“He proposed.”
Sam dropped the last half of his granola bar in the dirt. The air halted inside the lean-to, and all sounds were dampened. He immediately looked to her ring finger but couldn’t see it because of the gloves.
“What?” It was the only word he could muster.
“And then he called me a bitch when I said no.”
Sam’s head spun, his vision curled in at the edges like pages of an old book. “Can you fill in the blanks here?”
“He surprised me at the party last night, and I agreed we could talk afterward, which is when you saw us at the Butler House. He tried to apologize for cheating on me, and for some ridiculous reason, I listened. But then you walked in, and I realized I was being a total idiot. After we left, we were standing outside and he said, ‘We should get married.’ And I laughed. It was so bizarre to me that after all the shit he’d put me through, he’d think that I’d want to marry him. So I said no, that I didn’t trust him and probably never would, and I called him selfish, and then he called me a bitch. And then I went back to Jorie’s, and I ate all of the day-old muffins she brought home from the bakery.”
Red-hot rage boiled up inside Sam. It flowed through his veins and threatened to bubble up and over and force him to do something terrible. If Connor had been in front of him now, he wasn’t sure what he would do.
“Wow,” he said, running a hand over his head and letting his hat fall onto the ground. “That guy deserves to have something really terrible happen to him.”
“He’ll get his. Someday.” She swallowed, nibbled her lip, and grinned, the smile stopping short of her eyes. “Connor was the boyfriend that fit my life in New York. The longer I’m here, the more I realize that person wasn’t really me. So, while it hurt to be cheated on, and losing everything I’d known in New York was hard, that was a life I was never meant to live. It’s for the best.”
Despite his anger, he gazed at her in adoration. She hadn’t given Connor another shot. She had barely even entertained it. And here she was, the day after, trying to make Sam feel better. His heart swelled.
“My turn,” she said. She popped the last bite of granola bar into her mouth.
“Ah, man, you ate the whole thing? I dropped mine.”
“Whose fault is that?”
“Yours!” he said, sitting straight up. “You tell me Connor proposed when I’m sitting here telling you I . . .” Have feelings for you.
“You still haven’t told me shit.” She tilted her head to the side and challenged him with her eyes. “My turn.”
Despite the cold outside, the fire roared and filled the lean-to with heat. He unzipped the top of his coat and sighed against the relief of cold air on his throat. He was scared of her question. He was scared of his answer.
“Go ahead,” he said.
“How long has it been since you had sex?”
He dragged his hand across his face and watched as she licked her lips. It took him a second to count the months. November, October, September, August. It was a hot drunk night at an old college buddy’s bonfire near Utica. A woman he’d never met came on strong, and he gave in. They were far from home, and he never even got her name. In fact, he’d barely thought about it since.
“Four months.”
“Four months?” she said, dropping her chin. “I’m sorry, but the Liv stuff . . .”
“Yes, everything was just like it is now. It was one dumb night, and it was just sex. I am a human, after all. I have needs. I never told Liv. I figured it would just complicate things. You’re the only person I’ve ever told.”
“I’m so confused,” she said, yanking off her scarf and unzipping her own coat. Sam was slightly disappointed to see she wore a turtleneck underneath.
“What’s confusing?”
“You’re so protective over Liv. You’re doing all of this to help her, to help Jay. You act like even the hint of something romantic between us would tank Liv’s chance at custody. But then you sleep with some stranger? Why doesn’t that threaten anything?”
His first instinct was to defend himself and then stick up for Liv. Sydney had no idea the battle Liv fought daily, the tidal wave of addiction crashing against her as she struggled to remain upright. She didn’t know how Liv had been there for him when he needed her most and the bottomless debt he owed her because of it, or how Liv’s lapse in sobriety came immediately after his mother died and the crushing guilt he felt every moment of every day thinking maybe he had something to do with it.
But as he watched Sydney’s impassioned face, her cheeks blushing and her hands waving around in front of her, he suspected something deeper was to blame for the anger.
“My turn,” he said.
“Can we stop with the game? I’m trying to talk to you here.”
“No, you asked a question, you got your answer. Now it’s my turn.”
She huffed and slumped back against the lean-to wall like a spoiled toddler. “Go.”
He lowered his eyebrows and breathed deeply before lowering the boom. “Why do you care so much?”
chapter seventeen
The air rushed out of her lungs. He’d beaten her to the ultimate question. She ran through all the possible answers in her mind. I don’t care. It’s not fair to Liv. It’s hypocritical. But ultimately, she knew what she had to say. He’d shown her the break in the dam. Now all she had to do was take one fatal crack at it.
The heat from the roaring fire had her sweating on one side and freezing on the other. “I care because . . .” She licked her lips and swallowed the last of her fears. “I like you.”
He dropped his chin. “And?”
“Nope, you got your question. I answered. My turn.”
He ignored her protest. He leaned forward, creeping closer to her, and kept his eyes focused square on her mouth. “Do you also care because you’re wondering if I’m letting myself sleep with somebody, why can’t it be you?”
All feeling flowed out of her limbs in one mass exodus, leaving her body a numb lump of flesh. His mouth had formed each perfect word as she looked on, hoping he’d get to what they’d been dancing around for months. Now that he’d said it, she didn’t know what to do.
“Yes.” The word was a whisper, a single exhale of breath. “I care because I am incredibly, stupidly, all-consumingly attracted to you, and yes, if you’re going to sleep with somebody, why can’t it be me?”
A breath escaped his lips, and she felt the puff of air on her mouth. Before either of them could say another word, he leaned the last few inches toward her and kissed her lips. The tip of his nose was ice-cold but the rest of him was warm, and the heat began to quell the insatiable hunger raging inside her.
He kissed her greedily, holding her face while his tongue caressed hers. She tasted chocolate on his mouth, and she breathed in like it was the last time she might be able to.
They both rose to their knees, and she unzipped his coat all the way, desperate to feel the tight body beneath his clothes. She wrapped her arms around his back and let her fingers explore every tendon and ropy sinew. As she read his body like braille, his left hand trailed down the front of her body while he continued to kiss her, spending extra time sucking on her lower lip.
She leaned in for more. His short beard scratched her upper lip, the pain quickly eradicated by the sweetness of his mouth and the thrumming desire flowing through every vein. She had wanted him for so long, and now his body was under her hands, his tongue inside her mouth. She almost couldn’t believe it.
“In case you wondered,” he said, his breathing heavy, “I am stupidly, fully, mind-bendingly attracted to you, too. And I kinda have been since we met.”
Her lips parted as her brain floated lazily, trying to recover from the rush of endorphins. “Kinda guessed.”
They continued to make out, hands roaming, voices moaning, but she didn’t kn
ow if she should escalate. What she really wanted was to tear his clothes off and take every inch of him into her mouth. But they were outdoors, with the fickle heat from the fire their only source of warmth, and even if he only wanted to kiss, she could be happy with that for now.
Just as she talked herself into being okay with first base, his hand snaked down to unzip her coat the rest of the way, and as he tugged the zipper free at her thighs, his fingers paused to trace slowly along the outer edge of her sex through her jeans.
A strangled moan escaped her mouth, and she pulled away to study his face. His eyelids drooped, and his tongue traced his bottom lip. Now she knew what that gesture meant. It made her crazy with desire.
“What do you want to do?” he asked. His voice rumbled in the cold quiet of the lean-to as he tucked his face into her jaw and placed a series of tiny kisses there.
“I thought I was being so obvious.” She reached forward and felt for the outline of his hardened cock. It pressed against the woven fabric of his ski pants, and as her fingers trailed up and over it, the pulse between her legs quickened.
“Tell me,” he said.
She lifted her face to his while tracing her fingers over his erection again and again. Before she spoke, she flicked her tongue over his lower lip. “I want you to fuck me.”
He released a deep exhale and tightened his grip on her ass. His pelvis pressed up against her and she rolled her hips on him, desperate for as much contact as possible.
“God,” he groaned, “I think I could come just like this. You feel unbelievable.”
She pressed her mouth against his again, and waves of lust rolled through her. This was more than physical desire. This was a deep connection being dug even further. He belonged to her, and as their bodies formed one entity, she gave in completely.
“I have a condom,” he choked out. “Just a second.” He frantically grabbed at his backpack and dumped out the entire contents before retrieving an ancient condom from the depths of the pack.
“How old is that?” she asked.
“Not too old to work.” He pulled his coat off his arms and laid it on the dirt before leaning back. The outline of his length strained against the ski pants, and her breath caught in her throat. The man certainly had a lot to offer.
She tugged off her own coat and savored the campfire heat. In this moment, she barely felt the chill. She kneeled between his knees and then leaned over him, sliding her hands up his impossibly chiseled abs and firm pecs. He licked his lower lip again, and she craned her neck to kiss it.
He reached under her layers of shirts, sliding his hand up until his fingertips brushed the under curve of her breast. She inhaled sharply, every nerve in her body in overdrive. She ground against him, sure if she didn’t, she’d implode, while his thumb rolled over the tightened peak of her nipple. He moved over to the other side, all the while holding her gaze.
“I can’t wait anymore,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve already waited so long.”
He kissed her gently before removing his hand and reaching for the condom. While he unzipped his pants, she stood up to remove hers altogether. She watched with rapt attention as he pulled out his incredible cock.
“Jesus Christ,” she said. “Wait. Just one second.”
With one hand clutching the condom, he watched as she knelt down again. This time she lingered at his hips and slipped his head past her lips, across her tongue, and down as far as her throat would allow. He tasted like a dream.
She slid the length of him in and out of her mouth, gripping the base with one hand, and moaning as she went. The sensation of him rolling against her tongue pushed her closer and closer to the edge. Finally, she looked up at him, his face creased in disbelief.
“Jesus, you’re unreal,” he said.
She buried her face in his stomach, chest, and throat as she made her way up toward his mouth. They kissed again, and now she was desperate for him.
He tore open the condom and rolled it from the tip to the shaft, pausing momentarily to stroke himself. She could barely stand to wait another second.
“You sure you’re ready?” he asked, tracing his rough, calloused thumb across her lower lip.
“I am so ready.”
With his eyes boring holes into hers, he traced his fingers across her slick seam. He dipped a single finger inside her and she shuddered, tightening around him.
“Don’t tease me,” she said, on the verge of begging.
“I wouldn’t do that.”
This time he dragged the tip of his cock along her folds before slowly pressing it into her. She squeezed her eyes closed, savoring each blissful inch as he entered her, filling her up with so much pressure she was afraid to move.
“Look at me,” he said.
When she finally opened her eyes, she met his gaze dead-on. His cheeks flushed, and his breath came in ragged gasps. Each exhale hit her nose and mouth, and she breathed in his expelled air as if it could bring them that much closer.
They moved together like ocean waves on a quiet surf, their bodies rocking back and forth, in sync. Both of his hands slid across the soft flesh at her hips, resting finally where he had the best grip. Her thighs tightened around his waist, drawing him even farther inside her and quickening the pace. She wanted it to last, but a deep, clawing desire begged her to speed up.
“Oh God,” she said, feeling the climax mounting. She teetered on the edge, begging her body not to give in yet. But the sensation of his cock sliding in and out of her, pressing against her clit and dragging her toward the ultimate release, was too much. She couldn’t fight it anymore.
“You close?” he said, dragging his soft lips across hers. Every minute of being with him was intimacy in its purest form.
“Yes,” she whispered. He tucked one hand behind her neck and buried it in her hair, the other hand clutching her waist. She’d never felt so connected to someone, so alive and present. It was the highest high.
“Fuck.” His face pinched, and the rhythm of his hips rolling into hers increased, but his eyes never left her.
Suddenly, it was on her. The wave had built to epic proportions and now it crested before crashing down over her and carrying her away. “I’m coming,” she squeaked as her body shivered in his arms.
“Oh God.” He seized up underneath her, and as his hips pulsed and his arms tightened around her, he pressed a kiss against her mouth.
The trembling, pulsating waves finally died down, and she lifted her head from where it had landed on his chest to look at his face. His heavy breathing formed little clouds above him. She felt like she was sinking into a warm mud bath, gravity dragging her further into the sleepy, slippery beyond.
“Holy shit,” he said, staring up at the ceiling of the lean-to. He dragged a hand over his face and then raised his head, gazing at her in pure wonderment.
“Yeah. Wow.” A tiny tremor flowed from him into her, and she giggled. “Was that an aftershock?”
“Somethin’ like that.”
He closed the space between them and placed a gentle, purposeful kiss on her mouth. His hand, still buried in her hair, working his fingers through the strands, massaged the back of her neck and kept her close.
“Come on, you must be cold by now,” he said. She realized she was naked from the waist down, save for a pair of wool socks, and the heat from the campfire wasn’t doing much to warm her up.
She rolled off him, attempting to pull her turtleneck down over her very exposed nether regions. The strangeness of the moment settled over her.
They hadn’t stripped each other down or seen each other naked. She still had no idea what the full tattoo was on his chest or if he had any strange birthmarks. The sex was so emotional and yet almost unfinished with all the things they hadn’t said or done.
She slipped into her underwear, jeans, and boots while wat
ching him peel off the used condom, tuck it into the empty granola bar wrapper, and slip it into his backpack.
“Saving a memento?” she said.
He zipped up his fly and leaned back on his elbows, one side of his mouth curving into a grin. “Yeah, I have a collection at home. Perfectly preserved used condoms.”
“Oh man, you just get weirder and weirder.” She tightened the laces on her boots and settled back down into the dirt, on her knees, poised over him and studying his face. He was different to her now. Softer, somehow.
“I was actually going to throw it out when I found a trash can,” he said. He tugged at a loose strand of her hair and let his fingers linger at her jawbone.
“Such a responsible outdoorsman.”
“What are we doing?” His whisper nearly disappeared on the wind. She didn’t want the inevitable conversation to mar this perfect moment. Not now. Couldn’t they live inside this warm bubble in the middle of nowhere while nature moved around them but real life did not?
“I don’t know,” she said.
He sat up and pulled on his coat, inching forward so that she sat between his legs.
“Being reckless?”
“Yeah, that much I already knew.” The skin between his eyebrows creased, and she ran her fingers over it before kissing him. Although the physical act was over, the connection forged by sex had not yet broken.
“Was this, um . . .” She swallowed down the awkwardness. What was it about him? With everyone before him, she knew sex was her greatest weapon. Men fell at her feet after she’d had them one time. But with Sam, it was different. She wanted him to want all of her, not just her body. She wanted him to love her.
“Was this what?” he asked.
“Was this a one-time thing?”
He raised a single eyebrow and leaned in closer, resting his hands on the top of her butt. “God, I hope not.”
“So then what?”
He breathed deeply, eyes darting around her face. “Liv is still on shaky ground for a while. She has to keep attending meetings, and a social worker can pop up at any time to check out the house, make sure it’s fit for Jay to live in, and make sure Liv is still clean. If she can stick with it through all this, she’ll probably get shared custody. And then I can back away.”
Wild Love Page 18