by Sienna Parks
I need to respect her wishes. She doesn’t want to see me again, and I need to find a way to come to terms with that.
I will never see Vittoria again… never hear her laugh… never see her smile… never watch her come apart under my touch.
I did the right thing for her. She needs her family, more than she needs me. I couldn’t be the man she needed me to be. I could have given up the lifestyle for her, but how long would it have lasted? Eventually I would have dragged her down with me, because I’m weak when it comes to her; I’m selfish. I want all of her, in every way possible. Her pleasure, her pain; her trust, her obedience; her love, and her submission. If Carter couldn’t accept us as a ‘normal’ couple, he never would have forgiven me for making her my submissive. It would have changed her irrevocably, and I love her too much to do that to her.
Hell, is this moment, this feeling. Nothing but darkness, and despair.
It’s been five weeks since Vittoria walked out of my apartment and out of my life, and it’s still as raw and painful as it was then.
Carter still won’t speak to me. Now I’m the asshole who not only had the audacity to try to date his sister, but I’m also the bastard who broke her heart. I can’t win either way. Xander told me that they’re talking to each other again, that she gave him a hard time for a while there, but now they’re slowly beginning to rebuild their relationship. It’s what I was hoping for, but hearing it didn’t seem like much of a consolation in the face of losing her. Strange I know – I broke up with her so she could fix her relationship with her brother, but I never could have anticipated the hole that has been left inside of me.
I’m going to meet Xander for lunch today, to try and take my mind off of everything. I haven’t set foot inside Andromeda for months, but I’m scheduled to do a Master class on punishment tomorrow night, and I can’t muster any enthusiasm for it. I figured if I go out and interact with a friend then it might get me out of the funk I’ve been in. At least a little. I’ve been avoiding everyone lately. Xander is so happy with Lily, Carter won’t speak to me, and I just couldn’t be bothered hanging out with anyone else and being completely fake. I’m tired of being fake with everyone, all the fucking time.
I can’t tell people I’m a Master Dominant. I can’t tell anyone at Andromeda that I’ve been in love with the same girl for over eight years and would have tried to give up the lifestyle to be with her. They wouldn’t understand. I can’t tell the bands I work with, how badly I wish I had everything that I strive to get them on a daily basis. I feel like I’m so busy being what everyone else wants me to be, that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m lost in my own web of deceit.
Xander arrives with a grin on his face and a slap on the back, dragging me from my self-pity.
“How the fuck are you? I haven’t seen you since the horror that was dinner.”
“Hey, man. Things are… fine.”
“Wow. Don’t give up the day job to become an actor. You suck at it. How are you really?”
We’re seated straight away. It always helps when you’re eating with the restaurant owner. I swear he owns half of Manhattan! We order some food and drinks, and then the inquisition begins.
“What the hell happened, Logan? You told me you loved her. You finally tell Carter, and then you walk away. I don’t get it. Why didn’t you fight for her? What changed?”
So much for forgetting my troubles for a few hours.
“She did. She changed. After dinner, everything changed. She didn’t look at me the same way, she was always sad. Carter kept rejecting her calls, and I just couldn’t be the reason for that. I let her go because I love her. That will never change.”
“Look, I know he can be an insufferable asshole at times, but he would have come around eventually. For her, he would have. You? He might have cut your balls off, but he would’ve gotten there in the end.”
“No, he wouldn’t. I get it. She’s amazing and beautiful and it’s impossible not to love her with a real intensity and a need to protect her. Whether you love her, or you’re in love with her, it’s the same. She inspires that in people. Look how you reacted when you first found out. You were ready to smear me across the wall of your building. Carter feels that tenfold, and I can’t hold that against him. He wants the best for her, and I’m not it.”
He scrubs his hand over his jaw before downing the Scotch in front of him. “Fucking hell. I was expecting a laid-back lunch, some laughs and some sports talk. This is some heavy shit you’re laying on me right now.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking fed up with my life at the moment.”
“Can I ask you a question? And I want an honest answer.”
“Go for it.”
“Why do you believe that you’re not what’s best for Vittoria. Carter’s reaction aside. If she loves you and you love her, why wouldn’t you be good for her?”
“It’s complicated.”
“So, un-fucking-complicate it for me. Whatever it is, it’s obviously eating away at you, so tell me.”
He’s right. I feel like I’m going to drown if I don’t just level with one person in my life. One person that can know who I am – all of me.
“I’m a Dominant.”
“Yeah. So? I already suspected that.”
I’m floored by his reaction. “What?”
“Come on, Logan. The way you are with women, it’s not a giant leap to connect the dots. You cover it well, but I’ve known you for a long fucking time. What I don’t understand is, why this is a problem?”
“Go say that to Carter and see if he thinks it’s a problem.” Why is he so okay with this? I’ve never told anyone because I was concerned that they would judge me, that they wouldn’t understand, and here I sit with one of my closest friends, and he’s acting like I just told him the most normal thing in the world. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
“You know I would do anything for him, but you can’t live your life based on his opinion. If it’s what Vittoria wants, what you both want, then it’s none of his business. He doesn’t exactly have a fantastic track record in the way he’s treated women. He’s made choices that I don’t agree with, but it’s his life. You make choices that I wouldn’t, but I don’t need to live your life. I do what I want with Lily, and it’s no one’s business but ours. Our relationship, physical and emotional, is only between us. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks, and neither should you.”
“That’s just it though. I don’t know if it’s what she wanted. I never told her.”
“What the fuck?”
“We only saw each other a few times before I ended things. I never slept with her. I never told her, because I didn’t want to risk losing her. I lost her anyway in the end, so I guess I’ll never know.”
“I’m sorry man. I just assumed... when I saw you two together at dinner. She seems… I don’t know what the right terminology is… submissive, to you. You seem like a good match for each other, and Vittoria craves structure. She needs it in her life.”
“The way you speak about her, you mentioned it before… did something happen to her that I don’t know about?”
“I can’t answer that, Logan. It’s not my place. Just know that she’s been through a lot, she came out the other side, and that I think you could have been good for her.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know.”
Xander’s phone starts to ring. “Speak of the devil himself.”
It’s Carter. “Take it. I’ll grab the waiter and get the check.”
As he holds the phone to his ear, the color drains from his face.
“We’re on our way now. What hospital?”
Shit.
He ends the call and immediately dials Lily, arranging to pick her up in a few minutes. “I’ll explain when I get there. Just be ready. I’m coming for you now.”
He shoves his phone in his pocket. Agitation and fear, clear on his face.
“What’s wrong?
”
“It’s Addi. She’s in the hospital. It’s bad. I need to go.”
“I’ll come with you.”
His face drops, his expression grave as he replies. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. He’s a mess. Addi is… the baby… it’s bad. Really bad. I think it would be too much for him. I’ll keep you posted.”
He stands from the table and reaches for his wallet.
“Don’t even think about it. I got this. You go. Look after him, he’s like a brother to me, you both are.”
He gives me a hug. Not something we do often, but I think we both need it.
“Tell him I’m here, and that I care. If he needs anything at all, just let me know.”
“I will.”
He leaves in a hurry and I’m left alone, terrified for my friend and the loss that he’s facing. If I was a praying man, I would be on my knees, begging for Addi to pull through this. It kills me that I can’t go and be there for him, and for Addi, but I won’t be selfish. I won’t add to his problems.
She has to be okay.
He needs her to be okay.
Fuck. Vittoria. What will this do to her? They’ve become so close. Losing Addison would be devastating to her. It would destroy her to see Carter broken by such a loss.
All I want to do is go to her. To comfort her, to tell her it will be okay.
I want to reassure myself that she’s safe and healthy.
What kind of man does that make me?
I called and left a message for Vittoria, but she’s either ignoring it, or she hasn’t gotten it yet. I don’t want to bother her, so I haven’t tried to call back, but I need to know that she’s okay. I don’t have the right to know, but I love her, and the thought of her dealing with this, is painful.
I left the restaurant and came to my office, but I haven’t been able to concentrate. I haven’t heard any news from Xander yet, but I’m hoping that’s a good thing. I hate feeling helpless. I wish there was something I could do to help my friends, to help Vittoria.
When my phone beeps, I grab it like it’s my lifeline. It’s her.
Vittoria: My plane just landed. Going to the hospital now. Xander will call with news. Please don’t call me again.
Me: I’m so sorry. If there is anything you need. I’m here.
Vittoria: You don’t get to be that guy for me. You made your choice. Don’t call me, don’t text me.
I stare at my phone for the longest time. Devastated by her words. Horrified that I’ve made this situation even harder on her.
It’s late by the time I hear from Xander. Addi is going to pull through. Carter is holding it together by a thread, and now, he’s a daddy. Vittoria is an aunt. I’m so relieved for all of them. I can’t even begin to imagine how terrifying today must have been.
I’m on the outside, looking in, and I don’t know if they will ever forgive me; if they will ever let me be there for them; if she will ever let me be a part of her life again.
Eight Months Later
I miss him.
Every minute of every day, since I walked out of his apartment, since he broke my heart into a thousand shattered pieces, I miss him. I miss the little things. His voice on the phone, low and sexy with a rasp that would melt even the coldest heart. His sweet text messages to say he was thinking of me, or to check that I’d arrived in the next city on tour safely. I miss the way he looked at me, as if I was the most beautiful creature he’d ever laid eyes on. And, most of all, I miss his touch. I never had that much time to be with him, and we never made love, but in every way that mattered, he made love to me; with every touch of his hand, with his kiss, devouring me, claiming me as his, ruining me for any other man. I lie awake at night, remembering his smile, and the dimples that could disintegrate any woman’s panties. Everything about him haunts me, and it’s impossible for me to move on. It’s been almost nine months since he ended things between us, and I just can’t let go: I can’t stop loving him.
Logically, I can understand why he did what he did. He knows how much Carter means to me, and he didn’t want to come between us. I hate him and love him in equal measure for his decision. He was trying to do what he thought was best for me, and it took me a long time to forgive him for that, and even longer to realize that he did it from a place of caring for me, rather than a lack of it. There’s also a part of me, that will never understand or forgive the fact that he gave me no option but to walk away. He didn’t care if I wanted to choose him over family, if I thought he was worth the risk. If he’d taken even a moment to consider that, and ask me what I wanted, I would have told him, without hesitation that I chose him. Even now, I would choose him.
Carter and I have managed to find our way back to the close relationship we shared before all of this happened. It took me months to get over the fact that he is the reason Logan and I aren’t together. For the first month, I wouldn’t even speak to him, but slowly, we started talking again, and he apologized for causing me so much pain. I don’t think he really understood what his reaction would do that night. It was a shock, and he handled it badly. When he finally admitted that to me, my heart thawed, and little by little I felt like I got my brother back.
These days, on the rare occasions when I’m in New York, I try to spend as much time as possible with him and Addi, and little V. She’s the light in the darkness for me. An innocent blessing, who gives unconditional love and expects nothing in return. She gives me hope for the future, that maybe, someday, it won’t hurt as much; that maybe I won’t love him as much, and at some point, I might find someone to love me the same way I love them.
Love unrequited, is life’s cruelest form of torture.
It’s tough to hear Lily and Addi mention Logan. They don’t mean to upset me, and I hide it as best I can, but hearing about what he’s doing, where he is, and how him and Carter are back to being the best of friends, is difficult for me.
I spoke to Carter about it a few months ago, pleading with him not to throw away his relationship with Logan over something as trivial as a few stolen kisses. I played it down, telling him that it was a fleeting attraction on my part, and how I would hate for it to ruin a great friendship. Eventually, he listened, but not before giving Logan a black eye, and coming home with a few bruised ribs. When Addi called me to tell me that they had sorted it out like cavemen, all I wanted to do was go to Logan’s apartment. To kiss his eye, and tell him how much I love him. Instead, I punched Carter in the face, which did nothing, it didn’t even leave a mark, and it didn’t make me feel any better.
I’m happy that they’re friends again, but it’s almost as if what I had with Logan, never happened. There is no evidence that we were ever together, that we ever meant anything to one another. The only way I know I didn’t dream it, is the invisible scars I carry with me; the gaping hole in my heart that tells me it was real, that it mattered, if only to me.
A month ago, I tried to get back on the horse, as they say, but I couldn’t do it. I sat across from a very handsome gentleman, strong and sexy, commanding and considerate, but I felt… nothing. No butterflies, no excitement at the prospect of something new… nothing. I hate to admit it, but I think Logan might have been right; if he had made love to me, like I begged him to, I would never recover. I’m lost and ruined by the memory of his tongue and his lips all over my body. To have felt him inside me, to be completely possessed by him, would have killed me.
I want to hate him so badly, to be consumed by rage until it obliterates all traces of the love I feel. And more than anything, I hate myself – for knowing that I would run into his arms tomorrow if he turned up at my door and told me he wanted me. How pathetic does that make me? The weak girl that forgives a man for breaking her heart, repeatedly, and welcomes him back with open arms; always surprised when he does it again.
I guess the question is moot. Logan’s not coming back for me, and I need to come to terms with that… one day… I hope.
Three Months Later
I’m wor
king on the biggest deal of my career right now. The band I’m bringing over from Scotland, Flaming Embers, are about to cut their first record and go on tour around the U.S. It’s a huge find for my label, and if I pull this off, it is going to mean big things for my company, and for the bands that I represent.
I've been in and out of the country over the past few months, never staying in one place too long, setting up the tour, meeting with promoters, finding support acts, and getting the boys in as a support act for some of the hottest names in music at the moment. In some ways, it has been a good distraction, but being on the road doesn’t really afford me the freedom to indulge in my… particular pleasures. I know a few BDSM clubs in the bigger cities I visit on a regular basis, and have taken to giving demonstrations on some very lovely subs in training. It lacks the satisfaction I used to gain from my lifestyle, but it’s all I can bear. I haven’t taken on a new submissive to train in the twelve months since Vittoria walked out of my life. The thought of being a Master to anyone but her just doesn’t sit well with me. I tolerated it in the past, knowing that none of them could live up to the fantasy I had of her, but now that I know what I’m missing, it’s incomprehensible to me to claim any other woman as my own.
I deal with my physical needs and my urge to dominate by conducting Master classes, and teaching others to be Dominants, using faceless submissives in cities that aren’t my own. It’s a fleeting pleasure, a moment of relief from the blackness that burdens my soul. A quick release to quench my carnal desire, leaving me empty and alone, craving a real connection to another human being, to feel that I’m not alone in this world.
If I had the chance to go back and change that night in Verona, to stop everything that ever happened with Vittoria de Rossi… I couldn’t. I know it would be easier if it never happened; if I had never felt the sheer euphoria of her falling apart beneath me; but I would never trade that night for anything, ever. I wouldn’t trade a single second of our time together. The torture, night after night, when I lie awake, reliving every second with her, is worth it. It’s the only way I know that I still have the ability to feel; to love; that I still have a soul.