by T. L. Haddix
Ben cleared his throat and smoothed a hand over his mouth. “Arizona. What was it you called the place? A rattlesnake den full of scorpions and dried-up cougars with cacti up their rears?”
He made a rude gesture. “Go ahead and laugh. God knows Caleb did.” Utterly miserable, Warren sat up and stretched his legs. “You could fire me and make this easy on both of us.”
This time, Ben did laugh, and he slapped Warren on the back, then squeezed his shoulder. “Son, you really are addled if you think I’d do that. Not only would I lose the best manager this farm has ever had—and if you tell Flaco I said that, I’ll throw you in the pool—but my daughter and quite possibly my wife would never speak to me again. No, you’re going to have to man up and face this. God help us all.”
They sat quietly for a bit, and then Warren asked, “You wouldn’t object to me and Lily?”
Ben didn’t answer right away, just studied him in the dying evening light. “Is she your second choice in any way?” he asked softly.
The question was stunning. “What? No. Why would you… oh. Jessie.” Warren looked across the patio at the house as though he could see through the walls. “I don’t know how to answer that. She’s gone, and nothing in the world is going to bring her back. I’ve accepted that. I’d never compare her and Lily, not like what you’re suggesting. It’d be wrong to both of them. I don’t… I don’t know what else to tell you. That said, I’m not sure I can be in a relationship. I don’t particularly want to get hurt like that again.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” When Warren nodded, Ben continued. “Back when I first saw Ainsley, the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was special. By the time we finished having pie together that first day, passing the time while we waited for our families, I knew I had to get to know her better. By the time I kissed her the first time, I knew I had to marry her. I didn’t get the chance to do that for more than five years. She married someone else. It was a complicated, frankly fucked-up mess that we both still have the occasional nightmare about.”
“That’s when Ainsley started self-medicating?” Warren asked, aware of her history as a recovering addict.
Ben nodded. “It is. And she almost didn’t come out of it. If not for Jonah and Doug, she wouldn’t have. They kicked her butt enough that she saw what she was doing, and she changed her course. What happened to us, it tore us apart as individuals as much as it destroyed us as a couple. We had to relearn who we were, and we weren’t the same people when we came back together. We had to start over, and we almost didn’t.”
Warren was astonished. “Seriously?”
“Oh, the basics were there, don’t get me wrong. But we saw the world differently. We didn’t take anything for granted anymore. We knew nothing was guaranteed. We didn’t think we’d ever have children because Ainsley was one hair away from a hysterectomy that she desperately needed. We knew it wouldn’t be a perfect life from time to time. And it hasn’t been. There’ve been rough patches. Nothing that ever made us not want to be with the other, but certainly times when we had to work harder at making things work.
“The point is, neither of us particularly wanted to take the chance on each other at first. We’d hurt each other too much at that point, when we came back together, and we didn’t know if we’d survive another hit, so to speak. Ainsley in particular went through a literal hell to get back to me, to protect the Campbells and their secrets.” Ben eyed him. “I don’t tell a lot of people what I’m about to tell you, and I’d appreciate it if you kept this to yourself.”
“You have my word.” Warren held up his hand as a promise.
“When we were nineteen, we were stupid and young and you know how kids are at that age.”
The smile they shared was sad.
“I have a good idea, yeah.”
Ben shrugged. “Well, we weren’t as careful as we should have been, and Ainsley got pregnant. I didn’t know, however, because her mother interfered and married her off to Doug. She blackmailed Ainsley into agreeing to the match, threatened to bring down the entire Campbell family. She knew what Dad can do, and she was going to use that knowledge as a weapon.”
Warren shook his head. “Wow. I’ve heard little snippets of things here and there from Lily, but that’s—”
Ben stopped him. “That’s nothing. Ainsley didn’t know she was pregnant when she and Doug got married. As soon as she found out, they both started trying to figure out how to get her back to me. Geneva knew Doug wasn’t the father, since he was gay, and she tricked him into giving Ainsley pills that caused an abortion. She and Doug were in Mexico at the time, and they got stuck there with inadequate medical care. She was too far along for the pills to work without hurting her, and she almost died. She literally almost died, came within hours or even minutes of it.”
The idea that someone would perpetuate such an evil deed against Ainsley, who was one of the sweetest people he’d ever known, hurt Warren. “My God. I’m so sorry, Ben.”
“Thank you. Thing is, I know how destructive the what-might-have-been game is. There’ve been many a time when I’ve thought about that child, about who it might have become. About how many children I could have given my wife if her mother hadn’t ripped her body apart, how much pain I could have saved Ainsley. Until she had Lily and then finally the hysterectomy, she suffered so damned much. That’s the kind of thing that haunts a man.”
Warren understood very well what Ben was talking about. “You blame yourself.”
Ben nodded. “To this day, when I think about it. But then I look at her, and I look at Lily and the life we’ve built for ourselves, and I know that I couldn’t change anything if I went back, because then none of this would exist. And I’d rather go through the hell of the past again than take a chance of losing Ainsley or my daughter.”
“It’s a big risk, reaching for that sort of happiness,” Warren said quietly. “I don’t know if I can do it.”
“If you can’t let Lily go, you’ll have to try to take the chance. And if you can’t try, you’ll have to go. I don’t say that to be cruel, but I won’t let you stay here and hurt my daughter. I’ll make it as easy on you as possible without sending you to Arizona,” Ben said, his tone sardonic. “But I won’t let you tear her apart. I won’t stand by and watch you tear yourself apart either.”
Warren looked at his feet. “I’m not sure she wants me to try.”
Ben sighed. “Oh, I’d say she does. If I’m seeing things clearly from each of you, I’d say she very much does.” He stood, letting his hand rest on Warren’s shoulder for a minute. “Just think about this, okay? Don’t rush into things, but for all our sakes, don’t take too long to do something.”
Warren held his hand out to shake. “Thank you. I swear to you, I’ll do my best not to let you down.”
“Just try to be happy. Whatever you do, try to be happy. The rest will work itself out. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After Ben went inside, Warren didn’t linger. He was too tempted to walk around the back of the house, to go knock on Lily’s door and beg to be let in. However, he did need to think, so he headed home. All the while, he thought about the weariness in Ben’s voice when he spoke about the past, the pain the memories clearly brought the man.
Warren had known some of the story. He’d known Ben and Ainsley had fought a tough battle, knew she was in recovery. But the details… they reminded him so much of what he’d gone through, and he was devastated to think they’d had to endure the same. He’d never realized just how strong they were, how strong they’d had to be, and he loved and admired them more than ever for having survived what they’d gone through. For having been strong enough to be soft, for having the courage he wasn’t sure he could find within himself.
He also felt a bit silly, protecting his heart the way he’d done, knowing how brave they’d been. It made him think of something Brooke had said a few years back about Ow
en’s uncle Eli and his second wife, Eliza.
“They went into marriage, each of them knowing they only had a handful of years at most, and they never looked back. They wanted each other more than they wanted to be safe.”
When he reached his house, he went straight to the living room. Hanging over the empty fireplace was a large painting, a vivid landscape Lily had done a few years back and given him as a housewarming present. It showed the view from his favorite spot on Owen and Sarah’s farm, looking out across the mountaintop meadow that fell away to a line of trees and the valley far below, a place that always gave him a sense of overwhelming peace mixed with the promise of endless possibilities.
When she gave it to him, he’d been stunned. “How did you know?”
She shrugged and ducked her face shyly, all of nineteen and still a sweet girl he thought of as just a dear friend. “Grandpa mentioned that every time you came up to see them, rain or shine, you liked to stand there and take it in. So I painted it for you. This way you always have it when you need it.”
The gift had touched him deeply, because he’d known at that moment that at least one other person on the planet understood him and accepted him. He’d believed that until last year, at least, then uncertainty had crept in to undermine everything.
“How the hell am I supposed to turn my back on you?” he whispered. “You’ve been a part of me for so long, and I never realized it until now. I never stood a chance, did I?”
Exhausted, he craved the solace of alcohol with a stronger pull than he’d had in a while. Determined to put that need firmly where it belonged, he did the one thing he knew would help—he headed for the sanctuary of sleep.
As he crawled into bed a few minutes later, he pulled the pillows to his chest, holding them with a tight grasp. Knowing Lily was not even a mile away tonight was testing his willpower like nothing in ages. Especially now that he’d made his confession to Ben, he was having a hard time finding a reason why he shouldn’t go to her.
“Maybe because you need a little time to adjust to the idea that you’re falling in love,” he said as his eyes drifted shut, fatigue winning out against his nerves. “Better get used to it fast, old man.”
Otherwise, he’d be the idiot standing in the middle of the road watching the woman he loved ride away with another man, and he would only have himself to blame.
Chapter Twenty-One
When Ainsley asked her to take some papers down to Warren in the office Saturday morning, Lily wanted to protest. But her mother was up to her eyeballs getting things ready for the group of veterans on their way out to spend time with the therapy horses, and Lily couldn’t say a word.
It was only eight o’clock, and though she’d been at work since six, Lily was struggling to wake up. When she got to Warren’s office, she might sneak into his fridge and steal something with caffeine in it. She’d not slept well last night even after she’d exhausted herself swimming, and it was going to take everything in her to get through the day without falling asleep in a stall somewhere.
“Knock, knock,” she said, pausing in the open doorway of his office.
Warren stuck his head out of the bathroom. “Hey. Come on in.”
“What are you doing?” she asked, scowling when she saw the scissors in his hand.
“Trying to reach these stitches. They’re itching me to death.”
Lily cursed under her breath and tossed the papers on the desk. “For crying out loud, give me those before you gouge a bigger hole. Are they even sterile?” she asked as he handed her the scissors. The effort it took to ignore the fact that the man was shirtless just made her more irritable, and she growled.
“How long have you been up?” He went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Coke, which he opened and handed to her with a look.
“Too long. Sit down, would you? I’ll take a look at the stitches.” But she drank deeply from the bottle, sighing when the sweet, cold liquid hit her stomach. “Ah, that’s so good. Thank you.”
Warren laughed softly. “You’re welcome. I’m surprised you haven’t already downed a coffee or twelve.” He leaned against the desk as she got the first aid kit down.
“No time. I was very nearly late to work this morning. I’ll admit I maybe was relying on my relationship with the bosses to keep me out of trouble.”
“Is your mom prepping for the veterans?”
“Yeah. We’re up to two groups every other weekend now, she said. I’m glad. Horse therapy really helps.”
He nodded. “It’s a good way to give back to them for what they do, at least a little. We’ve talked about opening the farm up through the week, but I don’t think we’re ready to do that yet. Not until we see how the expanded Saturdays go.”
“It’d be hard to try to do it without you,” she said, glancing at him. “But you’re probably aware of that already.”
“I am. So how’s it looking?”
She shook her head as she examined the wound. “You heal almost as fast as the Campbells. These are ready to come out.”
Warren winced. “I hate this part of stitching almost more than the front end.”
Lily grinned at him. “I know. I think it’s cool.”
He shook his head, but he was smiling for once. After she’d removed the stitches, a process that made him shudder with revulsion, she got out the antibiotic ointment and a clean bandage.
“Just until your holes close up,” she said as he swiped her Coke and took a drink. “Since we don’t work in the most sterile environment.”
“Good night, that sounds so sickening,” he said. “Like I got my back pierced or something.”
Lily gently bumped his shoulder with hers, leaning in for one second, two, then laughed, a move she’d done a thousand times in the past. “For such a manly man, you are so squeamish, it’s hilarious. Stitches and worms.”
He sent her an arch look. “Don’t forget spiders.”
“Oh, I would never forget spiders. You’re all done.” She packed up the kit, her hands slowing as she drew in a breath in preparation of diving into a subject she thought she might be better off leaving alone. “Warren… are you and Nikki involved?”
She didn’t look at him, couldn’t lift her eyes away from the red cross on the side of the first aid kit, but she felt him watching her. It seemed like forever before he answered.
“No. Not anymore.”
“But you were.” She felt her cheeks heat up, painfully aware she was blushing like a schoolgirl. She gave an internal groan, resentful that her body had revealed that much to him.
He answered her solemnly. “When she first joined Doc’s practice, yeah. We had a few encounters. It was a long time ago.”
“Encounters. Like what happened with us.”
Warren’s hand circled her wrist, his touch gentle. “No. Nothing like what happened with us. Nothing.”
The move surprised her into looking up, and when she met his eyes, they locked gazes. If she’d had a million dollars to buy a million words, she’d not have been able to come up with a single syllable to describe what passed between them in that moment. All she knew was that it hurt and it healed simultaneously, and she didn’t know whether to pull back or move closer.
“She… it was months before last fall. Before us,” he said.
Lily tried to smile. “It’s none of my business. I just, well, I wanted to know. I’m sorry.”
“None of… Lily.” He was incredulous.
A voice sounded from outside, and she pulled away, moving to the filing cabinets to put the first aid kit back where it went.
Ainsley peeked around the corner a few seconds later, her eyes widening when she saw Warren sitting there without a shirt. “Am I interrupting?”
“Nope, not in the least. I was just saving him from a bigger scar,” Lily said as she grabbed a second Coke from the fridge. “I’ll hea
d up to the main barn, if that’s where you need me today.”
“It is, thanks.” Her mother was still eyeing her and Warren with pursed lips. “I’ll be back up there in a minute. I found another stupid paper and had to run down here to drop it off.”
“Thanks for the doctoring,” Warren said as Lily left.
She popped her head back into the office and grinned. “I’ll send you a bill.”
Lily’s smile faded as she hurried out of the building. Today would be a busy day, at least the morning would be, and she was glad. She needed to stay busy to keep her mind off things. Some of her anger from last night had faded, but it had left behind a wealth of tired resignation.
“But I’m not thinking of that now,” she said as she approached the barn. “Later will be plenty soon enough to ruminate on all of it.”
Warren got his shirt back on as casually as he could. “What’s up, boss?”
Ainsley closed the door and stood against it, arms crossed as she studied him. “You tell me. Ben said you’d had quite an interesting conversation.”
He tapped his fingers on the half-empty bottle of soda Lily had left behind. “We did. What would you like me to say?”
She tilted her head, worry creasing her brow. “I’m not sure. You can’t leave though. You’re too much a part of this farm, this family. Get that out of your head, would you?”
Warren laughed. “I’m starting to think you all would follow me if I went.” He sat down behind the desk and glanced at the papers she and Lily had brought. It was a copy of the farm’s latest insurance policy, which had somehow ended up going around and around in the mail. “I’m glad to see this.”
“I’m sure you are. Are you going to break my daughter’s heart?”
He looked up. “I hope not.” Dropping the papers, he sat back with a sigh. “I don’t have the answers you want or need. I’m sorry.”
“So long as you aren’t sitting on your ass, figuratively speaking, I’ll accept that for now.” She glanced at her watch. “I have to get back to work. For what it’s worth, if you want my approval to pursue Lily, you have it. I’ve been waiting to say that to you for a couple of years now, you know.”