Buggins galloped straight towards Sean’s wings. Devil’s hoofs pounded into the feathers and plastic. The wings were smashed to pieces.
Sean and Spider stared in dismay. The wings were completely ruined. And to make matters worse, there on top of them was a pile of steaming horse manure. Dropped there by Devil.
Deefa loved horse manure. He barked twice and shoved his face right in it. He pushed his nose into the putrid pile. He rubbed his ears in too. It was a dog’s heaven.
Buggins stopped a little way off. He felt safe sitting up there on Devil.
‘You wait,’ yelled Sean. ‘You just wait.’ It was a weak thing to say and he knew it. He was so angry that he just couldn’t think of anything else.
Buggins laughed horribly and galloped away along the beach. With a weary heart Sean watched him disappear.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Spider. ‘You’ve still got your uncle’s hang-glider. These wings didn’t work anyway.’
Suddenly Sean saw something. ‘Look,’ he screamed. ‘Over there.’ He pointed to where the edge of a little raft poked out of the sand.
2
Spider started to scratch away at the sand with his hands. Sean ran over and helped. ‘Wow,’ said Spider. ‘I wonder where this came from.’ The raft had been washed in by the tide. After a bit of tugging and digging they finally pulled it out. They stared at the strange vase tied to the mast.
‘There could be anything in there,’ said Spider. ‘Open it up, Sean.’
Sean brushed at the sand on the vase. There was weird writing on the outside. And a skull and crossbones.
They looked at each other and shrugged. Neither wanted to be the one to open the vase. In the end Sean grabbed the lid and pulled. It came off with a pop. A whiff of grey smoke puffed out. Spider moved back up the beach to safety. Sean looked at his mate. Spider was a good kid but he could be a bit of a wimp at times.
Sean carefully untied the vase and tipped it up. An animal slipped out. A stiff, hard animal like a cat.
They stared at the rigid body. Its eyes were closed. Its fur was matted and wiry. Its legs hung down like open arms.
‘Wow,’ Sean whistled. ‘I’ve never seen anything like that before.’ He turned it upside down. It was hollow in the middle.
‘It’s a hat,’ said Spider. ‘A cat hat. Give me a go.’ He snatched the cat hat from Sean’s arms.
‘Don’t wreck it,’ said Sean. ‘It could be valuable.’
Spider put the cat hat on his head. The legs reached down under his chin. It looked as if the cat was hanging onto his face. It seemed weird, perched up there on Spider’s hair.
‘Give me a shot,’ said Sean. Spider shook his head. He was very attached to the hat.
Sean smiled to himself. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Suit yourself.’ He walked towards the wings and pretended he wasn’t interested in the cat hat. He did another five cartwheels – right past Spider.
THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A BOY TURNING
CARTWHEELS ON THE SAND.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.
Spider, who was still wearing the cat hat, stared at Sean with a funny sort of look on his face. Then he did five perfect cartwheels on the sand. They were terrific.
‘Wow,’ Sean yelled. ‘Good one, Spider. Fantastic.’ Sean really was impressed. Spider could do fantastic cartwheels. And just a minute before, he couldn’t even stand on his hands.
Spider looked pretty surprised himself. He shook his head wisely. ‘You can learn a lot from me, Sean,’ he said. He brushed down the cat hat.
‘Maybe it brings good luck,’ said Sean.
‘Yeah,’ said Spider. ‘Like a lucky rabbit’s foot.’
They walked up the track towards home. On the edge of the cliff a fat man was standing looking out to sea. He suddenly opened his mouth and burped loudly.
THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A MAN BURPING.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.
Spider suddenly felt ill. As if he had eaten about fifty meat pies for breakfast. He tried to swallow but couldn’t. He tried to hold everything down. But it was no use. Spider opened his mouth and let out an enormous burp.
‘Beauty,’ yelled Sean. ‘What a ripper.’ He was filled with admiration. Spider was pleased with himself. Usually he couldn’t do very good burps at all.
3
That afternoon Spider and Sean went down to the railway station to pick up Uncle Jeremy’s hang-glider. Spider still had the cat hat perched on his head.
The bloke in the railway station pretended that the boys weren’t there, like railway workers often do. ‘Excuse me,’ Sean said. ‘We’ve come for a hang-glider.’ The bloke didn’t take any notice. He just went on reading a magazine. Sean tapped on the window-sill with a coin. The porter looked up savagely.
‘Can’t you see I’m busy,’ he growled in a deep voice. ‘Wait your turn.’ Sean and Spider looked around. There wasn’t another person in sight.
After ages and ages the porter came to the window. ‘Where’s your receipt?’ he asked.
‘I lost it,’ Sean said. ‘But the hang-glider’s addressed to Sean Tuttle.’
This is when Sean heard the terrible words. ‘It’s not here. Sean Tuttle picked it up this morning. He was with two other kids.’
‘What,’ Sean yelled. ‘Which kids?’
‘I don’t know. Just kids.’
‘Buggins,’ Sean shouted.
‘And Thistle and Wolf,’ added Spider. ‘They’ve nicked it.’
‘You’re responsible,’ Sean said to the porter. ‘The railways have to get it back. Buggins didn’t have a receipt.’
The porter glared at them. ‘And neither do you,’ he said. ‘You kids buzz off and don’t tell me how to do my job.’ He was starting to get angry.
THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A PORTER TALKING.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.
Spider spoke in a deep, man’s voice. He sounded exactly like the porter. A great big booming voice, coming out of a boy’s mouth. ‘You kids buzz off,’ he said. ‘And don’t tell me how to do my job.’
‘Right,’ yelled the porter. Man, was he mad. He headed for the door. Spider and Sean turned and ran for it.
‘You shouldn’t have done that, Spider,’ Sean said when they finally stopped running.
‘It was this hat,’ Spider said. ‘It made me do it. And its eyes open. I’m sure I heard its eyes click that time I burped.’ He took the cat hat off his head. ‘Here, you have it.’
4
When they reached home, Sean’s father was looking a bit sheepish. ‘Is she talking to you yet?’ asked Sean. His father shook his head.
Sean smiled to himself. Poor Dad. He was in big trouble. He had agreed to let Sean fly in the Birdman Competition without telling Mum and she was mad at him. She thought it was too dangerous. Dad tried to kid her and joke about it but she wouldn’t even crack a smile.
‘Buggins has pinched the hang-glider,’ said Sean.
Mr Tuttle didn’t hear him. He was peering anxiously out of the window. His wife was heading for the door. He held a finger up to his lips. ‘Shh …’ he said. ‘Not a word about it in front of your mother.’ He suddenly saw the cat hat. ‘What on earth is that?’
‘A cat hat,’ Sean told him. ‘It brings good luck if you put it on your head.’
Mr Tuttle took the cat hat and put it on his own head. ‘I can do with a bit of good luck today,’ he said with a grin. ‘This might cheer Mum up a bit.’
Just then a number of things happened.
The door opened and Mum walked in. She said exactly the same thing. ‘What on earth is that?’
Mr Tuttle sure did look stupid with a dead cat perched on his head.
Sean’s mum wasn’t alone. Deefa had come in after her. A very hungry Deefa. He gave two woofs and trotted over to the food bowl which was still on the floor. It was full of that horrible canned food that dogs love. A
sort of wobbling mound of brown jelly. Deefa trotted over and started to gobble away noisily.
THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW A DOG EATING A PLATE OF DOG FOOD.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.
A strange look came into Mr Tuttle’s eyes. He dropped down onto his hands and knees. ‘Woof, woof,’ he said. He trotted over to the food bowl and started gobbling at the dog food with Deefa. They licked their lips and swallowed the stuff down like crazy.
The kids’ eyes nearly popped out of their heads. So did Sean’s mum’s. No one could believe what they were seeing. Mr Tuttle was eating yucky, cold dog food. From the same bowl as the dog. Deefa growled. Mr Tuttle barked back. They were fighting over the dog food.
Mr Tuttle suddenly stood up with a wild look in his eyes. He didn’t know what was going on. He was confused. And his face was smeared with gravy and bits of horrible meat stuff. ‘Ruth,’ he gasped, ‘I didn’t mean to do that. It wasn’t what …’ His voice trailed off. He didn’t know what to say. Then he grinned.
Mrs Tuttle was trying hard not to smile but she just couldn’t stop herself. ‘What’s for dessert?’ she said with a chuckle. The row was over. They were talking again.
Still and all, Sean thought it was better not to mention the stolen hang-glider. He and Spider were on their own.
Sean looked at the hat. He suddenly had an idea but he pushed it out of his mind. His glider was gone. Buggins and his mates had stolen it. Life just wasn’t fair sometimes.
5
‘We’ll have to use our own plane like all the other kids,’ Sean said to Spider. They were walking along the cliff, looking for Buggins.
‘What about the cat hat?’ said Spider. ‘It copies things. It opens its eyes and copies what it sees. I know it does.’
‘It’s dangerous,’ Sean told him. ‘You never know what it’s going to stare at. Look what happened to Dad.’
‘We could figure something out,’ said Spider. If you wore the cat and it opened its eyes and saw something …’ His voice was drowned out by a roar. They both looked up as a jumbo jet streaked across the sky.
Before he could think any more about it, Sean saw what he had been looking for. It was Buggins and his mates.
Buggins took a short run along the top of a sand dune and launched out into the air. He clung on to a wonderful red and blue hang-glider. Sean’s hang-glider. Buggins swooped about three metres above the sand and then did a wobbly landing on the beach.
Wolf and Thistle pelted down after him. ‘Fantastic,’ yelled Thistle.
‘We’re onto a winner,’ said Wolf.
‘My winner,’ Sean said in a tough voice. ‘You stole my hang-glider.’
Buggins looked up. ‘Get real,’ he sneered. ‘I’ve been saving up for this for months. Ask my dad if you like.’
‘Hand it over,’ Sean said.
Buggins bunched up his fist. ‘Come and get it,’ he jeered. He walked towards Sean with heavy steps. His two mates were next to him.
‘We’re not scared of you,’ yelled Spider. ‘Flatten him, Sean.’
Buggins took another couple of steps forward. There was only one thing to do. So Sean did it. He turned and ran for his life. Spider pelted after him. How humiliating. Sean could hear Wolf, Thistle and Buggins jeering as he ran.
Sean spent the rest of the day trying to mend his bird wings. He used brand new materials. Plastic, wood and wire as well as the feathers. After a couple of hours he put down his tools. He didn’t think he could finish in time. There was only one more day left and it was a school day.
‘That’ll never fly,’ said Spider. ‘The ones the kids make always crash. We need something else. A bit of help.’ He held up the cat hat and winked.
6
‘No way,’ said Sean. ‘Not without testing it first anyway.’
Spider looked at the broken wings. ‘But they’re busted,’ he said.
Sean nodded. ‘So, we’ll try it out on something else.’
The next day Sean took the cat hat to school.
His plan was to muck around down near the oval while the athletes were practising for the school sports.
There was this kid named Innes who was in Year Twelve. He was a champion high jumper. Sean decided to hang around near him with the hat on. The cat hat would open its eyes and see Innes. Sean would immediately do a wonderful high jump in front of all the kids.
Of course Sean didn’t know whether or not the silly thing would open its eyes. That was the only weakness with the plan.
As it happened, the cat hat did open its eyes.
Just as a group of girls jogged up in their tracksuits. At that very moment Innes was running up for a jump. Sean slipped the cat hat over his head. He had to be quick. The jump would be over in a flash. Sean quite liked the idea of doing a great leap in front of the girls.
But they didn’t even look at him once. They headed into the girls’ changing room.
THE CAT HAT’S EYES CLICKED OPEN.
IT SAW GIRLS GOING INTO THE CHANGING ROOM.
THE EYES CLICKED CLOSED AGAIN.
Sean tried to stop his legs going. He hung onto the fence. But it was no good. Some inner force made him go. Made him follow the girls into their changing room. It was as if he was in a trance. He jogged straight in after them.
The next thing Sean knew – there he was. Surrounded by girls – in their changing room. He opened his mouth to cry out in horror but nothing came out. The girls screamed and yelled. They threw shoes. ‘Nerd. Weirdo,’ screamed a girl called Esmeralda. Talk about terrible.
Spider just shook his head and grinned while the screaming mob of girls chased Sean clear out of the school.
Buggins and Thistle and Wolf saw the whole thing. They thought it was a great joke.
It was the worst moment of Sean’s life. He walked home with a heart full of pain. Talk about embarrassing. Before long everyone in the school would know about it. That cat hat was not to be trusted.
7
All that he could do now was fix up his birdman wings so that they would fly. Sean worked nearly all night. He glued and cut and nailed. Until finally the wings were finished. He didn’t even have time to try them out. The competition started first thing in the morning. He would just have to jump off the end of the pier and hope for the best.
‘You’ll never beat Buggins,’ said Spider as they walked towards the pier. ‘He’s got a proper hang-glider.’
‘My hang-glider,’ Sean said.
‘Use the cat hat,’ said Spider. ‘We wait until a plane goes over, the cat hat opens its eyes and we’re off. Up, up and away.’
‘What do you mean, we’re off. It’s me that will be off. Not you. No way. That cat hat is not to be trusted. It stays in my bag out of harm’s way.’
And that’s how Sean came to be standing there on the end of the pier with his bird wings. With all the others. There were kids everywhere. About two hundred looking on and a mob of competitors.
The planes were fantastic. There were biplanes and triplanes. There were rockets and rickety old things built on top of prams. Mostly they were made out of plastic and wood and paper. Some were like parachutes. Others like helicopters.
None of them had engines. The planes had to glide or be powered by human energy. You could pedal. You could flap. And you could jump. But no other form of power was allowed.
The winner was the one who could get furthest away from the pier.
‘Okay, okay, okay, fans,’ yelled Wolf. He shouted at everyone through a megaphone. ‘The first entry in this year’s Birdman Competition is … me.’
A cheer went up. Wolf’s plane was in the shape of a giant beer can. His legs stuck out at the bottom. His arms poked out of the side like skinny wings. His head was like a marble on the top. Everyone, including Wolf, knew what was going to happen when he jumped off the end of the pier.
‘This model,’ he yelled, ‘runs on brain power and force of will. It’s shaped to have minimum wind resistance.’
He waddled over to the side of the pier. And jumped.
It was a very high pier. Wolf flew through the air with the greatest of ease. Like a brick. Straight down. He hit the water with an enormous ‘thunk’. The beer can broke up and Wolf swam to the ladder on the side of the pier. Everyone cheered and laughed. Kids patted him on the back. If ever there was a showman it was Wolf.
Next it was the turn of a kid called Egan. He had a slide rigged up on the end of the pier. He sat up on the top inside a huge Batplane. Wolf called for silence. The crowd knew that Egan had a good chance of winning. He was a serious competitor. Wolf climbed up the slide. ‘What are the specifications of this aircraft?’ he asked.
Egan sat in the cockpit dressed in a black wetsuit. He wore black goggles to match his plane. ‘It has a five-metre wing span,’ he said. ‘The construction is canvas stretched on a wooden frame. At the bottom of the ramp it reaches a speed of fifteen knots – enough to carry me forty metres from the edge of the pier.’
The crowd clapped. Everyone was impressed.
Egan’s helpers pushed him off. The Batplane gathered speed. It raced down the slide and launched into the air. It swooped upwards for a second or two. Then it hung in the air and plunged down into the sea. The Bat-pilot swam sadly back to the cheers and claps of a disappointed crowd.
8
‘The next competitor,’ shouted Wolf, ‘is Thistle.’ There were cheers, and some boos.
Thistle had a huge triplane made out of clear plastic. The three layers of wings were so wide that everyone had to be moved back. The wings hung over both sides of the pier. Thistle’s legs stuck out through the bottom of the fuselage.
Thistle held his arms up in a boxer’s victory wave. Then he ran towards the water and hurtled over the edge of the pier.
The wings of the plane broke off in mid-air and Thistle torpedoed down into the water. The wings fluttered down after him.
This is how it went on for ages and ages. Plane after plane plunged over the edge. None of them got very far at all. So far, the Batplane had flown furthest from the pier.
Paul Jenning's Weirdest Stories Page 27