by Sienna Parks
We spend an hour with Verona, talking to her, looking at her, and just watching her breathe. The nurse came by at one point, and told us she’s doing well, and they’re feeling positive about her chances. I know it’s still early, and anything could happen, but I can just feel it; I know she’s going to pull through this. She’s a little fighter. The only reason I agree to leave her and go back to my room is because I’m in a lot of pain after sitting up for so long, and Carter insists. He lifts me back into my bed, and I just want to cling to him and never let go.
“You shouldn’t be lifting me with a broken hand.”
He lets out a small chuckle. “You weigh about sixty pounds, Addi. I think I can handle it.”
“Don’t make me laugh, it hurts.”
“Sorry. No more fun. I promise.”
Once I’m settled in and he’s rearranged my pillows and covers about ten times, he sits beside me and takes my hand in his.
“Carter. I never thanked you.”
He looks puzzled. “For what?”
“For saving my life.” He furrows his brow, obviously uncomfortable thinking about what happened. “The doctors and nurses told me what you did; that if you hadn’t stepped up and refused to give up on me, I wouldn’t be here. There is nothing I will ever be able to do to repay you for that. You gave me the opportunity to meet Verona; to tell her I love her; to tell you how much I love you, and how eternally sorry I am for all the heartbreak I’ve caused.” He lifts my hand to his lips, planting a firm kiss on my palm.
“Addi, the fact that you’re alive is all I will ever need. A part of me died when your heart stopped beating. My world became silent in that moment. It became meaningless without you. I never want to feel that way again.”
“I’m so sorry, Carter.”
He squeezes my hand a little tighter. “Don’t ever apologize to me, Addi.”
“I’ve put you through so much. I pushed you away; I ruined what we had.”
His eyes are on fire. His gaze burning into my soul. “We both said and did a lot of things that were just fucking stupid. When I thought that the last thing I would ever have said to you was that we couldn’t be together… that love wasn’t enough… I was devastated. I don’t care about any of that shit. We have a second chance to be together, to be a family, and to make the most of the time that we have. It’s a gift, Addi, and I’m not going to squander it. You’re stuck with me.”
“Fine by me. I love you, Carter. I noticed that all of the doctors and nurses think I’m your wife.” He rolls his eyes in a playful way, before his face becomes pensive. He sits for a moment and then reaches into his pocket, pulling something out, holding it tight in his fist. His gaze locked on mine.
“Whether you ever get to the point where you let me sign a piece of paper to make it legal, or not, you are already my wife, in every way that matters.” He opens his fist to reveal a huge emerald cut ruby ring, set in platinum. “This isn’t an engagement ring, Addi. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m never going to ask that of you. If you want to make it official at some point down the road, then you’ll need to ask me. As far as I’m concerned, you are my wife.”
He slides the stunning ruby onto my ring finger on my left hand, before kissing the tip of my finger.
“You are mine, Addison Warner, and I’m yours. I vow to be the best non-husband, husband, and the best father I can possibly be. I vow to love and protect you and our precious baby girl with every last breath I have in my body. Nothing and no one will ever tear us apart. We are a family now – you, me, and Verona.”
He moves his chair out of the way, dropping down to one knee.
“I’m here, on my knee, offering you every part of myself, Addi - 100% all in. Do you accept that?”
I’m overwhelmed by this amazing man, putting his heart on the line for me… again.
“Yes.” It’s all I can choke past the lump in my throat, but it’s all he needs.
“I love you so much. I swear I’m going to chain you to my fucking side from now on, so I know you’re safe. You okay with that?”
“Chains? You know I love it when you talk dirty to me!” That lightens the mood.
“Even when you’re incapacitated you’re still a hot little minx. I’m going to have the worst case of blue balls by the time I’m allowed anywhere near you.”
“You’re such a jackass.” I can’t help but laugh at the playful look on his face.
“But I’m your jackass, and you love me.”
“That’s true. I do love you, my non-hubby.” I glance down at my non-engagement, wedding-type ring. “When did you buy this?”
“Remember when we were in Florence, on the Ponte Vecchio?”
“Oh My God. You’ve had it all this time?” There’s a vulnerability in his smile that completely slays me.
“Yes.”
“You kept it, even when I walked out on you.” My heart breaks at how badly I screwed up.
“Of course. You’re it for me, Addi. I held onto it, hoping like a schmuck that you would come back to me.”
“You are the most amazing man I have ever met. Do you know that?”
“I am pretty awesome. You really are a lucky girl.”
I slap him on the arm, sending shocks of pain through my aching body as my hand connects with solid muscle. “Ouch.”
“Be careful, Addi. I know you love touching me, and you like it rough, but rein it in for a while, will you?” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, making me laugh, and I curl my arms around my stomach to curb the pain.
“Stop making me laugh.”
The playfulness is gone from his face as he gently wraps his arms around me, holding my body against his. “Sorry, baby. I’m just so happy to be here, talking and joking with you. I’ll take better care of you now. I promise.”
The nurse arrives shortly after to administer my pain meds, which I take, gladly. Carter stays with me while I drift in and out, becoming drowsy, before falling asleep, our fingers entwined and our hearts full; grateful to have a second chance together.
CARTER
Verona is such an amazing little girl. My tiny treasure; my Tesorina. I’ve been her daddy now for two weeks, and I can’t remember what life was like without her in it. She’s a strong little thing. A survivor like her mommy.
I’ve spent every available minute with Addi and Verona, savoring every moment with them. Addi is getting stronger by the day, which lets her spend more and more time by Verona’s bedside. Every day I have to force her back to her room to rest, and every day she fights me on it.
Verona is improving; her breathing is better, and she’s feeding well. She’s charming all of the nurses in the NICU, having someone talk to her and coo over her every minute of the day. She definitely gets that from her daddy! I could spend every second of every day just staring at her, marveling at how amazing she is, and I would never tire of it.
Today is the day that I get to take Addi home, as long as her blood results are good. She’s got a long recovery ahead, especially after the hysterectomy, but she’s so focused on Verona that it hasn’t really hit her yet. She’s managing the physical pain really well, but I’m worried about the emotional fallout for her. She still hasn’t mentioned the fact that she miscarried once before, and I’m reluctant to bring it up in case it’s just too much for her to handle at this point. All I can do is be here for her, and love her; and when she’s ready, I can listen, and try to help her through it. I just hope she lets me, when the time comes.
I stayed at my place last night rather than the hospital so that I could get Addi’s apartment organized for her coming home. It also gave me the chance to pack up my own essentials, so that I can stay with her until she’s fully recovered. I’m just praying that by then, she’ll have come around to the idea of living with me. I don’t want to be a part-time dad. I want to live in the same house as Verona, with Addi. I can’t push her, though; I’ve inadvertently done that in the past, and driven her away.
Stepping i
nto her apartment last night was like walking in to a haunted house. Xander and Lily took care of getting it professionally cleaned, but in my mind’s eye, I could see the crimson trail of blood in the hallway; I could see Addi lying on the floor, her lips turning blue. I stood and watched it play out, like an out-of-body experience, seeing myself frantically try to revive her.
I stood frozen to the spot, staring at the floor until I heard a knock on the door behind me. The door was wide open, but I think Xander and Lily were worried they would startle me. They came to help me get the place ready for Addi, and I was grateful to have the company. We put up welcome home banners, put fresh covers on her bed, and we got a framed picture of Verona to keep her company until we get to bring her home.
I had asked Xander to get Lily’s old room cleared out over the past few weeks, so I would have a blank canvas to turn into a room for our little princess. We spent hours last night building a crib, painting the walls pink, and filling it with all kinds of furniture and teddies, and pictures that Lily picked out for me. It was around 2 a.m. by the time we finished. I know it’s going to be a while before Verona will be home with us, but I wanted Addi to see that I’m prepared for anything; that I’m ready for us to be a family. If nothing else, I’m hoping it will distract her from the ghosts that will inevitably haunt her when she walks back in here.
I was happy to get back to my apartment and crawl into my own bed. I don’t relish the idea of staying in Addi’s place for the foreseeable future, but I’ll do it, for her. I want her to feel comfortable, surrounded by her own stuff.
When I walk into Addi’s room, I’m met with an empty bed. It’s only 9 a.m. and I know exactly where she’ll be. I leave the bag I brought for her, with some clothes to travel home in, and make my way to the NICU. Sure enough, when I open the door, I see her sitting in the corner next to Verona’s crib. What I’m not prepared for, is the tiny baby in her arms. I’ve never seen Verona out of the incubator, and the sight of her cradled in her mother’s arms is… transcendent. I have never seen Addi look more beautiful than she does in this moment.
Our baby girl is still hooked up to tubes and machines, but today, she’s also wrapped in a tiny pink blanket, sleeping like an angel. Her little hand is wrapped around Addi’s finger, and as I crouch beside them, she turns to greet me, her face glowing.
“Hi, baby. They said she was strong enough for me to hold her for a little while this morning. She’s doing so well. Look at her, Carter. Look at our baby girl. Isn’t she the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen?” I’m mesmerized as she strokes Verona’s cheek with her thumb.
“She’s perfect. You’re both perfect. God, I love you, Addi. Thank you so much for giving me a daughter. I promise I’m going to be the best dad I can be.”
Addi gently caresses my face with her free hand, lifting my gaze to meet hers. “You already are the best dad. You didn’t just save my life, Carter, you saved Verona’s, too. I know that she is the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her daddy. Would you like to hold her?”
“She’s so small, I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You won’t. Grab a chair and you can sit with her for a while.” I do as she says, my adrenaline pumping as nerves spread throughout my entire body.
I’ve been waiting for this moment for two weeks, dreaming about what it will feel like to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time, but now that it’s here, I’m scared that I won’t know what to do, or how to hold her properly.
The nurse comes over to help, lifting Verona from her mother’s arms, and placing her in mine. My breath catches in my chest, and my heart literally skips a beat when I feel the warmth of my daughter’s little body pressed against my chest. She is so small, so fragile, and yet so strong, fighting for every moment she’s had over the past two weeks.
As I lose myself in her, taking in every tiny detail, I am overcome with an all-consuming love. Her little fingers curl around my thumb, and I fall in love with her all over again. She is sweet and innocent and mine… my daughter, my tiny treasure.
“Ti amo, Tesorina. I hope you don’t mind me stealing you away from mommy for a little while. I just wanted to give you a cuddle and tell you how much daddy loves you, baby girl.” I study her face, enchanted by how much she resembles Addi.
We spend the entire day sitting by her incubator, watching the rise and fall of her chest, marveling at the cute noises she makes, and remembering how magnificent it felt to hold her in our arms, even if it was only for a little while. One day soon, we’ll be able to take her home, and hold her for as long as we want, but for today, I will revel in the fact that I can take Addi home, and I can hold her in my arms as she falls asleep at night. It’s hard for both of us to leave the hospital without Verona, and we feel guilty about it, but I need to make sure that Addi is fit and healthy for when we do get to bring our baby girl home.
I pull Addi close as we walk out into the fresh air together. “We’ll be here all day every day until they let us bring her home, but please, Addi, let me take care of you. You need to rest. I almost lost you, Tesoro… I…”
She presses her finger over my lips. “Shhh, baby. Please, take me home.”
A wave of relief washes over me. “Your wish is my command.”
The drive over here was quiet; Addi’s mood, somber. I wanted to carry her up from the car, but she wouldn’t hear of it, insisting that she can manage the elevator ride up to her apartment. I can’t help but notice the tension in her body and the slight shaking as she leans into my side, wrapping her arms around my waist. I know this must be difficult for her – coming back here. I just wish I could make it better for her; that she didn’t need to face these demons.
I open the door and let her go at her own pace, slowly edging her way inside. She manages a small smile when she sees the banners, welcoming her back home. “You did this?”
“With a little help from Xander and Lily. There’s more. Would you like to see?” She nods her head, making sure to avert her gaze from the kitchen. It kills me to see her like this.
She struggles down the hallway towards Lily’s old room, and I don’t know if it’s the pain from surgery or the memories that are making it so hard. When I open the door to the new nursery, her face lights up, but it’s tinged with sadness. I wrap my arms around her.
“She’ll be home soon, Addi. She’s doing great and she’s going to keep getting bigger and stronger, and before you know it, we’ll be in here at 4 a.m. in the morning, crying because we want her to go back to sleep and give us a break!” That gets a chuckle, and it’s a beautifully sweet sound.
“I can’t wait.”
I kiss her hair, drinking in her scent. “Me too, baby. Me too.” She quietly sobs into my chest, and I can’t do anything to make it better, so I just hold her, for the longest time. “You need to rest. Let’s get you changed and into bed. I’ll make us something to eat. We can watch one of your god-awful chick flicks while we eat. Sound good?”
She squeezes me a little tighter. “Sounds great.”
I help her into the bedroom, and get her changed into some comfortable pajamas with funny little minions on them. Nothing like the sexy lingerie I’m used to from her, but she pulls it off, looking adorable and gorgeous.
“You okay to go to the bathroom yourself?”
She rolls her eyes at me, full of mischief. “GOD, Carter, let’s keep some mystery in the relationship, shall we? If you see me on the toilet I will officially die of embarrassment and we will never have sex again due to my immeasurable shame!”
“Well I know when I’m not wanted. Never having sex with you again is NOT an option, so I’m going to go start dinner, leaving you and the ‘mystery’ intact.”
I force myself into the kitchen, busying myself preparing something simple but tasty for us to eat. I grab my phone and put on some music to cook to. It only takes about fifteen minutes to throw together a pasta dish, which I quickly plate up and head back to Addi’s room. I guess it’s sort of
my room now, too, for a while at least.
As I open the door, all I can hear is Addi, sobbing her heart out. I dump the plates on the nightstand and scoop her gently into my arms. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you sore? Are your stitches okay?” She doesn’t speak, she just continues to sob into my chest. “Addi, talk to me, baby, please. What can I do?”
“I can’t do it, Carter. I can’t do it.”
“What can’t you do, Addi?” I try to lift her face to look at me, but she just burrows deeper into my chest.
“I can’t stay here. I can see it everywhere, the blood. I can’t live here anymore. I couldn’t step over the threshold into the bathroom. I just stood there, reliving it. The hallway, the kitchen, all of it – I just can’t.”
I stroke her back, trying desperately to calm her, my heart breaking for her. “Shhh, baby. It’s okay. We don’t have to stay here tonight. We can go to my place if you want. We can stay there for a while?”
She finally lifts her gaze, with tear stained cheeks and red eyes. “But you put so much work into the nursery for Verona.”
“It doesn’t matter. All that matters, is that you’re happy. We can live on the moon if it makes you happy. And when you’re ready to move back here, then I’ll make it happen. Whatever you want, Tesoro. You know that.”
“I want to live with you, Carter… permanently. You, me, and Verona. You once asked me to move in with you and I ran away, so I understand if the offer is no longer on the table, but if it is, I want it more than anything.”
I’m elated and deflated at the same time. Overjoyed that Addi wants us to live together as a family, and devastated that she can’t bear to stay in her own apartment anymore. “Of course the offer is still there. I need you to be sure though. It’s what I want; more than I’ve ever wanted anything. You and Verona mean everything to me.”
She cups my face in her hands. “I’ve wanted this since I came back to New York. I’ve wanted it since the first time you asked me, but I know I have to earn back your trust after everything I put you through.”