by Sienna Parks
When I arrive in Texas, I’m weary. I feel it in every bone of my body, in every fiber of my being. I switch my phone on just long enough to check Google for a decent hotel in the area. I hail a cab and make my way to the local Hilton, upset that my phone had no messages, and I know that’s selfish. Once I’ve checked in and gotten my key card, I make my way up to my modest room. As I open the door, it hits me just how different this is from my time spent with Carter in Italy. We were surrounded by beauty, love, and laughter. Now I am alone, pregnant, and broken-hearted. I let the full impact of what I’ve done sink in; crawling up onto the bed, using all my energy to pull back the crisp white sheets and cocoon myself inside of them. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I stay in the room for a week, without setting foot outside the door. The only time I leave the bed is to puke or open the door for room service. My face is permanently red and puffy, my eyelids are almost swollen shut, my nose hurts from endless tissues and I have a constant headache from the sheer exertion of crying. It’s only after a week of this that I find the strength to drag myself into the shower, and take a good long look at myself in the mirror. I can see the small changes in my body, the slight swell of my normally flat stomach, and the fullness of my breasts. It’s then that I pull myself out of my pity party and make a plan.
I need a job, an apartment, and a life.
The night I left, I sent Lily a text telling her that I would be traveling for a while and not to worry. She was still on her honeymoon and I didn’t want to worry her, or ruin it for her. As soon as she got back and found out from Carter what had happened between us, she inundated me with phone calls, texts, and countless voicemails begging me to contact her. When she found the note in my apartment, she left me a message sobbing her heart out, begging me to come back and sort things out. I haven’t been able to call her. It’s too painful, and still too raw. If I heard her voice right now I would confess everything and she would have me back in New York before I could blink. But I can’t ignore her, she’s my best friend, so I’ve taken to short emails, letting her know that I’m doing okay, and that I’ve made a friend here who keeps me sane with her brand of insanity. Her name is Sarah. She works at the same bar I’ve been working at since I arrived. She’s really nice and she knows a little of my situation, but never judges.
I don’t know why I chose Texas – maybe because Lily grew up here before she moved to New York… or maybe because it was the next flight out after Delaware! Either way, I feel like I still have a part of my best friend with me as I take in the sights and smells of the city, wondering what her life was like here with her dad.
She always replies to my emails within ten minutes of receiving them, always signing off with the same heartfelt plea – please come home, Addi. I miss you and I love you. It makes me cry every time, and it doesn’t help that my hormones are all over the place.
I’m three months along and the pregnancy is going well. I’m eating healthily, nurturing our baby growing inside me in any way I can. I’ve found a nice local doctor who’s been monitoring the progress of me and the baby, giving me regular check-ups and my first ultrasound. Seeing the baby for the first time on the monitor was unbelievably emotional; being able to see what Carter and I created together. I feel so close to him when I lie my hand on the almost imperceptible bump of my stomach. I find myself lying for hours at a time, remembering his touch, his voice, the way he loved me with everything he had. It’s gotten easier to do that. At first I was so distraught I couldn’t hold onto the memories for any length of time. I was worried I was forgetting everything, except the hole in my chest where my heart used to be; the heart I left in New York, with him. Not thinking about him was worse than thinking about him, so eventually I let myself feel, let myself remember, and now those quiet moments are what I cherish most.
I have a cute little one-bedroom apartment close to the bar. It’s not a palace by any stretch of the imagination, but it has everything I need. The town is small, and everybody knows everybody. I grew up knowing that these sorts of towns exist, with populations barely reaching into the thousands, but this is the first time I’ve actually experienced it firsthand. It’s comforting to be taken in and accepted by everyone, especially when you’re on your own and trying to make a home for yourself. My co-workers are great, Sarah and I are usually on shift together so we have some laughs to pass the time. We’ve become quite the team now, and the regulars love our crazy banter. Sarah helped train me, teaching me how to pull the perfect beer, how to make cocktails, and pretty much everything else that comes with the job. Having never worked a bar before, I am so grateful that they took a chance on me. I’m a quick study too, so I had it all down pat in less than a week.
My manager Hank is an eternal flirt, quite a bit older, and super protective of me and my bump. Gladly I’m not really showing yet, but I thought it best to tell him straight off the bat. He’s like my own personal bouncer. Whenever a customer gets a little over friendly, or the place gets a bit rowdy, he’s there in a heartbeat, watching over me, looking out for me. He’s become like a brother in the few weeks I’ve known him.
When I’m not working, I’m reading up on pregnancy, the do’s and don’ts, and what to expect when it comes to the birth. It’s sad reading about the things you and ‘your partner’ can do together, knowing that I will have to face the biggest moment of my life alone. It terrifies me. It makes me want to run back to Carter, beg for his forgiveness and confess the real reason I left. But every time I find myself staring at his number, I remind myself why I did what I did. I wanted him to have the life he wants, the life he deserves. Kids were never part of his plan, and I couldn’t corner him and force it on him. I tried that with Gavin and look how that turned out. Two days after Gavin found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t pregnant anymore… just the way he wanted it.
I lie awake at nights thinking about that baby. What it would have looked like, whether it would have been a boy or a girl, would it have looked like me? Questions I will never know the answers to. I was young and naïve, not strong enough to stand up for what I wanted. I wasn’t ready to be a mom, but I would have worked it out; I would have done my very best to be a great mom for my baby, but I never got the chance. That’s why I just couldn’t terminate this pregnancy. I never planned to have kids, especially after what happened with Gavin, but as soon as I knew that a life was growing inside me, a life that Carter and I created together, in love, I felt like a mom.
The hardest thing I have ever done, was walk away from Carter. Any of life’s trials that may come my way from this point on will never be as brutal as that moment. I would take a thousand beatings from Gavin before I would want to relive telling Carter I didn’t love him. I needed for him to believe me, but at the same time, I wanted to scream at him – HOW COULD YOU DOUBT MY LOVE FOR YOU, EVEN FOR A SECOND? It’s something I’ve struggled with every night as I lie my head down on the pillow, next to an empty space, where he belongs. Every night is the same, falling asleep with tears dripping down onto the soft cotton sheets, as I let myself remember his touch, his smell, and the way I felt when I was in his arms, warm, safe and content.
CARTER
“This has got to fucking stop… now.”
“You don’t have to shout, Xander. For fuck’s sake.”
“I’m not shouting. You’re just so hung over that a fucking fly would sound loud to you right now.”
I open my eyes to take in my surroundings. Shit. I completely trashed my office last night and then slept on the goddamn couch. Could I be any more pathetic?
“Come on. You’re coming back to my place.”
“You don’t have to do that man.”
“Well, apparently I do. You don’t seem to be getting your shit together by yourself, so hurry the fuck up and let’s go.”
“I need to clean this place up first.”
“No, you don’t. I’ve already organized for one of the staff to do it, and I’ve offered them double pay to keep it quiet.”
&nb
sp; My body sags, exhausted from trying to deal with everything alone for the past month. “Okay. Thanks, Xander.” I follow him out, a living breathing zombie. A shadow of my former self.
His car is parked out front and I literally crawl into the back of the big SUV, passing out as soon as my face hits the cool black leather seats. It must only be a ten-minute drive to Xander and Lily’s apartment from the club, but I’m jolted awake by the door opening and the sun streaming in.
“Fuck.”
I stumble into their building, Xander propping me up in the elevator to stop me from collapsing under the weight of my own body. When the door swings open, I’m greeted with the sight of Lily pacing the floor, worry etched on her brow. She turns to see me, limp and pathetic at her husband’s side.
“Oh my God, Carter.” She rushes over and pulls me into a tight, heartfelt hug. “I’ve been so worried about you. Are you okay? Come and sit down. I’ll make you something to eat.”
My voice is a gruff whisper. “I can’t eat anything right now. Maybe I could just have a shower and crash for a bit? Sorry to put you out like this.”
Her tiny, warm hand cups my cheek, caressing it with her thumb. It’s a tender gesture and I appreciate the show of affection. “You’re not putting us out. I’m glad you’re here. Anything you need, Carter, honestly. I’ll go get some towels and put the shower on in the guest bathroom for you. It’ll just take a minute. I’ll be right back.”
As I watch her scurry off down the hall, my heart aches, remembering her and Addi together. She’s hurting, too, and it’s my fault. I pushed her best friend to leave everything behind. She couldn’t even stand to stay in the same State as me. I should have been the one to go. To let her keep her life and her friends here in New York. I hate to think of her, wherever she is, alone, with nothing of her former life to hold on to.
Xander comes over with an espresso held out to me. “Think you might need this. I’m not coming in the shower with you to keep you upright. I love you, man, but I draw the fucking line at that.”
I manage a small laugh before gulping down the steaming hot shot of coffee. “Understood.” Lily appears, telling me the room is ready, and that she’s laid out some of Xander’s clothes for me to change into after my shower. “I can’t thank you enough, Lil. I really appreciate everything you guys have put up with from me over the past few weeks.”
“We’re not just friends, Carter, we’re family. Don’t ever forget that.” With a nod and a strained smile, I head down the hall and into the guest room.
I strip off my clothes, thinking I should just burn them after last night. The thought of that girl all over me, and calling her that, fuck, it makes my skin crawl. I throw them into the laundry bin before stepping into the shower. No amount of water can wash away how gross I feel. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my life, for a lot of different reasons, but I have never tried to pretend they were someone else. And I have NEVER called anyone Tesoro before. It was special, just for Addi, and last night I turned it into something dirty and meaningless.
As I let the water wash over me, I think back over the past four weeks. I’ve done and said so many things that I’m not proud of; used so many women. Let everything around me, including my friendships, crumble. I am a fucking sorry excuse for a man at the moment. No wonder Addi ran away.
I don’t even bother to dry off. I just drop face first onto the bed and fall asleep, completely naked, on top of the covers, sunlight still streaming in through the windows. It’s a small comfort to know that I’m not alone in the apartment. This place might not be my home, but it feels like a home, and the low hum of people I love talking and getting on with their lives in another room is a welcome sound as I drift off into a dreamless sleep.
When I wake in unfamiliar surroundings, I don’t have the same panic that has plagued me of late. I’m not drunk, and I know where I am. I can hear familiar voices coming from the living room – Xander, Lily and… Vittoria? What is she doing here? I quickly dress in a pair of jeans and plain fitted black T-shirt of Xander’s that Lily left out for me. I doubt he’ll want these jeans back after my junk has been commando in them. I’m certainly not wearing his fucking boxers. That would be tantamount to rubbing our junk together. Fuck that! I’ll buy him a new pair of jeans. I grab the cons I was wearing last night and make my way out to the living room.
“Feeling any better?” Lily looks concerned, and it warms my heart that she still cares about me after I drove her best friend away.
“I feel a million times better. Thanks, Lil. It was nice to wake up in a bed for a change. And thanks for the clothes. I think I’ll just incinerate what I had on yesterday.” She looks at me with a confused frown. “The less said about that the better. Some things I just don’t want to know.”
“Come sit down with us. I think it’s time we had a conversation.”
“Oh fuck. Are you guys doing an intervention? I’ve really hit an all-time low now.”
Xander laughs. “It’s not an intervention. Calm the fuck down. We’re all worried about you, and I have some… information, that I think, if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll want to know.”
“I remember you said you know where she is. She doesn’t want me, man. I need to start coming to terms with that without giving myself liver disease. She moved away from everything she loved to get away from me, and if she wanted me to know where she was, she would have contacted me by now.” I slump down onto the couch next to Vittoria.
“Hey, Tori. It’s so good to see you. Wish it was under better circumstances, but it’s great that you’re here.” She cuddles into my side, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“I love you, Carter. You’ve always been there for me, and now I’m going to do the same for you. Addi and I were close before she left. She and I… understand each other. I know you saw it in her, the same brokenness that I had… have. There’s more going on here, I can feel it.”
I pull her tight to me. “I appreciate that, sis, but she made her decision. I pushed her too far and she snapped. She didn’t love me. End of.”
She wrestles out of my arms, rearing up; exasperation on her delicate features. “She loves you. How could you lose sight of that? There is obviously something else going on here, Carter. She needs you. I know you’re hurting but you need to go and get her back. Bring her home, where she belongs, with you.”
Lily cuts in. “She’s right, Carter. I have never seen Addi so in love with someone. She is head over heels for you. I know it! I don’t know what she was thinking, or what’s going on, but I need you to go and bring her home. Please. She belongs here with you, with us.”
“I don’t know, Lil. She had a lot of issues after Gavin, but she told me everything that happened with him, and I thought we had moved past it.”
“What happened with Gavin? It’s obviously more than him just cheating on her. Isn’t it?” Her voice is distressed, her mind probably racing, contemplating the awful possibilities.
“Yes, is the short answer to that. I think she was ashamed, and didn’t want you to think less of her. I can’t go into more detail. It’s her story to tell and I can’t break that trust. Maybe if she had confided in you, you would have been able to help her in a way I obviously couldn’t.”
“It’s not your fault.” Vittoria interjects.
“I thought she trusted me enough to tell me anything. I was wrong. I failed her, Tori. The same way I failed you.”
Vittoria grabs my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her.
“You listen here, Carter de Rossi, and listen well. YOU DID NOT FAIL ME! You were fourteen years old for God’s sake. There is no way you could have known what was going to happen. There was no way any of us could have known what he was capable of. You...” Tears fill her eyes as she continues. “You saved me, Carter. So many times, I could never possibly repay you. Every night you sat with me, wrapped me up in blankets and rocked me to sleep, singing to me to chase away my demons. I could never have lived through all of t
hat without you. You have been my rock, my constant. I know that you’ve carried your own demons from that day, and that it’s effected your relationships or lack thereof with women. Do you have any idea how happy it made me to see you with Addi? You love her with complete abandon - 100% all in. I know what it took for you to do that, and how hard this must be. But think, Carter… think? Please, look back at your time with her before the night she left, and ask yourself honestly, do you really believe that she doesn’t love you? That she never loved you? Siete due corpi, ma un’anima sola.” [You are two bodies, but one soul.]
In an instant, every memory of Addi flashes before my eyes. All the times she said she loved me. The way our bodies moved so intuitively together, molded as if by fate – a perfect fit. And then it slams into my chest like a Mack Truck. How did I not see it before? There were so many times in Italy when she was trying to tell me, pleading with me to remember, no matter what, that she loves me. Holy fucking shit! She was planning to leave me when we were in Italy. This had nothing to do with me asking her to move in. Vittoria’s right. There’s something else going on. A rush of adrenaline courses through my veins, jolting me back to life for the first time in a month.
My voice is low and measured.
“Xander… where’s my girl?”
ADDI
I’m working tonight, and I’m already completely and utterly exhausted. I’ve been sick more than usual today but I’ve dragged myself out of bed to make my shift on time. I know Hank would have given me the night off, but I need the distraction and routine that working in the bar provides. I still have access to all my accounts and daddy’s money, but I need to start taking responsibility for my own life. When things settle down, I’m going to try and find an advertising job in the city, but for now the bar is just what I need.