by Paige, Tylor
“You didn’t give me the choice!” He shouted back at me. I flinched.
“What choice, Ethan? Would you really have dropped everything to do this with me?” I asked him. His eyes were wild with anger and disbelief.
“Cleo those are my damn kids! I have every right to be there.” I stopped him.
“No. No you don’t. You were about to kill someone when you didn’t have your fix. You were in no shape to be a dad. How could you help me when you couldn’t help yourself?”
“So, what? You dropped your career and became the housewife he always wanted you to be?” He accused. Tears welled in my eyes over the truth. My lips trembled. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. This was not how I wanted this to happen.
He stopped talking and just gazed at me. Pain shone in his eyes. We stared at each other unsure of what to say. Suddenly we both turned to the baby monitor which Dallas’ voice was coming out of.
“Jimmy, are you awake? I want to play trucks.” We turned back to each other and he gulped nervously. His hands on his arms, rubbing them nervously.
“Could I… can I meet them?” He asked, almost pleading. I felt sorry for him in that moment. He was asking to meet his children. I nodded and motioned for him to follow me inside. It was perfect timing, because the snow was starting to fall faster.
“Stay here, I’ll go get them.” I pointed to the couch. He looked around my home curiously, and then took a seat on the furniture.
Dallas was standing next to his sister’s bed with one of his cars. He had his little arms raised above his head, preparing to smash the truck down onto her tiny, matching body.
“No!” I whispered as I ran into the room and snatched him up. I scolded him as quietly as I could and led him out of the room. He began to whine that she wasn’t up yet.
“Let her be. You have plenty of time to play. Let’s go downstairs. Mommy has a friend waiting to meet you,” I told him. He crossed his arms and although not happy about it, followed me down the stairs with no fight.
Ethan stood up when he saw us. I smiled reassuringly to him. Dallas looked at Ethan curiously, then went forward to give him the truck in his hand. Ethan grinned ear to ear and took it. “Thank you. I’m uh…” He looked at me to answer for him but I had nothing.
I panicked and blurted out, “Uncle!”. He nodded, his jaw tightening as he focused back on his son.
“I’m Uncle Ethan. What is your name?” Dallas stood up straight and put his hands behind his back as I taught him.
“Dallas Edgar Thomas. It’s nice to meet you.” He recited and then extended his hand. Ethan stared at it. He took it and shook it gently. He didn’t say anything else, but Dallas ran to grab more cars.
There was movement on the stairs. We turned to see little Jimmy coming down holding a book. Ethan didn’t take his eyes off her. It was a mix of shock and awe. My eyes started to water. I went to her and took her hand, helping her the rest of the way down. Ethan stood back up, Dallas stared at him from the floor, curious.
“Jimmy! Uncle Ethan is here. Come play,” he shouted. She glared at him. Jimmy always took longer to wake up. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. She moved to where Ethan was and handed him the book. He took it and kneeled down to see her better. She sighed.
“Can you read this to me?” She asked. He smiled so wide I thought it would permanently stick. She climbed onto his lap and he read her the story of the rain babies. Her favorite book.
She fell back asleep before the book was over. The sound of the snow and wind outside must have been soothing for her. He looked content watching Dallas play on the floor. I sat down in the recliner watching them. I smiled at my daughter. She was always so comfortable with new people. She didn’t care who you were, just as long as you did as she wanted you to.
It was an odd feeling, but this felt right. Chris made things uncomfortable when he was home. He was always angry or depressed. The kids were always so much worse when he was around. Like they had some kind of extra sense. They knew that our relationship was strained. Sometimes they even seemed to forget about him when he was gone. He could never just spend time with them, with us. Ethan on the other hand looked content. I wondered about his own family. What was it like for him growing up with a twin? Why didn’t he tell me? The thought actually hurt my feelings a bit.
Ethan adjusted her and turned to look at me. “What is her name?” He whispered, and I smiled. This could go either way. The only ones who liked her name was Adrian and her grandmother, Clara Sue.
“Jimmy Paige.” He smiled softly and squeezed her a bit tighter.
“I like it. Jimmy and Dallas. Who came first?”
“Dallas, seven minutes.” He looked down on the floor where my son, our son, was laying down, starting to nod off. It grew quiet in the house with only the wind to tell me I hadn’t gone deaf.
“I want to be here. Involved. Somehow. Is that possible?” He looked at me, desperate. I was hesitant. The twins deserved to know their father, and Ethan had a right to know them as well. But would Chris connect the dots if he saw him coming around? Honestly, he was so self-centered there was a good chance he wouldn’t. He hadn’t figured it out yet. His ego was too big. No one would ever dare choose another man when they had Christopher Thomas as an option.
Reluctantly I said, “We’ll see.” He nodded understanding my hesitance. He mumbled a bit, looking at his sleeping daughter. He ran his empty hand through her thick raven hair.
“I can do this. I can do this right?”
He was talking to himself more than to me. Like he was trying to convince himself that he was strong enough to handle all this new stuff. One moment he was just a guy trying to right some wrongs and the next he was a father of two. He chuckled.
“I never thought… my brother died before he had any. It’s weird. I always thought it would end with me,” he told me. I nodded, it was weird thinking about the past. Who knew this is where I’d be at 26?
“Why did he…” I started, but quickly shut my mouth. I realized that Ethan not only never told me he was a twin, he never said really anything about him at all. Instant regret filled me. That wasn’t something you asked someone.
He looked away from Dallas and gave me an odd look. Maybe remembering an old conversation or something about his brother. “My mother told him he was dead to her if he was going to keep being who he was. So he decided to make it come true.”
I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. We sat, watching the twins sleep, not saying anything else. We didn’t need to.
* * *
Once the shock started to wear off I asked Ethan why he had showed up on my doorstep in the first place today. I told him rather rudely, to go away last night. He looked at me oddly and then laughed.
“Adrian came home and said that you had some things of mine. That I should come over. I thought you knew, he told me you said it was alright. I was going to try to ask you out again.” I shook my head. Of course, it was Adrian.
It was evening now. The twins were playing with Jimmy’s play kitchen while I was in the real one getting dinner around. Ethan sat at the table watching me. “Is he a good dad?” He asked suddenly. I kept my back turned, afraid of what my face would reveal.
“He is when he wants to be. He likes to think that presents solve everything,” I sighed.
“I always hated my stepdad. Mom said once that she thought my real dad would have been a shitty one. Maybe I was better off,” he revealed. It was odd hearing Ethan talk about his family. In all the time we had spent together, he had only briefly mentioned them. I wanted to keep him talking.
“Where do they live?” He stared at me with a blank expression.
“My mom and Bob still live in Lansing. He’s a…”
We stopped talking when we heard the front door open and close. Panic shot through me. Was Chris here? Ethan looked at me and I shook my head. Neither of us moved. We heard footsteps, then suddenly Adrian popped his head in from the living room. I let out t
he breath I had been holding. He was grinning and carrying a large brown bag.
“Hey! I brought ice cream!” He said brightly. Ethan and I both glared at him.
“I can’t believe you,” I told him as he came in, setting the bag on the table.
“Yeah, I know. I thought I’d pop over and make sure no one had killed the other.” The mood in the room switched from anger to excitement when Jimmy walked in and saw Adrian. She screamed and ran to him. I saw Ethan frown. Dallas came in slower and instead of running to Adrian, he chose to climb onto Ethan’s lap.
Ethan smiled and ruffled the little boy’s hair. Dallas touched his arms, looking at his tattoos. He was always so curious.
“Uncle Adrian has ice cream Dallas!” Jimmy screamed. Dallas perked up but Adrian told them they had to wait until after dinner. He squirmed out of Ethan’s lap and asked him to come play. Jimmy moved away from Adrian to join her brother. Ethan’s eyes lit up and let them lead him out into the living room.
“You can wash dishes,” Jimmy told him as they left. She had a way of making anyone she met want to move the earth for her. I know she was my daughter, so I was a little biased, but she really was a beautiful, stunning little girl.
Her eyes were so blue, like the sky on a cold winter’s day. They contrasted so harshly against her jet black hair and fair skin. Her brother had the exact same features. It was no real surprise Ethan realized the truth within a few moments of looking at them. They were the spitting image of him; except for one small detail. While Ethan’s hair was straight, mine and the twins had natural soft curls. Everyone always complimented on how beautiful they were, and it was true.
I peaked at them from the other room. When Ethan came and sat down with her she quickly changed her tone of voice. When asking for help, originally she asked very politely. Now she demanded Ethan get started on the dishes while she cooked dinner. “Aye, Aye, Captain,” he told her and went to work in the small sink. I turned back to Adrian, who was opening a bottle of beer.
“What is your problem?” I stormed over to him and grabbed the bottle. He protested.
“What? The Ethan thing? Come on, it’s not like you could have kept it a secret forever.”
“Adrian, that’s not the point. You shouldn’t have meddled. Chris is their dad,” I reminded him. He rolled his eyes.
“Is he? It’s after five, where is he? If the twins really mattered to him, he’d be here.”
“Stop. I’m not talking about this tonight,” I finished and left the kitchen. Dallas was pulling on Ethan’s arm.
“Come play cars,” he said. Ethan stood up to go but Jimmy threw her arms over him.
“No Dallas, he’s eating!” She cried. Ethan jumped a little, startled by the volume that came out of her little body.
“Eating is boring. Kitchen is boring, Jimmy! I want to play cars!” He matched her shrill voice with his own. Ethan looked up at me with wide eyes. Shock on his face. I tried hard not to laugh. This was my life. Everyday.
I stepped in to explain to Jimmy that they had to take turns. She crossed her arms but stalked over to the cars and picked one out to play with. Ethan gave me a grateful smile. I winked at him.
After a while they grew bored of playing with him and decided they wanted to play alone. He went back into the kitchen with Adrian and I. We chatted at the table, although now it felt awkward. When Adrian’s phone rang, he excused himself. I felt myself relax.
Ethan wanted to know everything about the twins. Everything they liked, they hated. What mannerisms they picked up, what weird twin things they did. I was mildly annoyed by the amount of questions but, considering I had kept their existence from him for five years it was the least I could do. When dinner was done I brought the kids to the table and began serving. Adrian was still in my studio on the phone.
“So, do you think he’s ever thought about it? I mean, I realized it right away,” he asked as he helped me feed the twins. I fed Jimmy while Ethan fought with Dallas over the food. The twins were oblivious to us. They were arguing about who was the better Batman.
“I’m Batman, Dallas! ME! You’re Robin!” She told him. He smacked her hand and told her that no, he was in fact Batman. Moving their seats further apart, I turned back to Ethan and rolled my eyes.
“No, not ever. He’s too cocky. Why would I look somewhere else when I have such a gem at home.” He smirked, but said nothing. When Adrian came back from his phone call the conversation turned lighter. We laughed and talked about our old touring days. I think it was the first pleasant meal ever served in this house.
After dinner I started getting the kids ready for bed. Ethan followed me around, watching me. We went through our nightly routine of baths, pajamas, stories and then finally, sleep. He helped wherever he could.
Once they were in bed, I went back downstairs to where Adrian and Ethan were sitting. Adrian had turned the TV on, they were watching a movie. Ethan stood up as I entered the room and smiled nervously, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
“I think I'm going to head out,” he said, his voice hesitant. I wanted to say something, but with Adrian five feet away it was hard to talk. He pulled out his car keys and I walked outside with him. I saw Adrian raise his eyebrows suggestively before I closed it.
“Thanks for letting me stay today,” he said.
“Yeah, sure. Look I don’t know how to say…” He put his hand up to stop me.
“It can’t be changed. I understand, kind of. I wasn’t in a good place. But I’m sober now and I can’t go back. I can’t pretend they don’t exist.” I gulped, nodding. He stepped off the porch and turned back to smile at me. “So I will see you in the morning,” he said, leaving before I could argue.
Adrian stayed over again. Claiming he wanted to give Ethan space to process everything, but I felt like he was hiding something. I didn’t have the energy to argue, so we watched movies until we fell asleep on the couch together.
I awoke to Adrian already gone and the twins coming down the stairs. I went straight to the kitchen to start the coffee. Just as I was pouring my cup, there was a knock on the door.
The twins ran to the door. I let Jimmy open it. As soon as they saw Ethan carrying donuts they bombarded him. He laughed, handing me the box so he could hug them. I tried not to smile but I couldn’t help it. His smile wasn’t forced like Christopher's always were. He really wanted to be here.
I snuck the box into the kitchen hoping the kids wouldn’t remember he had brought them, which they didn’t. I wasn’t going to deal with that sugar rush this early.
He came into the kitchen after he set them down in the living room. I looked at him and shook my head. Ethan was the poster boy for bad boys. He had his leather jacket on with black, worn doc martin boots. I think he even put some eyeliner on today. He flushed red when I asked about it.
“I feel weird without the eyeliner sometimes. I’m so used to it.” He opened the box and proceeded to shove a donut into his mouth.
“What are you guys doing today?” He asked me with his mouth full. I sipped my coffee and thought about our schedule.
“The twins have music class today. While they are at preschool I have a few errands to run. Their birthday is coming up, so I need to start getting stuff around.” He perked up at music class.
“They are into music? What do they play? Is it serious? How good are they?” He asked eagerly. I smiled, I should have realized he would be pumped for this. Adrian was just as excited when I told him. I took another sip and continued.
“Dallas plays guitar. Jimmy plays the drums, and yes, they are very good. We have instruments here for them. Maybe if you ask they’ll play for you.” He was almost bouncing in excitement.
I followed him as he went to ask. They looked at him like he was crazy. He looked like an excited puppy. Dallas looked at Jimmy and she turned back to him; silently communicating to each other. They did this often. I loved it. It was pretty much the only twin thing they did. Ethan noticed it too, because he stood back up
and his face changed to a more serious one. His smile faded, eyes growing dark.
Jimmy stood up and helped her brother up. “Uncle Ethan, come on!” She took his hand and pulled him forward, down to the basement where my studio was.
“Oh, uh it’s just Ethan, Jimmy,” I told her. She paused, her and Ethan looked up at me. Jimmy’s face showed understanding. Ethan’s showed surprise. I smiled at him and he smiled back weakly. Jimmy pulled on his hand again, ushering him forward.
Dallas and I followed behind. When we stepped inside Jimmy dropped Ethan’s hand and hurried over to her drum set. I had instruments here for when the band came to town, but out of courtesy to the guys I ordered the twins their own.
I had been so excited when they finally came in. I had them customized. Jimmy’s kit was her favorite shade of blue, and Dallas’ guitar was a bright cherry red. Each had their names painted on them. Ethan stood near the door in shock of what he was witnessing. I set Dallas down and he hurried to his guitar. I helped him plug it into his amp. Then I gave him a pick from the little box I had on a table along with his headphones to save his precious little ears. I gave Jimmy hers as well. I was excited and proud to be showing them off. We had been working a lot together.
Drumsticks in hand, Jimmy began doing some practice beats, just trying to get her rhythm down. Dallas did the same, playing a few chords. I glanced at Ethan whose eyes were huge, not taking his eyes off them.
“Mommy are you going to sing?” Dallas asked me. I smiled at him, quickly grabbing my microphone and turning it on. I turned back to Jimmy and gave her my thumbs up. She took her music very seriously, so she didn’t smile back. She did however give me a thumbs up. She remained focused while warming up.
After a few minutes Jimmy called to Dallas. They gave each other another look and then she clicked her sticks together and counted down. They started playing a song I had taught them. Well, Adrian and I. I had to call him to help with the drums. He had also picked up another instrument during our off time.