Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  He was impressive right from the start. At his graduation party, after we performed, he came right over to me and introduced himself. Christopher Thomas, attorney at law. He was dashing and exciting. I loved how confident he was, and even now, I still couldn’t deny he was gorgeous. He had an air about him. He was the complete opposite of any guy I had dated before. I think that’s why I liked him. He was different. We could go off and do things without the band. We never talked about music. It was a nice reprieve from everything. At the time, I loved it.

  Now, looking back I should have seen the signs. He hated my friends. Christopher had me meet his family right away. His mother wasn’t exactly pleased with our sudden wedding, but after we got to know each other, she came around to me. In fact, the last time I saw her she practically begged me to settle down and have his babies. That’s all he wanted me for, to have someone to bring home. Holly apparently wasn’t good enough. I was just the stand in wife, to use when it was necessary. He didn’t love me. I shook the thoughts out of my head. I didn’t want to think about my cheating husband while I was around Ethan. It confused me.

  * * *

  Our show that night went awesome. I didn’t hiccup once on the lyrics to any of the new songs or stumble on any cords on the stage. The rush from the show was flowing through me. I pushed the guys out into the lobby where the bar was. We sat down, and I ordered rounds of vodka and energy drinks for everyone.

  We were only there about a minute before someone noticed and people wanting autographs surrounded us. I agreed to take pictures with anybody that bought us drinks. I would have done it anyway, but being a musician meant that I was always pretty broke. I did have Chris’ credit card, but I hated using it. It just made me feel that more dependent on him.

  Cruel Distraction was announced and I jumped up. “Crap! I was supposed to watch the show tonight. Come on. We need to go back,” I said. Derek and Mark ignored me.

  “I don’t think I can make it back up the stairs Cleo,” Adrian mumbled that he wanted to stay at the bar. He had drunk at least double the drinks I had. I pulled him off the stool.

  “No, I can’t miss this. Let’s go to the floor,” I urged, holding on to him. The room was full. We had to squeeze through the crowd before people started to recognize us. Only then did they back up and let us move. I wasn’t trying to be close to the stage. I didn’t want to be pushed around and groped. I just needed to see him. I needed him to see me.

  He came onto the stage looking gorgeous as usual. The screams were deafening. I felt someone grab my waist and I jumped, startled. I looked back and saw Adrian struggling to hold us both up. I looked at him, and we both erupted into laughter. He was wasted.

  They started their set. I had heard it a dozen times now but being in the crowd was different. Closing my eyes, I let myself enjoy the show. I danced along to the music. I hadn’t been in the audience at a concert in years. I had almost forgotten the feeling. Everybody dancing and singing along to every line. All of us sweating and screaming, hoping that one of the people on stage would see us and smile. Maybe give us a shout out or toss a drumstick.

  After a few songs, I heard a very familiar melody. I stopped dancing and looked up to the stage. Ethan was standing in the middle holding on to the microphone stand. The baseline pounded in my ears. No freaking way.

  “So I have a story kids, gather around,” he said, which made everyone clammer in closer. I took the opportunity to step back and breathe. What was he doing? I asked myself, quickly sobering up with each note the guitars played softly. Only a handful of people knew that song.

  “There’s this boy. He fell hard for this girl, and she tore his heart out. Stomped on it, ripped it to shreds. It took time, but he finally decided he was over her,” Ethan tipped his mic stand over and caught it with his leg, kicking it back into his hand.

  “But then she just showed up, just to stir up old memories that he was trying pretty fuckin’ hard to forget. And now she’s moved on but turns out he still can’t. He wants to tell her, but he doesn’t know how. So, from me to you, babe. If you’re out there, this is for you. This is for what should have been said years ago,” he told the crowd as the band launched full force into the song. Our song. Our duet.

  I watched in shock as he started singing. He sang about the first time we met. The first time we kissed. Then the first time we…

  “I screwed her, but I didn’t realize until it was too late that she had screwed me,”

  I gasped, hearing it for the first time performed was odd. I panicked when I realized that my part was coming up. I started pushing past people to get to the stage. Ethan stormed across the stage as we had rehearsed. He was playing his part well. His anger was very convincing. A little too convincing. I felt a twinge of pain when I realized that some of that anger was real. His first verse ended, so he paused and the band played on.

  The crowd erupted in cheers and screams. Some people let me through quickly, but others glared at me and swore. Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see two big guys motioning for me to let them lift me up. I nodded and before I could thank them I was crowd surfing. People were screaming about getting me to the stage, and a few girls boo’d. I just had to laugh. The security made sure it was me before helping me grab Ethan’s hand. He pulled me up and his mouth locked onto mine in front of everyone. My eyes flew open. This kiss wasn’t planned.

  The screams were deafening. I pulled away, and he kissed me again, harder. His lips were soft and tender, while his mouth was hard as I kissed him back. Finally, remembering that we had an audience, I pushed him forcefully away. He stumbled back in surprise. I bit my lip, trying to look apologetic without breaking character. He understood and straightened back up. Glaring at each other, I never took my eyes off him as I was handed a microphone. I pulled the hair ties out of my hair and shook my head, letting my hair fly all over. His eyes shone with excitement while the rest of his face stayed hard. They dared me to fight back. As soon as I heard my cue, I launched into my part of the song. My verse was filled with just as much hate and pain as his was.

  “You wanted everything that I couldn’t give you. I wanted time, and your solution was a tattoo!” I sang into the mic.

  We walked in a semi-circle, never breaking eye contact. I could feel the heat between us, and I felt like the crowd could too.

  Then we met up in the middle for the chorus. We pressed our backs against each other and sang out to the crowd. As if we just couldn’t bear to look at each other anymore. The fans went ballistic.

  We kicked off each other and sang our parts again, when we returned to the chorus again we went to each other. Although this time our hands found each other’s. We interlocked our fingers still pressed against each other's backs. So that even though we said we were through with each other, our body language revealed we were lying. All part of the act of course. We had been planning this for weeks now, and it was going perfectly.

  The next part of the song was sadder, more about the heartbreak and pain. It was about missing each other. Me regretting not staying. Him wishing he ran after me. We finished the last few lines together, our arms around each other, looking deeply into each other's eyes.

  The song ended, and we stopped singing, but he didn’t let me go. I could feel his chest rising heavily from the excitement of our performance. Looking up at his face, I saw pain. I let my mouth hang open just a bit so I could breathe better. My hair and clothes clung to my skin.

  Ethan moved one hand off my hip and raised it to brush my hair away from my neck, revealing our matching tattoos to the fans. Still, he never took his eyes off me. I hadn’t realized how much the song drained me until I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Before I could wipe it away, Ethan moved to brush it away with his thumb gently.

  I saw him gulp and open his mouth just a fraction. I was still in shock over what had just happened, I couldn’t speak. That was a fantastic performance. He was extraordinary. Suddenly he pulled away, and we moved to stand next to
each other on the stage. He gripped my hand still and pulled me into a bow. I looked at the screaming fans, but my mind was elsewhere. Did we just… what was that?

  He put the mic to his mouth again. “Alright, that’s it for us. Good night folks!” He said and, still holding my hand, he pulled me off the stage. When we were behind the curtain, he let go of me, and we turned to face each other. We were both drenched in sweat and grinning ear to ear at each other.

  I hurled myself at him, hugging him. “That was crazy! It went perfect! They loved it!” I screamed. He laughed, and when I let go, he was beaming.

  “I thought it would be better to surprise you,” his eyes sparkled with mischief.

  “That was one hell of a surprise. I need to go find the guys,” I told him, hurrying off to find my friends. They were rushing backstage when I saw them. All of us were jumping up and down in excitement.

  “You were amazing Cleo! That was insane!” Derek shouted. Adrian picked me up and spun me around.

  “That’s our girl!” He said.

  “We should call Sam. That song is fire!” Mark said.

  We caught up with Cruel Distraction, and they were all just as excited as we were. I found myself gravitating to Ethan’s side. His beautiful blue eyes shone with happiness. I could only assume my brown pair matched his because I was riding a high like no other.

  He took my hand and squeezed. I leaned into him. I felt him lean down and kiss the top of my head. I didn’t care if people saw us. Chris never once came to a show. God forbid he support me in any way. I think people assumed that we had separated. Granted that wasn’t exactly the truth, it also wasn’t far off. I didn’t know where Chris and I were at anymore. Let people think what they wanted.

  We held on to each other until we heard someone clear their throat. I moved away to look towards the sound. I felt Ethan's body tense next to mine and drop my hand as we looked at a woman dressed in a tiny green dress that barely covered her naughty bits. She was gorgeous with her fuchsia hair, big eyes, and full, pink lips to match her shiny locks.

  “Ethan?” She asked, her face contorting into a look of confusion, and then pure hatred when she looked from me to him. I looked back at him, but his eyes were wide and focused on the very famous pop star in front of us. He gulped, and I saw the blood drain from his face.

  “Dixie?”

  Chapter Four

  Might Tell You Tonight

  I couldn’t decide what made me more uncomfortable. Was it that the first thing Ethan did when he realized who was there was pull away from me or that I felt like we had been caught doing something wrong? Was this what Holly felt like? No, because I felt guilty. When I slammed the door shut on my husband and his bare-assed assistant, entangled in each other, I heard laughter. She had thought it was hilarious. I, however, did not enjoy feeling like I had destroyed someone's relationship. Even if it was just for show.

  They left through a door moments later leaving me standing there like an idiot. Mark strode over and took my hand. I tried to let go, but he wasn’t going to let me get upset here. He let go and moved in front of me. Bending over, he let me climb onto his back. Without taking my eyes off the door they had left out of. Wrapping my arms tightly around my friend he carried me away. I was so confused.

  I had seen her face before on TV, and on every magazine at the gas stations. To the world, she was Duchess, the newest pop princess. He called her Dixie. Was that her real name? Must be. Of course her legal name wasn’t Duchess. No one in Hollywood kept their real name. But why was she here at our show, of all places? Deep inside I knew. It was obvious.

  Mark took the long way out of the building to make sure we didn’t run into them outside. The rest of the guys followed us out. When Mark put me down I looked at my bandmates. They had looks of pity on their faces. I would not cry. Screw him. I was furious. Why didn’t he tell me?

  “What do you want to do?” Adrian asked. I shrugged and stormed onto the bus. They joined me shortly and we sat together in cold silence. Finally, Mark turned the stereo on so it played softly. He couldn’t sit in silence. I leaned back against Derek who was sipping on a beer.

  “Why do I do this? I’m married. I don’t care about it. Him or her. God, I’m so stupid!” I said, more of to myself than them.

  “Well screw your marriage for one,” Mark said. “And Ethan, in his defense, probably wasn’t expecting her to show up to a show.”

  “What do you mean?” I turned to look at him. Derek thoughtlessly started playing with my hair. We were all too close, I thought to myself. It was like we were all one person. None of us had any sense of personal space. I pushed him away. He frowned. I wasn’t in the mood.

  “He didn’t tell you? They dated for a few years.” I leaned back into Derek’s chest. “Seth mentioned it, but he said they broke up,” Mark added as an explanation. It didn’t matter. Ethan lied.

  He knew she could show up. Why wouldn’t he warn me? I told him about Christopher. Why didn’t he tell me about his girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? I doubted it since she looked crushed when she saw us holding hands. I asked him directly if he was seeing someone and he lied to me. Why did I even think this would work? Was he using me to make her jealous?

  Duchess was one of the most recognizable celebrities right now. She was a huge popstar. How could I compete with her? Why didn’t he mention her? I kept repeating the questions over and over in my head. None of this made any sense. Adrian went to the fridge and brought us all another round of beer.

  “I’m just gonna chill for a while. Pretend my life doesn’t suck for a bit. You guys go ahead and party, or whatever. Don’t worry about me,” I told them, but no one moved to get up.

  Derek spoke from behind me. “I think we all need a night in.” With that, Mark turned the TV on and got a movie started. I snuggled deeper into Derek's chest. I heard him sigh and ask Mark to hand him another beer. I started to relax, but tensed when I heard voices outside.

  I looked out the window and saw we were still in the parking lot of the venue. Glancing around I saw my friends looking at me, wondering what I was going to do. I got up quickly and left them on the bus. I didn’t want to argue with them. I knew if I paused to say something, we would.

  I climbed down the steps, catching Cruel Distraction right outside the bus. They were yelling and cursing, but stopped when I came out. They glanced at me, then moved past me to get on the bus. Only Ethan stayed. Standing in front of me, eyes red and puffy, looking so sad. I could tell he was tweaking. He looked rough. I wanted to be angry, but I instantly wanted to go and soothe him. See why he was so upset. I looked around to see if anybody else was around. Other than the guys on the bus, we were alone.

  “We need to talk,” he said, his voice hoarse. I just glared at him. I didn’t want to just run back to him. I needed him to know I was angry. He screwed up. He lied to me for no reason. I folded my arms across my chest, flinching a bit. My muscles were sore from the show.

  He crumpled to the ground. “Cleo, you don’t know. I need to explain. Dixie. It’s not easy. She had some free time and wanted to see me. She came to bring some things that I had left at her place,” he stood up, opening and closing his mouth. He looked uncomfortable, as if he wanted to say more, but didn’t know how. I decided just to let it be. Not make him explain anything. Honestly, I didn’t want to hear about it. Just thinking about him with someone else was weird. I’m sure he felt the same way.

  “We’re not together. Not anymore. I mean, we were. I broke it off before the tour. I think she’s having some trouble with it,” he rushed, trying to explain. I shook my head.

  “Ethan, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it. I guess I deserved it. Look, I need some time to think,” I said lamely. Hurt flashed on his face, but quickly disappeared and turned into a look of determination. He grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. I wanted to fight, but I also wanted to go with him. Wherever that was.

  We walked away from the bus. I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until he
stopped and turned to me. He asked me if I was alright. We were on a busy sidewalk. People were entering and leaving the bars; passing by, not recognizing us.

  “Sorry, I’ve had a long night. Give me a minute.” I told him, but he shook his head slightly as if to say, “This will certainly not do.” I grinned, imagining him saying that in one of his funny voices.

  Ethan turned around and bent over, slapping his back to indicate for me to climb on. This was becoming a popular mode of transportation for me lately. It probably helped that I was short and light. I moved forward and practically fell onto him. With a slight groan, he stood up, straightened, and grabbed my thighs while I wrapped my arms around his neck. He started walking. Leaning my head against his, I inhaled his scent. Cologne and sweat. I adored it.

  I closed my eyes and may have fallen asleep because soon enough he was calling my name and shaking me around lightly. “Cleo, did you fall asleep? Cleo, wake up.” I groaned and hugged him tighter. I wasn’t ready to walk.

  “We’re here, I’m setting you down,” he warned me as I climbed off of him. I stumbled, looking around.

  Grinding the sleep out of my eyes, I see we are at a low-key club. There were no windows or advertisements. Just a tiny sign at the top of the door. It said WHAT’S THE PASSWORD in neon pink letters.

  “What is this?” I asked him, and he smiled as he opened the door for me to go in. A large man in a black suit greeted us at a second door. He had a clipboard in his hand. He looked up and smiled warmly at us. He opened his arms and Ethan embraced him in a hug.