Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  “I guess I'm in.”

  The bus door flew open and the driver called out. Ethan pulled the hand out from behind him to reveal the crown I had dropped earlier. He dropped his cigarette and stomped it out, while he put the crown gently back on my head.

  He pulled a fresh cigarette out of his pocket, lit it and took a long drag. When he saw that I was watching him, he winked at me. I cracked a smile and thanked him. Smoking never bothered me. My first two real boyfriends, Steven and Austin, both smoked. Ethan shrugged and put on a sloppy grin as we headed towards the bus.

  Once inside, he took my hand and pulled me past everyone to the sleeping area. All of my bus mates cheered and made comments like “Queen Cleo” as we walked through. I smiled and waved as we passed. Closing the curtains and turning to face the bunks I saw we were alone. My heart began to beat a little louder. We continued, quickly moving past the beds to go to the way back.

  The third section of the bus was a smaller lounge area. Moving the curtains aside, we saw that it was merely two long couches set together in an “L” shape. There was a TV hanging near the ceiling and a small table coming from the wall. This is the only place people will give you any kind of privacy.

  Ethan plopped down on one side of the couch, and I laid down on the other, resting our heads in the middle so we could talk but not look at each other. I took the crown off, placing it on the table. Ethan grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. He clicked through the channels until he found one that only played music. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the peaceful moment.

  One of my favorite bands began to play through the speakers. I sighed with contentment and started singing the lyrics softly. This was nice. No shouting or arguing. No one was passing gas or trying to punch me because they saw a bug or some car. Not that I didn’t love them. I did. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. But this was nice too.

  “You have a beautiful voice,” Ethan's soft words pulled me out of my thoughts. I opened one eye and smiled as I finished the song. Sitting back up, I looked at him in the light. I had forgotten how handsome he was.

  I was born with dark hair that had a very slight wave to it. My eyes were a soft brown, and my face was what my mother called “doll-like.” I was born with a button nose and the pouty lips to tie it all together. My skin had just a tint of a permanent tan. I was the palest in my family. Everyone used to tease me that my father was the mailman, especially since I never learned to speak Spanish like my siblings.

  The only thing I was self-conscious of was my smile. I had a very noticeable gap in between my two front teeth. My parents couldn’t afford braces so over the years I have learned to embrace it. In fact, Sam and many of the other reps at the record label encourage me to show off my smile. They say it makes me stand out, which in this world is a good thing. But it wasn’t always that way back home.

  I was teased mercilessly by kids when I was in school. Girls could be so cruel. They would ask if I was wearing joke teeth, or if I had food stuck in between them. It got to the point where I didn’t like to talk. But that mostly stopped when I met the guys. They became my protectors. I couldn’t even count how many times they beat up a guy for calling me a “gap-toothed bitch,” or managed to get revenge on a girl for teasing me to tears. They saw something in me that I didn’t. I was their unofficial sister, and they were my brothers for life.

  My parents, although cold and lacking in affection most of the time, agreed with Sam and the label. They loved my gap. Every once in a while, I’d see my mom pausing in the kitchen to look at me and smile. Her eyes would grow distant like she recalled something pleasant. One time I asked her about it and she revealed that I was the spitting image of her mother. Although I never had the chance to meet her, everyone swore I was her incarnate. All five feet tall and slender frame. The only difference my mother would tell the family was my breasts. “Her boobies are way bigger than Ma’s ever were. Ain’t that right Teresa?” I recalled her nasally, lightly accented voice as she would repeat those words over and over at any family function I attended. I didn’t make it a habit to visit. I didn’t think anyone really missed me. I was more of a nuisance than anything. Just the kid no one wanted, but they got anyway.

  I sat up and turned to look down at Ethan. He looked up from where he was lying and just smiled. As I stared into Ethan's bright blue eyes, all I could think about were his lips. I wanted him to kiss me. Would it be wrong to practice for the video? I forced myself to look away. Yes, it would be wrong.

  “That whole thing was a mess, wasn’t it?” He said suddenly. “I still see stuff about our “secret romance” every once in a while,” he tried to joke. It made me crack a genuine smile.

  “Yeah, there were so many theories and stories about us, how we’d been dating for years. People saw us getting hotels under different names and wearing wigs so we could see each other,” I laughed. I shook my head at it. People were crazy. We were never that clever.

  “It was fun though, while it lasted.”

  I frowned. Yeah, it was. But then I panicked and fled. I ran right into Chris’ arms, thinking he was the only one who understood me. What a ridiculous notion that was.

  “I’m sorry about your husband. That sucks. How’d you find out?” I gulped.

  “I saw them. In bed.” I said. He sat up quickly and stared at me, his jaw dropped.

  “What? Cleo…” he started, but I put my hand up to stop him.

  “What about you? You don’t have a girl waiting at home for you that’s going to kill me for kissing you on stage?” I asked. I tried to keep my voice light, but I was still hurting inside. There was a pause, and then he said,

  “Nope. Just me, myself and I.” I tried not to smile, but it peaked out.

  “So, are we cool now? Or is this going to be a very awkward and uncomfortable tour?” I asked after I pondered his response. I decided to get it out in the open. He rubbed his nose a bit and stared off into the distance. I noticed he was very twitchy like he had drunk an entire pot of espresso and chased it with a pound of sugar and an energy drink. He slid closer to me. Leaning over he kissed my neck where his name was. I gasped as his hand fell onto my thigh.

  “I think we’ll be fine,” he said laughing. He had to stop kissing me there. I moved away reflexively, and he respected my distance. “I’ll stop with the jabs about the past. If we plan to work together, I can be professional. I promise,” he swore, moving his fingers across his chest. “Cross my heart.”

  I let out a huge breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. Watching me, Ethan started to chuckle, which naturally made me start to giggle and soon we were both bent over in laughter. I began to fall off the couch, but he quickly grabbed me and laid me flat on my back. He moved over me, our bodies parallel. I felt his body throb against my hip. We locked eyes for a moment, but he suddenly jerked away. I looked to see the curtain had opened. Seth and Spencer were grinning at us with drunken smiles. Ethan sighed and we moved apart. Glancing at each other again both of us burst into smiles. Oops. Ethan’s band mates started laughing and gave each other a knowing look. I threw a pillow at them. Seth finally pulled the curtain back, leaving us alone. Although I had a feeling they were still watching.

  I waited until I was sure they went back to the party before returning to my bunk I grabbed Ethan’s jacket from my bed and returned to Ethan lying on the couch with his eyes closed. I tossed it gently to him. He looked up at me with confusion. “I gave this to you,” he said quietly.

  “You don’t want it back?” I asked, and he looked hurt.

  “No, you keep it. You looked good in it. Wear it for the video or something,” he grinned wickedly. My heart sped up. Quickly I snatched it back before one of us changed our minds.

  I went to lay back down on the couch with him, but he got up and went to his bunk. He pulled out his large duffel bag and began rummaging through it. I watched him purely out of boredom. That was until he winked at me as he unbuttoned his jeans slowly. I blushed when I saw his thin, dark tra
il of hair leading into his boxers. He raised one eyebrow at me and turned around to bare his ass. I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle. Quickly he changed into lounge pants, leaving his shirt off.

  He sprawled out on the couch. Knowing that other people might come back, I chose to stay on the opposite side of the room.

  “Do you like movies?” He asked.

  “Yeah, turn it to something funny,” I told him as he reached for the remote again. He scrolled through the channels until he found an old comedy I’d seen a million times. I laid down and tried to get comfortable.

  I tried to focus on the movie, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan’s reaction to my confession about Chris. He wasn’t happy or vindictive. I couldn’t put my finger on what he was thinking. I turned my head to look at him only to find his blue eyes staring back at me. So many words between us were still left unsaid. I had a feeling that in time it would all come out. But did I really want that? Or would it be more heartbreak?

  Chapter Three

  Still Into You

  The next day we were more cordial with each other than the night before. We were scheduled to play a show in Indianapolis that afternoon, and then we’d be right back on the bus traveling to the next city. It was a crazy schedule, but sometimes I felt like I was just going through the motions. I smiled and joked with all the guys, but there were some days I just wanted to lay down and tune out the world. I was still hurting from the truth about Chris.

  Despite my tragic home life, touring with the guys was a blast. We would play our shows, sign autographs, take some pictures and do a few interviews. Then the rest of the time was ours. Every night we acted out the whole old rivals thing. Some nights our band wore the crown, other nights Cruel Distraction took the win. It was just for fun after all. It was the best job in the world. It helped take my mind off my problems at home.

  As much fun as we were having, we were also being hounded by Sam to get him a song. So most of my free time was spent in the back of the bus with Ethan while we tried to figure out lyrics, melodies, and what we wanted to tell. After much discussion and arguing, Ethan and I decided on a power ballad. It would start out with us angry, upset and demanding to be heard by the other person. It would then turn slowly into us apologizing to each other and making up.

  It was hard at first, trying to write lyrics about something so intimate. There were more than a few jabs at each other about this or that. However, once we finally got into a groove, working with Ethan was going great. I was impressed with how he knew what notes would sound perfect with what line in the song. I thought we had something with great potential.

  After that first night when we almost kissed, it never happened again. There wasn’t any long stolen looks or kisses on the neck. He treated me like one of the guys, which was good, kind of. Sometimes I would catch him staring at me. He would quickly turn away when our eyes met. I couldn’t help but wonder if he still had any lingering feelings.

  A bunch of us were chilling at a skatepark outside Detroit that the guys insisted we visit while we had some downtime. Both of our bands came from Michigan, so we knew these cities like the back of our hands, literally. Maria Maria lived closer to the wrist, near Indiana. Cruel Distraction was slightly higher up, towards the middle of your palm. They came from the capitol; Lansing, Michigan.

  Ethan and I sat on a picnic table outside the gates while the guys skated and tried to pick up girls. Today was one of the rare times we weren’t working on the new music. It was a nice break.

  Ethan grabbed my hand and raised it to look at the tattoo on my wrist. It was a simple block of script.

  “All for one, one for all.”

  He read the words aloud then looked at me, amused. “Is that from The Three Musketeers?” I laughed and took my hand back, rubbing the spot where the words lay forever.

  “We all got it done when we left home. We swore to each other that we would never regret leaving everything behind. It’s a reminder that even when this sucks, we are all in it together. Always,” I explained, looking towards my friends. Derek had pulled out his hacky sack, and a few people joined him in a circle playing.

  “It’s crazy to think back to the days when we were sitting in Derek's garage playing our hand me down instruments. We were all so stupid. I was dating Adrian at the time. I swore we’d be together forever,” I laughed at the memories.

  “That’s a love song I’d like to hear,” he joked, and I shoved him with my shoulder playfully. After a moment it grew quiet again. Ethan sat with me listening intently to me. No one did that. Ever.

  “Tell me another story,” he told me, his face sincere. I thought about it and then laughed.

  “For the first summer we toured, Mark had a dog. It was this pug he named Fart. He took it with us in Derek's small van we bought off of his mom,” I smiled at the memories. “I hated that dog, but now that he’s gone I almost miss him.”

  “What happened to him?” I snorted when I laughed, which made Ethan crack up. I smacked him to stop. When I caught my breath, I continued.

  “We were at a festival, and he got stolen! We found him weeks later with this band where Mark had screwed their bassist. She was so pissed at him for avoiding her that when he was in the bathroom she snuck in and took him.”

  “Did you get him back?” I shook my head, laughing at the memory of the little guy.

  “Nah, Mark felt guilty for what he did, so he let her keep poor little Fart. She renamed him Sammy.” I said as we laughed.

  “What about you? Tell me about your tattoos. I see you’ve got some new ones,” I said, glancing at his neck.

  “But I only got to ask you about one of yours. I wanted to ask about the one on your neck,” he teased. I shook my head and poked one on his arm.

  “This one? She’s my newest one. I got it a few months ago in Germany. We were opening for Accepted Perversion, and they were hanging out with this chick who turned out to be some award-winning artist specializing in pin-up work. She’s from California, but was doing some work there and offered me a deal if she could test some stuff out. So, she gave me this marionette. It’s pretty cool huh?” I nodded. It was a stunning piece. It was a girl with pigtails, her face painted like a cute clown. She wore a corset, tutu and striped socks while she posed provocatively. It was bad-ass.

  “Did any of the other guys get anything from her?” I asked. Her work was smooth. I almost wanted something done. I had some room on my back left. He shook his head.

  “No, it got kind of weird. Emile, their vocals, I think they hooked up or something. Have you ever met him? He parties hard and, when he's high, he can be a huge dick. Right after that night he made us leave,” he said.

  “I’ve seen him at festivals, but never met any of the band,” I commented. Accepted Perversion was huge right now. Everywhere you looked Emile Dahl’s face was plastered on every magazine and every music channel on TV was playing their videos. They were calling him “rock royalty.”

  “Yeah they’re cool, but Emile is sort of nuts.” He looked like he was thinking about something, a memory maybe. He turned back to me with an evil grin. “Alright, let’s see the tattoo all your friends keep telling us about,” he teased and raised his eyebrow daring me to show him. I blushed, fully aware of which one he was talking about.

  “I swear I’m going to kill them all one day,” I swore.

  “Let's see it!” He urged. Sighing, I jumped up on the table and unbuttoned my shorts and lowered them to bare my ass cheek. I heard the hoots and calls from the guys around the park. I was wearing black lacy boy shorts, so you were able to see the massive rose with a skull in the middle of it. Not my wisest decision but it was a nicely done piece. I did it on a dare. Plus, I had at least one tattoo that was a worse decision than this one.

  Ethan reached up and smacked my bare bottom hard! I yelped and grabbed my shorts. Hopping back down, I punched him in the shoulder. He feigned pain, and I scooted closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder. He took my
hand in his and squeezed.

  “Why didn’t I stay?” I asked him, sadness dripping in my voice. He didn’t say anything for a long time. My words having more power than intended.

  “It’s not all sunshine and rainbows with me, Doll. I was in a bad place when we were together. I still have trouble with stuff sometimes,” he told me. I understood him without having to push it.

  No one talked about it, but Ethan was doing harder drugs than the rest of us. Before shows he would lock himself in a bathroom, taking this little box with him. When he came out, he was higher than a kite. Then, after the shows, he’d disappear again. It was obvious what was going on, but he didn’t seem to let it affect his work. Maybe it was what made him so fantastic on stage. For the most part, he was pretty easy to be around afterward. I had toured with some people who were downright awful. Mostly he was just jumpy and hyper. I tried not to think about it.

  He never offered me anything and kept whatever was in that box to himself. Although I didn’t partake in smoking, I still couldn’t judge anyone's life choices. I was almost always a little drunk, and they passed weed around the bus like candy. We all had problems. I squeezed his hand and kissed his shoulder.

  “No one should be all sunshine and rainbows. You know how annoying that would be?” I replied, trying to pull him from the darkness he was trying to escape to. I smiled at him, but he just stared blankly at me. After a long moment, his face relaxed. I snuggled my head closer, inhaling the scent of his cologne. It was familiar and comforting.

  I felt a twinge of guilt when I realized I hadn’t even thought about Christopher in a day or two. It was easy to forget my home life when I was with Ethan.

  As the summer went on and we moved from city to city, I was able to be happy again. People noticed my drastic mood change pretty quickly. Three weeks in, when it was only me and my bandmates having dinner, Mark spoke up.