by Sienna Parks
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your apologies. I want you to stop treating me like I’m the enemy. I’m your biggest ally. We’re supposed to be a team.”
She runs into my arms, her small frame trembling. “I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be horrible, especially not to you. I love you. Tell me you know that.”
I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight, afraid to let go. “I know… I know.” As I stand here, clinging to the girl I love more than anything, I’m filled with dread for the days and weeks ahead. It’s not going to be easy for her to put her life back together, or for us to get back to where we were what seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe we won’t ever be the same again, maybe all we can do is stumble forward, putting one foot in front of the other, and hope that we can make a future together. What it will look like, I don’t know, but what I do know, is that I want her to be in it. “Why don’t you go and have a lie down. I’ll come get you when dinner is ready.”
Her body slumps against mine, in defeat. “That actually sounds pretty good. I’m a little tired.” She gives me a hesitant, soft kiss on the lips before heading for the guest room. I hate watching her go anywhere other than my bed, but it’s too soon. If she’s in my bed, then I’ll make love to her, because I won’t be able to stop myself; and if we make love, we’ll ignore all the issues that we need to deal with, content to lose ourselves in each other for hours at a time, giving us a closeness and a connection that we obviously lack in the rest of our relationship at the moment.
I want her so badly it hurts. I want to worship every inch of her body, to show her what she means to me, to try and make her see herself through my eyes, but I’m concerned that I would do more harm than good. I thought that I was a good Master, attentive to her wants and needs, emotionally available for her, and that we’d found a balance of discipline that worked for us. Now, looking back, it seems like it was all a lie. It’s left me questioning every decision I make regarding her, and that in itself proves that I can’t be the Master she needs right now. Until I can find my own way back, and feel confident in my abilities, I can’t initiate anything physical with her.
I know her well enough to know that my decision will make her angry, but I can’t let that be a factor in this. She needs love, and discipline, and understanding, and I’m going to find a way to give her all of that. I can’t lose her again. I won’t.
I hear her screams from down the hall. She’s having a nightmare again. I quickly turn off the heat on dinner and head for her room. It’s become a routine now. I crawl onto the bed beside her, careful not to startle her, and then I stroke her hair, whispering words of comfort until she calms down, and slowly comes round from her dream. It happened the first day she got home, and it’s happened every day since, for the past two weeks. It’s making her reluctant to take a nap at any time of day, but her body has been through so much in recent months, she can only fight it for so long before she has to give in and rest. “It’s okay, baby. I’m here. It was just a bad dream.” She coils her body around me, burying her face in my chest. “Can you tell me about the dream?”
“I don’t… I can’t.” She starts sobbing uncontrollably, and all I can do is hold her until it subsides. I’m treading water here until she opens up to me, but I feel like I’m drowning.
“Are you hungry? I’ve got loads of food, and Carter called to say that they have a babysitter tonight, so I invited them over. I hope that’s okay?”
“Yeah. It’s fine. I’ll freshen up and be out in a few minutes.” I give her a tender kiss, which she tries to deepen, but I pull back, not trusting myself to stop.
“I better go and check that nothing’s burning.” I make a quick exit, adjusting my pants to alleviate how tight they feel all of a sudden. One kiss, and I’m like a horny teenager. It’s been four and a half months since I made love to her in Paris, and I miss her more than I can put into words. I miss the Vittoria I fell in love with.
I distract myself with setting the table, and when the buzzer lets me know that Carter and Addi are here, it’s a welcome relief. Being alone with Vittoria all the time is intense, and with no way to release the tension, it’s becoming almost unbearable. I haven’t made love to her, and I haven’t punished her since she got home. I haven’t treated her like my submissive, because I’m trying to give her space to rediscover who she is. It’s torture, and there have been times that I have wanted to tie her up, punish her, and fuck her until she can’t take it anymore. I can tell she’s frustrated, too, but her frustration turns into anger, which inevitably gets directed at me. I’m hoping that tonight, she can find a way to relax and enjoy some time with Addi. I really need to chill and have a few beers with my friend. To just be me for a few hours.
When I open the door, I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders as they step inside.
“Hey, bro, smells fucking amazing in here. I’m starving.”
“Good, it’s ready.”
I say a quick hello to Addi before shouting to Vittoria to let her know they’re here. She comes bounding down the hallway, before jumping into Carter’s arms. Her entire demeanor changes; a glimpse of her old self shining through. “It’s so good to see you guys.”
“It’s nice to see you, too. You look amazing. How are you?”
“I’m good. Logan’s taking great care of me.”
Did I just hear her right? Fuck, she’s like a different person. Not the girl I’ve been living with for the past few weeks. Maybe company is exactly what we needed to diffuse some of the tension around here.
We sit down to a great meal, Carter and I catching up on work and sports over a few beers while Addi very tactfully decided to make mocktails for her and Vittoria. Tori isn’t supposed to drink alcohol right out of rehab, because they don’t want addicts to replace one drug for another. Addi has this way of getting what she wants - she doesn’t make it obvious, and she doesn’t patronize. She sweeps you up into whatever she’s doing, and all you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. I can see why Carter is so besotted with her. They’ve been through so much, and it gives me hope, that Vittoria and I can weather the storm and come out the other side stronger.
It’s nice to see her laughing again. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her smile a genuine, carefree, beautiful smile.
After dinner, we take up residence on the couch. Carter and I fire up the PlayStation and decide to go old-school with some Street Fighter. It’s a rare window of opportunity to relax and unwind. Addi is busy with Vittoria, and for a brief moment, I don’t have to take full responsibility for her, but unfortunately for me, it doesn’t last long. I should have known better than to let my guard down, even for a few minutes.
Vittoria starts stumbling around the living room, spilling her drink before tumbling head first into my lap.
“What the fuck? Are you okay?” I pause the game, throwing the controller down on the table and shifting her head back, away from my cock.
She looks up at me, her eyes glazed. “That’s not the reaction I usually get when my lips land in your lap.”
Carter grunts in disgust. “For fuck’s sake! Brother in the room. Too much fucking information.”
“Don’t be such a prude! You’ve had more women suck your cock than I’ve had hot dinners.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you tonight?”
“Nothing. I’m just telling you the truth. I’m not a little girl anymore. It can’t be a shock to you that I suck my boyfriend’s beautiful, big cock.”
What the hell is she doing? I stand, pulling her up with me. “THAT’S ENOUGH, VITTORIA!”
“What are you going to do about it, L-o-g-a-n? Punish me?” She’s up on her tiptoes, an inch from my face, and that’s when I smell it. Alcohol.
I turn to Addi. “I thought you said there was no alcohol in those drinks?”
She looks genuinely stunned. “There isn’t. I didn’t put any in them.”
We all turn to Vittoria as one.
“WHAT
? So I spiced them up a bit. It’s not like I’m underage! I can do what I like.”
She is really pushing me now and I’m close to losing it. “NO, you can’t.”
She slams her fists into my chest, struggling out of my grip. “Then punish me for it. Tie me up, whip me, spank me, fuck me. Do something. Anything!”
“THAT’S ENOUGH… NYX! This isn’t the time or the place to discuss this.”
Carter steps up, his face stone-cold with rage. “What’s she talking about, Logan?”
Vittoria is completely out of control, spinning around to start in on him. “It’s none of your goddamn business. You’re my brother, not my keeper. What I choose to do with him is none of your concern, so stay out of it.”
“The fuck I will! What the hell is going on?”
“God! Don’t be so naïve. You know exactly what’s going on, you just don’t want to see it. Whips, chains, clamps, collars, handcuffs, and canes. I love it all! I’m a fucking submissive. I’m Logan’s submissive.”
Who the hell is this person in front of me? My sweet, submissive Vittoria is gone, and this incarnation is spiteful and vindictive. “ENOUGH! Nyx, you will assume the submissive position, NOW! Not another word from you. I’ve let this go on long enough. I don’t even recognize the person you’ve become, and I sure as hell don’t like this version of you. You’re cruel and spiteful and angry. Take it out on me, fine, but to treat your brother and your friend with such a lack of respect, is fucking unacceptable. Now take your fucking position, and do not utter another word until I say otherwise. Understood?”
“Yes, Master Fitzgerald.” She drops to her knees before me, her eyes lowered to the ground, and her arms clasped behind her back. A surge of adrenaline courses through me, my confidence and control firmly back in place.
I hear Addi gasp as she watches the scene unfolding before her, making her way over to Carter, as he stands frozen to the spot; his eyes fixed on Vittoria, kneeling before me.
“Carter, let’s just go. I think everyone needs time to calm down before we talk about this.” She’s trying to push him backwards toward the door, but it only serves to snap him out of his trance, and focus his attention on me.
I step in front of Vittoria, making sure that she won’t get caught in the middle of what I know is about to happen.
“You’ve fucking brainwashed her. You fucking bastard. What have you done to my sister?” He lunges at me, but I block his punches.
“It’s not what you think. You need to let me explain.”
He takes another swing, this time catching my jaw. “Explain? Explain to me how you took advantage of my little sister? No wonder she tried to kill herself, being trapped in a relationship with a sick fucker like you.”
Vittoria breaks her silence, screaming in my defense. “Don’t you dare talk about him like that. I didn’t do it to get away from him. I love him. He means more to me than anyone else in the world.”
“Fucking brainwashed.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
It warms my heart that she wants to defend me, but yet again, she disobeys me.
“SILENCE! I told you to stay in position and be quiet until I tell you otherwise. Do it, NOW!”
“Yes, Master.”
She returns her gaze to the floor and resumes her silence. I’m distracted by the simple beauty of it, and I don’t see his punch coming, sending me crashing to ground with the force of his rage.
“You fucking bastard. I trusted you. I trusted you to look out for her, to love her. Not to fucking abuse her.”
I jump to my feet, my own rage boiling over. “I’m not abusing her. I love her. She was a submissive before we got together. I didn’t force this on her. I gave it up to be with her, but it wasn’t what she wanted, or needed.”
“Bullshit. She would never willingly be such a pathetic doormat.”
I throw a punch to his ribs, dropping him to the floor. “Don’t fucking talk about her like that. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I know you’re twisted, and if she willingly does that shit, then so is she. You’re fucking sick in the head.”
“Get the fuck out of my house, Carter. I’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down, and are willing to listen to what I have to say.”
“I’m not going anywhere without her. Vittoria, get off the floor and come with me. You don’t have to put up with this shit. It’s not normal.”
She doesn’t move a muscle. She doesn’t speak. She doesn’t lift her eyes to acknowledge him.
“I said move, Tori. You’re coming with me even if I have to carry you out of here.”
She remains still, and I know it’s hard for her, but she’s letting me know that she’s in, that she’s mine - she wants to make this work. It’s all I need.
I resume my stance in front of her. “You’re not taking her, Carter. She’s staying with me. I’m her Master, and whether you like it or not, she wants me. She wants to be my submissive. She was the one that pursued this, and thank fuck she did. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I would never hurt her.”
“You fucking punish her with whips and shit.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t hurt her. I never have, and I never would. That’s not what this is about for us. She needs the boundaries, the structure, and the freedom of knowing that I will always do what’s best for her.”
“Well, you’re doing a great fucking job. She tried to kill herself. Explain to me how that’s you being a good ‘Master.’ You’re fucking deluded.”
“I don’t expect you to understand. Don’t you think I hate myself for letting her down? For not being there when she needed me the most? I did the best I could. She chose to keep what was happening from me. She’s a really good fucking liar, Carter. She lied to all of us. I’m no different than the rest of you. I believed what she told me, because I thought that we didn’t keep things from each other. For whatever reason, she didn’t tell me, and she let it get so bad that she didn’t know how to fix it. If I could go back and change it, I would. I would never have let us be apart for so long. I would have given up the tour to go and be with her. I would have done anything to make her happy, and to protect her from herself. I can’t fucking change it, and I will live with that for the rest of my fucking life. But, instead of doing the easy thing, and walking away, I’m here. I take shit from her every day, because she’s angry at her own life. Not with me. She’s heartbroken. Ballet was everything to her. I’m just trying to help her find her place in the world again. I’ll take whatever she throws at me, for however long it takes for her to realize that I’m not the enemy, but I suspect she already knows that. She knows that I would walk through fire for her. I will never give up on her. If she chooses to leave, then that is her decision, and I won’t force her to stay. One day, I’ll explain all of this to you, and hopefully you’ll see that all I’ve ever wanted to do, is love her. I will always love her.”
“You’re kidding yourself if you think this is love.”
Addi is by his side. “I think it’s time to go.” She turns to me, a look of sympathy in her eyes. “We’ll talk more when things have calmed down. Just look after her, Logan, or so help me God, you won’t have to worry about Carter; I’ll hunt you down myself.”
“I’ll look after her. I promise.”
Carter walks over to her, dropping to his knees in front of her. “Look at me, Tori.” She keeps her eyes to the ground. “Please, look at me. I love you.”
I watch as his eyes fill with tears, afraid for his sister. “Nyx, you can look at him, and answer him if he asks you a question.”
He shoots me a venomous glare before returning his attention to Vittoria, who is now staring at him, tears coursing down her cheeks. “Come with me. I’ll protect you. I know I’ve let you down so many times, but I won’t do it again. Please, I can take you away from all of this. You don’t have to let him hurt you, and you don’t have to do as he says.�
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He didn’t ask her a direct question, and therefore she just sits, crying in silence. “Are you afraid of him?”
Her answer is immediate, and vehement. “NO! He would never hurt me. He’s telling you the truth.”
“Why are you doing this? I don’t understand.”
“Because it’s who I am. It’s a part of me. I didn’t change for him. He didn’t corrupt me. He tried to push me away, but I wouldn’t let him. I need this, and he’s the only person that understands. He’s unlike any Dominant I’ve ever had.”
“There have been others? How many?”
“I’m not talking about that with you, and not in front of my Master. It’s disrespectful.”
“Why, Vittoria? Why do you need this?”
“I’ll never be able to make you understand. I just do. I crave it, like air. I’m lost without it; without him. I love him. Please, don’t make me choose, because I love you, but I will choose him. I’ll always choose him.” My heart takes flight, fighting to break free.
Carter looks crushed, and I can’t help but feel sympathy for him. Even if he hates me for this, I still care about him, I always will, but Vittoria is my priority. He doesn’t say another word to her, raising himself to his feet, and moving round to where I stand, squaring his shoulders. “You’re fucking dead to me, Logan. This isn’t over, not by a long fucking shot.” He shoves past me, slamming his shoulder into mine as he makes his way over to Addi and heads for the door, and as it slams behind them, I can hear him cursing in Italian, before an almighty thud reverberates throughout the room.
I wait until I know the elevator is gone, before opening the front door and confirming my suspicions. There’s a fist-sized hole in the wall outside my apartment, with blood dripping down the stone colored paint. A stark and chilling contrast.