while Cash had to catch the flight with the team. The first thing that Macy and I did when we dropped Madison off at their parents’ house was go to the store for a pregnancy test. When we woke up this morning Macy threw up. She blamed it on her nerves because she hates to fly. I’ve realized that Macy is avoiding this test. She’s afraid of the outcome, afraid that if it is positive that she’ll have pushed me too far and lost me for good.
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