Back to Life

by Danielle Allen

  Ty took a deep breath before he opened his eyes. Smiling his sexy smile, he stared at me. He licked his lips. “Sahara,” he moaned as he planted an entirely too swift kiss on my lips. “I will see you tonight.” It wasn’t a question, it was a demand.

  Overwhelmed by the rush of emotions, I could only nod compliantly before my voice returned. I breathed, “Yes.”

  After getting safely inside, I locked the door behind me and dropped to my knees. I’d never been kissed like that before. I’d never been turned on like that before. I’d never experienced anything like that before in my entire life. Something had awakened in me… Something that died a long time ago. I felt the warring emotions as my inner dialogue reminded me of why I shouldn’t pursue this and why I didn’t deserve it and how I’d ruin him. But my brokenness shattered further at the thought of turning away from what was happening with Ty.

  It was in that moment that I knew that I was changed. My guilt and my pain would wreck me, but Tyree Barker had changed the status quo of my life. His presence, his touch, his kiss makes me forget any and everything else. So maybe, just maybe, having him in my life would make it easier to get through the hearing, I reasoned with myself as I made my decision. But if I was being completely honest with myself, it was deeper than just getting through the hearing. We both had loved ones who died tragically so he understands me in a way not many people could and we bonded on a level that superseded our physical attraction to one another. Although I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, I knew for a fact that I couldn’t turn away from Tyree Barker.

  Chapter 7

  Tyree Barker: What are you up to?

  Sahara Lee: Listening to music, reading. What are you up to?

  Tyree Barker: Thinking about you.

  Sahara Lee: You may have crossed my mind a time or two :)

  Tyree Barker: Good! How are you?

  Sahara Lee: I’m cool. How are you? How’s work?

  Tyree Barker: It’s going really well. I hold Monday morning finance meetings and tomorrow will be the first for the management staff for Motive and Jimmy’s. So I just needed to come in and get some things together. I should be out of here in about an hour.

  Sahara Lee: Well good! Sounds like you’re being productive.

  Tyree Barker: What are you listening to?

  Sahara Lee: Right now, American Gangster.

  Tyree Barker: Okay, I see you.

  Sahara Lee: :)

  Tyree Barker: Are you hungry?

  Sahara Lee: Yes! I haven’t eaten since The Diner. After I finish this chapter, I was going to start cooking something. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

  Tyree Barker: I would love to. You need me to pick up anything?

  Sahara Lee: Nope, not necessary. But thank you. Just be here at 8 :)

  Tyree Barker: See you soon baby girl

  Hearing the buzzing of the oven, I quickly finished putting my thick hair into a high ponytail. I ran down the steps in my black slippers and grabbed my black, white, and pink checkered apron. After washing my hands, I carefully pulled the seasoned steak kabobs out of the oven. Using leftover steak and peppers, I diced the pieces and prepared steak fried rice. I pulled the freshly prepared Caesar salad from the refrigerator and sat it on the table. I lit the two lilac candles in the kitchen and I checked the time on the microwave: 7:55pm.

  I removed my apron and inspected my white tank top for any food particles. I put my IPod on the docking station and decided to let it shuffle through. When I heard the knock on the door, my heart skipped a beat. Moving as fast as I could without slipping in my slippers, I scurried to the door. I peeked through the peephole and saw Ty standing there with flowers. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves, and I opened the door.

  “Hi!” I exclaimed. So much for playing it cool Sahara, I castigated myself.

  “Hi,” Ty said smoothly. “These are for you.” He held up a beautiful bouquet of flowers. “I hope you are not allergic.”

  “Wow, thank you! They are beautiful and I’m not allergic.” I accepted the flowers and turned to walk toward the kitchen.

  “Smells great in here,” Ty remarked from behind me.

  “Thank you,” I said as I grabbed a vase from the bottom cabinet and filled it with water. “It’s going to taste even better!” I continued confidently as I put the flowers on the kitchen table.

  “I believe it,” Ty said watching me intently. “I’m sorry,” he pronounced, as he walked across the kitchen and stood in front of me. I looked up at him curiously and he leaned down and kissed me. His lips brushed mine softly, gently. And then he pulled away slightly. I opened my eyes and we were staring at each other, motionless. My lips tingled and my eyes dropped down to his lips.

  “I couldn’t go another minute without doing that,” he whispered, brushing his thumb across my full bottom lip.

  Closing my eyes, I drew his face closer to mine and kissed him deeply in response. Once the kiss was over, I opened my eyes and stepped away from him. If I stay pressed up against his body, I will have sex with him and I am NOT ready for that, I thought suddenly. It wasn’t that I couldn’t control my hormones, but something about Tyree Barker made me want to get close—in every sense of the word.

  “Well, it’s definitely time for dinner,” I exhaled. Clearing my throat, I tried to calm myself down by averting my eyes.

  “Let me help you with something,” Ty asked, looking around the kitchen for something to do.

  “Everything already out,” I said with a smile. “Let’s eat!”

  “I’m starving,” he commented as we sat at the table.

  After taking the first bites in silence, we were satiated enough to start a conversation.

  “So, are you seeing anyone?” Ty asked hesitantly. I looked up at him quickly, putting my steak kabob back on my plate.

  “No…” I emphasized slowly, “Are you?”

  A relieved smile broke out on his face, “No. I am interested in someone though.”

  The way his eyes devoured me as he said it, I felt my skin heat instantly. “Is that so?” I asked nonchalantly.

  “Yes. That’s so. And she has great taste in music. And her steak kabobs are delicious.”

  “She sounds like a keeper,” I said with mock seriousness.

  “I plan on keeping her,” Ty’s eyes held mine and my heart started racing.

  A beat passed before I could speak. “Good plan,” I murmured.

  Feeling the stirring deep in my belly, I looked away and took a gulp of water. Calm down! I commanded every nerve in my body. “When’s your birthday?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “July 5th. I’ll be 31. When is yours?” Ty replied.

  “June 10th. I’ll be 29,” I answered.

  “Cool. So what did you get into while I was at work?”

  “Nothing much. Cooked, cleaned, read, and listened to music. I did get an email about Wicked coming this summer though,” I offered with a shrug

  “That’s cool. I think I’ve heard of it. What’s it about?”

  We talked about summer plans. I gave him need to know information about the neighborhood and other Richland fun facts. He told me about Boston and Motive. We laughed and conversation flowed seamlessly. Our topics remained superficial, never delving into anything too deep like we had in The Diner.

  “Tell me something personal about you Sahara Lee.”

  “Uh well, I am a bit of a loner,” I said shyly.

  “I gathered that. Why is that?”

  “I just don’t get very close to people anymore.” I looked down at my salad and moved a crouton across the bowl. We were both quiet for a long time.

  “Who’s Emily?” he asked as he sipped his water. My head snapped up at the mention of her name. I stared across the table wide eyed.

  “Wait, what? What?” I repeated a little too loudly.

  Seeming a little put off by my reaction, Ty hesitated. His hesitation only made me more frantic.

  “Baby girl,” he b
egan, “I just—you’ve told me about different things you’ve done since being in Richland and you’ve always done them alone. But um…when you fell asleep last night, you said the name Emily…”

  “Oh God…” I pushed the last of my food away and put my head in my hands, covering my face.

  “I don’t want to upset you. I’d never want to purposely upset you. I just want—”

  “Please excuse me for a second,” I choked out as I got up from the table and made my way to the blue bathroom, hoping the cold water on my face would calm me down.

  Fifteen minutes passed before I exited the bathroom. The kitchen table was cleaned, the leftovers had been put away, and dishes were in the dishwasher. He left, I thought as my heart fell. You know what… maybe it’s for the best. It hurts but maybe I don’t deserve to feel—I stopped mid thought as the front door opened. Standing in basketball shorts and a white T-shirt, Ty froze upon seeing me.

  “Hi,” he said tentatively, returning my keys to the hall console.

  “Hi,” I whispered, self-consciously. “I thought you left.”

  “Oh, I could leave if you want...” He stood by the console awaiting direction from me.

  “No I don’t want you to leave. I just thought that you did.” I looked everywhere but at him, knowing my inability to hide my emotions from him. I walked to the couch and sat down, pulling my feet under me. I snuck a glance over at Ty. He slowly made his way to the other end of the couch. The silence stretched between us and I knew he was waiting for me to make the first move.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “It’s just hard for me to talk about.”

  “Sahara, look at me,” Ty said quietly. My eyes found his and they reflected the sadness I felt. “If you don’t want to talk about it right now, you don’t have to talk about it right now. But don’t run away. Don’t shut down. I’ve been there and it doesn’t resolve anything.”

  “You don’t understand,” my voice was barely a whisper. He understands my loss but he couldn’t possibly understand how it was all my fault, I thought sadly.

  Ty slid closer to me, “Try me baby girl.” His voice, his presence called to me on a deeper level and I wanted to open up to him. And I never opened up to anyone. But how do I tell someone I have feelings for that I ruin lives? I thought miserably.

  My eyes filled with tears and I fought like hell to keep them from falling. I didn’t say anything so he took my hand into his and continued, “I have a lot of shit in my past so I get it. After my parents died, I was a handful as a kid so my grandfather got me piano lessons. I was even more of a handful as a teenager so my grandfather got me in therapy. But when I went away to college…”

  He shook his head and his mouth twisted into a pained smile. “I always excelled in school, but because it came easy to me, I used to spend my time getting into trouble—usually alcohol related. Finally, when the other shoe dropped, it clicked everything into place. Instead of throwing myself into alcohol, I threw myself into my MBA and then work. So I get that tragic things happen in life and it’s hard to cope. And in my adult life, that’s all I’ve been doing—coping. My grandfather always wanted me to ‘live a little’ and he’d encourage me to have fun and enjoy life. Usually I tried to do whatever it was he wanted me to do to appease him. But I never felt anything but the drive to do better. All the shit I’d been through messed me up and my grandfather told me I was using work as a crutch and he was right. My entire adult life has always been all about my career. I’d never had a reason to want more than just career success. Until I met you yesterday and…” My chest heaved as my breathing became more ragged. It became that much harder to prevent the tears from coming.

  He laughed a little, “It’s crazy that we just met yesterday and we already have this crazy connection.”

  He gave me a shy smile and continued “I understand where you’re coming from. I get you. I may not know specifics, but I know something is haunting you. I get that. I just want you to know that when you’re ready, you do have someone to talk to. I’m not going anywhere.” He leaned over and kissed my hand and then sat back on the couch, still holding my hand.

  I was overwhelmed by the amount of information I’d just learned about the beautiful man sitting in front of me. He just shared his thoughts and feelings, unprovoked, in order to make me more comfortable to do the same. Wow…wow…wow, I thought repeatedly as I wiped the tears from my face. I wish I could tell him but I can’t. I’m not ready to actually say the words. And I’m not ready to for him to see that side of me, I admitted guiltily.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I said honestly as I looked at our intertwined fingers.

  “That’s my whole point. You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready,” he reassured me.

  I want to tell him everything. Just not yet. I’ve never told anyone everything and I don’t know if I can even say it, let alone take his reaction, I thought sadly, making fresh tears well up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and I turned all the way around on the couch to face him directly. But there’s one thing I can be honest about.

  “I’m a loner by choice. I don’t make connections,” I paused, shifting my eyes from his face to our hands. “But I wasn’t always like this. Something happened a long time ago that changed me. I don’t—I’m not ready to talk about that yet.”

  Taking a moment to gather my courage, I continued, looking him in his eyes, “My point is that I haven’t allowed anyone in in a really long time. And somehow, out of nowhere, you came along and you hit me here,” I said placing my hand over my chest. I wiped a tear away and laughed, “I’m not one of those sappy girls who believes every guy she meets is her soul mate or that it was fate that brought them together. Truly I’m not. But then I met you…and I don’t know.”

  I smiled, “You make me feel...different. You make me want to open up. And in ten years, no one has ever made me want to open up or be vulnerable. You are the only exception. That’s what I meant by you being a game changer. I just—I don’t know how to explain it. And the more I talk, the more I’m afraid I’m going to sound out of my mind. So let me just conclude by saying, all I know is that when I’m with you, things don’t seem as dark.”

  Ty’s chestnut brown eyes lit up as I confirmed that he wasn’t alone in his feelings. His smile was contagious and we sat there gazing at each other while “Believe” played around us. This is the perfect soundtrack for this moment because Ty is definitely not like most men , I thought as he leaned in and gave me a lingering kiss. My body’s reaction to his touch, his kiss, and his words culminated into a sexually charged buzz that coursed through my body.

  Before the kiss had a chance to continue, Biggie thumped through the speakers. Instantly, I remembered that I put the IPod on random shuffle.

  “How did the playlist go from soft and sweet to hood without any warning whatsoever?” Ty laughed. I laughed so hard, I fell back on the couch. Catching my breath, I looked up and Ty was looking at me with a sexy smile. “I love to see you laugh.”

  For the second time in a few minutes, I was caught off guard by both his words and my physical reaction to his words. I just stared back at him with genuine affection and a little lust.

  He pulled me back into a seated position and tucked me under his arm, my head rested on his chest. “It’s getting late,” he said softly. I looked at the clock and it was almost 11pm.

  “Oh wow… I didn’t realize it had gotten so late,” I acknowledged. “Oh and you have your meeting in the morning!” But I’m really not ready for him to go yet, I thought selfishly.

  He rubbed his hand up and down my arm slowly and cleared his throat. “I’m not ready to leave you yet,” Ty whispered against my hair, reading my thoughts.

  “I’m not ready either, but you have your meeting,” I halfheartedly pointed out. Why can’t I just ask him to stay? I thought, frustrated with myself.

  Ty kissed my head again and remained quiet for a minute. “I don’t want you to take thi
s the wrong way,” he began hesitantly. I tensed as he continued, “But I would like to stay here with you tonight. Like I told you last night, it’s not a ploy to get in your pants. I just want to be here for you. I’ll stay on the couch, if necessary.”

  I lifted my head from his body and studied his face. I believed every word he said. I leaned in and kissed him gently. “That’s not necessary,” I responded. Standing, I turned back to him and grabbed his hand, “Let’s go to bed.”

  While he sat on the edge of the bed and turned on the TV, I went to the bathroom to change. After putting on pink yoga pants and brushing my teeth, I leaned against the sink and looked at my reflection. I’m a good judge of character and Tyree Barker is a good guy. I can feel that instinctively. And just because I want to sleep with him and he’s going to be in my bed all night doesn’t mean I should sleep with him. I mean, I’ve only known him 2 days. I should wait to get to know him better. Right? Yes. Of course. I should, I can, and I will wait. Even though I really don’t want to wait, I’ll wait anyway! If I have sex with Ty, there would be no turning back and things are already moving fast. I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with everything that comes with deepening feelings. I haven’t felt this strongly for a man since Eman—I haven’t felt this strongly for a man in a long time. I want to take my time with this amazing, sexy, kind, talented man. Okay waiting it is, I decided as I concluded my pep talk.

  I walked out of the bathroom and my jaw dropped. With his back toward me, Ty stood shirtless with basketball shorts hanging low. His back muscles were deeply defined and showcased that fact with every move that he made. I climbed into bed and he turned around after I pulled the covers up around me. It was then that I realized that he wasn’t really into the sitcom that was on; he was being respectful by turning away until I was covered up with the comforter. I smiled at him.