by Sarina Bowen
“It’s his warm, gooey center,” Jess had said matter-of-factly. “The Pillsbury Doughboy ain’t got shit on Ian Hamilton. Poke his belly once. You’ll see.”
Ian was solid. That was the best description Courtney had for him. To hear Jess refer to him differently put her into a fit of giggles that had them both wiping away tears of amusement. She had tried to explain to Jess that regardless of her curiosity about the feelings Ian provoked, there could never be more than friendship between them. Jess had suggested Courtney talk to Ian about it, and she knew Jess was right. The only problem was, her gut told her that once he knew the truth about her issues with intimacy things would be different.
As much as she shouldn’t encourage Ian’s obvious interest in her, it was hard not to. He was good enough at flirting with her that she sometimes didn’t realize that’s what they were doing until way beyond the time when she should have caught on and ended it. His kisses the night they’d shared all their secrets had made it clear that he was interested in her that way, but she couldn’t in good conscience encourage something that was very unlikely to work out.
Ian had finally signed up for some classes at the college after she and Jess had hounded him about it, but he had made her promise she would help him with his homework and studying anytime he needed it. That was merely an excuse to spend time with her, she knew. Tonight was just such a night. Knowing she looked forward to his visits as much as he did made it hard to deny him.
When she heard his knock, she looked at the video monitor and saw his face really close to the camera, as though it was a mirror and he was using it to look at his teeth and clean stuff out from between them. Laughing, she let him in. He bustled around her carrying his backpack across one massive shoulder and a tiny white box in his hand. He set his bag on the table and placed the box next to it.
“What’s that?” she asked, pointing at the box.
“Oh, no, not this time, woman.” Grabbing the box back and opening the lid, he reached in to pull out a cupcake. Sticking out his tongue, he licked the entire circumference before he placed the cupcake back in the box. “I finally managed to get another one and this baby is mine. I earned it!”
“You earned it?” she asked skeptically.
“Yeah. I helped one of my customers move out of her house and into a condo, and that’s when I was given the first box of cupcakes that someone and her friends ate. This woman’s daughter had made a big batch of them for some party and she wanted me to try a few different flavors. Anyway, this time I helped her move her son or stepson, not sure how he’s related, into a group home for developmentally disabled adults. She said since I don’t actually clean for her anymore the least she could do was give me another cupcake. I had to lie to her and tell her how great the first ones were and then pick a favorite one, even though I didn’t actually get to try any of them,” he said, looking pointedly at her. “So yes, this one right here is mine.”
She swiped a finger across the top of the cupcake and quickly stuck her icing covered finger in her mouth. The look she earned from him had her giggling before she could finish licking off the sweetness. Removing the cupcake from the box once again, he held it above his head, unpeeled the wrapper, tossed it at her and then took a big bite out of the delicious-looking confection.
“Got any milk or coffee?” he asked, which succeeded in making her laugh out loud.
“Nope,” she lied smugly.
Sighing loudly he then laughed and said, “You can have one bite. A little bite, though—more like a nibble—in exchange for milk or coffee.”
“Bite first,” she insisted.
Rolling his eyes at her, he held the cupcake out and she took her bite. After swallowing, she looked at him and forced away the laugh she felt coming. “That one isn’t as good as…” Then she attempted to look sheepish before turning and heading into the kitchen.
“That is just wrong,” he called after her. “This is the best thing I’ve tasted since kissing you.”
Stunned, she paused in pulling the milk out of the refrigerator. Had she heard him right? Closing the fridge door, she pulled out a glass from the cupboard and poured milk from the jug into it. It was time to stop dancing around the topic and be honest with him. Squaring her shoulders, she turned to face him and held out the glass.
“Ian…” she began.”Can I ask you something?”
“Nope,” he replied in the same tone she’d given him earlier, and then he drank half the glass of milk in one swallow.
Ignoring his attempts to make her laugh since this was important, she said, “Do you think you’ll find a woman to settle down and have babies with someday?”
“That’s the goal.” Then he smiled and winked at her. “Know any single ladies in need of a good strapping lad, such as myself?”
Unsure of how to tell him that she was a lost cause for any romantic notions he might be harboring, she said, “No. I don’t know any single ladies except for Jess and myself. Jess is out for obvious reasons, and so am I…. As your friend, I worry that you might be passing up a chance at real happiness by not…dating. I mean how do you expect to meet someone special if you only ever go to the gym with the guys or hang out with me and Jess?”
The humor left his face and his eyes turned from smoke to ice. He set the remainder of his cupcake on the counter and turned back to her. “I guess I was kind of thinking I had already met someone special. I mean I hoped I had anyway.”
“Relationships can be hard sometimes. Starting off with someone who has serious baggage kind of puts you at a disadvantage right out of the gate,” she said quietly.
“That doesn’t matter. If you care about someone and they mean something to you, then you accept that person for who they are regardless,” he said. “I like you, Courtney, despite your baggage, and I was really hoping you felt the same way. I realize that I fall into the not-real-smart-but-can-lift-heavy-things category, as Tori puts it, but I really thought we were getting somewhere.”
“Ian…I just can’t…” She looked at him. “I really don’t think I can handle being intimate…even with you. You can’t seriously think that you will be happy for very long in a relationship with little to no physical affection other than a hug here or there do you?”
“All I know is that you treat me with respect, like I’m someone besides the big, dumb fighter who’ll take a match with anybody,” he said. “I feel like I’m somebody in your eyes—a man with potential. Right now that is more important to me than sex. If I do feel like I’m missing out on affection or whatever at some point, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there…together.”
This wasn’t going well at all. She’d hoped that the therapist part of her could convince him of the truth. A relationship with her was unrealistic, and he needed to accept that. Instead it was obvious that the only way he would move on with his life and get over his fascination with her was if she forced him to. Though she might also be a little infatuated with him, and part of her enjoyed hearing him say such things to her, that was still a far cry from being ready for an intimate relationship. She had come a long way in even being friends with him…but going from friends to lovers felt like a harder prospect than jumping across the Grand Canyon. That leap could take her years…and might never happen. Ian holding out hope wasn’t good for him. She cared too much about him to watch him spend a lifetime living on wishes and fantasies.
The smart thing would have been for her to realize this truth after the miscarriage, but she had only been in the beginning stages of grief and was unable to really see past all that she had lost. Now that some time had passed, and the pain of losing the baby wasn’t as sharp, she could take a realistic look at her situation. If she really cared about Ian as a friend, she should do what was right for him—whether he wanted her to or not. Making every excuse in the world to spend time with her, in hopes it would make a difference, wasn’t right for him.
In a very short amount of time she’d come to adore Ian, and that scared her every bit
as much as the thought of being intimate with him did. The pain she would endure when he realized her issues weren’t worth the hassle would crush her heart and soul and cause more damage a month or a year from now than if she gave him up before this went too far. It was best to call this what it was: an unlikely friendship that would never be anything more. Holding on to him was selfish. He’d been there for her when she needed someone the most because they were friends. He didn’t know it, but being free of her was what he needed. He would realize that someday.
“No, Ian,” she said softly. “If you want a family, then I’m not the woman for you. I know what you’ve been doing these past few weeks with your homework. You are not in third grade and do not need my help for every assignment. It’s an excuse to see me. I know that, but I can’t allow you to do it anymore. You need to branch out and look for other possibilities for a…relationship. I can’t let you settle for something less than what you need…and you need someone who can share a fulfilling relationship with you. I’m just not that person.”
“I believe in soul mates, Courtney. I also believe there is a real possibility you’re my soul mate. So in that, you’re right. I’ll be damned if I’m going to settle for less than what I need,” he said. “I don’t want a family just to have one.”
“You say that now, but that feeling won’t last, Ian. Please trust me. It’s better for you to accept the truth now. I don’t want to see you hurt even worse down the road,” she explained. When he suddenly moved closer to her, she flinched back. The hurt on his face made her breath catch.
Reaching out slowly, he held her arms gently in his hands. “Have I ever hurt you, Courtney?” he asked. When she shook her head, he continued, “You enjoyed my kisses, didn’t you, Courtney?” When she nodded, she felt the first of her tears fall. “Then why can’t you trust that I can make love to you and not hurt you? Why can’t you trust that you can enjoy my touch and not feel as if I’m taking something from you? I would never hurt you, Courtney. Give me a chance to show you the good parts and the pleasures of sex before you decide it’s not for you.”
“I can’t, Ian. Please. You should go,” she sobbed. Jess must have told him the part about her not ever having been with a man. Embarrassment fanned her cheeks and made her feel even more abnormal.
His icy eyes stared into hers for several long moments before he finally released her and backed away. Then he walked back through the house, grabbing his backpack on his way out. A sob tore from her at the sound of the door closing behind him. As much as she wanted to chase after him, this was for the best. He was a good man and deserved someone whole…not a broken soul like hers.
* * *
The first few days after Ian left were the easiest. By the following week, she was beginning to question whether or not she had done the right thing. One half of her knew he deserved someone special, someone without the hang-ups she harbored, someone who could appreciate the man he was. The other half of her missed him so badly it woke her up at night. The fact that she believed she’d done the right thing by him was all that kept her from calling him.
With life back to classes and alone time, when her cell phone rang she raced to answer it.
“Look, I told myself I wasn’t going to get in the middle of you and Ian’s drama, but when it affects me, too, then I have to butt into your business. What the hell happened between you two?” Jess demanded when Courtney answered.
“Jess, I just…” she started, and then the sting of tears stopped her as memories of his smoky eyes, his perfect smile and his way of coaxing her into a conversation came to mind.
“Look, from where I stand it seems like you guys really care about each other, so what is the problem?” Jess asked.
“I don’t think I can go through with it, Jess, and I don’t want to make things worse than they already are between us. Rejecting him now hurts him—I know it does because it hurts me, too—but it’s better than rejecting him while we try to…”
“I’m not taking sides, but have you really thought about why you don’t want to try being with him? Have you talked to him about your fears of being intimate? Or what you think would happen if you tried and sex didn’t work out?” Jess asked.
“No, we end up making light of it and that keeps things relaxed between us but never really addresses the issue. Even if we did discuss how we feel about each other and being intimate in a serious manner, I don’t think it would help,” she replied.
“Of course it will help! It’s the same thing as when I asked what you thought it might be like to be with a woman. You said you had no idea and had never even thought about it, yet you had thought about what it should be like with a man. That’s how I knew you weren’t gay. I think you realized it, too—you just needed to hear it out loud. It’s the same thing with this! You’re just afraid, Courtney. Maybe if you told him how you feel about him and what you think might happen if you were to be intimate with him…. Either help him understand why you can’t be with him or maybe…who knows?” Jess said. “Maybe you’ll find yourself in his bed. But you owe it to each other to at least talk about it, regardless of what happens.”
“How do I start that conversation?” Courtney choked out.
“I don’t know, but you did manage to talk about kissing…or so I heard. In fact, from what he says, you laid a big one on him afterward and it wasn’t his fault at all.” Jess laughed softly. “He might have been talking out of his ass in hopes that I didn’t stick my foot up there, but obviously you managed to muddle your way through talking about that, right?”
“He told you that I kissed him?”
“He didn’t volunteer the information. He was just smiling like an idiot one morning, and I asked him what was going on, and he tried refusing to answer my questions until I told him that if it involved you he was fixing to meet his maker,” Jess said. “Then he got this look, like a teenage girl who was just asked to the prom, and said you kissed him. He had a completely starstruck smile, and I could practically see cartoon hearts over his head. I nearly threw up in my mouth.”
Courtney couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped. Some part of her wished she was taking this whole thing too seriously, but the bigger part of her knew that intimacy was a much bigger step than friendship—it was more like a gorge in need of a bridge. Would sharing kisses and talking about sex with Ian be enough? The feel of his mouth on hers had been wonderful but would that feeling last long enough to get them any further?
“Look, normally I’d be happy to sit down and talk with you guys about your issues. You’re my friends. However, I just don’t think I belong in this…whatever is between the two of you. You guys need to talk about this yourselves. It needs to be worked out one way or the other because neither one of you are ready to part ways and give up on each other,” Jess said.
After hanging up, Courtney sat staring off into space thinking about what Jess had said. Why didn’t she want to even try being intimate with Ian? He would never make her do anything she didn’t want to. She knew that. The issue wasn’t pushing memories of the past aside long enough to try, it was the idea of what might happen to their friendship if she wasn’t able to finish. There would be no taking back that kind of rejection. It would make things awkward between them. Already, the few times they had talked about intimacy had been so embarrassing they’d had to ease the discomfort with jokes and laughter. It might be kind of hard to do that…naked.
Courtney understood where Jess was coming from. Courtney had contemplated what it would be like with a man, but more recently she’d thought about what it would be like with Ian. Somehow having an actual face to go with the “imaginary man of passion” she’d conjured up a few times in the past was hard for her to handle. What would happen if reality couldn’t live up to those fantasies? How painful would it be to tell him that she didn’t want to finish?
But every time she imagined failing to be intimate with Ian, all she could picture instead was his perfect smile. She always smiled at the mere t
hought. The way his eyes had become more smoke-filled right up until their lips met had left butterflies in her stomach. His fingers in her hair had been gentle and amazing. A shiver went up her arms and down the entire length of her body at the memory.
Maybe she should consider Jess’s advice.
* * *
The following evening as her class ended and students piled out the door, she looked up to find Ian standing there. He appeared stressed. His eyes nearly glowed with intensity. His backpack was thrown over his shoulder and he held some papers in his hand.
“I need help dropping these classes. Can you tell me what I need to do?” he asked. “My advisor is booked and can’t see me until the day after tomorrow, which would defeat the purpose.”
Taking the papers from his hand she read the top line of each one. They were agendas or areas of focus for final exams. Glancing up at him she was surprised when he looked down and away as though in shame.
“I don’t understand. Why would you want to drop these classes if you are already at the point of final exams?”
“I am barely keeping my head above water, and I suck at taking tests,” he replied. “I tried to tell you guys that school isn’t my thing.”
He seemed to be really sweating the idea of taking such important tests. “Exams are scary for everyone, Ian, not just you. Study each area on these guides, and you’ll do fine.”
“No, Courtney. I won’t do fine. I appreciate your faith in me, but tests don’t like me. School doesn’t like me. I’m not taking those exams and I’m done with school. I thought I would be learning stuff I want to learn, not taking Math and English and crap I hated even back in high school,” he replied. “Please just tell me if there is someone else I can talk to about getting out besides my advisor.”