by Paige, Tylor
“Where are we? What is this?” I asked, turning to face him. He was beaming. His megawatt smile was almost lighting up the dark building.
“This is Evan’s. That’s what I'm calling it. For now, anyways. I’m hoping to come up with a better name,” he said, still remaining coy.
“Did you buy this? How? When? I’m so confused,” I told him and he laughed again. It was refreshing, his laughter. Was this a new Ethan? A sober, actually happy Ethan? He moved closer to me so we could stare up at the building together.
“When we visited my brother, you told me I should do something to keep his memory alive. This is how I'm going to do it,” he explained.
“What are you doing with it now exactly?” I asked as we stared up at the huge building.
“It’s a boarding house for abandoned and disowned teens and young adults. More specifically, for homosexual, transgender, or even just kids in drag. A warm bed, warm meal and help getting on their feet.”
I was in shock. This was amazing. Ethan was amazing. He cared so much about his brother and now he was finally able to channel his pain into something good. I was at a loss for words. Instead I turned and hugged him tightly. He was stiff at first but then accepted it and wrapped his arms around me.
“What do you think?” He asked and I laughed through my tears.
“You are going to help so many people,” I told him and he beamed. His eyes grew a little watery but the tears stayed put.
“I really, really hope so,” he said and we turned our backs on the building to go back to his car.
“So, I’ve got to ask. Where did you get the money for all of this?” I said once we were driving away. He laughed.
“Bob mostly. He regrets what he did to Evan. He wanted to be my first major donor. He also is helping me get it all organized and set up to be a legit charity. That way it will run on sponsors and none of the people we help will ever have to pay to stay here.
Bob gave me quite a bit. It’s guilt money but I don’t care. It’s going to good use. The second donor was Evan,” He paused and then continued.
“Turns out my biological dad’s dad, my grandfather, ran a rather successful construction business. He helped my mom get on her feet when we were first born and as it turns out, left everything to us. He died when we were just kids and my mom never told us.
Since we were underage, she was in charge of the money. She split it down the middle and put them in accounts for us, for when we went to college. Well, Evan didn’t make it to graduation and I left before she could tell me. So, she let it sit and collect interest. Her name was still connected with the accounts. After making sure I was okay with it, we took all the money and added it to Bob’s to start the charity,” he finished. I was once again stunned. This was insane and awesome at the same time.
“I didn’t know your brother, but I think he would have loved that idea,” I told him. He smiled again and when I looked over I saw that a tear had sprung loose and was running down his cheek. He brushed it away.
“Yeah, I think so too.”
The rest of the way back to my apartment he gushed about the details of the house. What he had learned and had been doing all this time. He was almost a different person than the one that left us for rehab only a few months before.
When we got to my place I asked him if he wanted to come in. He hesitated. I smirked and pulled him inside.
“Are the twins here?” He asked immediately. I shook my head and kicked off my boots. Instant relief flooded me. They had been tight on my feet all night.
“No, I hired a sitter for the night. They’ll be back in the morning. Are you ready to see them?” I asked, hesitantly. I didn’t want to pressure him. He looked uncomfortable. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.
“Yeah. I miss them. I really do. I’m sorry I stayed away. I wanted to make sure I was ready to be a good dad before I came back into their lives. You know?” I nodded. Moving to the kitchen I opened a cupboard.
“Want a drink?” I offered and he rolled his eyes. It took me a second before it dawned on me. I felt my face get hot.
“Oh crap. I’m sorry. I totally blanked. How about some water?” I started rambling but he smirked, shrugging his shoulders.
“All good. I’m used to it. Water sounds great,” he said. I got two glasses and went into the living room. I grabbed the remote, turning the stereo on. It played one of mine and Adrian's favorite stations. I turned the volume down so we could still talk. I plopped down onto the couch and pulled my legs up to fit under me. My dress was short but it covered up what it needed to. He stood there awkwardly before he stiffly sat down on the other side of the couch.
I stared at him. He looked uncomfortable in his suit. We glanced at each other and after a moment we both burst into light laughter. “This is weird, right?” I asked and he nodded.
“Yeah a bit. A bit.” He relaxed and turned towards me.
“Tell me about your new life as the divorced rock star mom of twins,” he said and I chuckled.
“Well, you’ve heard the album. Things are pretty good, actually. The twins adjusted pretty fast. They like it here. The guys definitely like having me here. It feels right. I missed making music. I was never meant to be the stepford wife,” I laughed. He smiled and raised his glass.
“Yeah, I never saw it. I didn’t have the heart to tell you before, but your cooking is horrible,” he told me, flinching away when I jokingly punched his shoulder. We joked and laughed some more, rehashing old memories.
“Now that you’re out here for good we can finally start writing that sequel,” he said after a while. I got up to refill our glasses. I offered him coffee. When he accepted I prepared the pot and started brewing some. Turning back to him I shrugged.
“Sure. I don’t really know what we’d write about this time around.” He thought for a minute and then shrugged himself.
“Yeah me either, but I'm sure we’ll figure it out,” he said and silence suddenly surrounded us. The weight of his words hung there. Now that Chris was gone and I was here in Cali we could finally stop hiding everything.
“You know you can start coming around, if you want,” I said rather awkwardly. I turned back towards the coffee still brewing. I knew my face was probably red.
“I’d like that. I really do miss them. I want to be a big part of their lives,” he told me. I nodded. That made me happy. They missed him too.
I heard him stand and turned back to see he had come to the kitchen. He took a few steps towards me. “What about us?” He asked, his voice low. I looked into his eyes. That intense blue I would never get enough of.
“What about us?” I repeated his question back at him. He took a step closer and put his hands around my hips. I gently pushed my body into his. He groaned.
“Cleo, I can’t do it. I can’t keep seeing you with all these other guys. I feel like I keep missing my chance,” he murmured into my hair.
“Here’s your chance,” I groaned, closing my eyes. “Don’t miss it.”
“I wouldn’t dare.”
* * *
Ethan kissed me. It was a gentle, pure, no secrets kiss. This was the first kiss we had ever had that wasn’t dangerous. This kiss couldn’t break someone's heart. It couldn’t ruin a career. We weren’t doing anything wrong with this kiss. Someone could walk in and we didn’t have to move away from each other to hide it. We had never kissed like this before.
He kissed me harder. The first kiss demanded a reply. Then again, another kiss. He kissed me until I kissed him back. One kiss from me and he pulled away, pressing his forehead to mine. I looked up into his eyes but paused at his soft lips. They were turned up into a beautiful, crooked grin.
“This is different,” he chuckled. He felt it too. The freedom.
“Good different or bad different?” I asked, and he smiled.
“Good different,” he said before kissing me again, harder this time. This kiss was demanding. Everything we kept hidden for so long was in this kiss. The sound of co
ffee pouring into the pot stopped. Taking a step away from Ethan and the counter I took his hand and gently pulled him towards my bedroom.
He closed the door softly. There was no one home, but the mood called for quiet. I moved into his arms again and kissed him once more. This had never felt more right. Ethan brushed my hair behind me and touched my neck with his thumb. He rubbed his name and pulled me close again.
Slowly, like we were new to all of this, he took off his jacket. I loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt just a bit. I paused when he grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles. I opened his shirt and leaned forward to place my lips on his exposed skin. He inhaled a sharp breath. His hands were on my hips but steadily moving higher. He reached my breasts. He cupped one and then moved the other hand to my hair.
I let him unzip my dress and it fell to the floor. I watched him as he took his shirt and tie off. He kicked off his shoes, leaving him in just his pants. I was only in bra and panties.
I smiled and pushed him backwards towards my bed. He chuckled and then stopped short as I began kissing his chest and lowering my body as I did so. I undid his pants and slipped them down. He lifted his hand to my face to stop me going any lower. I paused and looked up at him. He smiled down at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. Even in the dark they shone bright. He took the hand off my chin and ever so softly pushed me onto my back.
I fell onto my pillows, my hair covering my eyes and mouth. Ethan crawled over me and pushed the hair away from my face. He kissed me. Just as gently as that first kiss in the kitchen. I kissed him back with as much passion as I could muster. I needed to show him how I truly felt about him. His hands moved slowly from my hips up to my breasts. His mouth moved slowly from my lips down to my neck, down to my collarbone, down to my breasts.
I gasped as he moved the fabric of my bra away to reveal my naked chest. For the first time in my life, I truly felt loved. It wasn’t rushed. We weren’t moving quickly to not be caught. It was pure.
Once my bra was completely gone, Ethan moved lower. Kissing my belly. Reflex made me try to cover my soft stretch marks with my hands, but he pushed them away with his nose.
“I don’t care. I like them,” he told me. I relaxed once more as he kissed them. His hands went to my panties. He pulled them down and I lifted my legs to slip them off. I gasped with surprise when his lips moved between my legs to my most sensitive spot, teasing me. I moaned with pleasure. He chuckled and came back up to kiss my neck and then my lips again. I realized then that somewhere along the way he had removed his boxers.
We made love that night. For the first time, in all the years I had known Ethan, we made love. It felt right. I was used to sex feeling dirty and wrong and for a while that worked for us. For me. I had never experienced anything like what I was feeling right here, right now with Ethan.
He took me into his arms and loved me like I deserved to be loved. I had let every relationship I had ever been in tear me down. I thought no one would want me, but here I was. Being wanted.
He was gentle, and slow. He didn’t push for anything more than I was ready to give him. Finally my body surprised me with a rush of pleasure I hadn’t felt in years. I let out a cry and soon Ethan joined me in ecstasy.
He embraced me afterwards. He was warm and his body felt soft and inviting. I didn’t want to let him go. I fell asleep knowing that I was loved.
I awoke the next morning alone and confused. Sitting up I looked around. His clothes were gone. As were his shoes. It was as if I had dreamed Ethan being here. The only sign that I wasn’t insane was a glass of water on my nightstand paired with two aspirin and a folded piece of paper. I took the pills and opened the note.
Thank you for last night.
I will never forget the way you looked at me like I really mattered.
I’m still broken, I still have feelings I’m unsure of and until I can figure them out I need to take a step back. From US. Not the twins, not you, just US.
I’m sorry. It’s complicated.
Call me,
E
I sat on the bed, staring at his note, trying not to cry. What did this mean? It made no sense. I crumpled the paper up and threw it across the room. I wouldn’t let myself dwell on it. I was done letting a man control any part of me. Even if it was just my thoughts.
Getting out of bed I tossed one of Derek's oversized shirts on along with some underwear and went out for some coffee. I groaned as I realized we had left that full, fresh pot out last night.
“Yeah, I had to clean it out this morning. Thanks,” Adrian said as I walked into the kitchen. He read my mind.
“I would be a lot more pissed if I hadn’t walked in as Ethan was sneaking out.” My head whipped up from the coffee pot I was staring too hard at.
“What time was that?” I asked and he shrugged.
“About six,” he replied. I looked at the digital numbers on the machine. It was ten.
“How are you awake right now?” I asked incredulously, turning around to talk to him. He shook his head and smirked.
“No, you are not asking the questions this morning. It’s my turn.” I groaned but knew that I had it coming. I sat down at the little island we had across from Adrian. He had a smile plastered on his face. It was his “I can’t wait to tell everyone what I know” face.
“So, Ethan came over. Even stayed the night,” he started. I eyed him, not making any sudden movements.
“Yeah, and he left at six am,” I countered back.
Adrian shrugged. “He looked like a deer in headlights when I flicked the light on as he was walking out of your room. Scared the crap out of him.”
“Did he say anything?”
“Just to make you call him. He said he knew you will refuse to, but he really wants to see the kids and to talk to you about some stuff. So call him.” I rolled my eyes.
“You know I hate all of you right.”
Adrian had that grin on again. “Oh we know. Call him.”
“I don’t have his number.”
“It’s in your phone. He programmed it in before he left; and then gave it to me in case you deleted it.” I swore. That was actually exactly what I was going to do.
“Cleo. I don’t know what you guys are fighting about, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about you. Call him. At least for the twins. They miss him. You miss him,” he argued, and he knew he had me.
As much as I didn’t want to see him, the twins deserved to. I glared at Adrian as I left to get showered and start my day.
I waited until the next day to call. I wanted to let him know I was angry, but still reasonable. The phone call was awkward and full of uncomfortable silences. We agreed on him coming over later in the afternoon to see the twins and talk.
The twins were over the moon excited when he walked through the door. Unlike Christopher, Ethan didn’t come bearing gifts of forgiveness. It melted some of my anger towards him.
He embraced them tightly and told them he missed them. They couldn’t stop squealing and talking to him, updating Ethan on everything of importance in their lives.
“I got a new school now, Daddy. My teacher is Miss Emily,” Jimmy told him.
“We live with Uncle Adrian now. He’s so funny,” Dallas told him. Ethan smiled and looked up at me. His eyes told me that he had forgotten how overwhelming they could be sometimes.
“That’s awesome guys. What are your plans for today? Can I join you?” He asked Jimmy. She shrugged, irritated that he interrupted her.
“Sure. When mommy goes to work, we go with Aunt Renee. Sometimes she takes us to the park.”
“Mommy, can we go to the park?” Dallas asked, his eyes hopeful. I laughed at their excitement.
“Sure. Let’s get our shoes on and we’ll walk.”
We got to the park and Ethan ran around with them while I sat on the bench watching. I thought about joining them but felt like Ethan really needed this time with them.
After about half an hour of running Ethan was huffing
and struggling to catch his breath. He said something to them and they went off to keep playing while he came to sit with me.
He plopped down beside me to steady his breathing. Once he was okay he gave me a halfhearted grin.
“Picking up smoking at 16 was a genius idea,” he said sarcastically. I smiled but didn’t reply. I was still confused and hurt. “Can we talk?” He asked and I looked away from the kids for a moment.
“About what?” I asked him, knowing exactly what he wanted to talk about. He sighed deeply.
“Look, I’m just unsure of a lot of things right now. Until I figure it all out can we still be friends?” He asked me. It hurt, hearing those words. Like a punch to the gut. After the wonderfully tender night we had, he wanted to be friends.
“Sure. I get it. I just want you to be here for the twins. They love you,” I told him. Trying not to let my voice reveal my pain. I didn’t want to ruin his relationship with them over his relationship with me. He sighed with relief and smiled back at me.
“I love them too. I really do, Cleo. They are so awesome. I don’t want to miss any more of their lives. I want to have visitations. I’ll make the time. A few times a week, the weekends. Whatever you’re okay with.”
“I’m sure we can work something out. Probably no overnights until I get back from the tour,, but you can definitely see them as much as you want. While I’m gone you’ll have to get with Renee and figure out some sort of schedule that will work for you guys,” I told him and he gave me a confused look.
“You’re going on tour? When?” He looked upset. His face contorted to confusion and then irritation.
“In about two months. After the new year. We’re top billed. No fighting this time,” I joked. His face still showed surprise.
“What? I got it figured out. The twins are staying with Mark’s wife Renee and will come see us when they can. It’s really no big deal.” He seemed to relax, but barely.
“It was hell, leaving them with you in Michigan when I flew back here. And I had only known them a short time. I can only imagine how hard it will be for you,” he finally said. I nodded, looking back to them. We were the only ones at the park today. It was nice.