by Ana Novak
The fact that it had been a tough situation in the first place was what worried me. I watched Chris carefully, trying to gauge my attraction to him. Maybe he just wasn’t my type? He was tall, but not dark, and I usually went for brunettes. When he laughed at something Mistral said, though, his teeth flashed white in the dim lights of the club, and I noted the strong line of his shoulders under his shirt.
No, he was definitely attractive. Two months ago, I probably would have jumped at the chance to have a no-strings-attached night out with this guy, twenty years old or not. But that was before Shane had chased me down outside the cafe. That was before I’d gotten myself entangled in this game of sex and passion, telling myself that I could handle sex without commitment. The reality, however, was that I cared about Shane. A lot. Enough that I didn’t want to even think about kissing anyone else.
This was not good. Not good at all.
Chapter 14
I kicked the door shut with one booted foot, trying not to shiver at how chilly my apartment was, and dropped my luggage on the floor before collapsing on the couch. I felt tired and dirty after the long flight home, and all I wanted was a shower and the warm comfort of my own bed.
The rest of our girls' night out had gone off without a hitch, and by midnight, Chris had been so completely enamored with Mistral that he’d begged her to stay another night. She’d begged off and taken his phone number, but I knew she wouldn’t call. She never did.
Reluctantly, I rolled off the couch and headed toward the bathroom, adjusting the thermostat before I entered the bedroom. I kicked my shearling boots off first, then shoved off my pants after them. By the time I got to the bathroom, there was a trail of clothes behind me and all I had to do was tumble into the shower and turn the water on as hot as it would go.
Shane would be coming over soon. After deleting the half dozen texts David had sent me while we were flying, I’d texted Shane from the airport to let him know we got in safely. I still wasn’t sure what to say to him. That feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach had mutated into a combination of dread and frustration. When we’d started this, I’d been determined to keep our relationship strictly about sex, but the incident with Chris in Tahiti had shown me that my feelings had gone far beyond that.
I had finished showering and was towel-drying my hair when I heard the front door open.
“Tay?” Shane’s voice was muffled when it was filtered through the bedroom door.
“I’m getting dressed,” I called. “Be right out.” I rummaged through my dresser drawer and pulled out a wrinkled maxi dress. Yanking it over my head, I looked in the mirror and grimaced. Jet lag did not agree with me, but I wasn’t about to apply a full face of makeup just to say hi to Shane.
I opened the bedroom door and found him sitting on the couch. When he looked up, a grin spread across his face. “Welcome home,” he said, and stood up, and my heart went into my throat because even after all this time, he was so unbelievably handsome that he still took my breath away. I went to him and walked right into his hug, closing my eyes as I welcomed the familiar warmth of his body. When I was barefoot, my head settled perfectly against his shoulder, and I breathed in his scent, wanting to remember it forever.
“I missed you,” I said, knowing I shouldn’t say so. “We need to talk.”
A chuckle rumbled in his chest, and he released me from the embrace. “Sure,” he said with his usual charmingly arrogant grin. “I’m all ears.”
I sat down on the couch, waiting until he settled beside me before I tried to think of how to say this. Finally I decided that being blunt was the best option.
“I don’t know if we should keep seeing each other,” I said.
That surprised him. Something flashed in Shane’s eyes, an emotion I couldn’t quite identify. He nodded, and I saw his jaw tighten almost imperceptibly.
“Why?” was all he said.
I tried to think of how to explain it coherently, without letting my feelings garble everything up. “When I was at the resort in Tahiti, we went out to Vai'ete Square,” I said. “There was this guy there. A college student. His name was Chris.”
Shane stood up abruptly, shoving his hands in his pockets. He moved away from the couch, his steps heavy and deliberate, before leaning against the wall. His shoulders were hunched, his hands jammed into his pockets with his elbows locked straight, and his eyes were intense upon me. “Go on,” he said, and his voice was low.
“We talked,” I said. I was hesitant at what his reaction might be, but I knew I had to get this out. “He bought me a drink. It was a girls’ night out, but I talked to him a little. He said it was his birthday and that he wanted me to kiss him at midnight, and I knew- well, I knew what he wanted.”
Shane yanked his hands out of his pockets and folded his arms across his chest. His movements were quick and jerky. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said, frustrated at myself for being so confused. “I knew exactly what he was looking for. And two months ago, I wouldn’t have minded. But this weekend, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even kiss him. All I could think about was you, and how I’d feel if you kissed someone else, and it just made me completely sick to my stomach.”
Silence followed my remark.
“You didn’t take him back to your hotel room?” Shane asked finally.
“No. I told you, I couldn’t even kiss him. I couldn’t even hold his hand!”
“Because of me.”
“Yes.”
The tension bled from Shane’s shoulders, and I heard him take a deep breath. “Fuck, Taylor, you scared me. I thought you were going to say you’d met someone else.”
“I did meet someone else,” I said, annoyed that he seemed to be missing the point. “But I got all wrapped up in- in my feelings for you, and I couldn’t go through with it.”
“So?”
“So this is supposed to be a no strings attached arrangement!” I exclaimed, standing up and tossing my throw pillow down on the couch. “Don’t you understand why that’s a problem? I’m starting to have feelings for you. Like, possessive feelings. And that’s not okay.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I don’t want to feel that way again!” I snapped, genuinely angry now. “Feelings turn into something more, and that’s not what I want. Not now, not ever!”
His voice was raised to match mine. “And I’m asking you again, why the hell not? What’s the big fucking deal?”
“I just got out of a marriage where I didn’t get a say in how my life went,” I said icily. “I like being free. I like my independence. I don’t want anyone tying me down, and I don’t want to lose control again.”
Shane gave me an are you stupid look. “When have I ever tried to control you?”
“Don’t you get it? You were controlling me without trying! I ditched that guy because of you! Because of your hold on me!”
“That is not my fault.”
I was more irritated than ever at his nonchalant responses. “So you’re telling me you’d be perfectly okay with it if I went out and fucked someone else right now?”
“Hell, no.”
“So you have feelings for me, too!” I was not being kind with my tone, spitting out the word feelings like it was filthy in my mouth.
“Christ, Taylor, we’ve spent almost every night together for the past month. We talk all the time. I’d have to be dead not to feel something.”
“That’s exactly what I didn’t want to happen!”
“Well, welcome to real fucking life,” he said with obvious disgust. “People have feelings. They get attached. It happens. It doesn’t have to be your end game. It’s not like I’m asking you to chain yourself to me for all eternity.”
“I don’t understand why you don’t think this is a big deal,” I said.
“I don’t understand why you think it is a big deal,” he insisted. “I like you, Taylor. I like talking to you, I like holding you, and yeah, I like fucking you. I sure as shit don’t want
another guy doing it. That doesn’t mean I’m losing control of my life. It means I’m a selfish human being and I want to keep something good to myself. I’m not all that keen on sharing a steak dinner, either, but nobody’s gonna accuse me of losing my goddamn mind over a good meal.”
A short silence followed his comment, and I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t know how I feel about being compared to a steak dinner.”
“Feel however you want,” he huffed. “I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t tell you what to do, I don’t order you around, and you’re still turning this around and making me out to be some kind of control freak.”
“I didn’t say you were a control freak,” I protested, but he was off on a tangent now.
“I was out of my mind while you were gone,” he said, pushing off the wall and pacing back and forth. “I couldn’t touch you or taste you, and it was driving me fucking crazy. That’s how it is, and I’m not scared of it. I’m into you, you’re into me, but you keep trying to slap a label on us, and now you want to end it because you don’t want to fuck anyone else? How does that make sense?”
“Whoa, calm down,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to start a fight.”
“Like hell you weren’t!” he retorted.
“I wasn’t! And you’re not even trying to understand why I’m upset! Don’t you get it?”
“I get that you’re trying to push me away because you’re scared of having feelings,” he said, and the derision in his tone was so heavy that it took all my self-control not to scream at him to get out of my apartment.
“I just got out of a marriage where my husband controlled everything I did,” I said, and I knew the anger was bleeding into my voice even though I was trying to stay calm. “Everything I wore, said, ate or drank- Dave was in charge of all of it. And I let him control me because I loved him. I don’t want that to happen again.”
He rolled his eyes, exasperated. “I won’t-”
“You may not. I will,” I snapped. “If I fall in love with you, Shane, I’ll let you control me without you even knowing it. You might let me choose, but I’ll choose what you want because that’s how I am. I lose myself in people. And I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to be that way anymore!” I stopped and took a deep breath, clenching my fists at my sides and fighting to tamp down my frustration.
There was a long silence following my words, and finally Shane sighed, rubbing a hand tiredly over his eyes. “Look, Taylor,” he said. His tone was modulated, just like mine had been, and I knew that he was trying to control his temper as well. “Your marriage sucked. I-” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, starting again. “I get that. I’ve met the guy and he’s an asshole. But I’m not him and I’ll never be him. I don’t want someone I can control. I want you. Just you, the way you are right now.”
His vulnerability broke my heart, and I sank down onto a seat, feeling defeated as I curled up into the corner of the couch. “I want you, too,” I whispered. “It scares me.”
The couch cushion shifted as he sat next to me. “Me too,” he admitted, his voice low. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“Whatever this is,” I muttered.
“Whatever this is,” Shane agreed. He reached over and took my hand, tentatively, as if he was afraid I would pull away from him. “I’ll never hurt you, Taylor.”
I laughed, bracing my forehead against the palm of my other hand. “You can’t promise that.”
“I can. I am. Look at me.”
I felt his hand gentle against my chin, turning my head so I was facing him, and I reluctantly met his eyes. Just like I’d known I would, I felt the same familiar pull, the intense desire to fall into him and forget anything else existed.
“I don’t think I can control you,” he said wryly. “If I tried, you’d kick my ass.”
“When my last relationship ended, I moved to the other side of the country for two years,” I told him.
“Maybe now’s a good time to talk about knee-jerk reactions,” he answered, deadpan. I couldn’t help but giggle, and he pulled me into his arms. I slid my arms around his waist, reveling in the ripple of his abdominal muscles through his shirt, the smooth hardness of his back against my hands.
“You don’t have to be scared.” His breath stirred my damp hair, tickling my ear.
“I know,” I said.
I didn’t know, but I didn’t want to think about it any longer, and I moved to straddle him, pushing him back against the couch cushions so that we were facing each other. His hands settled on my hips, above where my skirt was bunched up around my thighs.
“You’re a nice guy and a total sex god,” I said, tracing my finger along the line of his beard. “What the hell are you doing with a screw-up like me?”
His eyebrows knitted as he pretended to consider my words. “What am I doing with a beautiful, successful writer who sucks dick like a pro and tells me I’m a sex god? Give me a minute.”
“Oh my god, you’re so crass.” I smacked his shoulder, and he caught my hand, pressing a kiss to my palm.
“You know it’s not just about the sex,” he said, keeping my hand pressed against his cheek as he met my gaze.
My heart fluttered within me. “It’s all about the sex,” I said quickly, not wanting to hear what he was about to say. “No strings attached. Remember?” I pulled my hand from his and reached down to unbutton his jeans, focusing my attention on his lap so I wouldn’t have to look into his eyes.
He shifted beneath me. “Wait.”
I ignored him, freeing his cock from the confines of his boxer briefs and pumping my fist up the shaft, drawing a shuddering breath from his throat.
“Taylor, wait, don’t-”
I clapped one hand over his mouth. “Don’t talk. Where’s your wallet?”
I felt his smile against my hand, and he shifted, somehow managing to pull his wallet out of his back pocket without toppling me off of him.
I raised one eyebrow. “Condom?”
With one hand on my hips and without breaking eye contact, he flipped his wrist and dropped the wallet on the couch cushion. A foil packet was in his hand.
“Damn, you’re good,” I said, and reached with my free hand to take the condom from him. “No more talking,” I reminded him as I removed my hand from his mouth. He obediently kept quiet, and I tried my best to ignore how gorgeous he was as I tore the packet open, pulling out the condom and flinging the empty packet over my shoulder.
He shook his head. “You’re making a-”
“Nope!” I clapped my hand over his mouth again. “Shush!”
His chest was shaking as he tried not to laugh, but the chuckle ended in a strangled moan when I rolled the condom down over his shaft. I rose up on my knees, using my other hand to angle him towards my center. As I sank down on him, his breath exploded against my palm, and his fingers dug painfully into my hips.
I pulled my hand away from his mouth and leaned down to crush my lips to his. He kissed me back, and his hands slid around to cup my ass. I felt him move my hips, working me on his hardness, and the friction was so good that I moaned into his mouth.
He tore his mouth from mine, his breath against my face. “Fucking hell, Taylor,” he said hoarsely. “Is this what you want? This is all you want from me?”
I shook my head, still overwhelmed by the pressure of his hands on my ass and the hot, smooth rhythm that he had established. “Don’t say that,” I gasped, and tried to kiss him again, but he dodged my lips, moving instead to bite the sensitive skin at the junction of my neck and shoulder. I moaned again, throwing my head back to give him better access.
He moved up my neck, nipping at my earlobe. “What do you want?”
“You know what I want.” My hands were all over him, on his chest, clutching at his shoulders, grasping at his leg as he rocked my body on top of his. I moved with him as he thrust up into me, pleasure emanating from my very core.
Shane stood up abruptly, his strong hands holding me o
n him, and I shrieked in surprise. “You’re going to trip over your jeans,” I blurted out, but by then he already had me up against the wall and was pushing into me. He lifted his head and looked straight at me, and I flushed, caught between gasping in ecstasy and losing myself in his eyes.
“You want more than this,” he said.
I shook my head and tried unsuccessfully to capture his lips with mine. “No.”
He thrust again, dragging another groan from me. “Tell me the truth, sweetheart.”
“This is…” I sucked in a breath, trying valiantly to stay in control. “This is stupid. Just fuck me, Shane.”
“I want to,” he said, and finally kissed me, still buried deep inside me but no longer moving. “Come on, Taylor. We’re fucking amazing together. I know you want more.”
I hitched my hips against his, whimpering when he remained still. “You’re fucking amazing when you keep your mouth shut, Kruger.”
A smile played around his lips. “Say you’re mine and I’ll give you what you want.”
I should have been furious. I should have slapped him across the face. This was exactly what I’d wanted to avoid, and I should have told him so, but his persistence was only turning me on, his playful charm making my heart twist painfully within me.
Determined to maintain control, I locked my legs around his hips and used the leverage to grind on him. “I- I- oh, god.”
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” he said gruffly, brushing his fingers down my cheek, supporting my weight completely with his opposite hand. For an eternal moment, we were suspended in time, staring into each other’s eyes, a connection forming that was deeper than physical.
I’m yours, I wanted to say suddenly, I’m yours forever and I love you, but I couldn’t bring myself to put voice to the words. “I’m yours for now,” I whispered instead, and leaned back against the wall so that I could roll my hips against his. “I don’t want anyone else, Shane. Only you.”
He didn’t move, watching me fuck him, his eyes so dark with desire that they were almost black. I could feel my orgasm careening towards me like a freight train, and I knew there was no way I could stave it off. “Please,” I said desperately, and braced one hand against the wall behind me.