by Sienna Parks
“You can’t do that. You have a tour to finish.”
“Fuck the tour! I appreciate everythin’ you’ve done for us, an’ I’m lovin’ every minute of it, but I learned at a very young age, that people are what’s important in life, Logan. I will walk away from it if you need me there wi’ you. No questions asked.”
“You’re an amazing man, Campbell, and a really good friend. You’re right. I need to tell Carter and the rest of her family. I’ll call when I get to the airport.”
My cab pulls up, and I breathe a sigh of relief, thankful that I’m finally on my way to her.
“Let me know how she’s doin’, and if you need anythin’, just call me.”
“Thanks.” I throw my bags in the trunk and jump into the backseat, but just before I close the door, Campbell leans in.
“Just remember, none of this is your fault. She’s in a bad place, an’ only she can get herself out of it. You dinnae fail her. Sometimes life pulls people intae a darkness that no’ even love can conquer. All you can do is focus on her, and be there to offer her the strength to fight, and come out the other side.”
“I should have been there.”
“You cannae change it now. You have to move forward. Dinnae waste yer energy on the past. Now go and get yer lassie an’ bring her home.” He shuts the cab door, and gives me a somber nod as I pull away into the L.A. traffic.
I take a few minutes to breathe, digesting everything that he said to me. He’s right. Vittoria doesn’t know what’s best for her right now, and I’m supposed to be her Master. My job is to act in her best interests, even if she hates me for it, and that’s what I’m going to do.
I pull my phone from my pocket and dial Carter’s number.
“Logan. How the fuck are you?”
“Carter. I need you to listen to me. I’m on my way to L.A.X, and I need you to call Xander and get on his plane.”
“What the fuck?”
“Vittoria is in hospital in Budapest. It’s serious, but she’s going to be okay. I got a call less than an hour ago; I didn’t get to speak to her, but the nurse assured me that she’ll be okay. I can’t go into the details just now, and honestly, I don’t really know what happened, or what’s going on. She asked them not to call anyone else on her contacts list, but I know she’s not thinking straight. She needs you, and so do I.”
“Fuck! What the fuck happened? I’ll call Xander and see if he can get me out there as soon as possible. Text me the hospital details and I’ll meet you there.”
“Carter, I know you want to see her, but I think that I should go and see her alone. She didn’t want anyone else to come, and I need to prepare her for seeing you. From what the nurse told me, she’s in a fragile state, and it could be worse for her if we both just show up and bombard her with questions.”
“She’s my fucking sister. If anyone should be going to see her, it should be me.”
“Not happening. I’m sorry, I know it’s shit, and I shouldn’t be asking this of you, but remember that I didn’t need to call you. She didn’t want me to. I’m putting my foot down on this. I see her alone to tell her you’re with me, or you don’t come. Your choice.”
“And who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I’m the guy that’s going to be by her side, and love her until the day I fucking die. So back the fuck off. I know that it’s hard. I’m going out of my mind here, but we need to keep it together for Vittoria. She needs us, both of us; and us fighting over who has more claim to her, isn’t going to help her in the slightest. I’m going completely against her wishes here, so at least afford me the chance to speak to her and explain.”
“Fine. If she doesn’t… I can’t believe she’s there alone.”
“I know, man, I know. Just get on the flight as soon as you can and we’ll deal with everything else when we get there. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m fucking lost, and terrified, and I don’t know what else to say.”
“I’ll meet you at whatever hotel we end up in. Keep in touch and let me know the minute you’ve seen her and know that she’s going to be okay.”
“Will do. Travel safe, brother.”
“You, too. And Logan, thank you for calling me when she asked you not to.”
“See you in Budapest.”
I hang up the phone, uncertain of whether or not I’ve just sealed my fate with Vittoria. She may never forgive me for this, but at the end of the day, it’s a risk I have to take. I’m going to do what I think is right for her, whether she likes it or not. I feel so guilty for not telling Carter why she’s in hospital, but it’s not something that anyone should hear over the phone, I can attest to that.
Xander is true to his word, as always, and as soon as I set foot inside the airport, I’m met by a representative who fast-tracks me through all the necessary checks and leads me out to my waiting jet. I will never be able to repay him for getting me to her as quickly as possible.
The staff are kind and attentive, but all I can think of is her. I’m consumed with thoughts of our interactions over the past few months, playing them over and over in my mind, kicking myself for not listening to that niggling feeling that something wasn’t right with her. I brushed it off as par for the course in a long-distance relationship. It’s hard to maintain intimacy when you’re so far away from each other, and have busy lives. I should have pushed her harder to talk to me, to share how she was feeling.
When I realize that she’s been lying to me for months, hiding where she was, pretending that she was still on tour, I’m so fucking angry with her. I have no idea who she is, or what is going on in her life; so many unanswered questions. Why isn’t she with the rest of the ballet company? Why did she lie to me? Why did she feel she couldn’t confide in me? And, the one question that plays on a loop in my mind, over and over again – Why did she try to kill herself?
Time ticks by in slow motion as I stare out at the clouds, soaring 30,000 ft. above ground. I’ve always thought that there is something so beautiful and so serene about flying, like being given a glimpse of heaven; but today, it feels like the worst kind of hell. Every minute feels like an hour, every hour feels like a day. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand that I’m not by her side; that I’m not there to tell her how much I love her, and to beg her to fight.
She can’t give up. If she does, she won’t just be ending her own life… she’ll be ending mine.
I don’t know what I was expecting to see, or how I expected her to look when I finally got here. I had to come straight from the airport, I couldn’t wait any longer, but I’m beyond exhausted. I didn’t sleep at all on the flight here, too worried to find any respite. She’s sleeping when I arrive, but the nurses have been great, letting me sit with her, and filling me in on how she’s been doing today. They said her vitals are good, her system is clear of drugs, and she managed to eat breakfast this morning. They also told me that she hasn’t spoken, or even made eye contact with anyone; she’s been staring out the window, clutching a piece of paper that she had in her hand when they found her. Apparently, she was screaming for it when she came round, and luckily, one of the nurses had kept it along with her personal effects.
I can see it crumpled loosely in her hand, and when I spy the Paris hotel emblem on one of the corners, I’m filled with… I don’t even know what the word is for the way I feel. I’m overwhelmed with emotion. Love, fear, love, anger, and more love than I ever thought possible. She’s holding onto the letter I wrote the last time we were together. She’s holding onto… me. She looks so small and fragile, even thinner than before - frail. All I want to do is gather her up into my arms and never let go, but I’m afraid I would break her tiny frame. I remove my letter from her hand, careful not to wake her. She needs to rest, and I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to her yet. I don’t want to say the wrong thing; I want to be everything that she needs me to be.
I sit back, my vision blurred from lack of sleep, but I push myself to focus on the piece of paper in front o
f me, smoothing it out so I can read the words she’s been holding close. It’s been so long since I wrote this, it feels like another lifetime. A happier one.
From a Master to his submissive,
My sweet and gentle Vittoria, my Nyx. As I write this letter to you, my beautiful submissive, I am filled with both pride, for the stunning woman that you are, inside and out, and sadness, that I must leave you today. When I’m with you, I’m drawn into your orbit, circling you, helpless to escape, and there is no place I’d rather be than by your side.
I never thought that I’d be lucky enough to find love, and when I met you, I fell head over heels, but I never in my wildest dreams, thought that you could love me back. I fought it for so long, believing that you couldn’t possibly want the same life as I do. I knew then, that I wasn’t good enough for you, and even now, I know it’s true. But, the moment I let myself kiss you, the moment I felt your passion, I became selfish. You deserve so much better than me, but I can’t stand the thought of giving you up, of letting another man make you happy. One thing I know with absolute certainty, is that no matter what my shortcomings may be, no man will ever love you as much as I do.
When you trusted me enough to tell me about your lifestyle, I was astounded, and yet somehow, it made sense to me. You were made for me. Everything about you, calls to me. I want every part of you. The first time I claimed you as my own in the playroom, I can’t even describe to you, how incredible that night was for me. To make you my submissive; to watch you give yourself over to me completely, was… magnificent.
You laugh that I call you Nyx, but to me, you are a goddess. My goddess.
Do you know why I asked you to dance to ‘Tempo di Valse’ at the club? It’s because Swan Lake is the first ballet I ever saw you dance in. I was running late, and missed the introduction, but when I set foot inside the auditorium, and saw you on stage, that music playing in the background, I fell in love with you all over again. You didn’t know I was there, but I stood in the back, and watched you, captivated by your grace and beauty. Something happens when you dance, Vittoria, and it’s an honor and a privilege to witness. You’re not just a ballerina, you’re an artist. Breathtaking and unique. Ethereal and yet more real than anyone I’ve ever known. You speak to me when you dance, your body communicating so much emotion, so much of your soul. I will never tire of watching you, worshiping you, in awe of your unparalleled talent.
I can never express to you, how sorry I am for what happened here in Paris. I will never forgive myself for letting you down, and I promise you, I will never let anyone hurt you, ever again. I don’t know what happened to you in the past, but know that I will always be here, ready to listen. I need you to be honest with me, otherwise what do we have, if we don’t have trust?
You’ve changed my life. You breathe life into my mundane existence, and I’ll spend the rest of my life protecting that, protecting you.
I’m so proud of who you are. You are the most amazing, tender, and loving submissive, and I am humbled that you chose me as your Master. Know that I will never take that great honor for granted.
All my love, now and always
Your Master, lover, and friend
Logan x
I can’t bear to look at it any longer; folding it slowly, I place it on the table by her bedside. Why did she have this in her hand when they found her? As a reminder of how I broke my word? I promised her I would protect her, and yet, here we are; her lying in a hospital, halfway across the world from where I was this time yesterday. This has been going on for months… months, and I had no idea. I’m supposed to know her better than anyone, and I have no idea what’s going on in her life. I was too busy with the band, too busy with my label to notice what must have been right in front of me. I’m disgusted with myself.
I take her hand in mine, and rest my head on the edge of her bed, emotionally and physically unable to function any longer. I’m here with her, and she’s alive; that’s enough for now.
I wake up to the soft, soothing sounds of Vittoria’s voice, her fingers stroking through my hair. It feels like only moments since I closed my eyes, but the dim light in the room suggests otherwise. It’s dark, the only light coming from a reading lamp above the bed. I struggle to open my eyes, and instead of fighting it, I take a moment to let them adjust; listening to her whispered words as she breaks my heart even further.
“I’m so sorry, Logan. I never wanted to hurt you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. The only person that truly knows me in any real way. I know I’ve disappointed you, that I’ve failed you. I’ve lied to you for so long, I don’t expect you to forgive me. I broke your trust not only as your submissive, but as your friend. None of this was about you, or how well you love me. You have been… amazing; so much more than I deserve. This was about me. I’m lost, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. The only thing I do know, is that I love you, and I’m so, so sorry that you’re here, dealing with my mess. I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” She breaks down, sobbing softly, willing me to forgive her.
I lift her hand, warmly encased in mine for the past however many hours, and lift it to my lips, planting a gentle kiss. “I love you, Vittoria.” My voice is rough from sleep, but also because there is a giant lump in my throat as I lift my gaze to meet hers. “I should have been here with you.” I can barely keep my head up; so physically and emotionally drained by the last twenty-four hours of my life. “When I got that call, and I couldn’t get to you. Fuck… I’ve never been so terrified.”
She throws herself on me, begging for mercy. “Please forgive me, Master. You have to forgive me.” I stroke my hand up and down her back, trying to calm her, but I’m devastatingly aware of how she’s changed since the last time I touched her. I can feel her spine and her ribs protruding, her skin tight rather than soft. She never had an ounce of fat on her to start with, but now, she’s almost emaciated. I can’t believe I didn’t know. I hold her, unable to speak. Can I forgive her for trying to end her own life? Her life means more to me than anything else in the vast universe that surrounds us, and she tried to end it, as if it meant nothing, less than nothing.
“Don’t call me Master.” It’s all I can manage. I can’t unburden my fears and concerns on her, she’s not strong enough to handle it, and I wouldn’t want her to hear the conflicting emotions that are battling in my head right now. I’m so relieved that she’s here in my arms, and that she’s still breathing; that’s she’s still part of this world. But, I’m so fucking angry with her, and I can’t let her get even a hint that I feel this way. It would be selfish of me, and I won’t make this any harder on her than it already is.
“Thank you for coming. I didn’t know if you would.”
I hold her tighter, wishing that she could see what I see in her, what I love with every fiber of my being. “Don’t you know by now? I would travel to the ends of the earth and beyond for you. When are you going to understand that I love you… unconditionally? You’re everything to me, and when I thought I might lose you… God, my world just fell apart. I can’t lose you. It took me a lifetime to find you, and even longer to make you mine. Please don’t give up on me.”
She’s crying uncontrollably now, as if she’s in physical pain, and all I can do is cling to her, hoping that my presence will bring her some small amount of comfort. I crawl up onto the bed beside her, and lift her into my arms, cradling her in my lap as I’ve done so many times before, but this time it’s different. It doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel the same.
I’ve always felt like Vittoria’s protector, her guardian angel if you will, although, I couldn’t be further from an angel. I’ve always believed that I could keep her safe from anything and anyone that might hurt her. Even when I let myself lose control with her, I was still in control of everything else around us. Now, I’m questioning everything we’ve ever shared together. I thought she trusted me, I thought she felt the same way about me as I do about her. I
couldn’t hurt her like that. I couldn’t leave her behind to deal with such an insurmountable loss. I would never be that selfish. I thought I knew her, but at least the last three months of our relationship have been a lie. Every word spoken between us, was… meaningless, and I didn’t see it; I had no idea.
I’m ashamed to have ever called myself her Master. I knew she deserved better, and maybe if I had been selfless enough to let her go and find it, this wouldn’t have happened. I’ve been lax with her because I love her so much, but in the end, I’ve hurt her more than any punishment ever could.
“Logan, I… I don’t know what to say. No apology could ever be enough for what I’ve done.”
“I have to know. Why didn’t you talk to me? What’s been going on with you? I thought you understood what I expected of you as my submissive. You should have come to me with whatever has been troubling you.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you. Telling you would have made it real.”
“What? I need to know.”
Tears begin to well in her eyes again as she finally opens up to me. “It started with my injury in Prague.”
“Fucking hell, Vittoria! Has our entire relationship been a lie?” The look of shock on her face makes me realize what an asshole I am. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared and worried because I care. I won’t interrupt you again. Go on.”
She takes a deep breath before continuing.
“When I left you to go back on tour, my injury wasn’t as healed as I hoped it would be, but I couldn’t bear to be away from dancing any longer than I had already been, so I hid the pain from the physio and the doctor. I kept taking the painkillers to get me through each show. After a while, they stopped working so well, and I upped the number of pills I was taking. I started visiting doctors in every city we performed in, getting more and more pills to keep me going. At some point, I couldn’t stop taking them. I danced through the pain, night after night, and by the time I got back to my hotel I was practically crawling to the bed, the pain was so bad. I couldn’t give it up, Logan. Ballet is my life.”