by Sienna Parks
“What the ever-loving fuck?” My heart hammers against my rib cage as I take in the sight of the unexpected visitor standing in the doorway.
She’s back.
Chapter Eighteen
ANNABETH
“You didn’t answer a single one of my messages.” I can see the whirlwind of emotions in his eyes, fighting for control.
“I’m the one in the wrong here? What do you want, Annabeth? It’s ten o’clock at night.”
“I want to explain.”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that now? Literally, and figuratively. The time to explain was before you left.”
“I promise it will all make sense.” His face is gaunt. The evidence of many sleepless nights, apparent in the planes of his features.
“I can’t do this, A.B. Not just now. If you care for me at all, please leave.” The defeat in his voice is something I’ve never heard before, and it scares me. Maybe I’m too late.
“I’m not going to force you to talk to me, Mad. I know you need time, but you have to know this – I’m never leaving again.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
“I did all of this for you… and for Rae.” Her name sparks anger. His brow furrowed as his gaze locks with mine.
“If you loved my daughter, you wouldn’t have left without a trace. She thought you were dead. That you’d gone to be with her granddaddy. Do you know how hard it was to tell her that I had no idea why you left? How difficult it was to watch her confusion? She thought she’d done something wrong - that she wasn’t enough.” Tears trickle down my cheek; the idea of hurting her in any way, is abhorrent to me.
“I do love her, Mad. I love you. Here… with you and Rae, is where I want to be.”
“I need you to go.” He closes the door, leaving me standing on the porch… lost and alone. This can’t be how our story ends. I won’t let that happen. I don’t care how long it takes, I’m going to prove to him that I’m here to stay. That I’m not going to leave, and that he can trust me.
I’ve waited as long as I can. Getting out of bed in the morning feels like a mammoth task. Maddox hasn’t reached out to me since I came back to town. I wanted to let him cool off and speak to me when he was ready, but it seems like my chance to make things right is slipping through my fingers. Today I’m going to talk to Jax, and see if he can help me get through to Mad. We’ve been in contact since the day I left, but I couldn’t tell him what was happening. It wouldn’t have been fair to expect him to keep something like that a secret from his best friend. Now, I need his help, if I have any hope of even getting in the same room as Mad.
I’ve been sorting the sugar packets on the table at Ellen’s for fifteen minutes when he arrives. “Thanks for meeting me.”
“We’re friends, A.B. I’m in your corner right now. He’s a miserable motherfucker without you.” My heart skips a beat, knowing that Mad has felt my absence.
“But, he still won’t talk to me.” Jax slides into the booth, signaling to Ellen for his usual breakfast.
“Can you blame him? You haven’t even tried to explain what happened. I know he didn’t answer your calls when you left, but why aren’t you camped out on the porch?”
“I went straight to the ranch from the airport. He made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to hear what I have to say.”
“So? Don’t take no for an answer.”
“I was giving him space.”
“Well, enough already. He’s unhappy – you’re unhappy. Rae misses you. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I did it for them… because I love them.” The thought of how much pain I’ve caused, is a dagger to my heart.
“Really? That sounds like a lame excuse. I’ve told him to hear you out, but it’s hard to make him listen when no one has any idea what you were doing all that time.”
“I left to help Sam.” I watch as his anger descends like a black cloud.
“Start talking, A.B. I wouldn’t piss on that bitch if she was on fire. Why the hell would you choose to help her?”
“You saw how much Mad was struggling with the thought that he would be responsible in some way if Sam died. I sat up talking about it with him, night after night. He was so worried that Rae would resent him when she’s old enough to understand. He made the decision not to let her be a donor, and no matter how much I tried to reassure him, I could see it was killing him.”
“What did you do, A.B.?”
“I made some calls and got her in treatment with the top specialist in New York.”
“And what do you get out of it?”
“I made a deal with her. The letter Maddox got after she disappeared again – was because of our arrangement. I told her I would help her get treatment and find a donor, and in return, she agreed never to contact Maddox or Rae again.”
“Holy fuck!”
“Now you see why I couldn’t tell him? He wouldn’t have let me go through with it. He and Rae have been through enough. I didn’t want him to carry the burden of his decision around with him for the rest of his life.”
“But you risked losing him.”
“Yes. I love him, and I love Rae. I wanted her to have the option to meet her mom and know where she came from. I couldn’t bear the thought of her having that taken away from her, and I wouldn’t give Sam the satisfaction of dying – leaving Maddox to drown in misplaced guilt. I’d rather lose him than watch him suffer like that.”
“A.B… I don’t know what to say.” He reaches for my hand across the table; his show of support a much-needed balm to soothe my soul.
“Say you’ll help me get him back.”
“Tell me what you need me to do.” We sit for hours, talking over every aspect of the past two months. I start at the beginning and explain everything. It feels so good to tell someone. I’ve been carrying this weight around this whole time, and I didn’t realize just how much it was crushing me. Jax fills me in on what’s been happening here. It’s not easy to hear how badly my actions have affected not only Maddox, but Rae as well. I can only hope and pray that knowing the truth will restore Mad’s faith in me.
Today is D-Day. Jax has arranged to get Pops and Rae off the ranch, leaving Maddox alone. I’m going to make him listen to me. Jax text me a little while ago, to say that Mad was heading up to the barn renovation, on the far side of Mustang. There’s nowhere for him to run.
When I pull into the driveway, my stomach is churning with anticipation. I haven’t laid eyes on Maddox since the night I came back; the memory of his rejection burned into my brain. I take a few minutes to compose myself before heading for the stables. There’s a horse, saddled and ready for me to ride. Jax has been so supportive since I told him everything. I’m lucky to have him in my corner.
As I ride out into the open field, my heart gallops toward Maddox – to my future.
The sun splits the sky, the afternoon heat warm on my back, as I make the once familiar journey to the old barn. Maddox and I used to sneak up here when we were in high school, far from the prying eyes of our families. I lost my virginity in that barn, on a rare, cold Texas night. Maddox surprised me with a picnic and blankets by candlelight. It was a magical time in our lives, exploring so many firsts together. Even back then, Mad could take my breath away.
As the barn comes into view, I’m flooded by hundreds of fond memories. This place was the backdrop for my childhood. It looks different now – completely refurbished, but it remains a prominent reminder of laughter and love. I can see Artemis running freely in the adjacent field. Strong and fierce, just like his rider.
I slow my horse to a trot, anxious not to alert Maddox to my arrival. A part of me wants to turn and run, the gravity of the situation dawning on me, as I get closer and closer to the truth. This is a moment that will define the rest of my life. There’s a strong possibility that Mad isn’t going to forgive me for what I’ve done. If that’s the case, then all of my hopes and dreams will be dashed in a single second.
A
swarm of hostile bees awaken in the pit of my stomach, and I can only pray that I’ll keep my breakfast down. I let my horse into the paddock, and take a few deep breaths. I can hear Maddox in the barn. My heart is pounding so hard; my palms clammy. The sight of Maddox, shirtless and working up a sweat, only serves to intensify my nerves.
“Mad…” His body stiffens at the sound of my voice, his gaze zeroing in on me like a laser beam. He’s lost for words, pain and fear etched in his brow. I take a moment to compose myself before I continue. “I’m so sorry… for everything.” His head drops in defeat.
“Sorry? Do you really think an apology is going to make what you did any better?”
“No. I just need you to give me five minutes of your time. I want to tell you what happened.”
“You want to tell me… it’s always about what you want. Did you once stop and think about what I want?”
“I did all of this for you, and for Rae. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It’s not the same as when we were kids, Mad.” I can feel the tension radiating off him in waves, filling the space around us. It’s hard to breathe – the air being sucked out of me as I steel myself for battle.
“Wow. You’re delusional if you think that leaving us was anything but selfish and cruel.” I’m suddenly overcome with righteous indignation.
“If you were brave enough to listen to me…”
“Brave? You don’t know the first thing about it. You run the second things get uncomfortable for you. Courage is about standing up for what you want, even if it’s hard.”
“Now, wait just a Goddamn minute, Maddox Hale. I came here to tell you what happened, so just shut up and listen to me.” He’s dumbfounded by my candor. I walk over to where he stands, hands fisted at his sides; the rise and fall of his chest, betraying his calm exterior. “I couldn’t bear seeing how much you were struggling with the decision not to help Samantha.”
“What the fuck does she have to do with anything? You got spooked because my ex came back into town? If you’d stuck around long enough, you would know that she’s gone… for good.”
“I know.”
“What do you mean, you know?”
“I’m the reason she left.” He strides toward me, anger shrouding him.
“Start talking.” I pace the barn like a caged animal. The right words escape me.
“Remember I told you that I lost a patient? Jennifer.”
“Yes.”
“She died because we didn’t find her a donor heart. I saw what that did to her family. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to you and Rae.”
“What did you do, Annabeth?”
“You need to know, that I love Rae, and I only wanted what’s best for her.” His arm reaches out to stop me pacing, pulling me toward him. “I left to help Sam.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I couldn’t let you live with the guilt. You don’t deserve that. She put you in an impossible position, Mad. You did the right thing – but as many times as I told you that, I could see it in your eyes, every time you looked a Rae. I thought if I could help her, then you wouldn’t have her death on your conscience, and Rae would have the option to meet her mom when she’s older.”
“What makes you think I want Sam to be a part of Rae’s life?”
“I know you, Mad. If she came to you ten years from now, wanting to know her mom, you would move heaven and earth for her. It would destroy you to tell her that the possibility had been taken away from her, because of a decision you made.”
“I did what I thought was best for Rae. I couldn’t risk her life.”
“I know that. But, I couldn’t risk your conscience. Like I said, I think you made the right decision, but I knew you would struggle with it, and I had the ability to help ease your burden.”
“Why couldn’t you tell me?”
“Would you have let me do it if I’d told you? Be honest.” He pauses for a moment, and I can see his internal struggle.
“Of course I wouldn’t have let you. Why would I willingly let Sam come between us?”
“If you can’t forgive me – she wins. I made her promise that in exchange for my help, she would never bother you or Rae again.”
“The letter…”
“Yes. The night I left, she authorized her attorney to send it. I couldn’t tell you. You would have stopped me, and you would have lived with this impossible situation.”
“Because it was my choice to make. Not yours. You had no right to go behind my back.” My stomach churns, terrified that I’m going to lose him all over again.
“I wanted to protect you… and Rae.”
“I don’t get it, A.B. Why would you help Sam, when you were getting so close to Rae?”
“Because I don’t want to replace an absent, or worse, dead mom. I want to earn my own place in her life. Being a mother is DNA, but being a mommy is so much more than that. I want to be a part of your lives, on my own merit. Not because I ignored the needs of a dying woman. I took an oath to do no harm. Doing nothing, would do more harm than any of us could handle.” His eyes soften as I take a step closer.
“I had to do this for you, and for me. I was so messed up after I lost Jennifer. I had the means to stop someone else from losing their life because they were waiting for a miracle.”
“What happened?”
“I got her into a treatment facility in New York. One of the top specialists is a friend of mine. She didn’t wait around to hear her options. Ignorance would have killed her. Patients can live for years with the right treatment, and hopefully in that time, a kidney match becomes available. Sam hadn’t been having any treatments, so she was in poor health when she came to town looking for Rae.”
“Where is Sam now?”
“She’s still in New York. I thought I might have to stay there for years, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to return to you and Rae. Don’t think for a minute, that I wasn’t terrified that I would be too late and you would have moved on. But, Jax told me you were considering getting tested as a donor. I knew you wouldn’t be a match.”
“Is she worth that sacrifice?”
“You’re worth the sacrifice. I love you more than anything in this world, Mad.”
“So much that you would leave me, again? Give up everything we have?”
“If it meant that you and Rae were safe and happy.”
“How the fuck are we supposed to be happy – without you?” A glimmer of hope appears in the darkness.
“I’m right here, asking you to believe me. I’m never going anywhere ever again.”
“How can I trust you?” I take his hand in mine, the warmth of his skin giving me the strength to fight.
“Because I put my trust in you. I put my faith in us. I left, knowing that our love is strong enough to withstand any storm. You’re it for me, Mad. I did what I had to do. Sam would always have been in the background – dead or alive. Can’t you see that? I want a fresh start for us. A chance to build a life and a family together. Please, give me one last chance.”
“How is Sam now?”
“We got our miracle, Mad. She got a living donor kidney. She’s recovering well.” I can feel his relief; I can see it in the slump of his shoulders. “The odds of her getting a match so quickly, were astronomical. I have to believe that the universe is finally giving you and me the chance we deserve. I could have been stuck there for years, and you know she never would have let me come back to you. This was a sign, Maddox. That you and I are meant to be.”
“I don’t believe in that shit. You do what you do, and live with the consequences.”
“I own my mistakes. But, this wasn’t one. I did the right thing. I’m a doctor. I save lives. That’s what I signed up for. I ensured that Rae never had to live with the knowledge that her kidney could have saved her mother’s life. I would do it again. I want to build a life with you, but, if you can’t forgive me for loving you, then so be it. One day maybe you’ll understand that I did this for you.”
I turn on my heels and walk away, praying that he’ll stop me – but he doesn’t. Defeated and heartbroken, I mount my horse, and head for the stables. I ride as hard, and as fast as I can; the sun beating down on me as I unleash all the pent-up frustration and despair that I’ve been holding onto. Tears flow freely as I face the prospect of a new path ahead. One without Maddox and Sally Rae.
As the houses appear on the horizon, I hear an excruciating shriek pierce the silence. It takes me a moment to realize it’s coming from me. I’ve lost everything I ever wanted. Selfless or selfish, it doesn’t matter now. I’ve lost them. The man I love, and the daughter I’ll never have.
“A.B.!” I hear his voice in the distance. It builds in a crescendo – louder, closer, ending in a cacophony of sound. My name falling from his lips, over and over again. Artemis comes galloping toward me, a stallion riding into battle. “A.B., are you okay?” Within minutes he pulls up alongside me; out of breath, his features tortured as he looks me up and down. “I heard you screaming. I thought something terrible had happened. I thought I was going to die of fear.” I wipe the tears from my eyes, unable to look at him.
“Something terrible did happen.”
“What? Do you need an ambulance? Are you hurt?”
“Physically, I’m okay. But, I don’t know how to move on. I’ve loved you since I can remember, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. How do I let you go?”
“You don’t. That’s what I was coming to tell you. I was wrong, stubborn, and hurt. But, dammit, A.B., I can’t quit loving you. Never did. Never will. You’re the one I want to grow old with.” He leans over and grabs my head, pulling me toward him. His lips find mine in a furious and desperate kiss. He lifts me from my horse with ease, settling me in his lap, before licking the seam of my lips with his tongue. Begging for permission, which I give freely. “Don’t ever leave me again. I won’t survive it.”
“I’m not going anywhere. This is for keeps, Mad. It almost killed me to risk it all. I can’t do it again.” I wrap my arms around his neck, my legs straddling him. “I love you.”