‘Um, yes.’
‘Right.’ Nanny thought about it, and shrugged. ‘Right. But we’d better do a magic circle first. Don’t want anyone else getting hurt, do we?’
‘Do you mean using Skorhian Runes or the Triple Invocation octogram?’ said Perdita.
Nanny Ogg put her head on one side.
‘Never heard of them things, dear,’ she said. ‘I always does a magic circle like this …’
She sidled crabwise away from the fat girl, dragging one toe in the dust. She edged around in a rough circle about fifteen feet across, still dragging her boot, until she backed into Perdita.
‘Sorry. There. Done it.’
‘That’s a magic circle?’
‘Right. People can come to harm else. All kinds of magic zipping around the place when witches fight.’
‘But you didn’t chant or anything.’
‘No?’
There has to be a chant, doesn’t there?’
‘Dunno. Never done one.’
‘Oh.’
‘I could sing you a comic song if you likes,’ said Nanny helpfully.
‘Um, no. Um.’ Perdita had never heard Nanny sing, but news gets around.
‘I like your black lace hanky,’ said Nanny, not a bit abashed. ‘Very good for not showing the bogies.’
Perdita stared at the circle as though hypnotized. ‘Um. Shall we start, then?’
‘Right.’
Nanny Ogg scurried back to the bench and elbowed Granny in the ribs.
‘Wake up!’
Granny opened an eye.
‘I weren’t asleep, I was just resting me eyes.’
‘All you’ve got to do is stare her down!’
‘At least she knows about the importance of the stare, then. Hah! Who does she think she is? I’ve been staring at people all my life!’
‘Yes, that’s what’s bothering me— aaahh … who’s Nana’s little boy, then?’
The rest of the Ogg clan had arrived.
Granny Weatherwax personally disliked young Pewsey. She disliked all small children, which is why she got on with them so well. In Pewsey’s case, she felt that no-one should be allowed to wander around in just a vest even if they were four years old. And the child had a permanently runny nose and ought to be provided with a handkerchief or, failing that, a cork.
Nanny Ogg, on the other hand, was instant putty in the hands of any grandchild, even one as sticky as Pewsey.
‘Want sweetie,’ growled Pewsey, in that curiously deep voice some young children have.
‘Just in a moment, my duck, I’m talking to the lady,’ Nanny Ogg fluted.
‘Want sweetie now.’
‘Bugger off, my precious, Nana’s busy right this minute.’
Pewsey pulled hard on Nanny Ogg’s skirts.
‘Now sweetie now!’
Granny Weatherwax leaned down until her impressive nose was about level with Pewsey’s gushing one.
‘If you don’t go away,’ she said gravely, ‘I will personally rip your head off and fill it with snakes.’
‘There!’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘There’s lots of poor children in Klatch that’d be grateful for a curse like that.’
Pewsey’s little face, after a second or two of uncertainty, split into a pumpkin grin.
‘Funny lady,’ he said.
‘Tell you what,’ said Nanny, patting Pewsey on the head and then absent-mindedly wiping her hand on her dress, ‘you see them young ladies on the other side of the square? They’ve got lots of sweeties.’
Pewsey waddled off.
‘That’s germ warfare, that is,’ said Granny Weatherwax.
‘Come on,’ said Nanny. ‘Our Jason’s put a couple of chairs in the circle. You sure you’re all right?’
‘I’ll do.’
Perdita Nitt traipsed across the road again.
‘Er … Mrs Ogg?’
‘Yes, dear?’
‘Er. Diamanda says you don’t understand, she says they won’t be trying to outstare one another …’
Magrat was bored. She’d never been bored when she was a witch. Permanently bewildered and overworked yes, but not bored.
She kept telling herself it’d probably be better when she really was queen, although she couldn’t quite see how. In the meantime she wandered aimlessly through the castle’s many rooms, the swishing of her dress almost unheard above the background roar of the turbines of tedium:
—humdrumhumdrumhumdrum—
She’d spent the whole morning trying to learn to do tapestry, because Millie assured her that’s what queens did, and the sampler with its message ‘Gods bless this Hosue’ was even now lying forlornly on her chair.
In the Long Gallery were huge tapestries of ancient battles, done by previous bored regal incumbents; it was amazing how all the fighters had been persuaded to stay still long enough. And she’d looked at the many, many paintings of the queens themselves, all of them pretty, all of them well-dressed according to the fashion of their times, and all of them bored out of their tiny well-shaped skulls.
Finally she went back to the solar. This was the big room on top of the main tower. In theory, it was there to catch the sun. It did. It also caught the wind and the rain. It was a sort of drift net for anything the sky happened to throw.
She yanked on the bellpull that in theory summoned a servant. Nothing happened. After a couple of further pulls, and secretly glad of the exercise, she went down to the kitchen. She would have liked to spend more time there. It was always warm and there was generally someone to talk to. But nobblyess obligay – queens had to live Above Stairs.
Below Stairs there was only Shawn Ogg, who was cleaning the oven of the huge iron stove and reflecting that this was no job for a military man.
‘Where’s everyone gone?’
Shawn leapt up, banging his head on the stove.
‘Ow! Sorry, miss! Um! Everyone’s … everyone’s down in the square, miss. I’m only here because Mrs Scorbic said she’d have my hide if I didn’t get all the yuk off.’
‘What’s happening in the square, then?’
‘They say there’s a couple of witches having a real set-to, miss.’
‘What? Not your mother and Granny Weatherwax!’
‘Oh no, miss. Some new witch.’
‘In Lancre? A new witch?’
‘I think that’s what Mum said.’
‘I’m going to have a look.’
‘Oh, I don’t think that’d be a good idea, miss,’ said Shawn.
Magrat drew herself up regally.
‘We happen to be Queen,’ she said. ‘Nearly. So you don’t tell one one can’t do things, or one’ll have you cleaning the privies!’
‘But I does clean the privies,’ said Shawn, in a reasonable voice. ‘Even the garderobe—’
‘And that’s going to go, for a start,’ said Magrat, shuddering. ‘One’s seen it.’
‘Doesn’t bother me, miss, it’ll give me Wednesday afternoons free,’ said Shawn, ‘but what I meant was, you’ll have to wait till I’ve gone down to the armoury to fetch my horn for the fanfare.’
‘One won’t need a fanfare, thank you very much.’
‘But you got to have a fanfare, miss.’
‘One can blow my own trumpet, thank you.’
‘Yes, miss.’
‘Miss what?’
‘Miss Queen.’
‘And don’t you forget it.’
Magrat arrived at as near to a run as was possible in the queen outfit, which ought to have had castors.
She found a circle of several hundred people and, near the edge, a very pensive Nanny Ogg.
‘What’s happening, Nanny?’
Nanny turned.
‘Oops, sorry. Didn’t hear no fanfare,’ she said. ‘I’d curtsy, only it’s my legs.’
Magrat looked past her at the two seated figures in the circle.
‘What’re they doing?’
‘Staring contest.’
‘But they’re looking at the sky.
’
‘Bugger that Diamanda girl! She’s got Esme trying to outstare the sun,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘No looking away, no blinking …’
‘How long have they been doing it?’
‘About an hour,’ said Nanny gloomily.
‘That’s terrible!’
‘It’s bloody stupid is what it is,’ said Nanny. ‘Can’t think what’s got into Esme. As if power’s all there is to witching! She knows that. Witching’s not power, it’s how you harness it.’
There was a pale gold haze over the circle, from magical fallout.
‘They’ll have to stop at sunset,’ said Magrat.
‘Esme won’t last until sunset,’ said Nanny. ‘Look at her. All slumped up.’
‘I suppose you couldn’t use some magic to—’ Magrat began.
‘Talk sense,’ said Nanny. ‘If Esme found out, she’d kick me round the kingdom. Anyway, the others’d spot it.’
‘Perhaps we could create a small cloud or something?’ said Magrat.
‘No! That’s cheating! ’
‘Well, you always cheat.’
‘I cheat for myself. You can’t cheat for other people.’
Granny Weatherwax slumped again.
‘I could have it stopped,’ said Magrat.
‘You’d make an enemy for life.’
‘I thought Granny was my enemy for life.’
‘If you think that, my girl, you’ve got no understanding,’ said Nanny. ‘One day you’ll find out Esme Weatherwax is the best friend you ever had.’
‘But we’ve got to do something! Can’t you think of anything?’
Nanny Ogg looked thoughtfully at the circle. Occasionally a little wisp of smoke curled up from her pipe.
The magical duel was subsequently recorded in Bird-whistle’s book Legendes and Antiquities of the Ramtops and went as follows:
‘The duel beinge ninety minutes advanced, a small boy child upon a sudden ran across the square and stept within the magic circle, whereup he fell down with a terrible scream also a flash. The olde witche looked around, got out of her chair, picked him up and carried him to his grandmother, then went back to her seat, whilom the young witch never averted her eyes from the Sunne. But the other young witches stopped the duel averring, Look, Diamanda has wonne, the reason being, Weatherwax looked away. Whereupon the child’s grandmother said in a loude voice, Oh yes? Pulle the other onne, it have got bells on. This is not a conteft about power, you stupid girls, it is a conteft about witchcraft, do you not even begin to know what being a witch IS?
‘Is a witch someone who would look round when she heard a child scream?
‘And the townspeople said, Yess!’
‘That was wonderful,’ said Mrs Quarney, the storekeeper’s wife. ‘The whole town cheered. A true miffic quality.’
They were in the tavern’s back room. Granny Weatherwax was lying on a bench with a damp towel over her face.
‘Yes, it was, wasn’t it?’ said Magrat.
‘That girl was left without a leg to stand on, everyone says.’
‘Yes,’ said Magrat.
‘Strutted off with her nose in a sling, as they say.’
‘Yes,’ said Magrat.
‘Is the little boy all right?’
They all looked at Pewsey, who was sitting in a suspicious puddle on the floor in the corner with a bag of sweets and a sticky ring around his mouth.
‘Right as rain,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘Nothing worse’n a bit of sunburn. He screams his head off at the least little thing, bless him,’ she said proudly, as if this was some kind of rare talent.
‘Gytha?’ said Granny, from under the towel.
‘Yes?’
‘You knows I don’t normally touch strong licker, but I’ve heard you mention the use of brandy for medicinal purposes.’
‘Coming right up.’
Granny raised her towel and focused one eye on Magrat.
‘Good afternoon, your pre-majesty,’ she said. ‘Come to be gracious at me, have you?’
‘Well done,’ said Magrat, coldly. ‘Can one have a word with you, Na— Mrs Ogg? Outside?’
‘Right you are, your queen,’ said Nanny.
In the alley outside Magrat spun around with her mouth open.
‘You—’
Nanny held up her hand.
‘I know what you’re going to say,’ she said. ‘But there wasn’t any danger to the little mite.’
‘But you—’
‘Me?’ said Nanny. ‘I hardly did anything. They didn’t know he was going to run into the circle, did they? They both reacted just like they normally would, didn’t they? Fair’s fair.’
‘Well, in a way, but—’
‘No-one cheated,’ said Nanny.
Magrat sagged into silence. Nanny patted her on the shoulder.
‘So you won’t be telling anyone you saw me wave the bag of sweets at him, will you?’ she said.
‘No, Nanny.’
‘There’s a good going-to-be-queen.’
‘Nanny?’
‘Yes, dear?’
Magrat took a deep breath.
‘How did Verence know when we were coming back?’
It seemed to Magrat that Nanny thought for just a few seconds too long.
‘Couldn’t say,’ she said at last. ‘Kings are a bit magical, mind. They can cure dandruff and that. Probably he woke up one morning and his royal prerogative gave him a tickle.’
The trouble with Nanny Ogg was that she always looked as if she was lying. Nanny Ogg had a pragmatic attitude to the truth; she told it if it was convenient and she couldn’t be bothered to make up something more interesting.
‘Keeping busy up there, are you?’ she said.
‘One’s doing very well, thank you,’ said Magrat, with what she hoped was queenly hauteur.
‘Which one?’ said Nanny.
‘Which one what?’
‘Which one’s doing very well?’
‘Me!’
‘You should have said,’ said Nanny, her face poker straight. ‘So long as you’re keeping busy, that’s the important thing.’
‘He knew we were coming back,’ said Magrat firmly. ‘He’d even got the invitations sorted out. Oh, by the way … there’s one for you—’
‘I know, one got it this morning,’ said Nanny. ‘Got all that fancy nibbling on the edges and gold and everything. Who’s Ruservup?’
Magrat had long ago got a handle on Nanny Ogg’s world-view.
‘RSVP,’ she said. ‘It means you ought to say if you’re coming.’
‘Oh, one’ll be along all right, catch one staying away,’ said Nanny. ‘Has one’s Jason sent one his invite yet? Thought not. Not a skilled man with a pen, our Jason.’
‘Invitation to what?’ said Magrat. She was getting fed up with ones.
‘Didn’t Verence tell one?’ said Nanny. ‘It’s a special play that’s been written special for you.’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Magrat. ‘The Entertainment.’
‘Right,’ said Nanny. ‘It’s going to be on Midsummer’s Eve.’
‘It’s got to be special, on Midsummer’s Eve,’ said Jason Ogg.
The door to the smithy had been bolted shut. Within were the eight members of the Lancre Morris Men, six times winners of the Fifteen Mountains All-Comers Morris Championship,10 now getting to grips with a new art form.
‘I feel a right twit,’ said Bestiality Carter, Lancre’s only baker. ‘A dress on! I just hope my wife doesn’t see me!’
‘Says here,’ said Jason Ogg, his enormous forefinger hesitantly tracing its way along the page, ‘that it’s a beaut-i-ful story of the love of the Queen of the Fairies – that’s you, Bestiality—’
‘—thank you very much—’
‘—for a mortal man. Plus a hum-our-rus int-ter-lude with Comic Artisans …’
‘What’s an artisan?’ said Weaver the thatcher.
‘Dunno. Type of well, I reckon.’ Jason scratched his head. ‘Yeah. They’ve got ’em down on the plains.
I repaired a pump for one once. Artisan wells.’
‘What’s comic about them?’
‘Maybe people fall down ’em in a funny way?’
‘Why can’t we do a Morris like normal?’ said Obidiah Carpenter the tailor.11
‘Morris is for every day,’ said Jason. ‘We got to do something cultural. This come all the way from Ankh-Morpork.’
‘We could do the Stick and Bucket Dance,’ volunteered Baker the weaver.
‘No-one is to do the Stick and Bucket Dance ever again,’ said Jason. ‘Old Mr Thrum still walks with a limp, and it were three months ago.’
Weaver the thatcher squinted at his copy of the script.
‘Who’s this bugger Exeunt Omnes?’ he said.
‘I don’t think much of my part,’ said Carpenter, ‘it’s too small.’
‘It’s his poor wife I feel sorry for,’ said Weaver, automatically.
‘Why?’ said Jason.13
‘And why’s there got to be a lion in it?’ said Baker the weaver.
‘’Cos it’s a play!’ said Jason. ‘No-one’d want to see it if it had a … a donkey in it! Oi can just see people comin’ to see a play ’cos it had a donkey in it. This play was written by a real playsmith! Hah, I can just see a real playsmith putting donkeys in a play! He says he’ll be very interested to hear how we get on! Now just you all shut up!’
‘I don’t feel like the Queen of the Fairies,’ moaned Bestiality Carter.14
‘You’ll grow into it,’ said Weaver.
‘I hope not.’
‘And you’ve got to rehearse,’ said Jason.
‘There’s no room,’ said Thatcher the carter.
‘Well, I ain’t doin’ it where anyone else can see,’ said Bestiality. ‘Even if we go out in the woods somewhere, people’ll be bound to see. Me in a dress!’
They won’t recognize you in your make-up,’ said Weaver.
‘Make-up?’
‘Yeah, and your wig,’ said Tailor the other weaver.
‘He’s right, though,’ said Weaver. ‘If we’re going to make fools of ourselves, I don’t want no-one to see me until we’re good at it.’
‘Somewhere off the beaten track, like,’ said Thatcher the carter.
‘Out in the country,’ said Tinker the tinker.
‘Where no-one goes,’ said Carter.
Jason scratched his cheese-grater chin. He was bound to think of somewhere.
‘And who’s going to play Exeunt Omnes?’ said Weaver. ‘He doesn’t have much to say, does he?’
Lords And Ladies Page 8