Ask yourself first what specific flavors you are craving at the moment. We’ve just given you a vocabulary of styles and a few basic flavor descriptors based on beer’s ingredients. Use these to get specific about your desires. You don’t have to order any old beer. If you’re feeling a bit devilish, ask for a spicy, yeasty ale. If you need a palate cleanser, ask for a hoppy, crisp Pale Ale. As with anything, the more specific you get, the more you will specifi cally get what you want. And that is true gratification in life.
Try ordering in progression from the flavor you want the most down to the more nuanced flavors. For example, say you want the complex, bigger flavors and aromatics usually found in an ale. Great. Now decide which type of ale you feel like. Use your flavor descriptors. Do you feel like banana? Pine tree? Coffee? Though you know about some major beer styles, you may not feel comfortable asking for a Porter or Stout yet. If that’s the case, use the vocabulary for cuisine that you already have. Describe your ideal beer, just as you would describe any other food or spice. Always return to flavors: bitter, nutty, tart apple, and so on. In fact, you could simply list off the herbs and spices you have in your kitchen: cinnamon, pepper, cardamom, and sage, and any great beer bartender worth her salt should be able to find a beer with those flavors.
You may already be fairly comfortable using such terms in conjunction with wine: velvety, peppery, leather, jasmine, cherry tones. We know that if we ask for a Cabernet with earthy, musky flavors, we will get something more uniquely suited to our palate. The same is true of beer! Be specific. Try this equation: Ask for a beer using three descriptors: (1) the dominant flavor you crave + (2) a secondary flavor you would like + (3) a beer style. We hope this will = the beer you want. Examples: bitter + chocolaty + Stout; citrusy + grassy + Witbier; dry + sour + Tripel Belgian.
Like sex, specifics are best. And also like sex, you probably know what you really like but are afraid to ask for it. Beer wants to know how hoppy, how bitter, and how spicy you want it. Are hints of pear good? Is the dry, orange-rind finish working for you? Some people are embarrassed about doing the “dirty talk,” so practice in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “Nutty, chocolaty.” Or try it in your car on the way to work, in traffic: “Sour, spicy.” The more comfortable you get with the words, the more confidence you’ll have the moment the bartender looks at you and says, “What do you want?”
Beer Bar Book of Etiquette
Unfortunately, people new to the beer world have a reputation for behaving badly in beer bars. From ordering to paying to tipping, some people just don’t seem to know the right way to conduct themselves. Perhaps there’s a disconnect because people feel out of place and are overcompensating. Whatever it is, we are here to put an end to it.
Since neither Emily Post nor Queer Eye for the Straight Guy have sections on good beer manners, we’ve had to step up and fill in the void for beer bar etiquette. Here’s a guide of do’s and don’ts to help you mind your P’s and Q’s. Spoiler alert: Please be aware that after you read this, you’ll no longer be able to say that you didn’t know any better. We’ll be watching.
ORDERING YOUR BEER
DO ORDER A FLIGHT. It’s perfectly good beer manners to ask if the bar offers “beer flights.” These are usually found at brewpubs, where breweries want you to get a sampling of their beers. It’s also a great way to test your palate. Try tasting the beers without looking at the names. Find the flavors and try to guess which one is the Brown Ale, which is the Hefeweizen, which is the Stout, and so on.
MIND YOUR P’S AND Q’S
Haven’t you always wondered what the warning “mind your P’s and Q’s” means? Well, here it is: Mind your pints and quarts. This saying was used in England hundreds of years ago. The barkeeps would say this to patrons when they were getting out of hand, knocking over beers or being generally rowdy. It’s a nice way to say, “Watch your manners or you’ll get a boot in your ass, thanks!”
Oddly enough, mind your P’s and Q’s also has ties to the sea because it was a method of keeping books on the waterfront. Back in ye olden times, sailors were paid a pittance, so seamen drank their ale in taverns whose keepers were willing to extend credit until payday. Since many sailors were illiterate, barkeeps kept a tally of pints and quarts consumed by each sailor on a chalkboard behind the bar. Next to each person’s name, a mark was made under P for “pint” or Q for “quart” whenever a seaman ordered another draught.
On payday, each seaman had to pay up for each mark next to his name, so he was forced to mind his P’s and Q’s or he would get into financial trouble. To ensure an accurate count by dubious keepers, sailors had to keep their wits and remain somewhat sober. Sobriety usually ensured good behavior, hence today’s meaning of mind your P’s and Q’s.
DO ASK IF YOU CAN TASTE A DRAUGHT BEER. Many beer bars offer tastes as a courtesy, showing you different flavors and allowing you to find the best beer for your needs. Try to narrow down which beers you’d like to try by looking at the list and talking to the bartender about your favorite flavors. But just like your mom told you at Baskin-Robbins, taking advantage of this tasting courtesy at a beer bar is a no-no. Try to limit your tastes to two beers—three is pushing it.
DON’T ’T DRINK OUT OF THE BOTTLE. Good beer bars serve beer in the appropriate corresponding glass, which varies greatly in size, depending on the beer. When it’s served like this, you may think you aren’t getting enough of a good thing. But, just as you would not ask for white wine in a Pinot Noir glass, don’t ask for your Tripel in a pint glass. Believe us when we tell you that you are getting your money’s worth. If you had a 16-ounce pint glass full of that 9% Tripel, the beer would be resting too long, causing it to lose carbonation and warm up too quickly for that style. Not only that, but you might find yourself ass over teakettle before the night was through. Pint glasses are perfect for some beer styles but not all beer styles (see Chapter 7).
DO ASK FOR A GLASS IF YOU ORDER A GOOD BOTTLED BEER. We’ve been to some bars, which shall remain nameless, that dare to bring us a rare specialty Belgian beer, made by monks no less, without even a regular inferior pint glass to pour it into. This would be like ordering a bottle of wine and having it show up without glassware. Would you get the full flavor by drinking out of the bottle? The same applies to good beer. This style of beer should be served in a beautiful goblet or tulip-shaped glass, depending on the beer, just like they do it in beautiful Belgium. If you are a victim of this crime, feel free to ask for a proper glass.
DON’T SIMPLY ASK FOR A LIGHT BEER OR A DARK BEER OR AN ALE OR A LAGER. We cannot repeat or stress this enough. This is like going to a wine bar and just asking for a red wine or saying, “I’ll have something white.” This is too vague. It will leave your bartender with too much open room to give you a beer that might not match your palate. Again, go with flavors. Or if you are looking for something that is, say, light in alcohol, ask for that, but add some flavor descriptors. For example, “I’d like a low-alcohol, nutty, amber ale.” This will get you closer to the happiness you deserve.
DRINKING YOUR BEER
DO DRINK YOUR BEER LIKE WINE. We are talking about the kinds of beer that should be treated as well as you would treat a fine wine. Lift your glass up to the light and check out the color. Ask yourself what flavors you can expect from the roast of the malt. Swirl the glass and release the carbonation. Get your nose way down in there and breathe in the luscious aromatics. Finally, take a drink. Swirl the beer in your mouth, over your tongue. Take the time to really taste it. Think about what you are drinking. As with wine, there is the initial flavor, but then there are also secondary flavors and more subtle flavors that are revealed with each new sip.
DON’T SLAM YOUR BEER. One misconception that many people have about beer is that it should be guzzled. The Keg Stand, Quarters, Beer Pong, and many other popular pastimes all operate under this assumption. But swilling beer down your gullet without taking the time to savor or appreciate it is an offense to great beer. U
nless there’s money on the line, or unless it’s lite beer that you don’t want to taste, or unless you want pictures of yourself barfing on the sidewalk to be spread all over the Internet, don’t slam your beer.
DO TAKE NOTES.There’s nothing worse than having the most amazing beer you’ve ever had in your life and then not being able to recall it. We’ve found that if you write down the name of the beer and a few simple tasting notes, you are then able to relive that wonderful experience again and again. Also, writing down your beer experiences will help you refine and define your palate. (Yes, sometimes the notes will be illegible by the end of the evening, but give it a go anyway; if nothing else, they’re good for a laugh.)
DON’T NURSE YOUR BEER. If you’ve ever tasted a beer that has been sitting out for a long time, you probably weren’t very happy. It was too warm, and the carbonation had released from the beer, leaving it syrupy, sticky, and icky tasting. So don’t nurse your beer for an hour. If you’ve had the same beer for an hour, let it go and order a new one. If you are an extraordinarily slow beer drinker, it might be wise to order your beer in smaller sizes if you can. Which brings us to our next “do” ...
DO ORDER HALF-PINTS. If you are planning to taste a lot of flavors and take a little Beer Journey of your own, it’s wise to drink half-pints. Other than specialty glasses, the half-pint is actually our favorite beer serving size. There’s no shame in ordering a smaller portion. It will allow you to taste many beers without becoming belligerent, and the beer will stay at the proper temperature and carbonation levels. It’s true that you’ll have to order beer a little more often, but sometimes half-pints are the way to go. The size of your glass does not relate to the size of your anything, so be the person (listen up, guys) who is secure enough to drink out of the half-pint.
DON’T DRINK OUT OF PITCHERS . Most craft beer bars don’t even offer pitchers anymore, but if they do, don’t order your beer in one. For the same reasons you shouldn’t nurse your beer for an hour, you shouldn’t drink quality beer out of a pitcher. Not only has the beer at the bottom of the pitcher been sitting around for way too long, but the careful calibration of carbonation is probably off because of the continued pouring and agitation of the pitcher. Draught beer is meant to be poured once: from the tap to your glass. The carbonation of the beer releases too much when it is poured into a pitcher and then poured into glasses over and over again. We do realize that pitchers may be cheaper, but usually the price difference doesn’t make up for the loss of flavor. Quality, not quantity.
SENDING BACK YOUR BEER
DO SEND BACK A BEER WHEN YOU TRULY DON’T LIKE THE FLAVOR. If it’s not what you asked for, or if the beer is totally not want you wanted, or if you hate the taste of it, it’s perfectly okay to return your beer.
A NOTE ON THE BEER SNOB; OR, DON’T BE A D-BAG
We’ve been accused on more than one occasion of being beer snobs. And yes, we admit, in the past we have been. In the adolescence of our life with beer, we sometimes used our beer knowledge for evil. We admit
that we have used our beer prowess to seem superior to others, take bitchy demanding women down a peg, and belittle arrogant boys. And while that is fun—really fun—it ultimately does not pay off or bode well for good beer. We want to bring people into the craft beer world, not scare them away.
There is a certain amount of snobbery that comes with learning about the finer things. Once you’ve had an amazing first-growth Bordeaux, for instance, it’s tough to go back to enjoying Two-Buck Chuck. That’s not your fault. But don’t insult someone’s beer choice, regardless of how stupid and bad you think it may be. Don’t condemn; instead, offer suggestions of a beer that she might like based on the stupid choice you’ve just seen her make.
But be careful; while you may know more than your friends do, you don’t want to become the person no one wants to have dinner with. Realize that knowledge is power. If you’re talking more than tasting, telling more than teaching, and insulting more than inspiring, then you’re not doing craft beer any favors.
If you know good beer, consider yourself an ambassador for it. Beer knowledge is exciting. You’ll want to spread the word. Just do us a favor and do it in the nicest way possible.
DON’T SEND YOUR BEER BACK WHEN YOU’VE ORDERED THE BEER JUST BECAUSE OF THE FUNNY NAME AND THEN YOU DON’T LIKEIT. Ask about the flavors first, then order the Arrogant Bastard because it makes you laugh. Otherwise, you made your beer bed, now drink it.
DON’T SEND BACK A BEER BECAUSE IT’S“TOO FOAMY.” Once you delve into Chapter 6 you will learn that beer is meant to have a substantial head on it. This relates to the aromatics and enjoyment of the beer. In fact, if you are served a pint with no head at all (what we call the dirty dishwater look), you should be suspicious. Beer should have at least a two-finger head, and many Belgian beers have an even thicker head due to the yeast, carbonation, and glass shape.
DON’T DRINK FROMA DIRTY GLASS. It is perfectly okay to send back a beer if the glass is dirty. Just because beer is often more casual than wine doesn’t mean you are supposed to drink your Pale Ale from a dirty glass.
DO SEND BACK YOUR BEER IF IT TASTES OFF. If you’re drinking a beer you are very familiar with, perhaps your new favorite Porter, and it tastes wrong, skunky, or sour, it is perfectly good manners to send it back. There may be something wrong with the keg, or perhaps the draught lines at that bar have not been cleaned in some time. Just like wine, if beer is not kept well, it can go bad. And it’s good for the bartender to know that he may have a rotten keg, so that he can send it back as soon as possible.
We can guarantee you that if you walk into a beer bar after taking basic Beer 101, you will outshine every other joker in the joint with your newfound beer manners. Not that this is a competition, but we all like to feel sexy and special, and competing for best outfit in the bar is a bit passé. The best way to stand out is to start dropping your beer lingo, to know what you want, and to ask for it directly. This intelligence and confidence is sexier than the blink of a skirt that model is wearing at the end of the bar.
Okay, you’ve passed Beer 101. Easy. How do you feel? You should feel like beer has been demystified a bit. You are now way ahead of most of the drinking public, and as you learn more about the beer styles and can pick out specific flavors, you will see the craft beer list begin to lose its mystery. You will start to group the beers together in your mind based on flavor and style guidelines, and you will know where to go when you want a bitter beer and how to find a sweet one. You’ve begun the Beer Journey. It only gets better from here ...
TWO
The Art of Beer
In my opinion, most of the great men of the past were only there for the beer.
—ALAN JOHN PERCIVALE TAYLOR, BRITISH HISTORIAN
Understanding What Makes a Great Beer Great
Great beer is indeed an art form: Part science, part creativity, part perfect palate, and a special dose of a certain je ne sais quoi. One must have a strategy to create a great beer. The masterful brewer will lay out quality ingredients, make a specific recipe, and execute each step with great care and attention. She or he must, of course, use what is available, and the brewers from years past did the best they could with their environment, working with and sometimes combating wild yeast, wide temperature variations, failed crops of hops, or disappointing yields of barley. Whatever the circumstances, they brewed on. The great brewer will approach all of these setbacks with a quick change of plan, sometimes leading to unique beers—happy accidents that take on a life of their own. It’s important to be able to recognize this great effort when tasting your way through the craft beer world, to know when you are drinking a work of art.
After all, a Beer Journey isn’t just about drinking every style, it’s also about having a creative approach to your beer choices. It’s about understanding what makes certain beers stand out among others and asking yourself why. At this point, you should be forming some opinions and beginning to differentiate between beers b
ased on flavor notes, giving your own personal opinion some gravitas, and anointing your palate to a higher calling. The following chapters break down the flavor profiles and history of different beer styles, from Hefeweizens to Barleywines, and this chapter arms you with the knowledge and skills needed to formulate an approach when evaluating a variety of beers. Now that you have mastered Beer 101, it’s time to examine the intricacies of tasting beer—the mouthfeel, the carbonation—to revere beer’s great history, and to seek out the deeper questions posed by each pint.
Who Should We Thank? A Little Beer History
Beer is old. We don’t mean Sistine Chapel old, we mean old old. We’re talking people-carving-notes-to-each-other-in-stone old. We’re talking sacrificing-goats-at-parties old. Beer is, in fact, arguably one of the oldest of all alcoholic drinks. Scientists have been able to date beer back to around 7000 BCE from remnants in ancient pottery found in what is now Iran. The Sumerians seem to have been the first to have made detailed notes about beer, one of the most famous pieces being “The Hymn to Ninkasi,” their goddess of alcohol.
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