by Adams, Renee
That was the most I have ever said about being attacked. I rarely ever talk about it, and my therapists tell me that I need to. That if I won’t confide in them, I need to find someone to talk to. I haven’t gone back to therapy in a while because I feel as if I’m handling it on my own. They couldn’t chase the nightmares away, so what good were they doing?
Gage must sense that I’m done talking about it because he doesn’t comment on it anymore. He wishes me a good weekend and then goes back to his room, shutting his door.
My dick is throbbing so hard it hurts. When she fell on me and I got to feel her curves, my dick couldn’t help but get hard, especially with her face right on it. Dick has a mind of its own, and it wants her.
As soon as my door is shut, I rush to the middle of my room to try to calm myself down. I don’t want to yell after Cori to come help me with my situation because for one she isn’t ready for it. Two, I don’t want to hurt this girl. She is fragile, like the most delicate of glass.
But this raging hard on has me readjusting myself every few minutes to get some relief. I have to take a cold shower to calm this monster down. I need relief, and I need a beer. It’s been almost eighteen months since I’ve had one and just thinking about it makes my mouth dry. As if the only relief it will have is an ice cold beer.
The ice water hits my back, immediately killing the blood flow to my dick. Now if only the ice would penetrate my brain so I could forget about the curves of her body and how soft she felt. How the blush on her cheeks made her ten times sexier, if that is even possible. Here we go again, dick’s hard. I need to get her out of my head, but it’s like she was wormed her way into my veins, going all through me.
When I finally exit the shower, my teeth are clanking together from the shivers. But finally, she’s out of my mind and my hard on is gone.
I decide to order in a pizza for dinner instead of eating the bland cafeteria food. A lot of the old timers here have heart issues so salt is an afterthought in this place. Everything tastes exactly the same, and I am sick of it. So a large pepperoni is headed to my room. I expected the knock at the door to be the pizza guy, but I was surprised to find Allyn holding my food.
“I smelled pizza so I roughed the delivery guy up for it. Paid and tipped well, but you can pay me back by sharing.” The grizzled old man looks all too happy to be having this.
“Okay, old man, you can have some. Come on in.”
“I got your old man right here, and there is nothing old about this,” he says that while grabbing his crotch. Gross, old balls, ew.
Sitting down, I rub under my arms where the crutches are rubbing, and all I can do is sigh. I want to walk so bad, and it is taking forever. But I know this is my fault, I shouldn’t have been a shithead and actually done the work months ago when I got here.
“Finally, none of that bland food bullshit. This right here is a slice of heaven.” Allyn is practically shoveling it into his mouth without chewing. He has sauce on his chin and has already dropped sauce on his shirt. I don’t even know if he is tasting the food or just inhaling it. Thankfully I have an iron stomach and can still eat with him chewing with his mouth open and acting like a vacuum cleaner.
Enjoying our pizza in silence, I know that he isn’t here just for the food. I’m just waiting for him to finish so he can tell me the real reason he’s here.
“So what are you doing to get the girl, my boy? Tell me what the game plan is.” He is so abrupt with his words that they throw me for a loop.
“I don’t have a game plan. I don’t know what to do. She’s like a scared animal half the time, then the other half there is this fire inside her that gives me hope.”
“Well, boy, you need to get your head out of your ass. That girl has come some way in the past few weeks. You think we all didn’t see her with her hand on you? We all saw it, and we’re all cheering for it. But you need to step it up. That girl wants you, she just doesn’t know it. You need to make her see it.”
“I just don’t know how to do that. I made a new friend, this guy Damian, he’s like her brother. He’s coming to get me tomorrow to look at places. I’m hoping that if I’m not here all the time she might miss me.”
The old man sits lost in thought for a bit, then finally speaks up. “That’s a good start, but let me tell you, boy, you got to work harder. She is fragile, that’s true, but you have what she doesn’t know she has. You have determination. Don’t give up on this girl. She’s the one for you.”
“Whoa, whoa, old man, she’s a great girl, but I’m not sure she’s the one for me. I barely know her, but I want to get to know her.” I hold my hands up in front of me, hoping to deflect his words. I mean hell, I don’t really know her.
“Gage, listen, I knew with my CC right away that she was the one. She made me want to be a better man, so I got my ass up every day to be a better man. You may not realize it now, but you are getting your ass up every day to be a better man.”
The grizzled old man tells me to get the door and then rolls on out. He comes in, drops his ‘the one’ bomb and then rolls out like he didn’t just flip my world upside down.
Going to bed, my mind cannot get off of what Allyn said. The man acts like he knows so much. With my last thoughts of Cori being the one before I drift off to sleep, I’m awoken by the sound of the old telephone in the room. I forget that there is one here because nobody calls me.
Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I reach over and grab it muffling out a garbled ‘hello,’. I’m not expecting Damian to be asking if we are still on for today to be the voice on the other side.
“Well yeah we’re still on, but it’s still night, so what the hell are you calling for?”
“Bro, it’s nine in the morning. I’m outside, what room you in? I’ll come wait for you to get ready.”
Holy shit! I slept all night! If I could jump up and down I would. I had no nightmares, or none that I could remember. It has been months since that has happened. After telling him the room number, I go to do the three s’s: shower, shit, and shave. I’m beyond ecstatic for today because for once I am well rested.
When I make it out of the shower I tell Damian to give me a few and I will be ready. But I don’t hear a reply. Hurrying to get dressed, I want to make sure that he’s not wandering around lost trying to find my room. But I hear his voice outside of my room, so I feel a little bit better. But who the fuck is he talking to?
I decide to bring both my chair and my crutches just in case and roll myself out the door to see Damian and Sam talking. What the fuck is going on? He knows that she’s stalking me, and here he is smiling at her! Damian said that he’s practically her brother, and I know she trusts him more than anyone, so why the hell would he be talking to her?
“Sup, bro, you ready to go?”
“Yeah, sure.”
As soon as we enter the elevator, Damian finally tells me what happened. Sam cornered him as he was walking to my room. All she wanted was information on me, who Damian was, where we were going, who we were going to be with. He says he didn’t tell her anything other than he’s a friend. I have no reason not to trust him, so I will let it go for now.
“So what is the deal with you and Cori? Don’t look at me like that, bro, you had to know I would talk to you about this.”
“I know. I just don’t know, man. I’m trying to get closer to her, but she keeps pushing me away. She knows that Sam isn’t my girlfriend, and she touched me on the shoulder the other day. I didn’t force her to or anything, she just did it.”
“Really? That is unlike Cori. It took her a long time to let any of us touch her. She wouldn’t even let my son, Jack, touch her for a while. So for her to willingly touch you, that speaks volumes. Don’t give up on her. She is obviously coming around.”
That boosts my confidence a little bit. I want to try to have some sort of relationship, hell I will take whatever the girl will give me. But at what point do I just stop trying, because every time I do, I fail? When is enough, enough?
~~
A little while later I’m back in my room, still without a place to stay, but I do have a cell phone now. Damian loaded it up with his number, Cori’s number, and Damian’s girl, Olivia’s number. He also wants to come get me for a cookout tomorrow at his house. I have no idea why he has taken to striking up a friendship with me, but I’ll take it. He seems to be a good guy.
I am excited about the possibilities that are coming up in life. Damian was telling me that a guy in his police unit in the prison is also missing a leg. He says you would never know because he doesn’t limp or anything. Now, I’m not saying I want to be a cop, but it gives me hope. I haven’t really thought of what I would want to be. But now that there are possibilities, I should probably start thinking about it.
I’m getting ready for a cookout, one that Damian sprung on me yesterday when he called. He also left the conversation with ‘oh, by the way, Gage is coming’ and that was it. Said love you and bye.
This is the first time I have seen him outside of my job, outside of having scrubs on. Nervous butterflies have settled into my stomach, fluttering about and making my pulse race. Kimberly, my nurse from when I was in the hospital is coming by to help me pick something to wear. Besides Olivia, she is my only other female friend. We formed a bond over the few months I was there, and the bond has never broken.
When my doorbell rings, I look out the peephole and am greeted by a big mass of red hair. Kimberly is a straight up, card carrying member of the Ginger Club. Her hair looks like the sun setting at night, with red and orange streaks throughout. She hates it, but I love it and am so totally jealous of her hair. It’s thick, voluptuous, curly, and all kinds of fabulous.
“Hey, chickidoodle, let’s get you dressed.”
Like a flash of fire, she heads towards my closet. Then like a tornado she rips everything out and throws it on the bed once she has vetoed it.
“Girl, we seriously need to do some shopping, this wardrobe is depressing. I feel like I should be holding a eulogy for this shit. It’s all black. You need some color.”
“I know, I just hate to shop now. So I keep it all online shopping, all the time. I stick to black and scrubs. Besides, who gives a shit what I’m wearing today, it’s just us.”
“Yeah, but don’t you want to look pretty for your man?”
“He is not my man. God, first Damian and now you, just drop it. I’m not ready to date.”
Thankfully she drops the subject when she finds a pale yellow sundress with white straps. Little does she realize, I won’t be wearing that shit. It shows way too many scars, and I certainly don’t want to be the freak show on parade, showing the world Xavier’s handiwork.
“Oh hell to the no, I won’t be wearing that.”
“Oh yes, you are! You will look beautiful. Stop living in the past. Yes what happened to you was fucked up, and you have every right to shut yourself down, but you don’t have to. You don’t have to keep hiding when everyone around you wants you to live. We just hope, Cori, that one day you’ll see yourself the way we see you. We don’t see scars, we see a survivor. We see a beautiful woman who’s so closed off and inside of herself that she’s stopped living.”
Have I really stopped living? Yeah, I mean I don’t go out, I don’t talk to people outside of my small circle of friends. But, there is so much trauma in the world, and I don’t want to scare people with the way I look.
“I haven’t stopped living, Kim. I just don’t want people to notice me. I can’t help it, please just give me time. I’m working on it.”
“Sweets, I will give you all the time in the world. But I don’t know if everyone else can. Sweetheart, we just want you to be happy, now put the damn dress on!”
She’s giving me no damn choice. I go to my bathroom and quickly put the dress on. It doesn’t show the scars, but I still feel like it doesn’t cover my ass. Walking out I see Kim setting up her hair stuff. I’m drawing the line with anything of her having to touch me. I love Kim, and she is a great friend, but I still haven’t let her touch me. When I was in the hospital they would sedate me before doing any dressing changes or wound care. Towards the end, when they couldn’t keep sedating me they would restrain me because I would fight them so bad.
“Relax, it’s not for you, you are as tense as a guitar string, cut it out.” Kim has always been a straight shooter, tell it like it is girl. She always will give you advice, though, whether it’s what you want to hear or not.
Once we are done getting ready, me equipped with a long sweater, her with her hair and make-up done, we get into our cars and head on to Olivia and Damian’s. I’m surprised that Olivia is up for having guests over, hell she’s ready to burst. But when I talked to her this morning she seemed excited.
Pulling up to their house, I see that no other cars are here except Olivia’s car. Damian must be out somewhere, probably picking up Gage.
Instead of knocking, Kim and I just walk right in. Olivia always has an open door policy in her house. Doesn’t hurt that her husband is a giant cop so really you don’t want to mess with him.
“Look, it’s my bitches, coming to help the whale out?”
“Nope, where’s Jack?” I joke with her, she looks really uncomfortable. She’s ready to pop that baby out, but I dunno if they made sure there weren’t two in there.
“He went with Damian, that boy always wants to go wherever he goes. It’s cute and gives me some alone time.”
We hear Damian pull up, and Jack jumps out and runs inside. As soon as he gets close to me he stops dead in his tracks and asks, “Can I, Aunt Corny?” It hurts my heart so bad that he has to ask if he can hug me. The sadness almost brings me to my knees that this beautiful boy, only nine years old, has to ask. I just nod at him and open my arms wide as the tears threaten to flow over.
He launches himself at me with a big smile on his face. “Aunt Corny, I can’t believe you are letting me hug you! This is so cool!”
As he holds onto me, Damian helps Gage into the house. My eyes immediately drink him in. He’s wearing a light green flannel patterned shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The color of the shirt really makes his green eyes pop, and his jeans hug him in all the right places. The tattoos running down his arms are stunning. He’s using his crutches with Damian walking behind him with his wheelchair.
“Hey, Cori.”
An awkwardness settles over us, making me nervous. Jack is between us like a buffer, but even he can’t help the awkwardness.
“I take it your Gage?” Olivia comes waddling up behind him, her belly protruding out like a basketball. She’s really one of those gorgeous pregnant women, the ones who can do it all, only stopping long enough to plop the baby out and then keep on moving.
“Yes, and you are Olivia? Damian said you were beautiful, but that just doesn’t do you justice.” Gag me. Like seriously, gag me. I guess he’s trying to turn the charm on, little does he know that Olivia doesn’t fall for that shit.
“Ha, well aren’t you nice. Isn’t he nice, Cori?” The bitch is blushing!
“Sure, yeah, the nicest.” I turn to go grab a beer. I can’t take any more of this without booze.
“Gage, you want a beer?”
“More than life itself. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one.” He pops the top and in two long gulps, he’s done.
“I’m gonna make Damian start the grill in a few. All the other stuff is done, so help yourself to any of the food, and beer is in the cooler outside, too.” That damn Olivia, always too nice.
I walk outside to talk to Damian and to get away from all the niceness. Gage follows me out onto the patio and sits at the table next to me. I tense up because I know he’s going to talk, and I really don’t have much to say to him.
“You look breathtaking. You should wear that color more often, it looks beautiful against your skin.” I blush, nobody has ever paid me a compliment like that. “Especially when you blush. It’s like looking at the sunrise.”
�
�Well, I don’t know what to say to that. Nobody has every complimented me like that.”
“Well, people should. You’re a gorgeous woman, Cori, and you should be told every day, all day. I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner to start telling you, but I’m here now.”
Oh boy, this guy can lay it on thick, and well… when he says things like that my insides liquefy, and I become strung out on his every word.
“Gage, you can’t say things like that to me. I’m damaged goods, wounded, broken. I will never be normal again. You deserve normal.”
“Who says I fucking want normal? Who says you’re damaged goods? Why, because you have scars on your face? So what, big deal. Most of us have scars, hell even the ugliest of scars can happen on the inside. You, Cori, may have lines on your face, but you most certainly are not broken. A little bruised, yes, but not broken.” He sighs and looks away anxiously, almost as if he’s considering his next words carefully. “If you are broken, though, let me put you back together. Let me be the glue to your pieces.”
He stares directly into my eyes, and my tears cause a hazy blur. I want to believe him, hell I feel like I have to believe him for my own broken sanity. But I don’t know him, we have never hung out, he knows nothing about me. Unless, he does.
“Do you know what happened to me?” My chin trembles at the thought of this man seeing me in any different light. He seems to want to believe that I’m able to be fixed.
“I know enough, and one day I hope to know the whole story because that story is a part of you. That story shows the bumps in your road, but don’t let it become your road. You seem to be dealing with a lot from that time that you are letting it become your life, instead of just an obstacle you lived through. Hell, I dunno why I’m telling you all of this when I still get flashbacks and nightmares, I still wake up gasping for air. But I am doing better, and they aren’t coming as frequently as they were before. I think it’s because I’ve stopped dwelling on the broken pieces and started repairing them. Let me help you repair them, hell, let all of us help you repair them. It’s what we’re here for. You don’t have to go through this alone. You’re not on this journey all by yourself. Let us be the glue to your pieces.”