by Kelly, Hazel
"A take-back?"
"Yeah, like if you felt like it just slipped out because of all the wine and the sex and the warmth from the tub making your brain pruney then-"
"I don't want a take-back."
"Oh." She looked down at the narrow space between us, her eyelids fluttering with her thoughts. “I see."
"I know it's soon," I said. "I know it's unexpected."
"That's an understatement."
"But you know I like surprises."
She rolled her eyes. "More than anyone I've ever met."
I bent my elbow and rested my head in my hand.
"Everything you've done since you've arrived has been totally unexpected."
"In a good way I hope?"
"You weren't planning on asking me to marry you when you came here, were you?"
"Not strictly," I said. "I was mostly in a hurry to figure out how serious my feelings for you were."
"And you figured them out that quickly?"
I shrugged. "What can I say? I guess I know what I like."
"Well, once again your confidence is-"
"Refreshing?"
"I was going to say mind boggling, but sure."
"Look, I know you're probably thinking that I don't really mean it because I didn't plan ahead, but trust me. If I wished I hadn't asked, I would say so," I said. "I didn't come all this way just to screw around."
"Could've fooled me."
I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean. The point is, I know you probably had more in mind for that moment. At the very least, you probably expected that the man of your dreams would be clothed and on his knee and would have a ring, and I do feel bad about that."
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Don't feel bad about that,” she said. “It was still sweet how it happened."
"Oh, okay," I said, surprised all over again. "Good." Though I disagreed. If any woman deserved something more elaborate, it was Audrey for the simple reason that she didn’t expect it.
And no matter what she said, I was determined to make it up to her, to do something more memorable. Something that would be a better story for her to tell her friends than "after a day of epic sex, he asked me in bed."
Then again, that sounded pretty good to me when I thought about it. Still, she needed a ring… and a more traditional tale that we could tell our friends and family someday… maybe even our kids.
But I was getting ahead of myself.
After all, so far, she'd said everything but yes.
Chapter 4: Audrey
I couldn't believe it.
He didn't want a take-back.
In fact, not only did he not want to withdraw his proposal, his anxiousness for my answer was tangible.
I have to admit it was flattering.
And waking up next to him wasn't so bad either. His tanned face looked positively delectable on my white pillow, and it wasn’t just my eyes that recognized him either. My whole body reacted warmly, as if there wasn't an inch of me that wasn't absolutely thrilled by his close proximity.
"Aren't you at all concerned about the fact that we just met?" I asked.
He furrowed his brow. "I wouldn't say concerned."
"What would you say then?"
"I would say I'm a little excitable."
I laughed. "So excited that you think we should jump into something so serious?" I mean, I knew a marriage proposal wasn't some kind of irreversible thing. Shit, these days even marriages themselves could be dissolved as easily as a signature, assuming there were no children involved.
Speaking of which, I didn't even know if he wanted kids. It was just one more thing we hadn't discussed on the list of things couples should definitely talk about before marriage.
And we weren't even a couple! Neither of us had ever left a single belonging of ours at the other person's place. Not a toothbrush, not a pair of underwear, not even some spare change. The whole thing seemed crazier the more I thought about it.
Then again, maybe it was ridiculous to think that just because regular relationships tended to follow predictable conventions that they all should. After all, it’s not like following convention was a reliable predictor of relationship success. I knew lots of people that lived together before marriage or fucked before the third date who seemed to be doing just fine.
Actually, it seemed to me that no one really had a clue about what made some relationships work and others fail. And most of the people who thought they had it all figured out were too annoying to listen to for more than five seconds anyway… unless they were over sixty in which case their advice was often as sweet as it was dated.
I mean, being told that communication is important by people who've been married for fifty years is great and everything. I'm sure it's fantastic advice. But I always want to ask those couples how they would've managed in a world with sexting and Facebook and dating apps.
The point is, perhaps the problem with modern relationships isn’t a lack of communication but the fact that there’s too damn much of it.
In which case maybe Jack was right. Maybe we should just skip all the bullshit talking about our feelings and jump straight to the ultimate status update.
But that didn't seem right either because the bullshit talking was what made the vows real when you finally tied the knot, right? Wasn’t it those late night chats that revealed over time who you were actually agreeing to marry?
Plus, I’ve always been under the impression that it was important to get thoroughly acquainted with someone else's crap before you decided whether you wanted to build your life with them.
Sure, Jack and I had been having a good time together. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every second of it. But I wasn't even ankle deep in his issues.
He still seemed too good to be true and experience had led me to believe that no one was really perfect- not even sexy, successful beach bums… perhaps especially not them.
What’s more, a lot of people didn't take marriage that seriously. After all, it was less permanent than a tattoo these days, and many Californians collected them much the same way. I met men all the time that were proud of how many women they'd convinced to marry them.
And that wasn't what I wanted for myself. I didn't want to be one of many. I wanted to be The One period. And I didn't know enough about what kind of guy Jack was to know if he felt the same way.
All I knew was that his parents lived on opposite sides of the world and here he was falling for someone just as far away… or swearing he was anyway.
But how could they be real? These feelings? This proposal? Sure, it felt real enough as I lay in bed with him, his intense eyes fixed on mine. But once he walked out of my apartment, how could I be sure any of this even happened?
I didn't have a ring. I didn't even have his goddamn phone number?!
"Audrey?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you hear me?"
"No, sorry- I was- What?"
His face softened as he lowered his voice. "I was saying I don't think we should jump into anything."
I pursed my lips.
"I know marriage is a big commitment, and despite how little time I wasted asking you to be mine, please know that it's one I take very seriously."
I nodded, feeling relieved to finally hear him echo some of my concerns.
"I'm not suggesting we get married tomorrow." He slid his arm over my bare hip and pulled me close. "I'm not even suggesting we get married this year."
I scooted into the warm space around his body. "So what are you suggesting?"
"I'm suggesting we take all the time we need to get to know each other."
"During our engagement?"
"Yeah.”
I swallowed. Was that even a thing? Did people even do that?
"I know it's not exactly traditional, but I'm hoping you agree that tradition is overrated."
"I don't know," I said. "I mean, I don't think all tradition is overrated."
"What are you sayin
g?"
"I'm saying I don't even know your middle name?"
"It's Donal."
"Donald?"
"No. Well sort of. Donal is the Irish version."
"Oh."
"It was my Grandpa's name."
"I see."
"What's yours?"
"Cordelia."
"No it's not."
"What? You think it's that much crazier than Donal?"
"Yeah, I do," he said. "Was it your Grandma's or something?"
"No. My Mom just really liked it, and my Dad refused to let her make it my first name."
"I'd have to side with your Dad on that one."
"I suppose I would, too," I said, recalling how much I hated it when I was little and everyone else’s middle name was Marie.
"Well I feel better, don't you?" Jack said, smiling. "Now that we got that big mystery out of the way."
I rolled my eyes.
"What else would you like to know?" he said. "Ask me anything?"
"Jack."
"Audrey Cordelia."
"Knowing your middle name doesn't change anything."
"Sure it does."
"No." I shook my head. "That's not the point I was trying to make when I said I didn't know it."
"So what is the point?"
"The point is-" I sighed. "I can tell you want an answer- a certain answer- to your question, and I can't give it to you right now."
His face fell.
I waited for him to say something, and then I started to worry he’d gone mute.
"Why not?"
"Because."
He shook his head. "Because isn't an answer, Audrey." He scooted away from me. "I put myself out there, okay? I was upfront with you about where I stand."
My lips fell apart.
"I think the least you can do is tell me why you don't think I deserve an answer."
"Because I’m not done thinking about it," I said. "Honestly, Jack, I'm not sure I've had a single clear thought since you showed up yesterday and then you ask me to-"
"Are you saying you don't know what you want?"
"No. That's not what I'm saying. I want you. Of course I do. I just don't think I'm ready to-"
"When?"
"When what?"
"When will you have an answer?" He sat up and the covers fell down, revealing a rippling chest that made my guts ache.
"I don't know."
He clenched his jaw and looked straight ahead, exhaling through his nose.
I sat up and put a hand on his back, lowering my voice. "It's not a no, Jack."
He turned his head towards me. "But it's not a yes either."
"It's not not a yes," I said. "It's just-"
"It's just what?"
"It's just that if I have to be pinned down right now, you won't like my answer, and neither will I."
The pain in his eyes was so intense I felt my chest tighten around my heart.
And in that moment, I hoped I hadn't made a terrible mistake.
Chapter 5: Jack
I couldn't believe how bad it hurt to discover she couldn't return my feelings.
I knew neither of us had seen my proposal coming, but once I asked I honestly felt so much better. It was like admitting how serious my intentions were actually lifted a huge weight off me.
And I'd never felt that way with a woman before. On the contrary, the very idea of making a verbal commitment had always seemed reminiscent of being at a theme park and agreeing to only go on one roller coaster.
But with Audrey, it was like I couldn't even see the other rides. I was like a child blinded by a single toy leading up to Christmas, like it didn't matter what else was under the tree as long as she was there.
Maybe that sounds extreme, but my instincts have always been the thing I could trust most.
And when I looked down the different roads diverging in Robert Frost's proverbial wood, it wasn't that Audrey was only at the end of one of them. It was like she was standing in the middle of each one, enhancing every single option I had.
And I know she wasn't saying no, but no was what I was hearing, and it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.
I threw the covers off my legs, walked to the bathroom and closed the door. I had to get out of there. I could feel my body coursing with all kinds of irrational emotions, and I didn't want to say anything I'd regret.
Part of me knew she was only trying to be reasonable, but couldn't she just fucking forget reason for two seconds and admit she was crazy about me, too? Was I really asking that much?
I put the toilet seat up and took a piss, trying to ignore the bathtub to my left where I'd washed her soft skin with my hands, where I'd made her even wetter than she thought she could be. I tried to ignore the memory of how nice the white wine tasted on her lips and how the soap looked dripping down her neck, over her collarbone, and down her chest.
She knocked and I answered by flushing the toilet. Then I splashed some cold water on my face, hoping with every clench of my jaw that asking her hadn't been a huge mistake. Naturally, I was annoyed at the way she'd taken the wind out of my sails so swiftly, but driving her away wasn't my intention.
On the contrary, it was the only thing I could imagine in that moment that would actually make me feel worse than I already did.
"Jack?" she asked from the other side of the bathroom door. "Are you okay?"
I opened the door naked and stood facing her squarely.
She was leaning against the door frame in her robe with her arms crossed.
"I'm fine," I said. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Her eyes drooped at the corners. "C'mon. Don't be like that."
"Like what?" I asked. "How should I be?"
She pursed her lips.
"Seriously, Audrey? What's the appropriate way to be in this situation?"
"I don't know but-"
"Yeah, well, I don't know either." I walked over to the chair in the corner where my clothes were and sorted my pants from the pile. "All I know is that I just asked the woman I love to marry me, and she didn't exactly react in a way that filled me with joy." I was about to put my pants on when I remembered that it's customary to put one's underwear on first so I grabbed them instead. "So you'll have to excuse me."
"You love me?" she asked, taking a few steps across the room and leaning against the end of the bed.
"What?" I looked at her wide eyes. "Of course I fucking love you. What the hell do you think all this is? You think I just go out of my way to go on dates that require plane rides and security checks?"
"No, but-"
"You think I would ask you to marry me if I didn't love you?!"
"No, but-"
"No but what?"
"You've never said it before."
I stepped into my pants and fastened them around my waist. Then I took two steps toward her and dropped down on one knee.
"Audrey," I said, looking up at her.
"What?"
"It would be naive of me to think that I was the first man to ever recognize your beauty, your intelligence, and your innate kindness. However, no woman has ever made me feel as inspired, full, and as optimistic as you do.” I swallowed. “I love you not only with all of my heart I've been using but with all of my heart that's been lying dormant in the hope that I might meet someone like you someday."
Her eyes were watering at the bottom and she had one hand pressed down on her chest over the opening of her robe.
"Please make me the luckiest man alive by marrying me, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to convince you that you're the lucky one."
She sighed, her chest sinking. "Oh Jack."
I didn't move.
She sunk down onto her knees across from me and gave me a hug. But it wasn't the kind of hug where arms are thrown, and I sensed that something wasn't quite right as I pulled her tightly to me.