by Sells, W. G.
“Uh, uh. You shoot garlic man?”
“What? Oh, no dear. I dragged you from the road. That man was going to take you somewhere where we wouldn’t be able to get to you, and we wouldn’t want that.”
“He was taking me to see a man about a thing.” As I said it, the man in the front passenger seat laughed loudly. Ruth did too.
“No, really,” I tried to impress on them the dire nature of what I felt was going to happen. “Cheese is the traitor and they were going to take me to…”
Now they both howled with laughter. I wanted to chuckle too, but I didn’t get the joke.
“No, dear,” Ruth said. “Cheese was taking you to see my son, and Garlic Man as you call him, is Jimmy Fusco and is undercover for Traverse, Inc. He secretly worked his way up to be one of Tony Scalisi’s top lieutenants.
“He was one,” said the man in the front. “At least before I shot his double-deal’n ass.”
“Oh, sorry Julie,” Ruth said. “I haven’t introduced you. This is my new boss, Mr. Tony Scalisi.”
Into the Fire
[Previously in Traverse, Inc. – Julie Peters is seemingly abducted by a stinky, garlic-breathing man and put into Cheese’s car. Thinking Cheese is the traitor and that the garlic man is taking her to gangster, Tony Scalisi, she jumps from the car. As she lies in the road, garlic man gets out of Cheese’s car and is shot by someone else in another car, which has just pulled up to the scene. Julie is dragged into that car and is seemingly rescued by Ruth Elliott, the Director of Traverse, Inc., but soon finds out that Ruth is the traitor and that Tony Scalisi has shot garlic man who turns out to be Jimmy Fusco, the ‘unknown’ member of Traverse Inc.]
Well, slap me silly and call me Sally. Ruth is the traitor and I fell out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I must have sat there shaking my head for fifteen minutes while they laughed and congratulated themselves on their amazing dumb luck. I was on my way to safety and didn’t know it. I had to admit, if I had been in his shoes and in her mug I would have laughed too.
“So, Ruth, did you run out of beer money?” I asked.
Tony laughed at that one.
“No, honey,” she said quickly. “You’ve heard the old saying, ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?”
“Yes, and I’ve heard the other saying, ‘What comes around, goes around.’ You are playing with fire joining up with a gangster.”
“Gangster?” Tony said offended. “I’m a business man.”
“Yeah, you took care of business with Jimmy Fusco.”
“Yes, I did.”
“And I’m sure you’ll take the same approach with Ruth when you’re done using her. What is your beef with Traverse, Inc. anyway?”
“My son has something we all want,” Ruth said as if she were Tony’s ambassador. “And Mr. Scalisi has a way of getting it.”
“He’s gonna shoot Myron too?”
Ruth looked at Tony and Tony simply shrugged. Ruth looked at Tony more sternly.
“Well?” she asked him.
“What? Naw, come on. Nobody needs to get hurt over this thing.”
“Nobody else you mean,” I said.
Lightning fast, Mister Tony Scalisi bared his fangs, turned in his seat, and punched me in the face with his large knuckles and razor sharp diamond ring.
“Another fuck’n word out of you, honey, and you’ll wish you were back in the senator’s parlor gett’n drugged and twiddled. I swear to you, with me you will know exactly what is happening to you every second. Got it?”
I shook my head and blood dripped down on my blouse and skirt. My cheek and jaw throbbed, and I suddenly felt very alone and very scared.
“Was that necessary?” Ruth said.
“Shut up.”
Ruth looked into the rearview mirror and saw my face. As she turned onto the parkway, she reached by her side, took a tissue from her purse, and handed it back to me. As I reached for the tissue, I noticed Ruth’s open purse had a pistol inside. Cha Ching! The fear vanished and replaced with resolve.
I sat back in my seat and exhaled as if I had just taken in the longest hit on the fattest doobie. I even got a slight buzz, though I suspected it was a result of the knuckles in the face. I could even imagine having some Oreos and milk. Whether they knew it or not, this chick was not going down without a fight.
“Well?” Ruth was asking, and I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or to Tony. Tony didn’t say anything so I asked.
“Could you repeat the question?”
“I said, when was the last time you spoke to Tree?”
“Why?”
Tony turned and glared at me. “Just answer her?” he said, and turned back to face the front.
“Scooter called him before I went into the jail,” I said. “We only spoke for a minute.” I lied.
“What did he say?” Ruth asked.
“He said….,” I leaned forward. In the same movement, I put a good portion of the blood from my face onto the fingers of my left hand. This has to be quick. “He said he had something that everyone was going to want. He said, ‘Tony Scalisi was gonna shit.’”
“Really?” Tony said and turned to me.
“No,” I added. “Maybe he said, ‘Tony is a shit.’”
“Funny, babe,” he said and bared a fang.
“Stop it, Julie,” Ruth warned.
All at once, everything slowed down in my mind. I chuckled. The Matrix is real. I felt myself smile as Tony fully turned in his seat, his arm bringing his hand up toward his shoulder, fingers clenching into a fist. The muscles around his lips squeezed tightly into a forced smile as his bottom teeth ground into the top. His cheeks puffed out and moved away from his mouth. I could almost hear his thoughts…you’re asking for this sweetheart.
Ruth slowly glanced in the rearview mirror and then to Tony, her mouth moving like a fish out of water trying to catch its breath. “N….o….T….o….n….y! D….o….n….’t!!!”
Before Tony could get his punch into motion, I stabbed at his eyes with my fingers full of blood. He squinted and reached for me, but I was already pulling my arm back and away. When he went to wipe the blood from his eyes, I lunged across the front seat for the steering wheel with my right hand and jerked the wheel to the right, which sent Tony toward his door. Ruth gasped and tried to wrest control of the wheel with both her hands. I didn’t care. My left hand was already inside her purse. The gun came out, but Ruth was too busy to know and Tony was too blind to see.
The explosion made everything speed back up to normal. Tony grimaced like Lee Harvey Oswald in the basement garage of the Dallas Police Department, his guts on fire from the blast. Ruth’s eyes were the same size as the bottom of a beer stein, and her feet hit both the brake and the accelerator at the same time. She veered to the shoulder, thought about it, and then swerved back onto the highway. I laughed. You can run but you can’t hide, you old lush.
“Get me to Myron!” I said and then threw up - again. I was feeling ballsy, bulimic and my brain was begging for beer.
End of Part One
There's no Z in Team
[Previously in Traverse, Inc. – Julie Peters grabs Ruth Elliott’s pistol and shoots Tony Scalisi in the gut. She orders Ruth to take her to see Myron. End of Part I]
We all sat in Myron’s living room and watched the news. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and shook my head in amazement. The others grinned. Something told me they had seen things like this before. My head spun and I only caught snippets as the newscaster casted….
“Shortly before midnight……the shooting of Jimmy Fusco, who worked for syndicate leader Tony Scalisi as a liaison to ex-Senator John Hughes…….sources say, Hughes had tried to run off with millions of tax payer’s…...through building contracts and the new I-200 roadway……Scalisi demanded his cut for getting Hughes elected…..fraudulent ballots.....deceased persons dating back to 1957…..Fusco had tried to stop Hughes……witnesses describing the struggle over a suitcase filled
with money……Hughes firing at Fusco who is in stable condition at Howard County General Hospital…..investigators surmise when Scalisi found out Hughes had shot Fusco – he went looking for Hughes…..brings us to the startling video of a bewildered looking John Hughes waving a pistol over the body of Scalisi…… Hughes’ wounds though superficial, the likelihood of survival in prison…..Hughes had been overheard taunting the mafia kingpin during drinking bouts since his fall from office……a friend of his ex-wife, the former Gwendolyn Rogers Hughes, commented ……”
“Leech!” BS screamed. “You look great on TV, baby!”
“Yes, I do, but don’t call me baby.”
Everyone laughed.
“I missed it BS, damn!” Queen said. “What did you tell them, Leech?”
“The usual….he was drinking all day and hanging out in tranny bars all night.…”
The place erupted in laughter. Sister Boom fell out of her seat. But just as quickly the room fell silent. Peepers turned down the volume on the TV set and raised a glass. Tree, Scooter, Cracker, Queen B, Cheese, BS, Mr. Freeze, Sister Boom and Leech the Beech followed suit with their glasses. I raised my coffee mug.
“To Jesus and Cristobel,” Myron said.
“Jesus and Cristobel!”
We sat in silence for a moment and then Myron lifted his glass again.
“To Jimmy for taking one for the team,” Myron said.
“Jimmy!”
“To Julie Peters, may she rest in peace and may her credit card companies get over it,” Myron said. We all laughed.
“Julie!” we responded. I took two sips for that one. No longer would I be Julie Peters. Peggy Lipton had been reborn straight from the lean mean streets of the Mod Squad! Far out!
“And finally….” Myron said, “….to my dear mother, Ruth Elliott! May she retire in peace.
“Hear, hear,” everyone said and toasted. “To Ruth!”
“Who?” came a voice from the hallway that led to the back bedrooms. “Little ole me?”
“Yeah, ma!” said Myron. “You’re missing all the toasts.”
“Sorry gang,” Ruth said as she came out of the back drying her hair with a towel. “I had to wash that sleezeball off of me.”
“Which one?” asked Queen.
They all laughed again.
“So, Jimmy’s gonna be alright?” Ruth asked.
“Yeah, mom,” Myron said. “The vest did its job ‘cept for one bullet grazed him in the shoulder.”
The news coverage went to commercial and the group sat back and sipped their drinks. One by one they turned to me. Great. What now? Myron cleared his throat.
“So, Julie, um Peggy,” he started. “We have another job for you if you have time between going to jail and all.”
“It depends,” I said.
“I knew it!” shouted BS. “She wants more money.”
“Shut up, BS!” said Queen. “You don’t know nuth’n!”
BS turned to me, pointed and winked. “More dough, right?”
I shook my head.
“No, BS. I’ll do whatever for the team as long as I get treated like a member of the team. No more surprises – no more communication gaps – no more scaring the hell out of me to get me to do something you want me to do or react the way you want me to react. Tell me straight up what is what, and I’m in. If not, then this is our goodbye.”
“Fair enough,” said Myron. He looked at Tree.
“Yeah, we can do that,” said Tree. He looked at Cracker. Cracker shrugged and looked at Queen B.
“We are gonna do right by you, Julie,” she said.
“Peggy,” said Cheese who then snapped my picture.
“Yeah,” said BS. “You might be Peg-eee now, but you’ll always be F.I.N.E. to me, baby.”
“Shut up, BS! Geesh!” said Scooter who stood up and took my coffee mug to the kitchen for a refill. Mr. Freeze came over and tapped me on the shoulder. He had a check in hand.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Bonus,” said Myron.
“You did a great job,” said Tree.
“I’m sorry for making your life hell,” said Ruth. “This money is the least we can do.”
“And,” Scooter said to the group as he walked back into the living room with my coffee. “Here’s to our team! Here’s to our newest member – Peggy Lipton – and here is to no more games.”
“Here here!” we all shouted and toasted. I looked at the check. Five-hundred-thousand!!!
“Holy crap!” I muttered.
“Not bad, eh?” said Scooter.
“How much?” asked BS “You guys never tell me nothing.”
“She earned every dime, BS,” said Queen. “Just like you earned to not know.”
We all laughed and then Myron turned up the volume on the television. I yawned.
God, I’m beat, I thought. And sore. But I’m gonna have fun spending this money though. There was a high-pitched sound coming from the news cast….sirens…..or ringing….must be bad reception…..bad video too - blurry….I rubbed my eyes …..why is everyone talking at once…..splash some water…..wow, I’m tired…..can’t feel legs…..gotta....get....up.....
“Is she out?” asked Myron.
“Yeah,” said Queen B.
“She ain’t gonna like it, ya’ll,” said BS.
“No choice, really,” said Ruth.
“Nope, not this time,” said Tree.
“Help me with her legs,” said Scooter. BS started to help.
“Not you, BS,” said Cracker, who quickly took his place.
“Give me the check back,” said Mr. Freeze.
Sister Boom picked up the check from the floor. “Poor thing,” she said.
“The money is gonna be the worst part for her,” said Cheese.
“No it isn’t,” said Queen. “She'll get it later. The worst part will be when she wakes up and sees where she is.”
Where am I and what's beeping?
[Previously in Traverse, Inc. – Julie Peters seemingly finds resolution with the events of the previous week. She officially changes her identity to Peggy Lipton, is paid a hefty bonus and realizes everyone is on the same side. Then she is drugged by the team and passes out.]
Beep…beep…beep…Ja get the number of that truck?
The beeping woke me up. My head was spinning and like I always did after a good bender, asked the question about the truck to no one in particular. Usually, I would answer with, you were driving the truck, you moron. But this time, I couldn’t even remember drinking, let alone getting plowed by a semi. WTF? Think, Julie, think. Wait….I’m Peggy now. I was with the team. I drank….the coffee. It might as well have been Kool Aid served by Jim Jones. They did it again.
Beep…beep…beep…
Where am I and what’s beeping? I looked around the room, which wasn’t easy since I only seemed to have one eye. Hospital. Great. I’m bandaged around my head and have tubes in my arms, but except for my pounding hangover-type headache, I don’t feel like I’m hurt. What did they do to me?
Beep…beep…mmmahhh…
Someone in the bed next to me moaned, so I turned my head to see a woman who looked like I felt. Her face was bruised and cut and she had bandages and tubes too. A nurse walked in with flowers.
“Well, hi there,” she said smiling my way. “How’s Miss Lipton feeling?”
“Great! Will I ever be able to play the violin?”
“Sure, I don’t see why…ah, that’s a joke isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I admit, and point toward the flowers with my un-tubed hand. “For me?”
“Yes,” she said having forgotten she was holding them. She put the flowers on the bedside table and handed me a card. “This came with them.”
“When did I get here and what….?” I started to ask, but she motioned for me not to talk. She looked over at the woman next to me and then smiled. She mouthed the words - Read the card.
“You came in a few hours ago. I’m Sheila. Can I get you
anything? You thirsty?”
“No,” I said and quickly opened the card, all the time wondering which one of my teammates had written to me.
“Okay then,” she said and turned to leave. “Just buzz if you need anything.”
“Nurse,” the woman next to me said with great difficulty and a moan. She spoke like her jaw had been broken.