Amber felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She didn’t know if anything, other than friendship, would ever happen with her and Seth. She did know, however, that she felt better having explained her behavior.
“Do you know why I was in DC that night?” Seth asked, a darkness falling over his gaze.
“No.” Amber’s heart jumped. Seth had never opened up to her in any way before. She realized she was holding her breath in anticipation of what he would say.
--- ~ ---
Seth felt his heart pounding and his palms were sweaty as he sat in front of Amber. He knew what he wanted to tell her, but he wasn’t sure where to start.
“I don’t know how much you know about my mom. She suffered from bi-polar disorder. She got sick, the first time, right after Jason was born. I was four then. She left when I was ten. By the time she moved out, most of her days were spent in bed, crying. But, there were a few occasions in those last few months that she had ‘happy’ days.
“One of those times was when I was on a field trip to Washington DC. She wasn't scheduled to chaperone, but on the spur of the moment, she flew out there anyway. We were all supposed to be going to see the Washington Monument, but she pulled me away from the group. She said that sightseeing with the class was boring and she wanted us to go off on our own.
“I knew that I shouldn’t leave, but she was so happy. I just wanted her to stay happy. So I went with her. She took me all over the city that day. I have no idea how long we walked. I just remember her smiling the whole day. Even though my mom was sick, she was still my mom. With four little brothers in the house, I didn’t get a lot of one-on-one time with her. That day was the best day, and the last day, I spent with her.
“We ended up at The Four Seasons having dinner. She was telling me all about what her dreams had been when she was growing up. How she had wanted to be a model and live in New York. I saw a completely new side of her that I had never seen before. I had never seen her as a real person with ambitions and dreams. She was just my mom.”
Seth paused. He hated thinking about this next part. “After we had been there probably three hours she excused herself to go to the bathroom. She didn’t come back. Some of the hotel staff eventually called the police to report an abandoned kid.
“The police had been looking for me all day since my teacher had reported me missing. I don’t remember how long I sat there waiting for my mom to come back, but after what felt like a long time, a policeman came to the table and took me down to the station. They found my mom passed out, drunk, in an alley nearby. I went home with my class and my mom moved out right after that.
“I went back to the hotel that night because August 14, 2005 would have been my mom’s fiftieth birthday and I just wanted to remember the last time we spent together.”
Tears started falling down Amber’s face again and she reached out to hold Seth’s hand. As soon as he felt the pads of her fingers brush against him, awareness spread through him like a wildfire.
“I’m so sorry, Seth,” she sniffed.
Seth looked down at their hands. Amber’s was so delicate. She had such beautiful, thin fingers and they were such a stark contrast to his. He wrapped his large hand around hers.
He heard her suck in an audible breath but he didn’t look up at her. He watched as he brushed his thumb across her wrist over her bracelet. He could feel her pulse racing as he rubbed her silky soft skin.
Every time they touched, it was like an explosion of desire detonated inside of him. There was no slow build to it. It was instantaneous. It was powerful. It was consuming.
He wanted so badly to tug her arm and pull her to him. He wanted to touch her. To hold her. To lose himself in her.
But that wouldn’t be fair to her. He couldn’t be what she needed. He was too messed up. There was just too much darkness in him. She needed a good man. He was not a good man.
Somehow, he was able to reach deep down into the depths of his being and find a well of self-control that, until this very moment, he hadn't even known he possessed. He slowly pulled his hand away from hers. He immediately missed the contact.
“We'd better get some sleep,” he rasped, even though he knew that with Amber just a wall away, sleep would be impossible.
He looked up when she didn’t answer. He saw that her cheeks were flushed and her eyes looked a little glazed over.
“Amber.”
“What?” she said, sounding as if she was coming out of a fog.
“I would offer you the bedroom, but since there’s no bed in there, I think you'd be more comfortable on the couch.”
“You don’t have a bed?” she asked, her brow furrowing in confusion.
“No.”
“Then what are you going to sleep on?”
“The floor.”
“You can’t sleep on the floor,” she stated as if the idea was completely ludicrous.
“I’ve slept on worse. Believe me.”
“This is ridiculous. You are not going to sleep on the floor. I can just go home or to a hotel or stay at - ”
“Amber. I want you to stay,” his tone came out sounding harsher than he had intended it to.
“Okay,” she answered immediately.
He breathed a sigh of relief.
It felt so right, having her there. He didn’t want her to be anywhere but here with him, even though he wasn’t sure he could afford what her presence would cost him. She had only been there an hour and he had already decided that he could probably never enjoy a pizza there again...without her.
--- ~ ---
Amber held pins between her lips as she pulled the side of Chelle’s dress tighter. She couldn’t believe how much weight Chelle had dropped in the last few weeks. Amber was going to need to do some serious alterations on Chelle’s dress. The wedding was still a week away, and if Chelle continued to drop weight at this pace, Amber was going to be altering it the day of.
“You look ah-may-zing!” Katie exclaimed as she bounced baby Mya in her arms.
“Thanks,” Chelle said. “It’s the breastfeeding. At least that’s what people keep telling me.”
Amber pulled a pin from her mouth. “That might be part of it, but I think that it has to do with genetics, too. Gotta have good genes.”
“Speaking of good genes, how’s Seth?”
“Seriously Katie. How is that segue justified?” Amber shook her head at her friend.
Chelle and Amber had been at Bella for an entire twenty minutes and neither of them had mentioned anything about her new roommate until now. Amber was shocked it had taken this long to bring him up.
“Seth is a Sloan. Are you seriously going to argue that those men don’t have good genes?” Katie said, sounding extremely proud of her rejoinder.
“Good point. I concede. That was actually an excellent segue, Katie. What it lacked in subtlety it made up for in creativity,” Amber said as she began pinning the bottom of Chelle’s dress.
“Thank you. Now spill,” Katie said, her voice high as she cooed the baby while simultaneously grilling Amber. Katie was a great multi-tasker.
“Sorry to disappoint you, but there is nothing to spill,” Amber said.
“Oh, come on. You’ve been there a week and you're going to tell me nothing has happened?”
“Yes,” Amber said, and she heard the frustration bleeding into her voice. “The first night I was there, we had dinner. After dinner, there was a moment where I thought...you know...maybe. But that moment passed, and has not come around again. I know he’s keeping his distance from me, I just don’t know why.”
“Have you asked him?” Chelle asked.
“No. What am I supposed to say? Hey Seth, thanks for letting me stay with you. You have been such an amazing friend. Ummm, quick question, do you wanna have sex?”
Katie's face lit with excitement. “I will give you one hundred dollars if you say that to him.”
"Never gonna happen," Amber said flatly.
Katie burs
t out laughing. Chelle and Amber exchanged a look to see if the other knew what was so funny.
Through her laughter Katie explained, "Sorry, I just keep picturing Seth’s face if you actually said that to him.”
As the picture of Seth's shocked face flashed in Amber's mind she looked up at Chelle and they all burst out laughing.
Regaining her composure, Amber finished pinning the dress and Chelle stepped into the dressing room.
Katie asked “So you guys still haven’t talked about…stuff?”
Amber reached out to hold baby Mya. Katie begrudgingly handed over the baby. “We did. The first night I was there. We cleared the air while we were eating pizza. Since then, though, Seth just inhales his dinner, says he’s tired and he goes to his room. I have no idea what he’s doing in there, though. He doesn’t have a TV or even a bed in there.”
“He doesn’t have a bed?” Chelle asked as she stepped out of the dressing room.
“Nope, he sleeps on the floor,” Amber answered.
“Why doesn’t he just buy a bed?” Katie asked, reaching for baby Mya again.
“I don’t know, and has anyone ever told you you’re a baby hog?” Amber said as she gave the baby back to Katie.
“Yes, people tell me that all the time,” Katie said, smiling as if it was a point of pride.
“So how are you doing with everything else? Are they any closer to catching the person responsible for all the break-ins?” Chelle asked as she took a seat on the loveseat next to Katie.
“No, they’re not,” Amber admitted dejectedly. “Officer Williams went and talked to Brad, that guy I went out with a few weeks ago. He had airtight alibis for both the store and my duplex break-ins, though. Not that I thought even for a second that he had anything to do with it. They were just following up on every possible lead.”
“Are you scared?” Katie asked, her tone serious.
“No. I think I would be if Seth wasn’t around. Somehow I just feel like he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” Amber knew that that may sound absurd, but it was the truth.
“I know he wouldn’t let anything happen to you,” Katie stated as if it were a fact. “I don’t know what his deal is or why he is holding back. However, I do know two things to be true: he’s a Sloan, and he loves you. Those two things combine to mean that he will do everything in his power to keep you safe.”
Amber felt her mouth drop open at Katie’s words. Her heart skipped a beat at the possibility that Seth loved her; even though she knew Katie had no basis for her declaration. “Katie, that’s insane. Seth does not love me. He avoids me, and he barely speaks to me.”
“I know. I didn’t say he was the master communicator, or that he doesn’t have abandonment issues."
Katie paused, waiting until she caught Amber's eye, her gaze conveying her absolute seriousness as she continued, "Amber, do you remember when you pulled me aside before Sophie’s wedding? When you told me that I was a lucky girl and that you knew from the way Jason had been looking at me all weekend how much he cared about me? Because I do. I remember your exact words.
“You said, 'Sometimes when things are right in front of us, we don't appreciate them. But if I ever had a man look at me the way that Jason looks at you, I would think twice about letting him go.'
“Well, I am telling you that Seth looks at you like he is head over heels, madly in love with you. It’s intense. At Thanksgiving I thought I was going to have to spray you both down with a hose to cool you off from the heat your stares were causing.”
Amber looked at Chelle, who had been quiet during Katie’s speech. Chelle just shrugged and said, “I think Katie’s right. I think he really cares about you, but I’m not sure he knows how to deal with what he feels.”
Amber’s phone beeped and she ignored it. Her mom had been calling all day but she hadn’t had the time (or energy!) to talk to her. Amber had a lot on her plate and sometimes she needed to limit the amount of energy she expended dealing with her mom. This was one of those times.
Chelle gathered up baby Mya’s diaper bag and they all said their goodbyes. Amber tried to mentally dismiss what her friends had said. She was pretty sure that what they were seeing was just lust, nothing more. Seth couldn’t love her.
Could he?
God.
Could he?
--- ~ ---
“How’s Amber?” Bobby asked Seth as they waited in Richard’s Formal Wear for their tuxes.
“Fine.” Seth’s clipped tone conveyed clearly that he didn’t want to discuss the topic of Amber.
“She must have been pretty shaken up about her apartment,” Alex continued, obviously not picking up the cues Seth was sending out about wanting to drop the subject.
Or just flat out ignoring them.
Seth was not in the mood to deal with his brothers. Not only had he not really slept at all for the entire week Amber had been staying at his apartment, but also his shoulder was killing him from spending every night on the floor. Common sense would dictate that he should just go out and buy a bed. That was logical. Seth knew it.
But Seth also knew that he was only a man. His convictions might be strong, but he wasn’t delusional. The temptation would be too great if he knew Amber was sleeping in his bed every night. It was bad enough that she was out on his couch.
The bell that hung over Richard's front door sounded and Seth looked over to see Jason and Riley walking in. He figured that they were there to pick up their tuxes as well. At least, they God damn better be, he thought. If they stopped by for the express purpose of interrogating me about Amber, they're gonna quickly find out that was a wasted trip.
Jason sat down next to Seth and gave him a jaunty wink. “You look like shit. Not getting much sleep now that Amber’s moved in?”
Seth ignored Jason’s comment, and his wink.
“How are things going over at Casa de Sloan-and-Temporarily-Slash-Webb?” Jason persisted.
“Fine,” Seth replied calmly, continuing to stare straight ahead. He was going about this all wrong. If his brothers saw that they were getting to him, they would never drop it.
“How’s Amber?” Riley asked.
“Fine.” Seth maintained his cool demeanor.
Alex turned to Seth. “I have a question. Do you know she’s fine because you’ve talked to her and she’s told you? Or did you glean that piece of intel through osmosis?”
“She’s fine.” Seth did not feel like he needed to explain his actions to his little brothers. She was alive. She was safe. She was fine.
Richard, the owner of the formal wear shop, came out carrying Alex, Jason and Bobby’s tuxes. He instructed the three men to go try them on to make sure that they didn’t need any more alterations.
When his three youngest brothers went into the dressing room Riley turned to Seth and, speaking quietly, asked, “Did you think about what I said? Have you had a chance to talk to her?”
“We talked about DC the first night she was there.” Seth told his brother.
Riley’s brows lifted in surprise. “Did you tell her about mom and the field trip?”
Seth nodded.
“And?” Riley looked at Seth like he should have more to say.
“And nothing.”
“What do you mean nothing? She’s been there for almost a week.”
Seth remained quiet. He knew how long Amber had been sleeping a few feet away from him. He couldn’t think of anything else.
“You haven’t talked to her since the first night she got there?” Riley asked looking at Seth like that was impossible.
“I’m giving her space.” Seth knew Amber was going through a lot and he had forced her to move in with him. He wasn’t going to force her to hang out with him too.
“Are you giving her space or you space? Do you even know if she wants space?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Seth stated.
“Why?” Riley asked.
If there were one brother that Seth would actually talk to about this, it w
ould be Riley. Not only was he the closest in age and they had always been close growing up, but Riley had been in the military for almost as long as Seth had. If anyone would understand, it would be Riley.
“You know what it’s like over there Riley.” Seth leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. “You do things and see things that change you. I can't put that on her. Amber deserves a hell of a lot better than me.”
“So you’re saying Chelle deserves a hell of a lot better than me?”
Seth knew the point his brother was trying to make, but it was different.
“It’s not the same. Chelle knew you before and loved you.”
“It is the same. How long she loved me isn’t the point and you know it. It’s not about the past, it’s about the present. If you care about her like I think you do, don’t let the past dictate your future. I learned that lesson in time to be with Chelle. I hope you figure out your shit before it’s too late.”
Alex and Jason came out in their tuxes. Before the swell of pride Seth felt at seeing his little brothers looking so fine and formal even had a chance to swell through his chest, his brothers started arguing over who looked better. Seth shook his head, the ghost of a smile playing around his lips.
He sat back on the couch and tried to absorb what Riley had just told him. He had had a lot of time to think, over the last week, while he wallowed in his self-imposed bedroom exile. After he and Amber had talked, he had realized something important about his feelings about Amber leaving in the middle of the night in DC – namely, that the fact he had been holding it against her all these years had far more to do with his mom than it did with her.
He also had to admit to himself – reluctantly, because it scared the hell out of him – that he was really enjoying the knowledge that he would be coming home to Amber every night. He carried it with him throughout the day, like a small touchstone that he used to anchor himself to something sure, something warm, something positive. Anytime he felt frustrated, annoyed, angry...hell, even bored...anything negative – all he had to do was cast his mind to that single fact: when he arrived home, Amber would be there. Instant contentment.
My Everything - Seth & Amber Page 17