Trusting Love Again

by Starla Kaye

  He sped up the stairs and knocked on the door. She’d probably be annoyed with him, not want to be disturbed. He should leave her alone, but he knocked again. When he didn’t get a response, he considered pulling out his own key to the apartment. Maybe she was too upset to….

  The door opened and Toni stood there in flannel pajamas sporting fanciful cows and looking sexy as hell. Except, her pretty face was covered in red blotches from crying; tears still wetting her cheeks. Her oh-so-kissable lips trembled. He stood frozen and suddenly unsure what to do.

  It took a split second for her to throw herself at him. “Hug me,” she demanded, sniffling. “I need a hug so bad.”

  He sucked in a flash of momentary pain, ignored it and snaked his arms around her, savoring the feel of her in his hold. He inhaled that now familiar, softly feminine floral scent. Along with the scent of pure Toni. He was lost in that moment.

  Somehow they clung to each other and managed to move into the warmth of her apartment. He nudged the door closed with his hip. What he couldn’t do was let her go.

  She buried her face against his chest, her tears soaking his shirt. He didn’t care. He ached for her, for whatever had brought her to this point. He kissed the top of her head and smoothed his good hand over her back. As he did, his body reacted to their closeness. He should release her, but he couldn’t. When she’d pressed against him before, she’d turned and bolted away. Maybe she wouldn’t notice the effect she had on him this time.

  Neither spoke for several long minutes. Neither let go. His “problem” became much more of one.

  “I’m so embarrassed,” she whispered, easing back and dashing away her tears.

  He missed the softness of her warm body against him. This shouldn’t go any farther. Again, he considered leaving. Instead he gently tucked a strand of her wavy red-blond hair behind her ear. “Proving I’m the biggest jerk around, I want you, Antoinette. Desperately.”

  To his surprise, she gifted him with a wobbly smile, nodding at where the proof of his desire shoved at his jeans. “I can see that.”

  His face heated. “I’m sorry, not much control at the moment.”

  “I understand, similar problem.” She glanced boldly at where her hardened nipples pushed at the front of her pajama top. “I want you, too. I suppose that makes me a jerkess, the feminine version of a jerk.”

  “What are we doing here?” he asked, worried, and at the same time relieved that she wasn’t kicking him out on his ass, even if she should.

  She shook her head, the long hair swaying over her slender shoulders. “Playing with fire?”

  He wanted her somewhere - anywhere - stretched out before him. He wanted to… He struggled to slow whatever this was down, tame his wayward thoughts. “What were you crying about?”

  Again, she smiled. “You’re not asking why I threw myself at you?”

  “I didn’t mind that.” The proof of his being okay with it was still rock hard.

  She moved toward the sofa and sat down, curling her legs to the side. “I reached that point where I needed an old-fashioned crying jag.” She shrugged. “Women need that once in a while. It calms us, believe it or not.”

  Since she didn’t seem to mind that he was here, he eased out of his jacket and draped it over the back of one of the chairs. He took a tentative step closer. “Can I stay? At least for a little while.”

  “Sure. You can sit down.” She worried her lower lip for a second. “I was feeling lonely.”

  He sat on the other chair and leaned toward her. “Hence the need for a hug.”

  “Who says ‘hence’ these days?” Her eyes danced with amusement. Gone was the sadness he’d first seen when she opened the door.

  “I’m a lawyer. I say stuff like that on occasion.” He relaxed into the chair and grinned. “Cow pajamas?”

  Her chin thrust out. “You expected something slinky, something wicked and sexy when I’m alone?”

  He sucked in a breath, immediately envisioning exactly that…and stripping it off her, too. He forced his gaze to the floor. “Flannel can be pretty sexy as well.”

  Toni’s heart raced; flutters of longing spread through her. She couldn’t remember the last time Stanley had found her sexy, or flirted with her in any manner. He’d been all about the “I want sex, I want it now, and I don’t really care what you want.” She’d felt less and less womanly. She’d just had something he’d wanted, not been someone he’d needed. And there were those hurtful words he’d said, “You’re not woman enough for any real man.”

  Chad’s arrival on her doorstep had surprised her. He’d come to see her at a time when she’d been seriously down. Being held in his arms had been so good; hugging him had been pretty fantastic, too. Even through the layer of thick coat she’d felt the solidness of his leanly muscled chest. And her body had responded to him. She ached with yearning for a man she’d desired for a lot of years. A man she had no business lusting after. Neither of them wanted another relationship; another chance at being hurt again.

  “This is an incredibly bad idea…” She let the rest of the thought fade away. Would he understand? Would he run as fast as he could from the crazy woman?

  His eyes darkened and his nostrils flared. “Really bad.” Yet he stood and held out a hand to her.

  She took it and let him help her to her feet. Then she pulled him with her to the small bedroom, nerves tangling inside her with each step. For a second she considered changing her mind. But she wanted this, ached for this. Still…

  In the doorway, he turned her to face him, his look gentle and cautious. “We don’t have to do this.”

  His concern soothed her anxiety. She could see the heat of his desire in those beautiful blue eyes. Yet he was willing to stop, to give her an out. If she did, it would cost him. Cost her, too.

  She shook her head and disregarded the pounding of her heart, the fluttery feelings in her stomach. “Condom?” she asked to prove her determination to follow through with what she’d started.

  The weariness in his expression had disappeared. “In my wallet.” He pulled it from his back pocket and struggled to hold it with the fingers of his casted arm and his good hand.

  She had to smile at his valiant effort and then took it from him. It only took a second to find the small foil package. She gave him back the wallet, still smiling. “Always prepared.”

  He appeared uncomfortable. “I was a Boy Scout. We learned to be prepared.”

  “I’m pretty sure carrying a condom wasn’t in the handbook. Was it even discussed at meetings?” She raised an eyebrow at him in challenge.

  He ignored her, stuffed the wallet in his pocket again, and unbuckled his belt, although the action was awkward. Frustration etched his face as he prepared to do more.

  She’d caused his problem. Actually, both of his problems: the broken forearm and now the heaviness pushing at his jeans. The latter issue she didn’t really feel bad about. It was time to help him out.

  She handed him the condom. “How about you hold onto that and I handle this matter?”

  His forehead creased in uncertainty, but he let her take charge. She went to work unbuttoning and then unzipping the jeans, concentrating on the mission. She couldn’t look at his face and admitted quietly, “I’ve never undressed a man before.”

  “What?”

  “I, uh… This is a first for me.” When she hazarded a glance up, he looked at her in disbelief. For some reason, that rankled. “Stanley was always in control, including undressing when we…. Well, you know.”

  Sadly, she’d liked the way he’d taken charge. At least she had for a while. She’d only made one attempt to help him undress and that had not gone well. He’d not allowed it and warned her to never try again. She hadn’t. She hadn’t even been interested in doing so any time after that.

  Chad blinked at Toni. The more he learned about her ex-husband, the more he wondered how she’d stayed with him for so long. Yet he did understand, because of the way she’d been raised. M
arriages had ups and downs. His own parents had argued occasionally, at least what little he could remember, since his mother had died when he was eight. Like Toni, he’d been raised to believe that you were supposed to work things out, unless it became impossible. Which it had in her case. In his situation, too. For different reasons.

  “The man was an idiot,” he said in disgust and held her gaze. “Being stripped by a woman is…arousing all by itself.”

  Her pretty cheeks had turned pink, but her eyes sparked with appreciation. He wanted to ignore the casted arm and shove off his clothes. Then he wanted to rip away those silly cow pajamas. Instead he swore that he would find every last ounce of patience he had and let her do as much as she wanted. And, clearly, she’d decided to remove his clothes. God, yes!

  She gifted him with an appreciative smile and returned to what she was doing. Except she stopped with her small fingers just inside the waistband of his jeans, an action that had his pulse racing and him wanting to yell “No!” Valiantly, he controlled himself.

  “Can you toe off your shoes?” She looked at him in hope. “We should have started with that.”

  Immediately, as fast as he could, he did as she asked to each of his tennis shoes because she’d pulled her hands free. He desperately wanted to feel those soft fingers against his skin again. Just to be polite, he forced himself to say, “I can do this, really.” But he didn’t want to.

  She shook her head and the long mane of hair brushed her delicate shoulders. “So can I, probably better at the moment.”

  She returned to her task, focused. When he sucked in his stomach, caught his breath, and prayed for strength to endure, she didn’t even seem to notice. He was sweating by the time she wriggled his jeans down until he could step out of them.

  As he straightened again, she stepped back to survey him inch by blessed inch. He felt a bit strange standing in front of her in white socks, boxers, and a chambray shirt with the long tails covering his butt. The shirtfront barely covered the tenting in front. Mainly, he felt pleased as hell that she observed him for so long that her eyes heated with longing.

  He was overwhelmed by the urge to take this process much faster. But he managed to let her look her fill before she moved closer and reached for his shirt. He breathed raggedly all the while she undid each of the far too damn many buttons. He almost told her to just rip off the shirt. Finally she eased it from him, being careful of his cast. He wasn’t sure he could continue being patient for her to take down his boxers.

  “I can—”

  “I’m doing this,” she insisted, giving him the same stubborn look he remembered. She put her fingers in the waistband of his shorts and tugged them down and then off. She tossed them to his pile of clothes a few feet away.

  His entire body pulsated with need. “Socks?” he squeaked out.

  She gave him an impish grin. “I’m leaving them on. They’re kind of sexy.”

  Her gaze moved lower and she smiled even more. “I think we should hurry the rest of this along, don’t you?”

  She wouldn’t get an argument from him. Although he was more than ready for the next step, he was disappointed at how fast she removed her pajamas. He’d wanted to enjoy that stripping process. But the sight of her beyond perfect naked body wasn’t a disappointment. She wasn’t a tall woman, but her legs were toned and long. A curly patch of reddish hair covered the place he ached to dive inside. And her breasts, while not overly plump, were enough to please him.

  How had he gotten so damn lucky? He’d dreamed of this moment for years. He had to control his needs, not push her. She’d been surprisingly aggressive so far. Still, he had to remember how she’d been emotionally damaged by the man who should have loved and treasured her. He had to let her lead the way in what happened between them. Even if it might kill him.

  “Ready?” he asked as calmly as he could manage.

  Toni couldn’t believe what she’d done, what Chad had let her do. Stanley… Stop it! Now! She refused to think any more about her poor excuse for an ex-husband. There would be no more comparisons between the two men. Stanley wasn’t worth another thought. Ever.

  Her stomach quivered with nerves again. Yet she found the courage to nod toward the carefully made bed. Should she take the time to pull the quilt back? No!

  “Lie down, right in the middle.” Would he do it? Was she being too bossy? This was all so new to her. Exhilarating.

  He gave her that sexy half-grin that made her hot all over, inside and out. “Yes, ma’am.”

  She watched the play of Chad’s leg muscles and his taut ass as he walked to the side of the bed. So very nice. He’d been a jogger during his football days in high school and college. It appeared that he might still be one. She continued watching him as he sat down and then wiggled around until he was exactly where she’d directed him to go.

  Her breasts felt swollen, aching. Between her legs she was throbbing, moisture building. When had she last been this excited about having sex? Years ago. When she’d been young and innocent.

  Before she could come to her senses and change her mind, she put a knee on the end of the bed. Meeting Chad’s steady gaze, she crawled toward him, like a cat inching forward. His lightly muscled chest rose and fell with deep breaths as he waited. His nostrils flared. And he gripped his shaft in his good hand. The small condom packet lay teasingly midst the spattering of dark hair low on his stomach. Was he going to let her put it on him? Her heart beat faster at the idea. Oh, she really wanted to do that.

  Waiting for Toni to come to him was about the hardest thing Chad had ever done. He was tempted to ignore how badly it would hurt his injured arm if he grabbed her, rolled her to her back, and took over. Tempted, but he wouldn’t do it. He sensed that she needed to do this her way, in her own time. He could give her this experience. The cost to his sanity was worth it. And, God help him, the sight of her crawling toward him was amazing.

  “I’m going to need some help here.” He could have ripped the packet open with his teeth and rolled it on by himself, but he thought maybe she wanted to do this part, too. So he picked up the condom and held it out to her, hoping she didn’t notice the slight shaking of his fingers.

  She blinked in surprise and straddled his legs, inching closer. The sensation of her soft skin rubbing against his hairy legs made him suck in a breath. He fought back another urge to take over. Then she smiled and took the foil package, using her small teeth to rip open the corner. Her eyes sparkled with pleasure as she did it, and his whole body heated observing her. It was a wonder he didn’t spontaneously burst into flames.

  Meeting his gaze, she blushed and admitted, “This is another first for me. I hope I can do this right.”

  She took hold of his length with one hand and began carefully rolling the condom over him with her other hand.

  He sucked in air so deep he had to fight for another breath. Would he ever breathe normally again? “You’re doing fine,” he gritted out.

  After a second, he came to his senses. What about her? He was ready to drive deep inside her, but was she ready for him? Stupid, stupid, stupid. He’d gotten caught up in the it-was-all-about-him thing. Still, he could smell her musky scent, which told him she was probably ready.

  He glanced at her breasts so close and yet so far away. He wanted to put his mouth to them. But he decided that would happen at another time. Right now he had to have her riding him, and she needed this as well. He could see it in her fervent expression and in her darkened eyes.

  She sat on her knees, straddling his thighs, her breasts rising and falling raggedly. He thought he saw signs of moisture between her legs, but he had to be sure. Trying to be careful and not frighten her, he reached toward her. “I need to see if…I need to make sure…” He was screwing this up.

  A weak smile slid into place on her lovely face. “Oh, I’m ready, if that’s what you’re worried about.” But she held herself almost rigidly in place. “If you have to check for yourself, go ahead.”

  Have
to? Had Beaton insisted on checking her readiness? Had he given her any choices? Or had she just had to endure whatever the man had done? Disgusted by the situation, he pulled his arm back. If she said she was ready, he would take her word for it.

  Again she surprised him by thrusting out her chin and grabbing for his arm. She pulled him toward her until his fingers touched the soft bush of hair. “My choice,” she stated, as if she’d understood his thoughts.

  He eased a finger gently inside her and she gave only a slight gasp at the invasion. When she didn’t resist him, he eased a second finger inside. This time she drew in a breath and her eyes widened. He held his fingers still for her to adjust and then he moved them carefully, drew them almost out, and then pushed them in again.

  Her body clamped around his fingers, pulsed against them. She looked down at him in wonder and he knew without her telling him that her SOB of an ex had not been gentle with her.

  He wasn’t sure how much more willpower he could muster to not move forward with what his body needed. “I…”

  “Let’s do this, okay?” she asked, suddenly pulling his fingers from her body and moving his arm away.

  Toni almost cried at the ever so tender way Chad had checked to make sure that her body was wet enough to take him. The tightness of his jaw, the flare of his nostrils had shown her how hard he’d fought to go slowly. He’d been determined not to hurt her, which was a precious gift. But she was ready to take the next step.

  She licked her lips, quivering with anticipation. He’d nodded at her and was going to let her continue doing whatever she needed. What a special man he was. How could his ex-wife have let him go? She must be as certifiably idiotic as Stanley.

  She inched further up Chad’s big, well-toned body until she rose up higher on her knees. Anticipation tore through her, yet she wasn’t sure about this. Even with all of the romance novels she’d read, this was different. This was real. She hesitated, worrying her lower lip.