“What? What am I to him?”
“A submissive.”
I remain completely stunned. What?
“I know about his secret room,” he adds.
“Good for you, I’ve never set foot in there,” I respond, heading toward the living room.
He stands in front of my way and his fingers brush the skin of my arm.
“You’re quite pretty, you know. Even if you seem a little timid, Liam must have tamed you by now.”
“Excuse me?” I outrage.
“Don’t take it like that, it’s just that you don’t seem like the kind of girl”
“This is really none of your business!” I interrupt him.
This time I’m pissed and my voice carries further than I wanted. He’s talking about S&M? That is nothing close to what Liam and I have.
“Calm down, I was just…”
“Is everything okay?”
I turn to see Liam walking through the door with a quick pace, and I let out a sigh of relief. I nod.
“We were just talking,” Jay says. “Carly, excuse me if I offended you. I thought… well I guess I was wrong,” he reconsiders before completing his sentence.
I follow Liam who gives an uncertain look to his friend. I almost wonder if I can believe his apology. It sounded sincere, but it was also given in front of Liam. Does he really think I am the kind of girl that would do that sort of thing with Liam?
I snuggle against Liam as soon as we settle into the back of his car. I’m exhausted, and I yawn before closing my eyes. Liam’s fingers slide into my hair. I’m about to fall asleep when Jay’s words come back to mind; I know about his secret room. It confirms what I have been afraid of for a while now.
I hesitate talking to Liam about it. What if he wanted me to try it? Am I ready? I still don’t know. On the other hand, if I choose not to try it, it’s probably better that we talk about it now. I sit up slowly.
“Liam?”
“Mmm.”
“What’s a submissive?”
“What?”
He turns to me abruptly with a mortified look on his face.
“Why do you want to know?”
“Jay said that I was your submissive. I want to understand, that’s all.”
“What? No!”
He’s furious. He runs a hand through his hair, fingers clenched and jaw tensed. He briefly looks away, trying to stay calm and takes my shoulders between his hands.
“Carly, you’re not and you’ll never be a submissive!”
“But what does it mean exactly?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
He sighs.
“I don’t want to lose you, Carly.”
“And you think you would lose me over this? Is it so terrible?”
He pinches the bridge of his nose.
“It’s not what I am anymore, that’s all. Not with you. Don’t push it, please. We’re fine as we are. Why ruin it?”
I look down, trying to understand. He tells me it’s not what he is anymore and that he doesn’t do it anymore. I think I can trust him, otherwise he would have wanted to do it with me. I snuggle back into his arms, trying to forget my worries.
We arrive at his apartment and as I go up the stairs, my eyes won’t leave that door in the hallway.
“Liam, I need to know.”
I stop in front of the room and Liam turns with a sigh. I won’t give up this time.
“Why? You won’t be able to stand it.”
“I already know what’s inside, I’m not stupid. I guessed it. But I want to see and know exactly what it means.”
He looks down to think for a moment, and then gently takes my hand in his, drawing me towards him while pressing his forehead against mine.
“You’re so sweet, Carly! I don’t want you to see this.”
He tries to drag me to his bedroom, but I stare at him straight in the eyes and refuse to move. His jaw flexes and his eyes darken, and he blows out a furious breath through his nose.
The next second, he pins me against the wall on my left, expertly trapping my wrists above my head with one hand. I’m surprised and struggle against the tremors of my body. I refuse to prove him right. I don’t want him to think it’s too much for me, or that I’m afraid. I hold his threatening glare. I don’t even recognize the man I fell in love with. He’s completely different. Dangerously different.
“You think you can handle it?” he scolds between his teeth, his hoarse voice vibrating in his throat. “You’re wrong! I will never take you into that room, you hear me? Never!”
His words are rough and demanding, so I don’t dare challenge him. I’d be scared if I wasn’t positive he would never hurt me. But now, it’s too late. If I want to invest myself in this relationship, I have to know what I’m getting myself into. I don’t know what to say to convince him, so I say nothing. I push myself to my feet, struggling against his grip that tries to immobilizes me against the wall, and I press my lips against his.
A moan comes out of his mouth while he kisses me back, letting his tongue sensually slide on mine. I feel his desire culminating in him. For the first time, his passion seems to take control over him, and I may have a chance to make him give in.
The palm of his left hand goes up along my waist and it literally burns my body. A new groan rumbles through his teeth and his eyes sink into my chest. His fingers glide up behind my neck and firmly grabs it, and he kisses me even more wildly.
“You want dark? Fine!” he finally growls. “I’ll give you dark!”
I feel him both angry and excited, and I’m suddenly afraid. I love him so much! I’m afraid to find out that he’s right; that what’s behind this door is too much for me to take.
He pulls a key from his ring and pushes it into the lock. My heart races. I feel like I’m about to enter into the beast’s castle. Behind these walls lies an enchanted rose; a treasure that he keeps secret, away from prying eyes it keeps him alive and it can also kill him. He loves it as much as he hates it, and he needs it.
He finally pushes the door and flips on the switch. Electric candles light up on the walls. I freeze in the doorway and I swallow. It’s worse than I thought! I expected some whips and wooden pallets, but the first thing that strikes me is a row of swords stacked on a rack. I approach slowly and see they are real. They are not just decoration or a toy made for playing pretend their blades are sharp, thin and long.
There is also a cross with cuffs on each end, a huge metal wheel to attach someone to and turn them upside down, and they can either be placed on their back or faced towards the floor. Rings hang from the ceiling, and there is a range of tools all the more twisted than others.
I sit on a leather bench to absorb everything I can see in here. It’s a very different world that I have never set foot in. I thought I could accept it, but now that I’ve been placed before all this, I’m not so sure. Liam stands, waiting for my response. He’s so handsome! His face is tortured by the anxiety that overwhelms him right now. I don’t see in him as someone able to do these things. The man I met is tender and gentle and kind; he has nothing to do with this.
“Who are you?” I ask.
“The same. Like I said, this is what I was before I met you.”
“Why? What made you change?”
“You.”
“Me!”
He shrugs, twisting his mouth.
“You were so sweet and so innocent! I couldn’t. I knew you would never do it, and that you would never accept this part of me.”
“Then why did you pursue me?”
“Because I couldn’t help it. The first time I saw you, I knew you were special. And then I started to think about you all day and all night. Not being with you was really painful. I struggled for a week, but you were everywhere. I heard and read your name on everything that was put before me. I felt like I was going crazy.”
I sigh. Yes, I remember. He was cruelly haunting my thoughts, too.
He nods in response.
“You would have wanted to do this with me?”
“I don’t need it with you.”
“Why?”
He smiles. This time I recognize the man I fell in love with.
“Don’t you think that sex is already pretty intense between us?”
I smile back and look down as I nod. Yes, I think so. But maybe what’s intense for me is nothing for him?
“You fulfill me in every possible way, Carly. I’m being honest when I tell you that I don’t need this stuff with you.”
“What did you love about it? I mean, why do you like it?”
He shrugs and thinks for a moment.
“I don’t know. It’s a little extra. It’s very exciting, that’s all.”
“It is?”
I can’t see what he can find exciting in this. I look around me and I think it’s twisted and unhealthy. He can only be sick to love this stuff!
“Explain it to me,” I ask him. “I wanna know how you got here, and why?”
He takes a deep breath and sighs. Then he advances toward me, sits down and begins to tell me.
“I was eighteen years old when I started. I had all the girls I could ever want, but they were all the same. I think I was beginning to find sex a little boring, until one of the women I met offered me to cuff her to her bed. Things slowly started to change and I wanted to know more and do more. I did my research and I met people who taught me what they knew. Then, it was only this stuff that turned me on.”
“Why?”
He thinks about his answer for a moment.
“It can’t be explained, Carly. You have to experience it to understand.”
“I don’t know if I can. I don’t like pain and I hardly see how that could change. Can I tolerate it? Yes. But love it? No.”
“Trust me when I tell you that there is some form of pleasure in pain. The principle is to never exceed the limits of the other.”
“What if my limit isn’t far enough for you?”
He stretches his arm behind him to reach a cabinet. Inside, I see small chains, clamps, brushes, vibrators and butt plugs. I swallow.
His fingers gently pick up my hand to pinch the index finger with clamps. It doesn’t hurt at all. In fact, it’s not even a painful sensation, it’s more…exciting. I almost feel something stir in my lower abdomen, and I don’t understand why. I stare at my finger, trying to understand it, but really it’s just unexplainable.
“And this stuff goes on the fingers?”
He chuckles.
“No.”
He holds out his hand to me, sliding his palm on my right breast and hugs all my curves. His thumb lowers my dress to expose my nipple which hardens on contact with air. The beating of my heart accelerates. Perhaps it’s the effect of this room, or the fear of what he might do to me, or a mix of both? The tip of his thumb gently rolls over my nipple and my lower abdomen liquefies almost instantly. His hand massages my whole breast and he leans to kiss me.
I let him push me on my back. He doesn’t let me lie down but keeps me in his arms so that I remain dependent on him to get up or to avoid falling. His index finger and thumb close over my nipple in a pinching motion. The gesture takes me by surprise and my mouth tears away from his to cry. My fingers clench on his shoulders while my body is victim of an unprecedented thrill. My hips sway forwards as if to relieve a tension that was building up.
“Does it hurt?” he inquires softly.
I shake my head. No. Not at all. It was very nice, actually. I think he could almost make me come just like that.
“It would never be stronger than that, unless you ask. I can make you discover unthinkable pleasures if you let me. Your limits will be my limits and I will accept them.”
I stare at him straight in the eyes for a moment. I’m almost ready to say yes. I love him, and I know he loves me, too. I know he would never hurt me, but I look at this cross, the whips, wooden pallets, swords… How could all of these tools be used without it being painful? The very reason for their existence is inflicting pain on someone. Should I be more concerned of the fact that he inflicts pain, or the fact that he likes to do it?
Following my gaze, Liam immediately understands my worries over the swords. He gets up and grabs one. I completely stop breathing and my body becomes paralyzed.
“Close your eyes,” he orders before turning to me.
“Why?”
“If you were my submissive, then right now I would have to punish you for having questioned an order.”
My fists are clenched on the bench and I tremble. The mere fact that he tells me about punishment while holding a sword terrifies me. I’m not sure I know him that great after all. My throat tightens.
“Close your eyes, Carly,” he repeats.
I swallow, take in a deep breath, and close my eyes so hard that I see red dots in my eyelids. I hear Liam approaching. A metal edge, cold and sharp, touches the line of my jaw.
“Don’t move,” he commands.
There’s no chance! He gently brings the blade to my mouth.
“Are you scared?” he asks.
“Yes,” I reply trembling, trying to keep my lips away from the blade.
“What do you think I’ll do to you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think I might hurt you?”
“Would you?”
His hand slides over my shoulder to reach my right bared breast. Immediately, an intense shock electrifies my body. The caress of his hand is soft and almost more enjoyable because of the adrenaline that the sword causes in me. I feel like my body belongs to him. I know that I want him and that I need him to touch me, but the situation makes me believe he might be doing it against my will. Why is it so exciting?
He slides the tip of the blade on my ribs that tighten on its path, releasing a new thrill every inch of the way, and then reaches my lower abdomen. I let out a breath of fear as my breathing stops. He’s so delicate that I can only feel a slight pressure on my clothes, and I know he wouldn’t hurt me in any way. He kisses my neck.
“You’re mine,” he whispers in my ear.
There’s a little something more in his tone of voice. A command, a threat, a passion stronger than anything. This stuff excites him a lot.
He drops the sword on the ground and sits behind me. His left hand holds me against him while his right hand slides under my skirt. His fingers part my labia and the cool breeze of the room tears a groan out of me. I realize now I’m already wet. My mind thought I was scared while my body was more turned on than ever.
“Mmm,” breathes Liam discovering my wetness.
I melt into the man’s arms and feel more secure than ever.
“You want me to make you come?”
I nod.
“Ask for it.”
“Make me come.”
I give in so easily that I’m surprised at myself. Suddenly, a slap stings my sex and takes me by surprise, resulting in an unexpected spurt that flows from me. Yes, it pinched, but it felt so good and it’s totally puzzling. I frown, watching his hand resume gentle caresses between my legs, and try to find a logical explanation.
“Don’t try to understand,” he whispers in my ear. “It’s unexplainable. The faster you let go, the easier you’ll be able to enjoy it.”
I turn to him for a kiss. His tongue tangles with mine and the warmth of his mouth and tenderness of his lips is all I want right now. There’s a certain pleasure in pain, he was right about that. But how? Do I really want to get into all of this? What if I can’t get out? What if, like him, I’d need it to enjoy sex? Is this what I want to become? He spoke of submission and punishment; I’ve seen the good side, but could I accept the dark one?
“Fear is an illusion of your mind,” he says. “If you liberate yourself from it, you’ll discover the pleasures that will lead you to cloud nine.”
“I’ll try,” I prom
ise him.
“Are you serious?”
I nod. “But don’t hurt me, okay?”
“Not a chance,” he swears with a smile, placing a soft kiss on my cheek. “I love you so much!”
“I love you, too!”
He puts me on the bench, climbing over me and kissing me lovingly. Suddenly, my cell phone rings in my purse right next to me. I stretch to get it, but Liam grabs my hand to press it on the couch.
“Don’t answer,” he orders.
“It’s Sean.”
“So?”
“So, it must be important if he’s calling at this time.”
Liam steps back half-heartedly and lets me answer.
“Sean, are you okay?”
“Carly, I’m really sorry to call you so late. I forgot my keys.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I thought I had them, but apparently not. Can you come and open the door? It’s rather cold outside.”
“Yes, fine. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
Liam sighs. I hang up and turn to him with an apologetic expression. He leans in to kiss me again.
“He forgot his keys.”
“Be careful on your way back,” he says.
“You’re not mad at me?”
“No, it’s okay.”
He claims not to be, but his expression tells me otherwise.
“Are you still coming to my parent’s tomorrow?”
“Yes. Can you pick me up at the restaurant?”
“Sure. Good night!”
“Good night! I love you!”
“I love you, too!”
Javen takes me home. It’s not a bad thing because it will give me time to think about all of this with a clear mind.
I climb the stairs to reach the front door of my apartment and freeze. It’s open. Where is Sean? How did he get in without his key and why hasn’t he called to let me know? I should have known that something wasn’t right when I didn’t see him outside of the door, but I just figured someone had let him in while he was waiting for me.
“Sean?” I call pushing open the door.
The condition of the place strikes me immediately. Everything has been turned upside down! A table has been broken, our drawers have been emptied, and our walls have been smashed.
“Sean!”
A Borrowed Life (Carly and Liam #1) Page 27