I’m not getting any older either! I wailed inside my mind. No! We can’t...I can’t. There cannot be another person in my life that I’m going to outlive, to have to watch wither and die. Unable to wiggle free of his grip and run away, I stared down at the counter defeated.
“I know you’re scared, and I think you’d put it off forever if you could, but babe honestly you don’t know what you’re missing. It’ll be fine, it will be better than fine. It will be great. We can do this,” Ben continued.
No I can’t, I really can’t, I thought. “Not now, it’s too soon” is all I could say. Laughing Ben released me and I spun around.
“I thought you’d say that.”
I was puzzled, and I knew he was hiding something.
“Then we agree. Kids yes, but not now,” I pressed, hoping he would cave.
As he cleaned up the mess I had created on the counter he answered. “Kids yes, agreed.”
“But not now,” I said again, just to get my point across.
Ben leaned against the counter and folded his arms across chest. “Then we have a problem.”
“What?” I shouted, dangerously close to losing my cool.
“I kinda took the liberty of getting things started.”
“You what?” I shrieked before pausing to think for a minute. Eyes narrowing I glared at Ben. “What did you do?”
“Just cleaned up a bit, you know, got rid of all the unnecessary contraception lying around.”
“My pills,” I stated. I was vaguely aware of Ben following me as I raced down the hallway to the bathroom. I rummaged around the vanity, and sure enough my birth control pills were gone. I could see the packaging sticking out of the waste bin. I dropped to my knees to dig through the trash. Empty! A three month supply just gone. “Where?” I mumbled as tears ran down my face. Cool blue eyes looked down at me from the doorframe.
“I flushed ‘em.”
“Those were expensive,” I retorted, trying to stay angry. Ben just arched a brow as if to say, seriously like we couldn’t afford to buy more.
“You don’t do change well Gwen, it’s like pulling teeth to get you to try anything new. Sometimes pushing you off the cliff is the only way.” He sighed as he bent down and scooped me up off the floor. “It’s going to be okay,” he continued as he carried me into the bedroom.
That was the day this whole mess started. I could have just secretly replaced my birth control pills but I didn’t. Part of me wanted very much to give Ben what he wanted. The other part was overjoyed every time the pregnancy test came back negative, but the joy was short lived. My shame over being so happy that I wasn’t pregnant fueled tears of guilt which kept me locked in the bathroom for months. What’s even worse was the fact that Ben believed my heartbreak was genuine.
We tried everything to conceive and nothing worked. As a last resort we began seeing Dr. Fernandez, a fertility specialist. When Ben’s swimmers checked out okay the doctor started looking at me. Since then I’ve been subjected to every test in the book and put on a hundred different drugs and hormones. Today was the last straw. Dr. Fernandez told me that nothing was working, I just wasn’t ovulating. He’d been ready to discuss other options when I’d jumped off the exam table, thanked him for his time, and gotten the hell out of there. For me, there were no other options and I was done pretending.
Stepping off the curve without checking behind me, I narrowly avoid being hit by a bike messenger. That was too close, I tell myself as I snap back to reality. I safely jog across the street after taking stock of my surroundings. Rounding the corner of the next block I can make out the marquee for Iced in the distance. Holy shit! How long have I been running? I pause to catch my breath and I realize instantly what a huge mistake that was. The guilt and jubilation that have been hot on my heels since leaving Dr. Fernandez’s office come barreling into me from behind. Flattened by the emotional wave, tears start streaming down my face. How am I going to tell Ben? Shaking from exhaustion I shuffle to the bus stop and plop down on the empty bench. I clutch my knees to my chest and try to hold it together but fail miserably. Fumbling with the zipper on my clutch, it takes me a minute to free my cell phone, and with hands shaking I dial the only person who might understand.
"I'm a terrible person," I sob when she answers.
"Gwen, oh geez, are you crying?" Melanie asks.
"Of course not," I scoff.
"Okay we'll play it your way. What are you not crying about?"
"I can't get pregnant, Mel, and a huge part of me is happy about it, which makes me a terrible person! We've been trying for nearly a year and the doctor says I just won't ovulate so we can't have kids, and all I feel is relieved. I’m so sick of pills, and tests, and sex.”
“Wait! Just hold on a minute, you’re rambling. Gwen, you are not a terrible person. One, not wanting kids isn’t a bad thing. Not everyone does. You put on a brave face but I know you’ve always been on the fence about having your own. Two, it’s perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed during the process, and three, Ben isn’t going to think any less of you.”
“But I told him I wanted a family.”
“And I’m sure you meant it,” Melanie says soothingly. “That doesn’t mean the thought of kids still doesn’t scare the shit out of you. You have nothing to feel bad about.”
“But...” I trail off as I realize Melanie’s right. I’ve tried everything I could to make this happen for Ben, despite my better judgment. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Are we seriously having this conversation?” Melanie asks. “They must have put you on a whopping dose of estrogen. Listen to yourself! You are literally in tears because you think you’re not feeling badly enough over the news you can’t have a baby! Nothing is wrong with you!”
“Hmm, I guess we are having this conversation,” I laugh at myself, and jubilation just won out over guilt thanks to Melanie. “I don’t want to tell Ben.”
“I know but you will.”
“Thanks,” I say with sarcasm slipping into my tone.
“Gwen...I really am sorry.”
“I know.” Sniffing, I end the call and get up off the bench. With the friendly Iced marquee as my guide I hobble the last mile or so to the shop, muscles tensing up from overexertion.
* * *
“What happened to you?” Hal asks as he jumps out from behind the display cabinet when I limp through the door.
“I, uh...” the unintelligible reply slips out. I realize I don’t really know where to begin. Flipping the “closed” sign over the door I accept Hal’s support and he leads me to his desk in the back.
“I’m starving; I ran here.”
“I can see that,” he answers crossly while rummaging around for snacks. “What I want to know is why?” He hands me a granola bar, a multivitamin, and a Coke.
I wrinkle up my nose in disgust. "Is this all we've got?" I ask. I make a mental note to go grocery shopping in the near future.
"Hey don't look at me like that! Most days you'd consider this a well-balanced meal."
Shrugging because I know he's right, I tear open the granola bar.
"I don't know where to begin," I admit as I get back to Hal's original question. Rubbing my cramping calves, I stare at the floor and decide just to dive right in. "I had a doctor's appointment today and he gave me some bad news. I needed to clear my head so I just started running. Before I realized it I was here."
"Gwen, how many times have I told you that you have to be more careful with yourself? A lone Nephilim gallivanting around outside while Himyar is on the loose...it’s suicide. The car is your friend, buildings are your friends. You’ve got to keep yourself out of sight as much as possible.”
"I know, I know," I acknowledge, well aware the reprimand is warranted.
"Now explain to me why you were at the doctor’s office."
"Dr. Fernandez is a fertility specialist. Ben and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year."
Looking up for the first time Hal’s eyes are
soft and his face unreadable. His voice is gentle when he speaks again, his earlier anger at my perceived recklessness gone. "I wish you'd told me."
"Yeah, well there's been nothing to tell. According to the doctor I'll never be able to get pregnant. Not that I wanted to anyway."
"Explain," Hal demands. Some part of my story is clearly not sitting well with him.
"I've failed every test and tried every pill and home remedy in the book. I'm infertile, Hal."
"No. Explain the other part to me. You're clearly upset but yet you claim you didn't want to be pregnant in the first place."
"I can't handle one more person in my life that I'm going to outlive, one more person I’m going to have to lie to." One more person who might come between me and Kade. Keeping the last part to myself, I blink back shameful tears.
"So why didn't you tell Ben you didn't want kids?"
"I don't know, maybe because he wants them desperately and I'm supposed to want them," I say and drop my gaze once more.
"And because you feel ashamed."
"Yes," I whisper as thin streams of grief run down my cheeks. "I was secretly happy every time I failed a pregnancy test."
"Oh Gwen, I wished you'd said something. We could have avoided all of this. You’re not infertile; you're frozen exactly the way you are. You aren’t going to get sick, or fat, or old, or be able to grow a baby.” Snapping his fingers Hal jumps up and asks, “Haven’t you noticed your lack of a menstrual cycle?”
“No, but I had that ablation procedure a while back so I haven’t really had a period in years.”
“Oh.” Hal pauses, stunned. “They can do stuff like that now?” He waves me off before I can answer. “Never mind, I’m getting off topic.” Taking stock of the pitiful picture I must make, Hal starts to speak and then abruptly closes his mouth. Folding his arms over his massive chest he leans against the counter and begins again. “Did I ever tell you about my third wife?”
Wiping my eyes on my shirt sleeve I look at him, perplexed. “No...wait, how many wives have you had?”
“That’s inconsequential,” he answers as he begins his story. “Her name was Anna and she was a vivacious woman. As the youngest daughter of a modestly wealthy French merchant, she was spoiled and never listened to anyone. She was betrothed to be married, which was a contract that displeased her and led to our fortuitous meeting. She was running away when Hashim and I stumbled upon her in the countryside. Assuming we were servants on some errand, she took charge of both of us, demanding we accompany her for her own protection to the coast. Taken with her fearlessness I agreed to go and sent Hashim ahead to complete our current business. Stubborn and unyielding, she was difficult on the best of days, but I loved her untamable spirit. By the time we reached our destination, after a week’s verbal abuse, I had had enough. So the next time she laid into me I shut her up with a kiss. We sailed for England the next day and never looked back.
I owned a large estate just north of London at that time and Anna was the queen of my castle. After a time she began to want a child, as most women her age already had one or two. She was distraught. She kept her depression from me for a time. I was in and out on Wanderer business so much that the signs were easy to miss. Her temperament continued to spiral down. You see, at that time much of a woman’s worth was tied up in her ability to produce heirs. She finally confided in me one evening that something must be wrong with her, and so I did everything in my power to convince her that wasn't the case, that it was my fault. In the end, my words proved ineffective and one evening when I was away she attempted to take her own life."
My gasp pulls Hal back to the present for a second, but just as quickly his eyes glaze over and that faraway look he gets when he's recalling the details of his past creeps over his face.
"She lived, but to prevent her from trying again, I was forced to do something I'd sworn to myself I'd never do."
"What?"
"I used the power at my disposal to make her believe she was happy and children were unimportant."
"Oh, Hal, why are you telling me this?" I ask.
“I’m getting to that,” he says with a wry smile animating his face once more. “Take Rashid. That wannabe player comes in here every afternoon full of swagger. Believe me, he does well with the ladies, but that fool hasn’t spent more than two nights with the same woman in his entire existence. Living a half- life, having to lie to the one you love, isn’t easy. Very few have ever attempted it.”
“You did,” I point out.
“And I’m better off and worse off because of it.” His harsh self-assessment surprises me. “The point is that you made a hard choice. You stayed because you believed it was right, and that’s admirable, and as much as anyone can understand that I do. But there’s no precedence for what you’re going through. We’ll have to take it one day at a time, so cut yourself some slack, okay?”
“Okay,” I nod as the tears start coming full force now.
“Come here,” he says, pulling me into a hug. “I know you love them both,” he whispers. “And that’s okay too.”
I don’t know how long we stand there like that, me reflecting on a life’s worth of choices that have gotten me to this point and Hal lending me his physical support. The slope I am traversing is slippery, and though I may stumble and fall, I will forge ahead knowing there is light in the distance. I’m only a step away.
“Come on, I’ll take you to get your car,” Hal tells me, breaking our connection.
“Thanks,” I laugh. “I don’t fancy running back there right now.” Drying my eyes I follow him out the back of the shop and climb into the cab of his truck. Watching him walk around to his side of the vehicle I thank my lucky stars for the hundredth time he took the job of babysitting me.
* * *
“Do you need me to follow you home?” Hal asks while I’m unlocking the Mini.
“No, I’ll be alright.”
“I know you will. See you tomorrow?” His eyebrows rise inquisitively.
“Yes, I’ll be there.” I smile and sigh as I pull the car door closed. Only one more hurdle and then I can put this day behind me. Driving slower than usual I try to prepare by running through potential conversation scenarios in my head. Unfortunately, my mental game plan goes right out the window the minute I pull into the driveway. Looking up, I mumble a prayer of petition.
“I know the guys don’t sanction these little chats of ours, but I could really use all the help I can get here.” With a nod I stop waffling about what to do or what I’m going to say and accept the fact that I’m going inside to possibly have a long and emotionally charged conversation with Ben. I stride with single-minded purpose up the front steps and into the house thinking let’s get this over with.
Ben is sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me when I step inside the door. Walking cautiously, I try to gauge his mood. He seems at ease, with his shirt draped over a chair. I see no tension through his shoulders or across his bronzed chest. My breath catches and my heart skips a beat when his wintery blue eyes look up and capture mine. Frost...his gaze is thick with it. Like a deer in the head lights I stand frozen, paralyzed by the anger and the anguish in his stare.
"I can't get pregnant," I manage to eke out, my voice hoarse from crying.
He clears his throat before saying, "I know." His frigid gaze starts melting slightly and utterly confused, I just stare at him.
"The doctor called. He was worried about you." For some reason my brain can't make the connection to what's been said, so I just stand there like a mannequin. "They tend to get that way when you run out on them."
"So he called you," I say as my voice rises defensively.
"Come on Gwen, I'm your emergency contact, and you ran out on the guy. What was he supposed to do?"
He was supposed to keep his nose out of it, I think. A light bulb goes off in my head, and reaching for my phone I scroll through the call history. "You didn't call me?”
"Ha! I could say the same thing ab
out you," he answers back. Agitated, he jumps up from the table. "I was giving you some space. Dr. Fernandez said you were overwhelmed when you left."
"But I've been gone all day, weren't you worried?"
"Unbelievable." He just shakes his head. "Look at me, I'm a wreck." He's right; I can feel the sorrow and frustration coming off him in waves. "When I didn't hear from you I called Hal, and he texted me when you showed up at the shop so I knew you were safe."
"Did you tell him?!" I holler.
"Of course, you were missing!" he yells. "Didn't you tell him?"
"Yes!" I bark. Hal! That bastard, he knew what was going on way before I showed up and he never said a thing.
"And why is that exactly?"
"Huh?" I ask. I’m distracted from my plans to deck Hal the next time I see him.
"It is possible to talk to me, you know!"
An unintentional "what?" slips out about the time I realize what we're really fighting about.
"Seriously! You didn't run home to me Gwen, you ran to work." The unspoken words “you ran to Hal” hang in the air between us.
"Are you jealous of Hal?" I question.
Pacing back and forth he looks up and states, "don't be ridiculous, that's not what I'm saying."
"Then what are you saying?"
Stopping in front of me he reaches out, hands shaking with intensity. "Talk to me! I'm your husband," he pleads.
My feet remain glued to the floor and the tears just start flowing. I've cried more today than I have in the last five years, possibly ever. It's ridiculous-I'm becoming such a girl. Standing there, I hold my tongue for once in my life instead of screaming I can't talk to you, I can't tell you who I am or what the Wanderers are and don't even get me started about the Sylph. I can't explain to you that I'm still going to be standing here when you're nothing but ash, that I'll have to watch you die, that it's my fault we won't ever have children, my fault that you're sad right now.
Trembling, I simply say, "I can't make a baby, I'm broken." It's all I can admit to right now.
"You are not broken," he corrects, pulling me against his chest and tucking me under his chin. Whatever else I might have said melts on my tongue and I cry even harder when I feel the first of many water droplets begin to dampen my hair.
A Step Away (The Wanderer Book 2) Page 6