by Vance Huxley
“I could do that. It’s a shame we won’t be able to hang up the traditional squares of newspaper in there. If we cut little shapes out of the door, we could get Patty to knit some cobwebs and crochet spiders to make proper outhouses?” They both laughed. “In any case that’s in the future, and I wanted to talk about now.” Rob pointed to six men and women laying plastic pipes across the fields. “I’ve got plenty of apprentices and pipe, but we need more connections. Can you scavenge again through an area we didn’t strip the first time, only this time will you concentrate on fittings, joints and bends of any sort?”
“Not a problem. I’ll take half a dozen people out and get it sorted, but we’ll all come to see you or your apprentice plumbers first. At least they aren’t wearing funny hats and making pipe jokes.” Harold pointed. “Emmy’s lot have brought back real garden gnomes from overgrown gardens, allegedly as scarecrows.”
“They’ve got another idea now. If you ever find any live fish the gnomes want to grow them in those garden ponds, though I’m not really keen on the idea of goldfish and chips.” Rob brightened. “Though carp and chips?”
* * *
Harold had to leave the scavenging a couple of days to deal with a visit by Ogou, picking up a few guns that had been cleaned instead of waiting for the arranged meeting. Ogou brought a woman with toothache, and sat nattering with Harold while she went for treatment. The GOFS paid in coupons for what turned out to be a straightforward drill and fill according to the dentist. Gayle assured Harold they’d asked the woman if she wanted sanctuary. She seemed perfectly happy to go back so perhaps the GOFS were treating some of their women decently after all.
When he originally collected the weapons Harold had wondered if the guns came from further away, maybe the Barbies. The GOFS looked after their weapons better than the Geeks or Hot Rods, but three of the firearms Ogou brought were filthy and had been roughly treated. They turned out to be captures, guns from another small group of fighters running across the flooded ruins on the northern border to escape from the General. Once started, Ogou seemed happy to sit and gossip so Harold took the opportunity to catch up on the local news.
The Barbies had a spat with the Pinkies or Pink Panthers, the male gays, and were triumphantly flaunting the pink lingerie from the casualties. The Pink Panthers had asked for a truce because of pressure the other way from the General. According to Ogou, the Barbies were hoping to trade for underwear without bloodstains because the Pinkies had a Victoria’s Secret lingerie store. Further north the MiB, Men in Black, had bounced when they raided the SIMs, a group of apparently ordinary types who had some very good explosives including a wicked short-range rocket. The SIMs now had some really good automatic firearms since the MiB left a few behind. The MiB had allied with the General after that setback.
A gay refugee had told the Pinkies about a gang who had heavyweight fighters in thick black armour wielding long swords and wearing Darth Vader style helmets. They also had light troops with fantastic face paintings and decorated bodies or maybe body stockings. Those used long thin swords like those at the Olympics, or were proper archers. The Pinkies were still undecided if that was all true or he’d had a bad trip. Rumours from the far west talked of rogue police officers with a shitload of automatics and an armoured vehicle. Another gang who used blowpipes and poisoned darts had taken over Dudley Castle. They had allegedly kept a cow alive and sold milk.
If the subject matter hadn’t been real despite being surreal, the gossip would have been more restful. Worse, the lack of solid news from outside their own part of the city, or even beyond their local gangs, accentuated how isolated each enclave had become. The motorways running through the city formed a T, dividing the population into three, and the Army patrolled or garrisoned the motorways. Occasional rumours made it across the divides, but little real news.
* * *
Harold churned that over the following day as he collected half a dozen helpers though he stopped worrying long enough to concentrate on the instructions from Rob and his helpers. Rob stressed that if the joint wouldn’t come free the scavengers should cut off the pipe and leave most of it behind. His apprentices would free up the connections when the salvage arrived back in Orchard Close. When the group set off Harold still hadn’t really got his mind on piping. He worried about the General getting automatic weapons, worried hard enough that it took a jab in the ribs from Doll to rouse him when the pickup reached the edge of the previous scavenge.
Harold continued to muse about the state of the city and the world while working, because pulling apart drainpipes to collect the joints wasn’t rocket science. He’d just put another armful in the pickup when Doll yelled and gunfire erupted. Harold ran back between two buildings with his pistol and machete to find a tangled group.
Billy, Tim, Doll, Patty and Casper were fighting hand to hand though Casper fought one-handed, the other arm hanging loose and bleeding. Alfie sat on the ground beyond the rest, bleeding from a leg. That didn’t stop the white-faced youth from throwing anything he could reach in an attempt to help. He ran out of bricks as Harold charged forward, but tried to crawl towards a dropped pistol. Harold hesitated for a moment, unsure where to go first because he hadn’t a clear shot at anyone.
One man grabbed Billy from behind, trying to pin his machete arm so the man at the front could get in a strike. Doll and Patty held their own against larger men, dodging and stabbing, while Casper tried to fend off three of them with wide sweeps of his machete. Tim’s opponent got a knife into Tim’s arm but as he pulled it back Tim hit the weapon with his machete, sending it spinning away. That left him machete against machete, but bleeding and with another man moving in.
Harold came up behind an attacker heading for Alfie, chopping him down with barely a sound. He turned as Patty finally got a jab home on her opponent. As the man’s eye and face erupted blood he screamed and his machete point dropped. Patty brought her machete across and the scream stopped when her blade hit his throat. She turned, raising the pistol in her free hand, because from her angle she had a clean shot, and one of Casper’s opponent’s spun away with two or three bullets in him. Another attacker turned to face her leaving Casper with just one to fight, though she daren’t shoot this one for fear of hitting a friend.
Alfie called out when a wounded stranger sat up with a pistol so Harold shot him twice, then turned back to the rest. Tangled as the fighters were nobody had a clear shot although Patty and Doll both held pistols. At least none of the attacking fighters held a firearm though both Alfie and Casper appeared to be shot. Harold shouted, “Oy!” as he ran towards the second man closing on Tim. The fighter turned towards Harold before getting in striking range of Tim, but alone because the rest were already in a fight for their lives.
Harold cursed to himself as they closed because he’d brought a machete but not his stick. Since he couldn’t shoot with Tim in the line of fire, the pistol wasn’t much good against a knife once the machetes locked. Within three passes the man managed to slash Harold’s arm, then nearly stick him. Harold backed off a little. He still couldn’t shoot without hitting a friend so Harold threw the gun. When the man ducked, Harold took the opportunity to hack at his knife wrist.
The knife fell. The man swung with his machete but Harold knew how to use a long blade, really use one. The gangster might be strong and quick but two blows later Harold deflected his blade and thrust. Harold’s opponent dodged far enough to save his face but lost an ear as the machete ran along the side of his head. He backed away desperately, eyes wide in pain and shock. Harold followed quickly, forcing him backward until the man stumbled on the rubble or undergrowth underfoot. Harold hit him hard on the shoulder. As the man yelled and his machete dropped from his nerveless hand, Harold turned away.
He would be too late to save Billy. The man behind had finally pinned both arms and the one in front avoided a desperate kick and raised his machete. As he did, Doll finally turned her man far enough. She suddenly aimed her gun at his gut, pull
ed the trigger twice, and the bullets went off into empty ruins with most of his kidneys. Billy’s attacker glanced at the sound, then leapt back and defended frantically instead of hacking Billy because Doll spun and slashed at him. The man left Billy to the other gangster holding the youth, because now he was in a fight for his life against the blonde.
Without the machete threatening him, Billy managed to wriggle an arm free and began to turn. His opponent ran, scooping up a baseball bat as he did. He might have made it despite a leg wound because those holding guns were otherwise occupied, but Alfie had finally crawled far enough. Alfie’s accuracy wasn’t great, probably because of the agony in his leg, but between them the fusillade of shots got the job done.
Meanwhile Harold came up behind Patty’s opponent, who would have definitely liked to disengage since he only had a baseball bat but he daren’t give her room to shoot. Even though he wasn’t in range yet Harold shouted, “Boo!” The man started to turn and realised what a really bad idea it was, but too late because Patty’s machete bit into his wrist and the bat fell. He turned to run sideways, straight into Harold’s slash, while Patty raised her pistol and fired past Harold. He glanced back to see his erstwhile opponent, hunched over with the pain from his shoulder, flipping backwards as the bullets hit him.
Casper had been driving his remaining opponent back with a huge manic grin on his face and finally a blow smashed straight through the defence and the man dropped. Casper took another two steps and the attacker engrossed in fighting Doll never saw him before the big machete descended. Patty and Harold headed for a pale-faced Tim, backed up against the house wall desperately defending, and his opponent also made a break for it. Both Patty and Doll still had their handguns so the man didn’t make four steps. Just like that the fighting finished.
Harold looked around, seeing the three other crumpled men further away for the first time, and then looked for his gun. Before he could find it, a grinning Doll grabbed his forearms and started pulling him round and round in some sort of manic dance. “It worked Harold, it worked! The training worked! It all works!” Patty had dropped her machete and stood taking in big gulps of air while Billy sat down suddenly as if he’d been hamstrung. Doll looked around then headed for Alfie, dropped to her knees, and wrapped her arms round him. By the time Doll pulled back the pain still showed on Alfie’s sheet white face, but he also wore a stupid grin.
“Harold. I feel proper wobbly.” Patty took another deep breath and produced a shaky smile. “But Doll is right. They concentrated on the men and that stabbing thing really shook them up.” She took another big breath. “Come here. I need a hug and I’ll fall over if I try to walk.” She glanced over at Doll, now cutting away Alfie’s jeans leg to tend to his wound, and took another deep breath. “Don’t worry, if I tried the Doll snogging thing I’d pass out from shortage of breath.”
“I’ll risk it.” Harold hugged but briefly. “Proper one later if you need it, but now there’s my arm, Casper and Tim to patch up.”
“Cripes yes.” Patty looked round. “We’re all alive?” She shook her head in disbelief, straightened, and started towards Tim.
Billy seemed content to sit and stare about in some sort of surprise so Harold left him to it and went to tend to Casper. First combat, real bloody hand to hand, affected people in different ways though both Doll and Patty seemed all right now they had something to do. “If you were skinnier this would have missed.”
“If I’d been skinnier there wouldn’t have been three after me. That could have been bad for someone else.” Casper giggled. “Cripes, I’m a bit hyper. Worse, Liz will never let me live it down. I’ve been rescued by Batty Patty.”
“Don’t let her hear that, she’ll blame me.” As they talked Harold had been cutting the sleeve off a corpse’s shirt before slitting it lengthways to make strips. He unwrapped the two disinfected pads everyone carried and put one on the wound. “This is gonna hurt.”
“It already hurts.”
Harold put the second pad on the exit hole and tightened the impromptu bandage around them. “Not yet.” He pulled the knot tight.
“Aah, nasty soldier swine.”
“Fairy. In the Army we didn’t even bandage these, just stuck a plaster on and went back on duty.” Harold showed his slashed arm. “See.”
Casper looked round. “Too late for the macho bastard talking. Liz isn’t here anyway so you may as well bandage that.” Casper sighed. “These bastards came out of nowhere and didn’t talk at all. Luckily they didn’t have many guns. Three of them started shooting at me and Alfie, probably because we’re biggest, but they were running so most of it went wide.” He moved his arm, then winced. “Alfie got one before he went down, then I reckon Doll and Patty having handguns under their jackets shook the bastards up. I think they shot two or three before the bastards were in among us.”
A voice broke in from behind Harold. “Sorry Harold. I couldn’t get a clear shot because they were the other side of everyone, then we were all mixed up.” Tim shrugged, then winced. “I’m a crap shot anyway. Toyah will play hell with me about getting wounded again. She said I should come to more machete practice.”
“Your man seemed used to fighting with a knife and machete together so even without more practice you did well. The bloke I fought had a knife and machete and got me as well, just not as badly.” As Patty tied off a pad and bandage around Harold’s forearm he nodded towards Alfie. “Alfie will be really annoyed that he never got a chance to use his machete practice.”
“Yeah, because it worked. My bloke had some trouble with the jab and dodge thing but after he got my arm, moving hurt like hell which slowed me up.” A rough sling now held Tim’s arm and another held Casper’s.
“Harold? This lot are soaking wet.” Billy had stood up and gone to search the bodies, or maybe to make sure they were dead. “From the waist down anyway. Where would they be that deep in water?”
Harold looked west, towards the GOFS. “They came across the floods to the north of the GOFS I reckon, but waded to avoid the GOFS sentries on the shallow bits.” He looked around. “I’ll get the pickup round to here somehow so we don’t have to move Alfie much, then get you wounded heroes home.”
“What about the bodies?” Billy turned slowly, taking a proper look. “Cripes, there’s a lot.” He limped across to check on the one Alfie had shot.
“What’s up with your leg?”
“This one.” Billy spat on the body. “He hit me twice with that bat while I fought the pair of them, then grabbed me when I knocked it out of his hand.” He nodded to Doll. “I owe you.”
“No, because if you weren’t fighting those two, one of them might have gone for me. They really did concentrate on the men.” She grinned. “They missed Harold altogether until he came charging in like the cavalry.”
Harold shook his head. “Not really, if I hadn’t been here you and Patty would have cleaned them up on your own.” Harold really did feel happier about that, because Doll and especially Patty had proved they wouldn’t freeze when it got close up and nasty.
By the time Harold found a way into the back gardens and reversed though the intervening fences, Alfie’s leg had been splinted. Casper helped him upright, more or less lifting Alfie with one arm. With Billy helping, Alfie sat on the rear seat so Harold could pull him backwards into the cab, whereupon he passed out. Doll crammed herself into the back seat to hold his head and make sure Alfie didn’t choke while the rest threw the captured firearms and handiest weapons into the back of the pickup. Casper, Tim and Billy rode with them while Patty sat in the shotgun seat with two handguns and a really bad attitude. The journey back brought no further trouble.
As the wounded were taken inside Orchard Close Harold asked for a score of people, fully armed, to go and strip the bodies then burn them. He wouldn’t be with them because he had to talk to some GOFS. Patty insisted on coming to see the GOFS because she wanted to know why those scroats had got through, but she promised to behave. Harold reminde
d her that he’d do the talking. Seth insisted on coming as a second bodyguard, because he reckoned his sawn-off shotgun should slow any other groups up a bit. Harold drove to the border and sounded the horn repeatedly for a couple of minutes, while calling on his radio for a GOFS to come and meet him.
* * *
Eventually his radio crackled. “Coming.” The man who appeared looked around carefully before coming completely out of cover. Harold explained he needed to talk to a top GOFS, soonest, and the man went back into the buildings. A couple of minutes later a dirt bike set off westwards, towards GOFS HQ. Harold sat and drank water while talking through the fight with Patty because she still seemed very edgy. By the time an SUV turned up Patty had calmed down a bit, though she still held the two handguns with her cranked crossbow across her knees.
Harold recognised the man getting out of the GOFS vehicle when it arrived. “That’s Vulcan. He has a sense of humour, a real one I think and he’s sort of civilised so there won’t be trouble.” Patty looked at her two pistols, obviously reluctant to let them go. “Keep the guns, but put them in the back of your belt under your jacket. As a surprise?” Patty grinned, relaxed, and moved them out of sight as Harold got out and went forward to meet the GOFS. Two guards climbed out of the GOFS vehicle as Vulcan started forward while behind him Harold heard the doors open and knew Patty and Seth were getting out. One of the GOFs guards took off his knitted hat to wave it then put it back on so Patty had been recognised, her or her crossbow.
“I see you forgot to polish the motor again.” The GOFS found it funny that Harold drove the beat-up pickup rather than a shiny SUV.
“The car wash ran out of wax.” Harold didn’t smile. “Though your northern car wash is open for business. I thought you were guarding the edge of the swamp?”
“A bit deeper than a car wash with all the rain. Even the access roads across there were awash for a while.” Vulcan frowned when he saw the bandage on Harold’s arm and the blood spatter on him and Patty. “Did some get through?”