I scanned the room and found him in seconds. As I watched him talking to an older gentleman, I noticed a woman dressed in all white walk up to them. She greeted them both, but left her arm resting on Ty’s bicep for a little too long. Admittedly, she was beautiful: glowing, brown skin, full, dark wavy hair, long legs, straight white teeth that I could see from across the room. She looked like an Egyptian model. And I smiled when he stepped away allowing her hand to fall off of his arm. She said a few more words to them and then headed to the bar. My smile only intensified.
“Do you think that is his wife?” woman Number 1 asked. Um, no bitch, I thought as my smile dropped in irritation at these two women plotting on my man.
“No Shay, he doesn’t have a ring on. Always look for the ring, girl! But if that’s his girlfriend, I think I found my in. Did you see the way he side stepped her? Must be trouble in paradise!” chuckled The Blonde. Shay and The Blonde laughed so hard they started drawing attention to themselves.
Ty and the man I would presume to be Frank looked over in the general direction of the Love exhibit. Shay and The Blonde straightened up and bustled with excitement as Ty and Frank made their way to the exhibit. As Ty got closer, The Blonde not-so-discretely adjusted her perky breasts and poked out her booty. She is officially doing the most right now, I thought as I shook my head.
Ty and Frank gave the ladies a polite smile as they walked around them and to me. Ty slipped his arm around my waist and introduced me to his business partner. I glanced at The Blonde and raised an eyebrow before shaking Frank’s hand.
“Hello Sahara! Beautiful name!” Frank said in a gruff voice.
“Thank you Frank. It’s very nice to meet you,” I said sweetly.
“Frank and my grandfather grew up together. He helped me with the photos at Jimmy’s.” Ty said with a smile.
“Oh I love those!” I said excitedly. “You are a very talented man.”
“I like her. She’s a keeper, Tyree,” Frank said with a wink. “I need to go mingle. Call me sometime Tyree. I’ll be in Baltimore for the next few months and then I’m going to New York for a while.”
“I will, Frank, I will,” Ty said and shook his hand. Frank gave me a hug and went to mingle.
Ty wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “You are so beautiful baby girl. Let’s get through the rest of the exhibit so I can get you home.” We walked hand in hand through the exhibits. All of them were nice but none as striking as the Love exhibit. At the end of the night, as we walked toward the door, the flirtatious woman in white smiled brightly at us as she gave a gift bag to Ty only. He made a face and handed his bag to me. Once we got out of the door, I laughed to myself.
“What’s so funny baby girl?” Ty asked with a smile as he guided me toward the car with his hand on the small of my back.
“Women,” I laughed as I poked him in his side.
Walking into my loft, I slipped out of my shoes. Ty followed close behind. I headed straight upstairs to change; Ty went to the living room.
“Tonight was awesome!” I called to him from upstairs. I grabbed my slippers and put my shoes back in the closet. I looked in the mirror to ensure that I still looked confident and slowly descended the steps.
“I’m glad you had a good time, baby girl. So did I,” he said as he watched me from his position on the couch. I felt him undressing me. I should’ve kept on the heels, I thought with a smile before quickly dismissing it. Now is the time for talking, not mind blowing sex! Ugh, the talk! I wonder if he even remembers.
“You want something while I’m up?” I asked nervously. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. “You want one?”
“Yes please,” he responded, his eyes still trained on me.
I took my time walking to the living room. I handed him his bottle and I took a gulp of mine before I set it down on the coffee table. I went to my IPod docking station and hit play on my Slow Jam playlist. This conversation was going to need some music to soften the blow of whatever inevitable damage will be done. I took a deep breath…and then another before I turned around. Ty had removed his jacket and was sitting at the edge of the couch with his elbows resting off of his thighs and his hands clasped in front of his chin. He must not have forgotten that I said I wanted to talk, I thought as I took a seat next to him.
“What’s on your mind baby girl?” he questioned with a hint of uneasiness in his voice.
“Well… I, um, I want to…um, talk to you about my past,” I stammered. Taking a deep breath, I rushed through the sentence again, “I want to tell you about my past. I don’t want you to interrupt or I might not get through it. I’m going to tell you as much as I can.”
Ty smiled gently and nodded. He took my hand in his, not saying anything. The gesture relaxed me a bit and I felt able to proceed. “This is hard for me to say, but I feel compelled to tell you. And I don’t ever feel compelled to tell anyone anything. But with you it’s different.”
He squeezed my hand and lifted it to his lips to kiss it, communicating his feelings without words. His eyes held mine as I quietly confessed, “It’s been a long time since my heart has felt as full as you’ve made mine feel the last couple of weeks. I can honestly tell you that this has been the best two weeks of my life. You are perfect. You are absolutely perfect. But I know I don’t deserve you. I’ll ruin you like I ruined the lives of everyone else I’ve ever loved.” My eyes watered and I fought to keep the tears at bay.
Pausing to take a sip of water, I continued, “At the exact same time, I know that more than anything, I don’t want to lose you. And I don’t want our relationship to go any further until I’m able to share this part of me with you.” My eyes filled with tears and I glanced down at our hands. He was still rubbing my hand with the pad of his thumb.
Taking a deep breath I decided to lay my feelings out on the table first, “A quote that has always stood out to me is ‘Art and love—the only two things that can bring you back to life.’ I don’t deserve love because I ruin love, so I threw myself into art and made that my love substitute. I never had the desire to get close to anyone after everything I’d been through. So for almost ten years, I’ve had polite, superficial relationships with people. Right after everything happened, I promised I’d never allow myself to care about anyone because I didn’t want to ruin them. And then I realized I stopped knowing how to care about people at all. I became cold and standoffish really quickly. But when we met, you awakened something in me. Something I thought had died,” I said.
I took a ragged breath and confessed, “I didn’t mean to fall for you. That was never my intention. With everyone else, for years, I was in control. With you, I had no control over anything. I didn’t think, I just felt. And you made me happy and I forgot what happy even felt like until you appeared. And… I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you that before I tell you…everything else,” I shuddered with uneasiness because I didn’t know what was going to happen after I confessed.
Taking another sip of water and drying my eyes, I braced myself for the fallout. “My mother died while giving birth to me. I’m the reason she’s dead,” I said sadly.
I looked up at him and Ty appeared to be fighting the urge to say something. But I didn’t want him to say anything so I hurried to finish, “And although that’s sad, I moved passed that. My dad was the best father. He took such good care of me. We were a team. And I know he didn’t blame me, but a small part of me thought that if I hadn’t been born, his soul mate would still be alive. He never really got over my mother’s death. He loved her fiercely and never remarried. He dated some here and there but he never even bothered to remove his wedding ring. He never blamed me for her death but I know he missed her every day. Every single day.” My voice broke, but I was determined to let it all out. I needed him to know the risk. I needed him to know everything.
Ty opened his mouth but I shook my head. “No, I’m not done. It gets worse. Please let me finish. I just need to finish,” I cried. He kissed me on
my head and nodded again.
“Freshman year, I talked my best friend…Emily,” I sniffled. Pulling me into a hug, I cried on Ty’s shoulder for a few minutes before I pushed away gently and wiped my face dry. We were sitting closer after the hug and he held one of my hands and stroked my arm with his free hand. I attempted to start the story over again.
“Freshman year, I wanted to go to this party. Biggest party of the year. We had just finished finals…and um, Emily didn’t want to go. She didn’t feel well, but I kept pushing. Even though I knew she had a big recital the next day. I kept pushing and she caved because, well, we were like sisters. Her mom was like my mom. Her dad was like my cool uncle. Her brother…” I gasped for air. Feeling as though a panic attack was coming, I did my breathing exercises while Ty whispered that I would be okay.
“Em and I ended up getting drunk. So we called Emanuel, Emily’s brother to give us a ride back to the dorm. He picked us up and we were on our way. We were so close. We were at the stop sign before the dorm, Ty. We were right there. But a truck came out of nowhere. And he was speeding. And he was…drunk…and he didn’t stop. He slammed into the back of us. And we careened into oncoming traffic. Campus police…they didn’t have enough time to stop,” I paused for a long time, holding my breath to try and stop the outburst that bubbled underneath the surface.
“If I didn’t want to go out that night everyone would be okay,” I croaked out in a barely audible whisper. Unable to contain it any longer, I sobbed loudly into my hands with my head resting on his chest.
After calming me down from a sob to a silent cry, he asked gently, “Is that why you got upset that night when I asked you about Emily?”
“Yes. It hurts to think about how I ruined her life. Our relationship didn’t survive that night. I moved away after the accident and changed my number. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want people to say it wasn’t my fault because I knew in my heart that it was. But more than that, I didn’t want Emily to say it was my fault, because even though I knew that it was, hearing her blame me for ruining her life would kill me.”
Getting increasingly upset, I started to ramble. “We would talk via email once every week or two. But I told her that I would disappear completely if she didn’t stop trying to talk to me about that night. So she stopped and we kept in touch. We still talk via email weekly but we only discuss her life. I just always want to know that she’s okay. And that her… family is okay,” my voice broke off and a sob rattled my body. I concentrated on Ty’s hand rubbing up and down my arm and the music filling my ears before I could begin again.
Focus Sahara, focus I coaxed myself so that I could get all of the information out. “We were hit on the left side of the car so Emily and Emanuel absorbed most of the impact,” I muttered quietly.
Fresh tears formed and I closed my eyes tightly. I could still see Ty’s face with my eyes closed so I focused on that image to get the strength to continue. “Emily was a dancer and she was great at it,” I said reflectively. She double majored in education and dance. She wanted something to fall back on just in case. Dance was her passion. And Emanuel…,” I sniffled, “Emanuel was a basketball player. He was really good. He was going to Italy to play for a year.” I paused for a long time.
I felt Ty’s fingers wipe away the tears on my cheeks. I couldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move. I just cried silently for a few minutes before I told Ty, “Both of Emily’s legs were shattered upon impact. She never…she couldn’t dance anymore. The one thing she loved most and I took that away from her. I did that to her. And Emanuel…” my whole body shook, “Emanuel broke his left leg, left arm and had swelling in his brain from hitting the windshield. He um, he never made it to Italy. He—all he ever wanted was to play basketball for a living. And I ruined that for him. I woke him from his sleep to come pick us up. I begged her to come when she didn’t want to. I ruined their lives Ty.”
I cried so hard that I had to stop again to catch my breath. There’s no stopping now. You can do this Sahara, just say it. You think it all the time, just say it, I willed myself. I could barely speak because my throat was so raw. I lifted my head and looked at Ty, immediately wishing I hadn’t. Ty looked at me with so much sadness that it gripped my heart. I took a deep breath and knew this was the hardest part to disclose.
Breathing erratically, I finished, “Emanuel’s SUV was hit by Campus Police responding to a call. The officer—the officer driving died immediately and his partner died the next day.”
I sobbed so violently that Ty forced me to stop talking. He wrapped his arms around my arms so that they were pinned to my sides and he pressed his cheek against my mouth.
“It’s okay Sahara. I got you, baby girl. It’s over now. You don’t have to say anymore. I hate seeing you like this,” he said as he rocked me.
When my breathing regulated and I wasn’t shaking as severely, Ty loosened his grip on me and I revealed, “The officer who died that night was my father.”
Chapter 11
Saying it aloud was every bit as painful as I imagined it would be. I was sobbing so hard that I didn’t realize initially that Ty had picked me up and was carrying me to the bedroom. “I killed my mother, my father, Emily’s passion, Emanuel’s dream, and the Mills family’s sense of security,” I wailed guiltily as he sat me on the bed. “And I was released from the hospital the next day with minor injuries. I ruined their lives and I walked away with minor injuries.”
Ty squatted down in front of me so that we were eye level. “Baby girl, I wish I could take the pain from you. You’ve been punishing yourself all this time. It wasn’t your fault,” he implored.
I covered my face with my hands and continued to cry. I heard one of my drawers opening and closing. I heard the water running in the bathroom and then I felt him in front of me again. Ty pulled me up and uncovered my face. He wiped my face with a warm wash cloth and then put it on the night stand.
“I’m going to undress you now,” he informed me before he carefully pulled my dress up over my body, exposing my pink lace boy-shorts style panties and matching strapless bra. I was too numb to realize this was the first time Ty had seen me so exposed—both emotionally and physically. He tossed my dress over the hamper near the bathroom door. He reached around me to grab the white T-shirt he had gotten from one of my drawers and put on the bed. Cautiously, he put the T-shirt on me, barely making contact with my body as he pulled the shirt down.
“Step in,” he commanded. I looked down and he was squatting again with a pair of pink yoga pants. He helped me step into the yoga pants and pulled them up over my hips. And then he hugged me, long and hard.
Pulling back the covers, he tucked me into bed. I heard him fiddle with my phone before my Goodnight playlist started up. He kissed my forehead and cut off the light. Letting the dark settle over me, I cried even harder until I passed out.
I woke up around 6:30 Saturday morning alone in bed with a massive headache. ‘My Immortal’ played ominously as I realized I was in bed alone. Trying not to jump to any conclusions, I remained in bed and tried to get lost in the song. After listening for a few minutes, I was crushed by the lyrics because they were hitting too close to home. I cut my phone off and I headed to the shower. As I took off my clothes, I suddenly remembered that Ty undressed me and put me to bed. I couldn’t remember if he got in bed with me. I couldn’t remember anything but the crushing pain of verbalizing what had been haunting me for years. My head throbbed as a reminder of how hard I cried. My throat ached from the awful guttural sounds that escaped my mouth. That couldn’t have been pretty for him to see, I thought as I imagined what I looked like last night.
I let the scalding water wash away the vulnerability I allowed myself to show and the tears that formed thinking about Ty’s absence. Once I stepped out of the shower, I had to fight the urge to cry again. But for the first time, it was about something other than what happened ten years ago. I knew in my gut that last night changed thin
gs between me and Ty. I walked into the bedroom and I listened for any sounds in the loft. There was nothing. I can’t stay in here right now. It’s too much, I thought sadly.
Pulling myself together, I put on black jeans and a green and black flannel shirt. Wrapping a wide leather belt around my waist, over my shirt, I completed the look. I didn’t have the energy to do my makeup so I just grabbed my oversized sunglasses and pulled my hair back with a black headband. Throwing some work into my laptop bag, I decided to knock out the report I needed to give to Deborah on Monday. And I know the perfect place to get it done, I said as I left the loft. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help it, I went to Ty’s door. I didn’t knock; I just listened to see if I could hear any movement. I couldn’t, so I quickly turned on my heel and scurried toward the elevator.
At almost 7:30 on Saturday morning, the streets of Richland were pretty quiet. I took my time and made my way to the coffee shop. Walking in the door, I smelled the strong scent of coffee and the light classical music floating through the air. Not bothering to take my sunglasses off, I ordered a large salted caramel cappuccino. I looked around the cozy coffee shop and didn’t see any other customers. Perfect, I thought as I eyed a table in the corner.
I tipped the cashier and grabbed my cappuccino. I set up my laptop and spread out my work. This is more like it, I thought as I began preparing the new policy. For almost ten years, working had been the one thing that I could count on. It was straight forward. I’ve always had the ability to completely throw myself into a project because I never let in any distractions. Until now, I thought as I stopped for the 2nd time to stare despondently out of the window, thinking about Ty. Get it together Sahara! I shook my head and looked around the coffee shop. Surprisingly, quite a few people had entered the building. The bustling coffee shop wasn’t loud as I could still hear the classical music through the speakers. But compared to when I walked in, it was startling.
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