“What good would that do?”
“You’d be surprised. Putting your feelings down on paper helps you organize and filter through them so that you can focus on the issues and the answers. Like the diary I wanted you to keep. Have you started one yet?”
“No, not yet. I’ve been busy with the party, but that’s over now, so I promise I’ll start one today.” Or tomorrow, or next week.
“Tell me about these recent nightmares,” Kelly directed.
Trudie had another tickle in her throat that she tried to cough away. “The dreams are all the same,” she said, after clearing her throat. “Annie and I are posing for this picture and suddenly Leigh appears in a ghostly form, crying. I always wake up in tears at that point.”
“And what do you think it means?”
“It’s obvious. She disapproves. She doesn’t want me seeing other women.”
“Or, perhaps those were tears of joy. Perhaps she’s happy that you’re finally getting on with your life.”
“But how can I know for sure?”
“There are several things that might help. One is to write that letter and see what comes from that. Another is to invite Annie into your life, and if she’s accepting of Leigh, then I’m sure Leigh would approve. When a new love interest is unselfish enough to get to know your ghosts, including your deceased wife, not because she’s in a love haze, but because she truly cares about Leigh and what she meant to you, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.”
Trudie looked at the photo in her hands and wondered if Annie really was in a love haze. “Okay, Kelly. I’ll give it a try.”
This time, Kelly believed she really would try. “Listen, I have an opening on Wednesday at this time; why don’t I call you and see how things are progressing?”
“Sure, if you want to. I’ll be here,” Trudie said just before she coughed again.
“You better take something for that cold before you end up with something worse. With you being closed up like that, your immune system isn’t as strong as it would be if you were subjected to germs on a daily basis.”
“Oh. I hadn’t thought about that.”
“Did you get a flu shot this year?” Kelly asked.
“No. I haven’t had one in a long time. Didn’t see the need for one anymore. I guess that was poor planning on my part.”
“You need to have the Visiting Nurses Association come visit you.”
“The VNA? They make house calls for flu shots?” Trudie asked.
“Yes, I think so. Give them a call and find out. If not them, then ask your primary care doctor to send a nurse over.”
Trudie suppressed a cough. “All right, I’ll do that, thanks.”
***
“So, how did the party go Saturday?” Donny inquired.
“It was okay, I guess,” Annie half-heartedly replied. “Want another cup of coffee?” She walked over to the kitchenette and prepared a fresh pot of coffee, trying not to think about Saturday, yet resolute in what she had to do.
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
“Mom said that you two had a good visit Saturday. Thank you for that.”
“It was my pleasure. It was really good to see her again. Your mother is starting up a weekly card game and asked me to be her partner. Uh… is that okay?”
“Sure, Uncle Donny. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Uh, no reason.”
Annie picked up her cup and puffed on the steaming coffee. She took a sip, then carried it with her and sat down in front of Donny’s desk. She kept her eyes on her coffee cup.
“So, Uncle Donny. I’m resigning, effective today.”
“What the hell for? Wait, let me guess. It’s Trudie, isn’t it? What did you do now?”
“I caused a rift between her and her best friend. I never wanted to do that. It kills me that I came between them.”
“If you have that kind of control over Trudie, then yeah, you should end it.”
“I don’t have any control over anyone, and I don’t want it, either. I just wanted to be her friend.”
“Then stop acting stupid and be her friend. Jeez, girl, you can’t dictate what anyone will do, or how they will act. You just be yourself and stop all this self-doubting bullshit.”
One thing Annie could always count on from Donny was his bluntness. But he was right. She had been doubting herself, feeling guilty for something that wasn’t entirely her fault.
“Look, keep working the lower floors this week and see how it goes. The drama never lasts for long. Besides, one thing I learned from your Aunt Lily before she divorced me was that without the drama, the sex would be boring.”
“Oh, God. I seriously did not need that vision in my head this early in the morning.”
Donny held his head up as if daydreaming. “I think it’s a very nice vision,” he laughed. “So… you’ll stay on?”
“Yeah, I’ll stay on.”
“That’s my girl.”
Annie looked at the smile on Donny’s face and wondered if she was making a mistake. She was attracted to Trudie, there was no denying that. But Noella could make serious trouble for Donny, and he just didn’t see that. Was her attraction, her emerging friendship, her lust, worth risking Donny’s job? Worth coming between two friends? Worth giving up her way of life for Trudie’s?
“You know, I just can’t wrap my head around why anyone would lock themselves in prison on purpose for that long a time. I mean, I understand she witnessed her lover being stabbed to death, and of course that was very horrific for her. I know when I saw one of the guys in my unit get blown up by an IED, I was physically ill for days. I know it’s not the same. I just don’t understand why she doesn’t fight against her fears and live again. That’s what the company shrink told me that I should do.”
“No, it’s not the same thing,” Donny stated. “You expect death on the battlefield. But this was at her front door. He came into her inner circle of trust and ripped it from her, leaving the frightened shell of a woman you see now. We can’t know what she went through, what she’s still going through. If you want to understand why she chooses, if it’s even a choice now, to stay inside with her big dog, then walk a mile in her shoes. Get inside her fears and feel what she’s feeling. Feel her frustrations, her desires, her loneliness, and then you’ll understand.”
“Damn, Uncle Donny, when did you get so enlightened?”
“I have four sons, remember? You either suffocate them in their sleep or you let them evolve into themselves. Obviously I chose the latter.”
“There’s just one problem with your suggestion, Uncle Donny.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“I can’t walk a mile in her shoes if I never see her again.”
“Never say never, girl. Fate has a way of kicking you in the butt when you’re not looking.”
***
“Bon voyage, Mom and Dad,” Trudie cheered into the computer camera.
“Honey, are you coming down with a cold?”
“Mom, how did you know that?”
“I’m your mother, I know everything,” Louise joked. “Maybe we should postpone our cruise.”
Trudie’s father dropped his jaw and looked at Louise. “Are you crazy?”
“Good question, Dad,” Trudie said jovially. “I’ll be fine, Mom, it’s just a cold.”
“Call your sisters; get one of them to come stay with you for a few days.”
“Mom, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself,” Trudie insisted.
“All right, but call your doctor and get some medicine delivered.”
“I’ve got plenty of cold medicine here already. If it gets worse, I’ll call her and get some antibiotics.”
“Promise?”
“She said she would, Louise. Leave the poor girl alone,” Troy admonished.
“Thanks, Dad.”
Troy winked at her. “We’re leaving for the airport now. Text your mother later and let her know you’re all right or she’ll worry.”
“Of c
ourse, Dad. Just have a good time and send lots of selfies, okay?”
“Absolutely. Love you, kiddo,” Troy said.
“Love you too, Dad. And, Mom, please don’t worry, it’s just a cold, not the plague.”
Louise nodded and blew her a kiss. “Love you, honey.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
Trudie clicked off the camera and pulled up a Word doc. She looked at the blank page and sighed. “Okay, let’s write a letter.”
My darling Leigh,
I cannot articulate how badly I miss you. How badly I miss our talks, our adventures, and our lovemaking.
Trudie stopped and grabbed a tissue. “Oh, God, this is too hard.” She wiped her tears away and began to type again.
It’s so unfair that we didn’t have enough time together. I never thought of growing old with anyone else but you. And now… honey, what do I do now? I’m so lonely without you. I’m just so lonely. I guess, what I’m supposed to ask you is should I move on? I can’t. Can I?
Trudie leaned back and blew her nose. “This makes no sense.”
Leigh, sweetheart. You know I love you. I will always love you, no matter what. But I’ve met someone I would like to get to know better. Annie is dynamic in an unassuming way. When she walks into a room, there’s an aura about her that glows with excitement. She’s a lot like you in many ways, but then completely different, too. You are similar in that she’s in the Air Force, an MP just like you, although you had only just transferred to that unit three months prior. And like you, she looks fantastic in a uniform, and adheres to the same code of honor that you did. I think you two would have been best friends.
But here’s the thing. I liked her a lot even before knowing all of that stuff. It was an instant attraction, Leigh. An attraction that I guess I want your blessing on.
There. I said it. I want to live again, but I don’t know how to let you go, and I don’t know how to stop being afraid all the time. I don’t know how to love again…
Trudie couldn’t hold the tears back, and wept openly. She got up from the chair and walked to the living room window. Those windows were the gateway to her outside world more so than the Internet or her friends and family. Outside her windows, the river flowed to places unknown. There were some days that the clouds floated in the direction of the river, and some days they floated in the opposite direction. On those days, Trudie imagined it was Leigh pushing them back to her. Today, the clouds were drifting away. It broke her heart.
***
No sooner had Louise finished talking with Trudie than she picked up her cellphone and dialed the number to the real estate office. From there, she was given the number to the maintenance office in Trudie’s building.
“Yes, I’m trying to reach Annie. Um, I’m sorry but I don’t remember her last name.”
“Nichols,” Donny replied, looking over at Annie, who leaned forward at the mention of her last name.
“Yes, well, I’d like to speak with her please. This is Louise Youngblood, Trudie’s mother. Trudie lives on the seventh floor.”
“Yes, I know. Hold one moment, please,” Donny said, and handed the phone to Annie.
“Who is it?”
“I believe that it is fate calling,” Donny replied cryptically.
Annie stared at him for a moment and then took the phone. “Uh, hello. This is Annie Nichols.”
“Annie, we met Saturday. I’m Trudie’s mother, Louise, and I need a favor from you. I’m about to board a ship for Europe, courtesy of my daughter, so I’ll be quick. Please keep this to yourself, but Trudie has a cold and as I said, I’ll be in Europe. I just got off of a video call with my daughter and she is very pale, and very thin. Of course she’s always been too thin, even more so after… well, anyway, Trudie won’t ask her sisters to stay with her and Noella is also out of town, so I would appreciate it if you’d stop in and check on her in a couple of days.”
“Uh… I’m not sure…”
“It was unfortunate the way things transpired at the book signing, but that was not Trudie’s doing. Noella can be… overbearing at times. But she means well.”
“Surely Trudie has someone else she would prefer to check on her?”
“You would think that, wouldn’t you? Trudie only trusts a few people. You have become one of those people.”
“Really? Uh, I mean, she barely knows me,” Annie said.
“You work there. Trudie watched you work, and Lucy likes you. They both trust you.”
Annie smiled. “All right, Mrs. Youngblood. If you think she’s okay with it, I’ll be happy to check on her.”
“Thank you so much. I’ll feel much better knowing she has you to depend on.”
“Have a great time, Mrs. Youngblood,” Annie said, then handed the phone back to Donny.
“Well, what did she say?” Donny asked.
“You were right. Fate intervened.”
Chapter Six
The next day Trudie woke up with a fever, congestion, and a runny nose. Her cough was deeper and thicker. The chills would suddenly turn into flushing, leaving her to wonder if that’s what she had to look forward to with menopause. She was dressed in flannel pajamas, a warm terrycloth robe, and furry slippers. Her pockets were stuffed with tissue, and in one hand she held a bottle of Tylenol, and in the other, a bottle of water.
After she choked down the pills, she picked up her phone and dialed her maid to tell her not to come in that week. She was afraid the maid might catch her cold, and the apartment could go a week without cleaning. Then she heard the doorbell ring. She checked the monitor and opened the door.
“Wow, you look awful,” Deidra said.
“I feel awful, too,” Trudie replied, then blew her nose. She shuffled into the kitchen and got another bottled water from the refrigerator. “Want one?”
“No, thanks,” Deidra replied. “Here’s your mail. Seems to be more fan mail than usual today.”
“Thanks. It’s just advertisements. I don’t receive my mail directly; Noella filters it for me. Just throw them on the counter, and I’ll get to them later.”
Deidra dropped the stack of mail on the kitchen counter, just as Trudie sneezed into her tissue.
“Uh, no offense, but the less I’m exposed, the less likely I’ll get whatever it is that you have.”
Trudie laughed, which caused a coughing fit. “I completely understand. Lucy is on my bed.”
Deidra tilted her head. “You let her up on the furniture?”
“Just this one time. She radiates heat, which feels good on my aching bones.”
“Oh, makes sense,” Deidra replied, and then walked back to Trudie’s bedroom.
Trudie scanned the length of the island, searching for her Tylenol. When she didn’t find it there, she looked in all the cabinets and drawers. “Maybe I left it in the bedroom?” The over-the-counter cold medicine she had been taking was beginning to dull Trudie’s memory. When she walked back to her bedroom, she found Deidra holding a pillow to her face as if she were hugging it. “What the hell?”
Startled, Deidra dropped the pillow on the bed. Lamely, she explained, “You have the softest pillows I’ve ever felt.”
“Do you have a habit of picking up other people’s pillows?” Even through her fever-induced haze, Trudie thought that was just strange.
“What? No. Lucy was laying on it, so I was just brushing the hair off.”
“Oh. Well, thank you.”
Deidra clicked the leash on Lucy’s collar. “We’d better get going before Lucy does more than leave hair on your pillow.”
Trudie watched her lead the dog out of the room. I still think it’s odd.
*
Annie was working with another service tech fixing a light on the outside wall behind the building when she saw Deidra coming up the hill with Lucy. The dog pulled Deidra, who was wearing inline skates, up the small incline toward the back door.
Lucy came to a stop at Annie’s feet, and Annie began petting her. “Lucy, how are you, gi
rl?”
Deidra leaned against a pole and peeled the Velcro laces back and pulled off her skate. She kept her eyes on Annie as she pulled off the other skate. Then she pulled her tennis shoes out of her backpack and put them on.
“I don’t think you should be doing that,” Deidra said, as she tied her laces.
“Doing what?” Annie inquired, scratching behind Lucy’s ears.
“Messing with Trudie’s dog. She doesn’t like you.”
“Who, Lucy? She loves me.”
Deidra stuffed her skates into her backpack. “Trudie. Trudie doesn’t like you,” she proclaimed.
Annie stopped petting Lucy and stood up. “Why do you say that?”
“Because she was so angry with you, and then you made her cry.”
“I made her cry?” It pained Annie’s heart to think that she might have been responsible for causing Trudie’s tears.
“Yes, and I think you should stay away from her,” Deidra declared.
First Noella, now Deidra. It’s like the guards are circling to keep me from breaking into Trudie’s prison. Annie shook her head. “And I think that’s a decision Trudie should make.”
Annie wanted to ask how Trudie’s cold was, but she didn’t think the young upstart would tell her. She would just have to wait until morning, and see for herself.
Deidra yanked on the dog’s leash and pulled her toward the door. Lucy wasn’t too happy with that, so it took both of Deidra’s hands to get the dog to move. “Heel, Lucy!”
Annie suppressed a smirk. With her command voice, she said, “Lucy, go.” Lucy looked at her. “It’s okay, girl. Go with Deidra.”
Much to Deidra’s aggravation, the dog did as Annie asked.
Annie decided to check on Trudie after she clocked out, later that afternoon. She had been haunted all day by the thought that she had made Trudie cry, and she wanted to apologize even though she wasn’t sure what she had done. Beautiful women like Trudie had always had that effect on her. She’d apologize for the sun coming up if it meant any discomfort to the woman. Like her uncle said, she was very sensitive to others. She hadn’t always been that way. She had been a rough and tough teenager with something to prove, but she grew up fast when she went into the Air Force, and even more so when her father was diagnosed with cancer.
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