by Carrie Daws
Life’s getting better, right? Melody stared at the long road to Durham, North Carolina. As she traveled to see Cole, the tall pine trees mocked her wishful thinking. They reminded her of people standing silent, allowing room for pallbearers to accomplish their task.
Melody stepped outside the hospital on Wednesday afternoon to get some fresh air. She walked down the sidewalk to a bench and decided to sit for a while where the air didn’t smell of disinfectant and the people weren’t talking about children getting to go home. Her Cole was not improving.
Her phone vibrated, and she thought about ignoring it so she could soak in a little more peace. It might be Lisa or the chaplain. “Hello?”
“Mel!”
“David!”
“How’s Cole? What have the doctors said?”
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she unloaded the truth of the situation on her husband. “It’s not good. They don’t think his body could survive the procedure his heart needs right now, but they are asking me if I want them to try. David, I don’t know what to do!” Tears started falling gently.
“I’m coming home, Mel. It will probably take another three or four days, but I’m on the next plane.”
“Really?”
“Do you have anyone with you? Is anyone helping you through this?”
“The wives of your team mates have been great. They’ve gone through Cole’s room and sanitized it, they made me supper last night, and they are bringing something again tonight. And the chaplain made arrangements to get Mom and Aunt Patricia from the airport to our house later tonight.”
“They’re both coming in?”
“Yeah.” Melody smiled just a bit. “And apparently Aunt Patricia gave Ryan quite the time of it Monday for not telling her everything he knew.”
“Ryan?”
“Yeah, I called Brittney last week. I just needed to hear the voice of someone familiar.”
“I’m sorry you’ve had to do this alone, Mel.”
“Just come home, David. We need you.”
Chapter 9
MELODY’S MOM, DOROTHY, TRAVELED TO the hospital with her on Thursday. The cardiac catheterization lab, with Melody’s permission, scheduled Cole for the procedure to try to position an implant to cover the hole in Cole’s heart.
“Did I do the right thing, Mom?” Melody asked as they sat in the waiting room.
Dorothy fixed her gray eyes on her daughter. “You have to try, sweetheart. You heard the doctor say he isn’t going to get better until his heart is fixed.”
“But what if waiting a couple of days would be better?”
Her mother put the crocheted square she was working on down in her lap and looked at her. “Has the pneumonia been getting any better?”
Melody took a deep breath. “No.”
“I know you are looking for certainty, for definite answers.” Dorothy shook her head, her short gray and white hair not moving with the motion. “But life doesn’t work that way. You have to make the best decisions you can with the information available to you at the time.”
“But what if I don’t like the results?”
“Melody, you have to stop living in your what-if world. What if a bomb explodes underneath your feet? What if the electricity goes out? What if the surgeon has a heart attack?”
Melody stood and paced away from her mom. She’s right. But this isn’t her child. This isn’t her decision. The weight of this is on me! What if another day or two would make a difference?
Glancing at the clock, she continued pacing the waiting room. The doctors had told her the procedure would take about 30 minutes. Much less than that, she’d been warned, and it probably meant they had to quit before it was done. They’d taken him back about 45 minutes ago, after the nurse told her it would take about 30 minutes to prepare him before the doctors could start. Come on, Cole. You can do this!
“Honey, come sit down.”
“Mom, I can’t sit right now. I need to move.”
“Moving is not going to help Cole.”
“Not moving won’t help him either.”
She heard her mom sigh. “True.”
“Mrs. Podell?”
Melody heard her name called, and her gaze flew to the clock. Fifty minutes. Oh, no!
“Yes? I’m Melody Podell.”
“Hi. I’m a doctor with the team working on Cole.”
Melody approached this new doctor, focusing on his bushy eyebrows to keep her knees from buckling. She felt her mom walk up beside her.
“We were able to get the tube into Cole’s leg, but just before we got up to his heart, he took a turn downhill. We had to pull the tube back out and stabilize him.”
“So you weren’t able to put the patch on?” said Dorothy, the wrinkles on her brow increasing with her expression.
“No, ma’am. We’ll give him 24 to 48 hours to recover and see how he’s doing.”
Melody could barely breathe. They were almost to his heart and had to stop. Couldn’t they push it just a little farther? Didn’t they say it was better if his heart was fixed?
She turned and walked away from the doctor, blindly stopping in front of the chair where her mom had just been sitting. She could hear the doctor and her mom continuing to talk. She probably should listen to their discussion.
But would it make a difference? Why couldn’t they just have finished the procedure?
Melody walked into Cole’s isolation room with two cups of coffee the next morning. Aunt Patricia had Doctor K. cornered. Melody almost felt sorry for him, but then she couldn’t even remember his full name other than it was something Greek-sounding. Who is in worse shape right now? Him or me?
“Now, doc, I’m a bit confused. Why is his heart too big if it’s pumping his blood lik’n it’s supposed to?”
“Part of his heart is doing an excellent job of pumping the blood, Mrs. Guire. The problem is that since some of the blood is escaping through the hole and recirculating back to the lungs, not all the blood is going to the rest of his body. The heart is having to work extra hard to get the normal blood flow plus the additional blood flow into his lungs.”
This doc talks a lot with his hands, Melody noticed. I wonder if his hands always have to be busy like a mother’s hands do.
“Which is why his heart rate is up?”
“Yes. The heart is basically just a muscle, and when you work out a muscle . . .” said the doctor.
“It gets bigger.” Patricia took the coffee offered by Melody and took a sip.
Melody watched Patricia’s hair bounced slightly with each movement of her head, a stark contrast to her mom’s perfectly combed style.
“Mrs. Podell, we’re going to run a couple more tests today on your son. I want to check his blood work and also get a fresh echocardiogram.”
“Echo?” said Melody. “That’s a picture of the heart, right?”
“Sort of. It’s an ultrasound.”
“What will that do for you, doc?” said Patricia.
“It will give us an update on the pneumonia and how his heart is doing. I’m hearing some new sounds in there, and I want a better idea of what’s happening.”
“New sounds?” Melody put her hand to her chest. Could this finally be good news?
“Yes. It could be a lot of things at this point, so I don’t want to get your hopes up.”
“You saying the sounds ain’t good ones?”
Melody wanted to lash out at her aunt. Of course the sounds are good ones. This is it! Finally, my baby is fighting and winning!
“Ma’am, I really can’t say until we get the test results. Right now, we can hope for the best because he seems to be stable. I’ll have more news for you once I get those test results back.”
Melody felt like floating as the doctor left. She turned and looked at her baby. I knew you could do this, Cole. I knew it!
Melody turned sharply away from the window several hours later when the alarm sounded. She looked first at her son, then at the machines conn
ected to him. Eyes wide, she looked at the screens, hoping one would hold up a sign to tell her the problem.
A nurse came in, took a brief look at the screens, and pushed a button. “Well, well, baby boy. Whatcha think you’re doing now? We can’t be having this, you know?”
“Wh—What’s wrong? What happened?”
“He’s just not getting quite enough oxygen,” said the nurse.
“What’s that mean? He ain’t breathing?”
Leave it to Aunt Patricia to get straight to the point. Of course Cole was breathing. Her eyes flew to Cole’s chest. Wasn’t he?
“Oh, he’s breathing, sure enough. He’s just not getting enough of the oxygen to his body. His poor lungs are so eat up with the RSV.” The nurse watched the monitors for another moment.
“So what are you planning on doing, then?” said Patricia.
“I’ll report this to the doctor, but we’ll just be giving him a little help for a bit. I’m sure we’ll just get him on a nasal cannula so we can get a higher oxygen level down his little nose like it’s supposed to. Be back in just a minute!”
The nurse breezed out of the room, leaving Melody at a loss. But, Cole. You were doing better.
Part of her wanted to argue against herself. It’s just oxygen. But it sounded so empty. Hollow. It feels like a step backwards. Oh, baby.
“Mrs. Podell. I’m glad I caught you before you left for tonight.”
Melody looked at the doctor she’d spoken with earlier in the day. “Do you have the test results back?”
“Yes, and I’m afraid it’s not good. The right ventricle of your son’s heart is getting smaller.”
“Isn’t that what we want to happen?” said Patricia.
“No, ma’am,” said Dr. K. “His heart wall is now getting enlarged. His lungs are so consumed with the pneumonia and RSV that he can no longer get enough blood to them to get oxygen.”
“What’s all that fancy talk mean?” said Patricia. “I don’t understand the problem.”
“The blood leaves the right side of the heart and goes to the lungs to pick up oxygen. Then it travels back into the left side of the heart and gets pushed out to the rest of the body to provide the organs with oxygen so they can work properly.”
“So turn up the oxygen. Your nurse has been in here a couple times today doing that.”
“It’s not that simple, ma’am. Turning up the oxygen helps, but it doesn’t fix the problem, which is the hole in his heart.”
“Cole,” said Melody.
“Ma’am?” The doctor looked at her as if she’d lost her mind.
“His name is Cole.”
The doctor’s face softened, filling with pity as he looked at her. “Mrs. Podell, I’m sorry. I know this isn’t easy.”
“Do you?” Melody looked directly at the doctor, then continued quietly. “Do you really know?”
“So what’s your plan now?” said Patricia.
The doctor looked at her and then at Melody. “We’re going to keep a careful watch over him all night. Hopefully, something will give. Ideally, we need that RSV to begin to break apart.” The doctor looked back at Melody. “If you’re a praying woman, that’s what I would ask for.”
Chapter 10
MELODY TOSSED AND TURNED IN bed that night, desperate for sleep. Thank goodness Mom is here. She’s at least got the house in order for David’s arrival.
Her husband had called earlier while she’d been at the hospital with Aunt Patricia. He’d be landing in Raleigh, North Carolina, tomorrow night.
Will Cole last that long?
She turned and looked at the clock. It’s 1:17. Maybe something warm to drink will help.
She opened her door and saw a faint glow coming from the living room. Padding down the hallway, she peeked into the living room and saw Aunt Patty. Her eyes were closed, but her lips were moving and her Bible sat in her lap. Melody just shook her head and turned to the kitchen.
She stared into her open refrigerator, but nothing looked appealing. Finally grabbing the milk, she turned to get a mug. Aunt Patty stood in the doorway. “I didn’t expect you to be awake.”
“Just seeking a bit of wisdom from God,” said Patricia.
“Did He bother to give you any?”
“Yes.”
Melody wanted to slam her cup down and scream He’s a fraud! She squeezed her eyes closed and rubbed her temple. “Well, ain’t that special.”
“Melody, do you know that it’s okay to be mad at God?”
“What?” Melody couldn’t believe she was having this conversation.
“He isn’t scared that you might throw a temper tantrum. In fact, He’d prefer that to what you’re currently doing.”
Melody took a deep breath and clenched her fists. “God does not care about me, and He clearly does not care about Cole.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Patricia!” Melody’s mom stood across the living room, witnessing the exchange through the open breakfast bar lining one kitchen wall. “What are you doing?”
Patricia turned to face her sister. “We can’t keep tiptoeing around her. She’s in a wrestling match with the Almighty, and all she wants to do is sit in a corner and pout!”
“I don’t quite see how telling her to throw a temper tantrum is helpful. Her child is fighting for his life!”
“Is he?” Patricia asked pointedly.
“Is he what?”
“Is he fighting for his life?”
Melody gasped and clung to the counter for support. Her mom stormed closer to Patricia.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m just wondering if maybe that child has a better grasp of the eternal than we do. Maybe he’s not fighting for himself. Maybe he’s fighting for his momma’s soul.”
Dorothy threw her hands up in the air. “I don’t even know how to respond to that!”
“Then quit talking and do some listening for once. This world is not all about us. But God will use this world to draw us closer to Him.” Patricia aimed her finger at Dorothy’s face. “Your child is turning her back on Him. She’s angry and won’t near admit it. I know you see it. But you won’t address it.”
“She has a right to be angry!”
“Of course she does! But holdin’ it all in ain’t doin’ none of us any good. She’s . . .”
“Enough!” Melody put her hands up to her ears. “Enough. Quit talking about me like I’m not in the room. Just . . .” Melody shook her head. “Just quit talking!”
She pushed through the two women and stormed to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. How dare they! How dare she! Aunt Patty started all this. If she’d ever had any children, she would know better. She would know that I only have Cole’s best interests at heart. I’m making the best decisions I can for my son so he can live.
A sob escaped her. She fell onto her bed and cried into her pillow. Eventually, she fell asleep.
Melody stood at the top of a hill watching three children play in the field below. A woman ran with them, twirling and laughing. Melody longed to join them but held back.
The woman turned and looked at her. She beckoned, yet Melody couldn’t force her legs to move forward to join in the fun.
She looked behind her and saw Cole nestled in the arms of a man she didn’t know; his focus was completely on her child. Uncertain, she called to the man, and he looked at her. His blue eyes seemed to pierce her heart, and she gasped.
“Who are you?”
The man quietly looked at her, then toward the sky. He began to float, rising from the earth.
“Wait!”
Her words had no affect on him.
She raced toward him. “My baby! Give me back my baby!”
An alarm burst through her senses, and Melody covered her ears with both hands, cowering near the ground.
Suddenly she turned, flinging bed covers and sitting upright. “My baby!”
Disoriented, she looked around the dark room. A dream. It was just a dream. She
ran her fingers through her hair and tried to calm down.
Her mom knocked before opening the door. “Melody, honey?”
She sighed. “Yeah, Mom?”
“The hospital is on the phone. They say it’s urgent.”
The alarm. The phone. My baby! Melody scrambled over to David’s side of the bed and grabbed the phone.
“Hello? This is Melody Podell.”
“Mrs. Podell. I’m Dr. Campbell, one of the doctors working on your son. Throughout the night, his oxygen saturation has continued to drop. We tried increasing the flow through his nasal cannula, but it wasn’t enough. His O2 sats dropped into the 50s, so we’ve had to intubate him and put him on a ventilator.”
“Intubate?” Melody could hardly breathe herself.
“Yes, ma’am. We put a tube down his throat and connected it to a machine to help him breathe.”
“So he’s okay now?”
“Well, the machine wasn’t helping enough, so we also started him on inhaled nitric oxide. Ideally, this opens up the lungs’s blood vessels to allow more blood flow.”
“Ideally?”
“Your son’s lungs are so full of mucus from the RSV, the nitric oxide just isn’t working.”
Melody rubbed her temple. “What does that mean?”
“We’ve started several PICC lines—”
“PICC lines?”
“IV lines into his arms so we can give him more medicine. We’ve added dopamine and dobutamine to increase his blood pressure and an epinephrine drip to strengthen his heart’s ability to contract. We’ve also sedated and paralyzed him.”
“Was that necessary?”
“Ma’am, we’re doing everything we can, but the last thing we need is for him to fight against those tubes.”
“Okay. That makes sense, I guess.”
“Mrs. Podell, considering everything he’s been through tonight, you need to know that things do not look good. Quite honestly, I don’t know how long his body is going to hold out.”
Melody felt the tears gathering.