Her hands steadied as she took a deep breath.
She wasn’t afraid anymore.
Moving carefully, with precision, she went into her bedroom and tucked the address into the top drawer of her dresser underneath her socks and underwear then gathered up her things so she could take a bath. She’d write to her mother after dinner, when everyone else was busy and she could think about what she wanted to say.
Tage returned shortly after she’d gone downstairs and they sat down to eat a late dinner. The kitchen table was full to capacity. Even Shye had a chair of her own; she sat on four volumes of the old encyclopedia set from the living room bookshelf and beamed with happiness.
Jilly forked up her green beans and ate them one at a time, barely paying attention to the conversation. She had fooled herself into believing the faces surrounding her were her family, but she knew, like Gwen, she had only wished the idea to be fact. How could they love her, even if she loved them, when none of them knew who she really was?
“Did you hear that, Jilly?” Tage asked, reaching out to nudge her foot under the table.
“What?” She looked up.
“They thought Kane had been here Saturday night.”
Jilly gave a visible start. “Why?”
“Little pitchers have big ears,” Cat said, pointing toward Shye, who was perched on her stack of books like an animated chipmunk.
“Whatszat mean?” she asked, her tiny mouth hanging open with puzzlement.
Cat laughed. “I’m not exactly sure,” she admitted. “I suppose it means you should come and help me cut up the cake, while these guys talk. What do you think of that?”
Shye nodded her head, and Cat scooped her up and took her into the pantry.
“Tell her, Otto,” Tage said.
“We found three dead rabbits, noosed together with a wire around their necks out back near the barn.”
“Dead rabbits?” Jilly repeated, shocked.
“We thought it was Kane’s way of letting us know he was still around.”
“He wasn’t around here,” Jilly said.
“How do you know?” Gwen asked.
“We saw him at the commune,” Tage said, his voice grim and hard. “His business was there.”
“That’s the only business he has,” Jilly whispered. She swallowed. “I know who left that thing here,” she said a bit louder.
“You do?” Otto asked. “Who?”
“Reuben Payne, that’s who.” She proceeded to tell them, despite her promise to Cat, about meeting Reuben in town and his vow to get even with them all.
“Why didn’t you say anything before?” Otto asked. He held up a hand. “No. Don’t tell me. Cat wouldn’t let you, would she?”
“I wouldn’t let her what?” Cat asked, coming back into the kitchen carrying dessert plates and the cake. Shye tagged along behind her, frosting caught on her lower lip.
“Reuben,” Otto said shortly.
Cat thumped the cake onto the table. “Oh, Jilly! You didn’t!” she said. She looked around the table. “You did!”
“She had to,” Tage said. “That wasn’t Kane who left those sad animals by the barn. He was nowhere near here.”
Cat sat down abruptly in the chair beside Otto. “You’re sure?” she asked.
“We’re sure,” Tage said.
“Then it had to be Reuben,” Cat said. Her voice sounded tiny and scared. “I think I better—”
“You aren’t going anywhere,” Otto interrupted. “You’re staying right here where we can all keep our eyes open. If Reuben Payne is killing animals and leaving them here for a warning to you, the last thing you want to do is be alone where he could get at you.”
“We’ll all be extra careful,” Gwen said. “He’s obviously crazy.” She reached down and plunked Shye up into her chair.
“Cake?” Shye said. She picked up her fork and raised her eyebrows hopefully.
“Yes,” Cat said. She got to her feet and began serving. “Cake is what we all need right now.”
Jilly ate her cake slowly, trying to savor the sweetness as she always did, while the conversation swirled around her.
“You’re awfully quiet,” Gwen said to her.
“Hmmm,” Jilly said. “I guess I’m tired. Would you all mind if I went to bed?”
“Of course not,” Gwen said. “Why don’t you stay here, too, Tage? You’ve got to be exhausted.”
Tage looked at Jilly but she lowered her eyes. “I think I’ll go home,” he said. “Thank you for the dinner. It was delicious.”
Jilly stared down at her plate until she heard the front door shut.
“What in the world?” Cat exclaimed. Jilly saw her staring in disbelief at the closed door.
“I’m going to bed,” she said. “Excuse me.”
She didn’t wait around to hear what else they had to say, but darted upstairs and into her bedroom. She couldn’t worry about Tage right now. Every time she looked at him, she wondered if he was thinking about what Kane did to her, and that only served as a reminder to her. The whole thing was so mixed up, she didn’t know what to do.
Besides, she had a letter to write. She dug around in her sock drawer and pulled out the slip of paper with Jane Sandra’s last known address, then searched through her school supplies and retrieved a tablet and a pen. She sat down on the bed and folded her legs up Indian-style.
It wasn’t easy to begin. She chewed on the end of her pen and smoothed the address out with her finger. Maybe Jane Sandra was long gone from this address, but she wouldn’t know until she tried. After a few false starts, she wrote:
January 18, 1998
Dear Ms. Jane Sandra Beckinhide:
My name is Jilly Sanders and I am living her with your father in his house at Briar Rose. There is no easy way for me to say this except to come right out and tell you, so that is what I will do.
Sixteen years ago, when I was about a month old, my mother left me at the church in Briar Rose. That is the only information I have about myself. I came here looking for my birth mother, and I found out you left Briar Rose about the same time I was born.
I guess you can figure out why I’m writing to you. If you want to talk to me, you can contact me here at your father’s house.
Jilly gnawed the end of her pen, uncertain how to sign it. Should she write ‘with love’ or ‘best wishes’ or ‘warmly’? They all sounded stupid considering the content of the letter. Business-like, she thought, better to keep the whole thing business-like. She wrote: Sincerely, Jilly Sanders, and stared at the words until they blurred into squiggly black lines.
She looked up and refocused her vision. There was no sense putting off the inevitable. And it was inevitable; she couldn’t keep on living at Otto’s and pretending to everyone she was his granddaughter when she didn’t know for sure.
She creased the letter in half and went downstairs and got an envelope and a stamp from Cat.
Cat handed her both, not saying a word, and Jilly smiled at her gratefully. For one brief moment she wondered if she was doing the right thing. Gwen was safe upstairs with her two daughters, Otto and Cat were snuggling on the couch, and Tage . . . well, she’d make things up with Tage. She had to; she couldn’t imagine her life without him.
What harm would it do to keep on going the way they were?
The logical side of her brain kicked in: the harm was in losing the trust of the people she loved. The harm was in pretending to have a family when in reality they were only strangers.
She blinked away the quick hot burn of tears. Maybe . . . maybe they weren’t strangers to her or to each other, but she was a stranger to them.
There was still that hole in her belly, that empty place she’d been waiting her entire life to fill, the space she was saving for her real mother. She took the envelope to the table and with scratchy lettering, addressed it to Jane Sandra.
She had to find out. She had to.
She walked outside to the mailbox, slipped the letter inside, and lifted t
he red flag.
Chapter XXIV.
“Are you sick, Jilly?” Cat asked. She walked over and pressed her palm against Jilly’s forehead. “You don’t have a fever, but you sure are acting strange lately. You haven’t been right since you and Tage got back with Shye and that was weeks ago.”
“Four weeks,” Jilly said. She knew because she’d been waiting and watching each and every day for a reply to her letter.
But each and every day there had been no response.
“Let’s have a party,” Cat suggested.
“What kind of party?” Jilly asked. The slump of her shoulders indicated her lack of enthusiasm.
“Valentine’s party,” Cat said. “We can teach Shye to make valentines, and we can make cookies and invite Tage over. There’s something wrong between you two! I don’t know what, but this might smooth things over.”
“What are you talking about? There’s nothing wrong between Tage and me.” Jilly shuffled through the stack of mail she had brought in earlier. She flopped it down. She hadn’t missed anything.
“Gwen and I used to call you two Kibbles and Bits,” Cat said. She raised her eyebrows toward Jilly.
Jilly’s smile felt gaunt, but she made an effort. “Let’s have a party,” she said. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe that’s what everybody around here needs.”
“That’s the spirit! Now, I’ll gather up what we need to make cookies and valentines before Shye wakes up from her nap. That will give you enough time to walk over to Tage’s and invite him to the party.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to moan, Do I have to? but the look on Cat’s face sent her in search of her coat and out the door.
At least the sun was shining, she thought, as she took off down the road. With her luck, it should have been raining ice again! She reached Tage’s and walked up the curved driveway. His house was similar to Otto’s, only a bit more broken-down. She hadn’t been over here all that often, and the house loomed up suddenly in her vision. She didn’t even know if he was home; maybe he was working at the garage.
She went up to the front door and knocked.
“Come in!” a man yelled, but it wasn’t Tage’s voice.
Jilly’s first instinct was to hide, but before she could the door was hauled open and an older version of Tage stood in front of her.
“Hello?” he said. Then he smiled. “You must be Jilly. Tage has told me all about you. I’m Mackenzie Oakes, his father.”
She nodded mutely.
“Tage is out back chopping wood. I was fixing some hamburgers for lunch. Would you like to come in?” She still hadn’t spoken and he nervously rubbed his hand along the front of his shirt.
Jilly stared at him. She couldn’t get over how much he and Tage looked alike. Did all kids resemble their fathers? Did she? Why hadn’t she ever wondered what Tage’s father looked like before? She supposed in her mind’s eye, she’d had a picture of him as a bandit with a black patch over one eye.”Ummm, it’s nice to meet you,” she said, hoping her thoughts weren’t visible on her face.
He smiled at her. “Did you want to come in?” He nodded his head toward the living room. “I’ll go get Tage.” He left her standing on the doorstep, and wandered through the living room and into the kitchen to the back door.
“Hey,” Tage said to her when he came inside moments later; he was wearing a red flannel shirt, jeans, and boots. She’d forgotten how handsome he was. “You okay?”
“Oh, yes. I’m fine.” She felt even more flustered now that she knew his dad was home.
“My dad arrived early this morning,” Tage said. “Remember? I told you his release date was Friday the thirteenth.”
Mackenzie cleared his throat. “That’ll have to be our lucky day,” he said.
Tage grinned.
The expression on his face was so much like the way his face used to look when he looked at her, Jilly’s heart ached.
“Cat said to come over and invite you to a Valentine’s Day party she’s having tomorrow. You and your dad,” she said.
“Do you want me to come?” Tage asked quietly.
Did that mean he didn’t want to come? Despite her reservations, her head nodded seemingly of its own accord.
Tage looked at his father who shrugged. “We’ll come,” he told her. “I’d like you all to get to know my father. I told him how much time I’d been spending with all of you.”
Mackenzie nodded. “I want you all to know that I’m grateful for what you’ve done—keeping Tage from being too lonely and all.”
He looked embarrassed, and Jilly didn’t know what to say to him.
“Do you want to come in and visit for a while?” Tage asked.
Jilly shook her head. “No . . . . I’ve got to get back. I told Cat I’d help her make cookies, and we’re going to teach Shye to make some valentines.”
“Sounds like fun,” Tage said.
“Yeah, well . . . I’ll see you tomorrow. Nice to meet you, Mr. Oakes.” She turned around and was half-way down the steps when she heard Tage’s father step onto the porch.
“Call me Mackenzie, Jilly, or I’ll have to call you Ms. Sanders.”
She turned around and nodded, unable to smile at him, even though she wanted to, wanted to acknowledge his niceness. “Okay.” She waved goodbye. “Come tomorrow around five o’clock. We’ll have supper before the party.”
“Thank you. We’ll be there,” Mackenzie said.
Jilly turned around and fled. She hadn’t even said goodbye to Tage.
*
Shye fell in love with Mackenzie the minute she set her greening eyes on him. And as usual, she inspired the same sort of feeling in return.
“You love my ‘tine?” she asked, flirting outrageously when she gave him a heart-shaped valentine. “It’s lovin’ you,” she told him.
“I think,” Gwen said to Mackenzie, “I’m going to have trouble with her when she’s older.”
Mackenzie grinned.
Jilly could see, even if Gwen couldn’t, that the smile was directed solely at Shye’s mother, despite the fact Mackenzie seemed equally enamored of all three girls: Gwen, Shye, and Ariana.
“Jilly, you want to go for a walk?” Tage asked.
Otto and Cat and everyone else looked at her expectantly. There wasn’t much else she could do but agree.
The stars were out in full force—pinlights tacked into the dark sky—a perfect Valentine’s night. Jilly pushed her hands deeply into her coat pocket. “I think the party’s going well, don’t you?”
“Hmmm,” Tage agreed. They’d all picked up Otto’s humming habit.
They walked up the driveway and turned left on Chestnut Road without speaking another word to one another.
Finally Tage broke the silence. “Why don’t you talk to me anymore, Jilly?”
She didn’t look at him. “I talk.”
They walked on.
“I think we need to do something about what happened.”
She stopped and whirled around to face him. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t go getting huffy. What he did to you hurt you, Jilly.” He grabbed hold of her arm. “And you’re not getting over it, so don’t tell me you are!”
She yanked her arm away and started walking back toward the house. “If you ever tell anyone what I told you Tage Oakes, I’ll call you a liar!” She could hear the snow screeching under her boots. “And I don’t need to talk to anybody! Least of all you!” Her anger propelled her forward, and she left him behind.
She reached the house and flew through the front door. Without looking at anyone, she ran up the stairs and threw herself onto her bed.
Why did she have the feeling her whole life was unraveling and she was powerless to do anything to stop it?
Even worse, she suspected she was the one who had first tugged on the dangling string that held everything together.
Chapter XXV.
February slipped into March, and March disappeared into April. Jilly went around a
djusting the clocks for daylight savings time, and wondered if this speed up of time should signal an end to her wait for a response from Jane Sandra. The only good thing, and even that was wishy-washy, was that the letter hadn’t been returned. This had to mean it had arrived at that address, and if there had been no Jane Sandra at the address, somebody would have returned the letter. Of course, the letter must have shocked Jane Sandra. The thought that the daughter she had abandoned had tracked her down and, worse, wanted contact with her had to have scared her silly. Jilly knew if she was the mother, and she had received such a letter, she would take a long time to think before she answered.
The thought increased her melancholy, and she walked around the house listless and moody. Over the past few months Tage had made several overtures toward her, but she hadn’t been able to respond. Her reluctance was all tied up with her fright at the thought of what they would all do if they found out she might not be related to Otto. She’d brought them all together, but for what purpose? To have them torn apart?
There were times when she felt almost glad Jane Sandra hadn’t written back; it was almost like the woman was granting Jilly permission to continue the charade here at Otto’s. Her silence allowed Jilly to hide within herself, but that only served to give her reserved time to think about Kane and what he’d done to her. Visions of his violation of her appeared in the tiniest fragments of thoughts that flared up like flashing laser lights around her eyes, lights she tried to blink away when the memory became unbearable.
But there were other times, times when she wondered what was so unlovable about herself her own mother wouldn’t acknowledge her, that she felt an unhealthy sadness mingled with rage, and she wanted to find Jane Sandra and scream at her: Here I am!
Sometimes she felt as though she might be going crazy.
She was standing staring out the kitchen window at nothing at all when Gwen came up behind her and rubbed her shoulders. “You never smile anymore,” she said.
I Love You, Jilly Sanders Page 18