“Claire, I promise, I was only thinking of you. I had no idea the potion would hurt you,” he said. “Zarafen said it would only make you forget Uriah. She said you would be fine!”
His hand reached toward me, but I slapped it away. “You’re a liar, Dad. Why would you think taking Uriah away from me would help me? You didn’t want me to be with him because it would mess up your plan to marry me off to some rich guy who would better your business prospects,” I said. “You have never cared about me. You don’t even love me.”
Letting his hand fall back to his side, my dad stared at me. “Of course I love you, Claire. How can you say that I don’t?”
“You’re serious?” I asked. I shook my head in wonder at what he was saying. “When was the last time you told me you loved me?”
His eyes lowered as he searched his memories. “I’m sure I’ve told you that I loved you recently. I tell you all the time.”
“I can’t think of a single time that you’ve ever told me you loved me, Dad. Not once.” He shook his head, denying my words. “Never,” I said. “Sure, you tell me how beautiful you think I am, how my beauty will win me a rich husband, how my looks will bring honor to our family name, but never that you actually loved me, your own daughter.”
“But, I do, Claire. I do love you. I always have,” he said.
“Then why did you do this to me?” Tears were rolling down my cheeks, but I made no move to wipe them away. I needed an answer.
“I couldn’t let you marry him, Claire, I couldn’t,” he said. He lifted his chin in defiance.
“Why do you hate him so much?” I asked. I had my theories, but now I wanted the truth, once and for all.
“I don’t hate him. Uriah is a good kid, one of the best young men I’ve ever met,” my dad said. Looking away from me, my dad scrubbed at his forehead wearily with one hand.
“What?” The word barely made it past my shock.
“I don’t have anything against him, honestly, but I couldn’t let you marry him,” he said. “He was pulling you into his life and I couldn’t let that happen, Claire. He would only bring you pain. You don’t deserve that. You are my daughter. I had to protect you!”
His words had come out in a rush, and I was still struggling to comprehend everything he had said. “Protect me from what? I love him, Dad. Uriah is the only thing that has ever made me truly happy. Taking him away from me is what will hurt me. Don’t you understand that? And he will make a wonderful husband and father. You can’t think you’re protecting me from him.”
“I’m sure he will be a great companion for someone, but you can’t stay with him. You aren’t meant to be a part of his life! And I know you love him, Claire. The first day I saw you together in the kitchen I saw it in your eyes that you already loved him. You love him more than I have ever seen someone love another person. That’s the problem. Don’t you understand?” he asked. He was pleading with me to see his point of view, but I felt like I had just fallen into Alice’s rabbit hole.
“What are you talking about?”
“If you love him, you’ll follow him.”
“Follow him where?” I asked.
“To places you shouldn’t.” He shook his head in frustration. “Why do you think I married your mother? I left the pueblo and married an outsider so this would never happen! It shouldn’t have happened. You’re not even full Tewa. You should have been protected.”
His rambling only confused me more, but one thought sank into my chest like a knife. “You only married Mom because you thought you had to? Did you love her at all?”
My father’s expression crumbled. “When I met your mother, I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. I couldn’t believe it when she agreed to go out with me. I proposed two months later and we were married within weeks,” he babbled. “Yes, I love her, but even if I hadn’t fallen in love, I would have found an outsider to marry. I was so sure it would keep this from happening.”
“What are you talking about? What did you think was going to happen, that I’d marry a rancher and be happy? Was that what you had to protect me from?” I demanded.
“I was protecting you from things you will never understand,” he said. Folding his arms across his chest, he took a defensive stance.
The slap resounded loudly in the small room. My dad’s eyes were wide with shock. His hand reached up to feel his stinging cheek. I stared at my own hand, surprised that I had struck him. The surprise didn’t last long.
“You almost killed me for something you won’t even bother to explain,” I hissed. “My whole life you have treated me like a piece of merchandise to trade. I finally find some happiness in my life and you want to take it away because you think I’m too stupid to understand your secrets?”
“I don’t think you’re stupid, Claire,” he said. “I just know more about this than you do. Trust me when I say that Uriah is not the right man for you.”
“I don’t trust you, and I won’t turn my back on Uriah. You have no right to ask me to do that.” I didn’t care what knowledge and power he thought he had. I had never been one to bow down to his supposed greatness, and I wasn’t going to start now. I turned away from him, but he grabbed my arm and held me in place.
“Please, Claire, I’m begging you. Stay here. Don’t go back to Uriah’s house.”
“Tell me why,” I said. “The only hope you have of making me understand is to tell why you would risk my life to stop me from marrying Uriah. You should know by now I won’t do it just because you tell me I should. Explain, or I’m leaving.”
“I can’t,” he said, falling down to his knees. Any traces of arrogance or pride were gone. He was on his knees, begging me to give up the man I loved more than anything without an explanation. Tears slipped down his dark skin. “I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to see you happy and safe, sitsi.”
Sitsi. Daughter.
“Don’t ever call me that again,” I said angrily. “If I was truly your daughter you would have treated me like one. You had no right to do what you did. Obviously whatever made you think you had to marry an outsider didn’t pan out, because I still fell in love with Uriah anyway. I have no idea why that’s so wrong, but doesn’t that prove to you that maybe you don’t know everything? You can’t force me into a life I don’t want. I will choose my future, nobody else.”
Stepping away from him, I started piling the items I had collected into the extra bag. My father got up, rushing to my side. His hands tried to take mine, but I refused his touch. He was begging me to listen, to stay with him still. Unable to bear his pleading a moment longer, I pushed him away and met his eyes one last time.
“Stay away from me. I will wait for Uriah, and wherever his path leads him, I’ll follow. I’ll stay by his side no matter what. Unlike you, Uriah has never given me any reason to doubt his love. I trust him with my life, Dad, way more than I would ever trust you,” I snap. “Uriah is the kindest, most caring and loving person I have ever met. He treats me like a queen, even though I’m far from it. Look at what he’s been willing to do to save me, what he’s still doing to rescue me. He’s a thousand times the man you are.”
I start to turn away, but pause, having one more thing to say to him. “It makes no difference what you think you know, Dad. Even if you told me Uriah was going to be bombarded by a horde of zombies, or turned into one of the dark gods with no hope of ever doing a kind deed again, I still wouldn’t abandon him. I will face whatever you think is coming for him head on, without fear. You pretend to be so strong and powerful, but you aren’t. You’re scared, Dad, scared of losing, of being tested and finding out you aren’t who you think you are. I’m not like you. I’m not scared.”
My words struck my dad. Stumbling back a step he seemed to shrink before me. He knew I was right. He had tried to find a way around whatever he thought surrounded Uriah. That failed, so he tried again to swindle the gods. How would my life, Uriah’s life, have been different if he had just stood up and faced the secrets he
refused to share with me from the beginning? I didn’t know what had him so scared, but I could see he was terrified I would walk away from him. Perhaps he really did love me in some way. If he didn’t care, like I always believed he didn’t, he would let me go without a backward glance. The realization softened my voice. “I can’t stay here anymore, Dad. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but if I ever do come back, it will be with Uriah. I won’t lose him.”
His head drooped at the finality in my voice.
“I wish you would tell me what you know. If you really wanted to protect me, you would tell me.” I waited, hoping he would come through for me this one time.
The slow shake of his head saddened me. “I can’t, Claire. I just can’t.”
“Fine.”
Shouldering my bags, I grabbed my cell phone off the desk and stalked out of the room. Scurrying footsteps brought my mom and Sophia into the hallway. Their faces were tense. I didn’t know if they had planned this, or if my dad had surprised them both, but it didn’t matter. Even if they had planned it, I felt no anger at them. It was good that I had finally faced my dad. My anger at him had already started to dissipate. I felt no better about what had happened, but at least I had confronted him. At least I knew he had a reason for doing what he did, even if he refused to share it with me.
His refusal to tell me what he knew went against everything he claimed to have done to protect me, but it wasn’t surprising. If he believed himself some sacred keeper of knowledge, he wasn’t going to give in. Not without some strenuous convincing. And I knew I didn’t have the strength for that right now. That didn’t mean I was letting this go. I would be back for answers, soon.
The one good thing about facing him was that he finally told me he loved me. He was an idiot for doing what he had done, but even misguided love was better than none at all, I supposed. I realized that in some strange way, I might be able to forgive him one day. Before I would look at him and see only a selfish man, hungering after money and prestige, but now I saw another side of him, a carefully hidden side that wanted to protect me. I would never be close to him like father and daughter should be, but it was enough to know he didn’t despise me.
My mom looked at me uncertainly in the face of my silence.
“I got what I needed, Mom,” I said. I didn’t want to rehash the discussion with my dad. She could ask him herself if she really wanted to hear the details. Not that he would actually explain things to her any more than he did for me.
It stung me to see her face turned down, her lips tightened to keep them from trembling. “Be sure to help Sophia and Mrs. Crowe as much as you can,” she said. Her words and gestures were supportive, even though I knew she wanted to keep me from leaving. “I’ll be by to visit tomorrow, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is, Mom,” I said with tears in my eyes. None of this was her fault, but I knew I was punishing her by going. All I could do was hope she understood why I had to leave, and that she would forgive me in time. Pulling me close, I felt my mom’s arms squeeze me tightly and I returned the embrace. “Could you do something for me?” I asked her.
“Of course, honey. What is it?” she asked.
“Tell Dad that if he changes his mind about telling me, I’m willing to listen. He knows where to find me,” I said. “I have to leave, now. I’m sorry, Mom.” My last words were a whispered apology.
My mom shook her head fiercely through her confusion at my odd request. “None of this is your fault. Your father has made his choices, and now he must be accountable for them,” she said. She clearly didn’t understand what had happened between me and my dad, but I didn’t have the strength or understanding to explain. Smiling as warmly as she could, she continued, “Everything will work out, Claire. I truly believe that.”
“Thank you, Mom.”
Sophia touched my arm softly. It was time to go home.
10: Trust
Kaya set the phone down gently before turning back to me. “She’s agreed to see you this evening.”
This evening, I thought. I couldn’t help but glance at the clock on Kaya’s mantle. Evening was still hours away. I had been hoping that as soon as Kaya hung up the phone, we would be on our way over, on our way to find out whether the Shaxoa could really help Claire, or not. Talon rubbed his head against my leg, urging me to be patient. I was so tired of hearing that word. I couldn’t risk offending the Shaxoa, though. I forced myself to bury my frustration and looked back up at Kaya.
“Thank you, Kaya,” I said. I averted my eyes and tried to distract myself by scratching Talon’s head.
Kaya moved across the room to the window and stood staring out at the desert landscape. Her conversation had been carried in quiet tones, but I had gathered that the Shaxoa had not been keen on the idea of meeting with me. I wondered about that. Zarafen was despised by everyone in the tribe, but she would willingly meet with anyone who claimed to need her services. She enjoyed her work.
“What happened to the girl who got hurt?” I asked.
Kaya flinched at the mention of the incident. Glancing at Talon, she bit her bottom lip. The cougar’s presence seemed to remind her that I would know if she tried to lie to me. Coming to the dining table, Kaya sat down with an uncomfortable sigh.
“Her name is Raina Sosie. I think she was talked into going to Samantha on a dare from her friends,” Kaya said. “Raina approached Samantha, the Shaxoa, and told her that she wanted to learn from her. Samantha took her into her confidence and began to teach her about her work. Raina got scared and interrupted Samantha in the middle of a demonstration about some very powerful herbs. Raina disturbed the herbs and I think she might have inhaled some of them.
“I don’t know the exact details of what happened, but Samantha brought the girl to me in tears and begged me to help her. I had never seen Samantha so scared before,” Kaya said. “Luckily, Raina was fine. She had just been stunned or fell unconscious. She was asleep for a few hours before she woke up screaming. It took me another few hours to calm her down. She wasn’t actually hurt, thank goodness, but it scared Samantha and me. Samantha has been very leery of meeting with anyone ever since.”
“When did this happen?” I asked.
“About two weeks ago. Needless to say, the three of us haven’t spoken of it to anyone,” Kaya said.
I was amazed that Kaya was so willing to believe that the Shaxoa hadn’t meant to harm the girl. Zarafen and other Shaxoas had a reputation for being just as likely to harm those seeking their aid as they were to fulfill their patrons’ requests. “You seem to trust this Shaxoa quite a bit. Just how well do you know Samantha?” I asked, lifting a glass of water to my lips.
“Pretty well,” Kaya said. “She’s my sister.”
The water I had just taken a drink of went somewhere it should not have. Choking down the rest of the liquid in my mouth, I burst into a fit of coughing. Kaya jumped up and started patting my back hard enough to make me wince.
“Are you okay?” she asked when I was finally able to breathe again.
“She’s your sister?”
Kaya’s head dropped, though not in shame. I suspected she had faced the same question many times before. “Yes, Samantha is my sister.”
“How the hell did that happen?” I asked.
Kaya’s eyes snapped up at my language. The curse was mild, but her deep frown told me it was not appreciated.
“Sorry,” I said quickly. “It’s kind of bizarre, though.”
“Yeah,” Kaya said. Her voice had an accusing tone to it, and her folded arms challenged me to comment on her sister further.
I refused to back down. Claire’s future depended on this woman. I would not put my trust in her without being sure she was worthy of it. “How does one family produce a shaman and a Shaxoa?”
“It’s not that unbelievable. Power has long been believed to follow family lines. That’s why leadership was usually passed from parent to child,” Kaya said.
“Sure, I guess that makes sense,
but how did you end up having a Shaxoa for a sister?” I asked.
Kaya stiffened slightly, but kept her face composed.
“I’m sorry, Kaya, that was rude. It’s just that Quaile and Zarafen hate, and I mean hate, each other, for obvious reasons. You still care about Samantha, though, don’t you?” It was a stupid question. Of course Kaya still cared about her sister.
“Yes I still care, Uriah, wouldn’t you?” Kaya said.
I nodded even though I had no experience with siblings, evil or not. I could never turn my back on family either.
“She…she’s a good person. She studies what she does because she wants to understand it, not so she can hurt people. She has never given anyone anything that could be used to harm someone, never, and she never will. The incident with Raina practically put her into seclusion. She hasn’t touched her work since.”
“Does she know why I want to see her?” I asked.
Kaya shook her head hesitantly. “It will take a lot of convincing to get her to help you. She may not understand why you want what you want, but I think I’ll be able to make her believe that you aren’t trying to harm Claire.”
“Why do you believe me?” I asked. I was grateful that she did, since Claire was relying on her help, but I couldn’t really understand it. I don’t know that I would have believed my story if I hadn’t experienced it myself. A slight shift in Talon’s body drew my attention. “Is it because of Talon?”
Kaya smiled. “Talon is amazing, something I had never thought to see in my lifetime, but it’s more than that. The moment I touched you I could feel your sincerity.”
I must have looked confused. Quaile displayed no such talent. Kaya smiled. “Not every shaman is blessed with the same gifts. Some have none at all, but are chosen as shaman for their wisdom and ability to lead the tribe spiritually,” Kaya said. “When you speak of your own shaman, Quaile, you flinch. You left something out about her when you told me your story earlier, didn’t you?”
I nodded, not trusting my tongue to speak of Quaile without a string of bitter curses spewing out as well.
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