by Clara Bayard
He slammed a flat palm against the wall.
“I can’t be anything but this. I’m a fuck-up. All I’ve ever been good at, aside from fucking up, is music. I can sing and play and write. So that’s what I do. And I’m good at it. But I’m not a good man and I never will be.” A sob escaped him and he turned away.
I went over and put my hand on his shoulder, turning him around. “Don’t say that, Dex. You’re just in a bad place right now.”
“Not just now. Always. My whole life. And I won’t let you fall into this pit with me. I can’t. You’re the most wonderful thing in this fucking wasteland of a world and I won’t be what ruins you, too.”
I took his hand and dragged him over to the bed. We sat down. “How long have you felt this way?”
“Since the first time I saw you. God knows I tried to stay away. To let you be. But how could I? I’m weak. And I crave you like a drug, Becca. I live for the way your hair smells and how your hands feel on me. How your smile lights up a room and your voice reverberates through my bones. I’m hooked on every word you say. Every look you give me is a fix. I’m not strong enough to stay away from you. And you’re so brave.”
His fingers graze my cheek.
“I need you to end this. Get away from me before it’s too late.”
Through the tears streaming down my face I smiled. “I won’t.”
“Please. I’m begging you. I’ll never be happy without you but I won’t let you be miserable with me.”
“Dex, you’re an idiot,” I said softly. “These weeks with you have been the happiest of my life. I spent so much time just going through the motions. Doing what I know, and getting by. All the pleasure and pain of this – us – has brought me to life. I wouldn’t trade any of it. And as long as you care about me, I’m not giving up on you. Or on us.”
His shoulders began to shake, and he cried in earnest, collapsing against me. I wrapped my arms around the strong body that had held me, and curled up with him, limbs entwined, faces inches apart while he wept.
I have no idea how long we stayed there like that. Only that when Dex finally sat up, my legs and arms ached from being in the same position so long. He gathered me close again and cupped my face in his hands.
“I don’t know how to do this, Becca.”
“Do what?”
“Live a real life. Face my issues. I only know how to hide. But I’ve never been able to hide from you. You see me.”
“I do. Better than you see yourself. You’re not weak, Dex. You’re scared. But I know you can get through this. Get better.”
“See, that’s what scares me. The faith you have in me. I can’t stand to think about disappointing you. Hurting you.”
“You’ve already done both. But I’m still here. Shit, Dex. We’re both a mess of bad histories and unsure futures. I don’t know if that’s something we can ever overcome completely. But I do know my life is better with you in it. And I know I’m willing to try, if you are.”
“I am. I think. It’s just…”
“Tell me.”
“When we first got together, it felt like magic. Like I could be that guy, the one you see. But before long I was fucking up again. And that look on your face. It killed me. And so I just fucked up more. It’s all I know how to do.”
“No it isn’t. You know how to be kind, and sweet and make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Those are superpowers, Dex. Not traits of a fuck-up.”
“But what if I fail? What if I bollocks it all up again?”
“Then we’ll fight. Yell, maybe not talk for a few days. But as long as we’re both alive there’s a chance to make it right.”
He nodded. “Damn, you’re really smart.”
“I know. So listen to me, okay?”
“Okay.”
I kissed his cheek and gripped one of his big hands between mine. “When I took this job, I was just hoping to work. Make some money and get back into the business that’s in my blood. I know you understand that. But touring with you guys, and falling in love with you changed all that. Just doing the job isn’t enough for me anymore. I don’t need everything to be orderly and on schedule. There are more important things than that.”
“Like what?”
“Like waking up next to you. The way your mouth feels against mine. How romantic it was to look out over all of Paris with you. How ridiculous that fancy dinner was. Every adventure I have, whether it is sitting at a café with Liss or meeting strangers on the street or just ordering room service with you.
“All of my lists are fine for work. But life isn’t pages of things to check off. It’s every experience, good and bad. Everything that brought us to this moment right here and everything we do after.”
“What will that be?”
“I have no idea. But I know I want to find out with you by my side.”
“That does sound good.”
“I think so.”
“How did I get so lucky that you came into my life?”
“I wonder the same thing about you every day. Even when I want to strangle you.”
“You’re an angel, Becca.”
“No, I’m not. I’m a self-conscious weirdo with giant thighs and a tendency towards being anal-retentive.”
“I like your thighs.”
“That’s because you’re insane.”
Dex laughed, and his smile stretched wide across his face.
“Feeling better?”
“A bit. But I’m still not sure what to do next. I know I have to deal with stuff and my dad. But I don’t know how. Go back there? Pack up his place? Plan a funeral?”
“Yes, all of those things. But you don’t have to do them alone.”
“Aunt Karen is a nice lady, but I barely know her.”
“I’m talking about me.”
“No, I can’t ask that of you.”
“What part of ‘in this together’ did you not understand?”
“But, in order to do all of this, I have to leave the tour. Probably miss the rest of the dates over here.”
“I know.”
“But…your job?”
“Right now my job is getting you well. Supporting you through this process, whatever that means.”
“Like a project?”
“No. Like family. You said I was part of the family, so let me be part of the family and help you.”
“But Ryan and the guys…the other cities.”
“Will all understand. It’s all over the news that your father is gone. Besides, there are only three more shows. You’ve gone one man down because of illness before. This is no different.”
“So we have time.”
“Yes.”
“It’s kind of scary, this doing the right thing business.”
I smiled. “I know. But nothing’s so bad we can’t beat it. Not your demons. Not the weather in Scotland. Or Ryan and Rick. Nothing.”
Dex kissed me lightly and then rolled us over so he was on top of me. “Can we stop talking now?”
I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Yes, please.”
He bent his head to my neck and kissed it tenderly before pulling back long enough to slide down my body a little. Pushing my shirt up, he planted another kiss on my bellybutton and then moved back towards my breasts. Cupping them in his hands, he bent to run his tongue along the edge of my bra, where satin met skin.
I shuddered and hooked my legs around his, pressing us closer together.
Dex chuckled, a low masculine sound, and flicked the clasp to release my breasts. Chest heaving, I shut my eyes. He sucked one pebbled tip into his mouth, taking long, slow draws that I could feel from the tip of my toes to the top of my head.
Not content to only drive me half mad, he reached between us and pushed his hand down between my legs. Even with the denim of my jeans between my damp flesh and his gifted fingers, I arched my back from the pleasure, spurring him on faster.
Dex took the hint, wordlessly doing exactly what I need
ed. In life he might be a mess, but in bed he was sure and perfect.
But as his fingers worked to open my jeans, I stopped him. “Let’s take this slow, okay?”
He nodded and sat back on his heels, lifting the t-shirt over his head and throwing it far away. His eyes glittered with desire as I saw up and took my shirt off too, dropping my bra onto the floor.
Dex got off me long enough to help pull down my pants and underwear before getting himself naked too.
Not long ago I would have been embarrassed, or at least a bit shy for him to see me completely naked in the light of the room, but that meant nothing anymore. Dex had seen into my soul, and let me see his. A flabby tummy and cellulite were inconsequential in the face of that depth of connection.
Besides, the look on his face as his gaze caressed every inch of me was intoxicating. He didn’t see the flaws I did. Well, he saw the same parts, but instead of thinking them as imperfections, he adored them.
As if confirming that fact, he ran long fingers up from my ankle, sliding over my calf and knee, skimming and squeezing my thighs lightly, reverently. I sighed and lay back, spreading myself open for him with complete trust.
“What happened to slow?”
“There’s slow and there’s teasing. Don’t tease me.”
He laughed and pulled me up to a sitting position. “Nope. You said slow, you’re getting slow.”
I flashed a fake frown that turned to a very real smile when he buried his hands in my hair and pulled me in for a kiss. It was warm and sweet, deep and soulful. The softness of his lips and smooth slide of his tongue entranced me and all I could do was try to keep up. Dex was master of my body, every response and reaction, and I loved it.
But when I felt the brush of his erection, I realized slow wasn’t going to cut it. So, with a devilish grin, I pushed him back so our positions were reversed, and settled myself between his legs. The muscles in his thighs tightened as my hair brushed them. I exhaled, blowing a puff of air across the wide tip of his member and watched it lengthen before my eyes.
I wrapped my fingers around the base and took the dusky head into my mouth.
Dex made a tight hissing sound that made me smile. He wasn’t the only one who could tease.
With slow, lazy rolls of my tongue and gentle suction, I pleasured him, using the sounds he made, and ways his body reacted to guide me. Having him prone beneath me, leaving the care of his most intimate flesh entirely to me felt powerful, and I relished it.
But eventually, after a long time, he’d had enough. Dex grabbed my arms and scooted away. “I need you,” he said. And in those three words I heard a world of things. The physical, the sexual, the emotional.
“Yes.”
He grabbed a condom and rolled it down the thick column of flesh before lifting me above him.
“Like this?” I asked. “I’ll smoosh you.”
“Shut up, Becca.”
I shut up. Not because he told me to, but because when the tip of him brushed my core I couldn’t remember how to think, let alone speak. He pulled my hips down, sliding deep inside me, filling me. The tight fit was slicked by my arousal and I groaned ecstatically.
“Look at me,” Dex ordered, and I did. Our eyes locked together as he began to move, guiding my body in time with his, slowly, gently, deliciously. And when he was all the way inside, and our bodies were joined completely, I placed my hands on the flat muscles of his chest, smiled, and let my hair fall forward into his face.
Dex chuckled and I felt it through our connected flesh. I braced myself on my hands and lifted up, before crashing back down again, taking my own breath away. It was intense and ridiculously erotic.
I repeated the maneuver and Dex flexed his hips to drive deeper, eliciting a tiny scream from me. He reached up and took one of my nipples between two fingers, tweaking the tender skin, heightening my pleasure even more.
Then, just as I felt the stirring in me that signaled an impending climax, he managed to grip me tight and flip us back, so I was beneath him now.
I gasped and he thrust again, the new angle sending me rocketing away. As I rode the waves of my orgasm, he never stopped, plunging in again and again, grinding against me, extending my climax forever, or so it felt.
And when he finally reached his own peak, our gazes locked on each other again, I knew once and for all that everything we’d been through together was worth it. He was still damaged and I was still troubled, but the connect we shared, that blossomed into love, was strong enough to make it through. I believed that with all of my heart, and couldn’t have conjured up a doubt if I wanted to.
But wrapped in his strong arms, knowing that we would always have our struggles, I realized being there for each other made us both better. It’s safe to fall apart when there’s someone there to put you back together again. It was a luxury neither of us had grown up with, but a necessity I knew we could become accustomed to.
Chapter Nine
Four weeks later
“Dex, get in here. You’re going to miss the call.”
There was a crash and then a string of muttered curses before he appeared; holding what looked like the remnants of a broken vase.
I shook my head. “Another one?”
“I think this is the last one, small saving grace.”
“Put it down and come over here. Everyone’s waiting.”
He placed the jagged shards carefully on a box, which amused me. He’s managed to destroy every delicate thing in the apartment, but was now learning to be careful. For someone who could play a bass, and a woman’s body with incredible dexterity, when it came to packing up his father’s things, he was useless. Some of it was the fact that he hadn’t had more than a single glass of wine with dinner since we got to Bristol, but I couldn’t help but wonder if there was some other unconscious psychological reason for his recent butter-fingers status.
Before I could think about it too much, the screen on my tablet flashed and then changed. From what I could see the conference room was full. Mostly suits, square guys who’d probably never seen a rock concert. But there, at the end of the table, looking bored was the rest of the band. It was good to see their faces somewhere other than the television and gossip magazines.
“Hullo all,” Dex said chirpily. He knew the label was worried, and for some reason decided that talking like he’d become a Stepford bass player was the solution.
“Dex, thanks for taking time to make this call,” Ryan said. “We know you are Rebecca are still settling your father’s affairs.”
That much was true. What they didn’t know is we’d just returned to Bristol after spending ten days camping. With no distractions or temptations, it was the perfect place to hide after the funeral. No reporters’ questions or festive pubs to lure him.
But no one else needed to know that and we both just nodded.
“Great,” Ryan continued. “Now that we’re all here, I’ll turn this over to Frank.”
One of the suits smiled and stood up. I could see Rick sneering behind him.
“Hey gang,” the man said lamely. “So glad to get everyone together for a chance to chat. As you know, since I was put in charge of this management team, I’ve been developing a three year plan to make Dream Defiled not just the talented group of guys you are, but to secure your place in music history. We’re firing on all cylinders over here, teams working around the clock.”
I struggled to keep from giggling at his long series of clichés, leaning away from the webcam.
“We all know striking while the iron is hot has to be our top priority. Because of that, we’re moving some scheduled items around. Instead of sending you all into the studio for the rest of the year, we’re moving up the next tour.
“But this won’t be the seedy club spots I know you all adore. We’re going arena this time. Ten thousand seats. Thirty cities. Then, we’ll release a live album and concert film on DVD and streaming to capitalize on the success of the tour. By the time the next album of new mater
ial comes out, you boys will be millionaires and Dream Defiled will be a household name.
“Questions, anyone?”
Dex and I just sat there, mouths hanging open. But, ever the front man, Joe managed to form words. “That all sounds great, but are we really ready to headline something like that?”
“Excellent question, Mr. Hawk. The answer is yes. With the plan we’ve got cooking, every show will sell out.”
“How?”
“Easy, we’re sending you out with two other amazing acts. The first Playology, I think you’ve done shows with them before.”
Joe nodded. “Yeah, a big festival this spring.”
“Great. Their album is doing well too, and you’ll rise together.”
“Uh-huh. But that still-”
“I wasn’t finished. Your tour will also feature the first solo performances of Julia Connor since she was a tiny thing playing state fairs.”
Julia Connor. She was some kid television actor slash singer slash dancer or something. I vaguely recalled seeing her mentioned in an email, and had looked her up. She’d spent her teen years, post TV in a girl group that was really popular in Eastern Europe, but hadn’t made much of an impact in the States. It seemed like a weird fit for the boys, but I trusted that the label guys knew what they were doing. She was certainly famous enough to fill stadiums. Online I’d been able to track almost every move the girl made from birth. Three years after she’d left the public eye, she still hand hundreds of active fan sites, and a lawsuit pending against some scumbag who stole one of those cherry-pickers the phone company uses, in order to take pictures of her bedroom. If that was the level of fame Dex and the others were headed towards, I wasn’t sure it would be a good thing at all.
But then I looked over at him. He was ignoring the meeting and watching me. He grasped my hand and bumped his leg against mine. I relaxed a bit, thinking about all of the wonderful times we’d shared.
Like I’d told him in our darkest hour, we were strong enough to make it through anything. Life, sex, work, death, demons. Fame didn’t stand a chance at getting between us.