by Sienna Parks
She hasn’t spoken since we got back to my apartment. I thought it best that I give her some time to rest and regroup before I talk to her about all of this. In truth, I needed time, too. This is all so far beyond what I thought I was dealing with. I thought this was about the loss of her dancing career. I knew that someone had hurt her, I assumed a past boyfriend or Dom. I thought that if I gave her time, she would open up to me. Hearing Liam say that whatever this is happened when she was young… I was so far off the mark. I should have insisted that she told me from the start. I wanted to be with her so badly that I bent my own rules of full disclosure and afforded her the privacy that is now clearly destroying her.
It’s been two hours since I brought her home, and as I creep into the bedroom, careful not to wake her, I find that she’s in the exact position I left her, still staring at the same spot on the wall; a blank look on her face. I kneel at the side of the bed, directly in her line of sight. It’s as if she’s looking through me; as if I’m not even here.
“Talk to me, Vittoria. Look at me. Anything.”
Nothing.
I’m not ashamed to admit that she is really scaring me. I don’t know how to help her, but trying the soft approach hasn’t worked, so I do the only thing I know.
“LOOK AT ME, NYX… NOW.” Her eyes come to life, darting up to meet mine.
“This is my fault. I was too lax with you. Obviously, I was wrong.”
“This isn’t your fault, Logan. It’s who I am. There’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Bullshit. For a start. Do not call me Logan. I am your Master and you will afford me the respect I deserve after the stunt you pulled today. I may not have been the Master you need up until this point, but rest assured, I won’t make the same mistake again. Sit up.”
I watch the effort it takes for her to lift her small frame from the bed. She seems so defeated. It’s devastating.
“Now, I need you to tell me what Liam was talking about. I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been keeping something from me. You were open about that fact. I thought if I gave you time, you would trust me enough to open up to me, but now I know that this isn’t about trust. This is about how you see yourself; about what you think is going to happen if you open up to me.”
“I can’t tell you.”
I grab her by the shoulders, fighting the urge to shake her in my frustration.
“ENOUGH! You will tell me, Nyx. I won’t have a submissive that disrespects me. I can’t protect you and care for you properly if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on.”
“You’ll look at me differently. I don’t want your pity. You won’t think I’m perfect anymore, you’ll think I’m dirty.”
“FUCKING HELL! When are you going to understand? When are you going to grasp how much I love you? You’re tearing us apart because of something you think is going to happen. Nothing can be worse than what I just witnessed, and I’m still fucking here. You’re killing me.”
I loosen my grip on her, caressing my hands up and over her shoulders, along her neck and onto her face, cupping her cheeks in my palms. My voice is soft but commanding, my gaze pinning her, entreating her to listen to me.
“I will make a promise to you here and now. Nothing you could ever say, nothing you could ever do, or that has ever been done to you, would make me love you any less. You’re it for me, Vittoria. I don’t think you’re perfect, not by a long shot, but I love you, flaws and all. I love your strengths and your weaknesses. I love every part of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please put your faith in that… in me. Let me help you. Please, Nyx… tell me why you hate yourself, when there is so much to love about you.”
Her tears fall freely, drenching my hands. I pull her down onto the floor beside me, cradling her in my arms.
“You have to tell me, baby…”
Cries wrack her body, causing her to convulse in my arms. It breaks my heart to see her like this, but if she doesn’t face this now, I fear she might never come back from this. I thought her overdose was a cry for help. That in her heart of hearts she didn’t really want to die that day. I believed what I wanted to believe, because the alternative was too distressing, too awful to contemplate. I thought we were past the worst of it when she made it through rehab. But, now I see, it was just the beginning. The end of her career was a catalyst for so much more. Ballet was her way of coping, and when that was lost, it all came crashing down around her. She overdosed… to end her own life; to end her perpetual suffering. How did I not see that? How could I have failed her so badly?
When her body settles and her cries diminish, I have to ask her again. I need to know.
“What happened to you?”
She lifts her gaze to mine, her eyes red and puffy, bloodshot from so many tears.
“I was ten years old when it happened.”
Shit. I steel myself for what I fear is coming. I know I need to hold it together for her, to be strong enough for both of us.
“It was Carter’s fourteenth birthday party and all of my parents’ friends were there to help celebrate. People I had known my whole life. It was like any other day, any other party… until it wasn’t. I died that day. The Vittoria I was… happy and carefree, trusting… just… died.”
I pull her closer, wishing I could take this away for her, but I don’t say a word, giving her the space she needs to continue.
“Marcus was one of my dad’s best friends. He was like an uncle to me and Carter. We loved him. He was always the fun one, giving us treats, and getting my dad to cave if we really wanted something. Carter idolized him. I don’t know how he managed to fool everyone for so many years. I don’t know why he did it. I wasn’t the only girl he…”
She starts to shake in my arms. “It’s okay, Vittoria. I’m here with you. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.” I stroke her hair, trying to calm her rapid heartbeat I feel pounding against my chest.
“He told me he had a surprise for me. That wasn’t unusual, so I didn’t think anything of it when he told me it was up in my bedroom waiting for me. He took my hand and led me upstairs, away from everyone. I knew something was different when he closed the door and turned the lock.”
I don’t know if I can hear this.
“He told me that if I screamed… he would hurt Carter. He knew that Carter was everything to me. I was terrified of anything happening to him, so I kept quiet while he…” She breaks down. “I can’t say it… please, don’t make me say it.”
“Shhh. It’s okay. I’ve got you.” I need to know for certain. “Did he rape you?” It kills me even to say the words.
She nods her head, dropping her gaze to the floor.
My world crumbles around me. Everything I thought I knew, scatters into disarray. I am overcome with rage. I feel murderous, holding her broken, shaking body in my arms, and I need to take a moment to rein it in, because I can feel my own body beginning to shake. I try to breathe through the anger, my hands fisting so tight that it hurts.
When I finally gain control of myself, I lift her chin, making sure she is looking into my eyes as I say these words. “Don’t ever hang your head in shame, Vittoria. You did nothing wrong. You were a child. He was an evil son of a bitch, and that is no reflection on who you are.” I wipe the tears from her eyes. “He took your innocence, and despite that, despite everything that you’ve been through, you have grown into the most amazing, caring, loving, extraordinary woman I have ever met. I could never think less of you. I love you even more.”
Her eyes search mine, looking for some hint that I’m not being truthful with her.
“Vittoria de Rossi, I love you. Understand this. Own it. Know that you deserve it.” She tries to look away, but I won’t let her. “No. You need to hear this. You need to stop hating yourself, punishing yourself, for something that you had no control over. You are exceptional. You are breathtaking both inside and out. You are and forever will be… my Nyx. My goddess. My everything. Let me in, baby, please. I’m be
gging you.”
She throws her arms around my neck, kissing me with everything she has, and I let her; giving her the connection she so desperately needs right now. That we both do.
When she finally breaks away, I know that we need to finish this discussion, because if we don’t, one of two things will happen. Either, she will close herself off from me again, and it will tear us apart, or, we’ll discuss it later, and I’ll need to put her through this torment and despair all over again. I don’t know if either of us can cope with that.
“Does Carter know?”
She lets out a sigh. “He was the one that found me.” My heart breaks for them both. For the girl that idolized her big brother, and for him, my friend, having to deal with finding her, at the age of fourteen. I can’t even begin to imagine how he was able to cope with that. “He made sure I was safe, before going to find Marcus. He attacked him in the middle of the party and that’s when my parents found out. Marcus’s still in prison to this day. My dad found out that he had done this to other girls and he made sure that he’ll never see the outside of a cell.”
“Good, because if he was out, I would fucking hunt him down and gut him like a pig.”
“Carter feels the same way. Don’t you see? I’m the reason Carter is the way he is. He always blamed himself for not being able to protect me. That stayed with him. It’s why he never let any woman get close, it’s why he’s had such a hard time trying to make it work with Addi. It all comes back to him feeling like he can’t protect the women he loves. It’s my fault. It ruined his life. I hate seeing how it changed him.”
Her tears begin to fall again, but this time they are for her brother. As always, she is thinking not of herself, but of everyone else around her.
“You can’t shoulder that burden, Vittoria. It is all on Marcus. Carter loves you more than his own life, and that’s his choice to make. It’s understandable, you’re very loveable.” That gets a hint of a smile from her. God, I miss her smile. “You can’t feel guilty about him. He’s doing just fine. Yes, he was a man-whore, but most guys our age are. Look at him now. He’s making it work with Addi. He loves her something fierce. He’s happy.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?” I can’t believe she’s asking me this.
“Because I love you… more than anything or anyone in my life. You need to accept that and know that it’s a truth that will never change.”
“I’ll try.” She looks so exhausted.
I know we need to talk about what happened at the club tonight, about what she did, but now isn’t the time. She has trusted me with this huge secret, and if I push her as to why she felt she had to go to someone else, I’m concerned that it will push her over the edge. She needs to rest, and I need time to think; to process all of this and decide how we move forward from here.
“You need to sleep. We’ll talk about Liam tomorrow.”
It suddenly hits her.
“Oh my God. OH MY GOD! Logan… Master Fitzgerald, I’m so sorry, please forgive me, please. I couldn’t live with myself if you don’t forgive me. I can’t believe I did that to you, after everything that you’ve done for me. OH MY GOD! I wasn’t thinking straight. You have to believe me. FUCK! Please.”
I clutch her against me, forcing her to calm down.
“Slow down. Breathe. Stop. I told you, we will discuss this tomorrow. For now, I want you to rest. Do you understand me, Nyx?”
“Yes, Master Fitzgerald.”
I press a tender kiss to her forehead. “Do you remember the promise I made to you?” She doesn’t respond. “I promised you that I would never give up on you, that I could never give up on you. That hasn’t changed. We have a long road ahead of us, but I’m here, and if you still want to be my submissive, then I will make this work.”
I hate that I’m nervous of her answer. I hate that she has such a hold over me. I was so consumed with hate and anger tonight, and I know that she has her reasons, and she has been through more than anyone ever should, but I would never let any other submissive shame me like that, and allow her to remain in my life. I worry that my love for her is making me weak, and if I’m weak, then how can I be the Master she needs to help her through this?
“I want to be with you, Master. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I will be better, I’ll do better.”
I feel so many conflicting emotions, and I don’t like it.
“You need to rest. Get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
I lift her onto the bed, pull the covers over her, and turn to leave, but she grasps my hand.
“Please don’t leave me, Master. Stay with me.” I nod my head in defeat. She needs me, and her need to have me close, comes before my own need for distance.
I lie down beside her and pull her back against my chest.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Master Fitzgerald.”
It’s not long before she falls asleep, her breathing becoming slow and even. It’s then, in the darkness, that I become consumed by my own fear, and anger, and guilt. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
If I fail her again, it could be fatal… for both of us.
I can’t even look at her.
How am I supposed to be there for her, to help her through this, if I can’t look into her eyes without seeing the betrayal that is burned into my retinas, and seared into the walls of my heart?
Last night was one of the worst of my life. I can’t say it was the worst, because that will forever be the day that I got the call from Kelen Hospital; the day I found out that the love of my life tried to kill herself. That day has stayed with me, tormenting me, making it impossible for me to find my way back to her.
I want… I need to get us through this, because if I don’t… well, the alternative is unspeakable.
I thought that we were slowly moving in the right direction. I knew that we still had a long way to go, and that I couldn’t hurt her in the way she wanted, but I thought that removing physical punishment altogether for a while, would give her time to understand where I was coming from. Now, I realize how wrong I’ve been. I still believe that hurting her to assuage her inner pain would have been unhealthy, but I think that removing it completely, along with her pleasure, has only made her worse. Our physical chemistry has always been such a big part of how we communicate our feelings for one another, and the loss of that has been a huge roadblock in us finding our way back to each other.
I’ve tried so many times to get her to talk to me about it, about everything, but she just shuts down. Last night is the first time that she’s really opened up to me, about anything. I should have listened to that feeling I had in the beginning. I convinced myself that whatever it was she was holding back, it couldn’t have been that big a deal, if she didn’t feel the need to tell me. I was only lying to myself, and in the end, it hurt Vittoria more than I can handle. I was selfish, but that’s no surprise; I’ve always been selfish with her, since the first time I kissed her, I’ve been unforgivably selfish.
Last night has forced me into action, and we need to build on that. She needs to talk to me now. If she doesn’t, there’s no hope left for us. She broke my heart, and my heart has been breaking for her every day since I got on that plane. It’s almost more than I can bear. The only thing worse, would be to lose her altogether. Now that I know what she’s been carrying around all this time, I hope I can be a better man for her, to find a way to move beyond her betrayal, and to help her deal with the loss of her career. She needs to talk to someone about what happened when she was young, to fully come to terms with it. If she had worked through her emotions and her grief, I don’t think we would be in the situation we are now.
Dance gave her an escape, a way to cope, and that’s been stripped away. She’s lost. We’re lost. But, I want to make it better. I want to keep my promise to her that I will always be here, that I will always love her, and protect her, even from herself.
I lie awake all night, staring at her, wondering what I’m going to say
to her today. I need to reinforce my place as her Master, because what she did with Liam, can never happen again. I couldn’t see that again and forgive her. I don’t know if I can forgive her now. Logically, I understand why she did it, that she wasn’t in a good place, and that she didn’t fully grasp what she was doing at the time. That was evident when I mentioned it. She was shocked and horrified with herself, and I would love to say that I could put it behind me and move on, but I’m not made that way. Nevertheless, how can I punish her? How can I hold it against her after what she told me? It would make me the worst man in the world, to hear what she’s been through, and to punish her for reacting in the only way she felt she could.
I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. If I tell her that it’s okay, and that I forgive her, then my role as her Master, is questionable at best. If I focus on what she did, rather than her subsequent revelations, I’m a dick. How do I navigate this? I usually excel when it comes to walking the fine line in life. It’s where I feel most powerful, most like myself, but this is something else entirely.
I don’t think I slept at all. I felt physically ill most of the night. I replayed the sight of her in his playroom, over and over in my mind, and when I managed to push it from the forefront of my thoughts, I was grief-stricken by what that monster did to her when she was a helpless, trusting girl. I had to jump out of bed at one point to throw up in the bathroom.
I’m weak, and pathetic, and I hate that I’ve let myself become this person.
I leave Vittoria to sleep while I take a shower, and try to put the broken pieces of myself back together, letting the water cascade over my body, washing away my doubt and insecurity, steeling myself for the conversation I need to have with her. I stand under the showerhead for at least fifteen minutes, my head pressed against the cold tiles, the water beating down on my back as I slowly regroup, remembering who I am, and why she was drawn to me in the first place.
I stepped into the shower as Logan - battered and bruised by life. But, when I finally emerge, I feel stronger.