Sadness flashed in her eyes before she gave me a small smile and started, “Well how about we take turns telling each other stuff. There’s a lot I don’t know about your life Sahara. I know you ditched med-school and opted for human resources because you told me. But I only know you live in a kickass building because I Googled it when you sent me your new address. You told me you worked at Milton Security but I had to go to the website to see that you recently were promoted to Director. That’s awesome by the way.”
I smiled in response, “Thanks Emily.” Guilt threatened to swallow me whole. I gulped.
“But aside from the typical ‘I’m doing fine’ response, I don’t really know what’s up with you. So we will take turns,” Emily ended her statement with conviction.
“Okay,” I agreed quietly. What could I possibly say to dispute that? I thought, ashamed of myself. I blinked back the tears and I unconsciously started rubbing my hands together nervously.
“Sahara, I won’t bring up anything that happened in 2003 until you’re ready. I swear.” Her voice sounded sad yet understanding. After having her word, I felt more comfortable in participating in the conversation.
“Okay,” I smiled shyly, “you first.”
“Okay, well I’ve been really busy with the planning and financing portion of everything but the news I wanted to tell you in person is…I’m opening a dance studio!” Emily burst with pride and excitement.
“That’s amazing! You’ve always wanted to do that!” My happiness for her evident by the grin that adorned my face.
“Yes girl! It took a while, but I was finally able to do it. I had to find the right place and come up with the rest of the money. Right now, my plan is to continue to stay on contract at Thomasville Elementary—I’m scheduled to teach 5th grade next school year. If I stay with the elementary school at least through the first year of the studio opening, I can keep a steady stream of income coming in.”
“That’s a good plan. Wow, this is all so great Emily! I’m so proud of you.” I wanted to ask her if she still danced, but hearing her say no would break my already fragile heart, I thought.
“Okay your turn!”
“I don’t really know,” I said animatedly, looking around the room. “Ummm…I saw Jay-Z in concert three times since… since I last saw you.” It’s harder than I thought to talk freely without grazing over that night, I thought.
Emily laughed, “Shut up!!! We said we were going to go when…” Her laughter died. “Well how about the next time he’s in one of our areas, we go see him together.”
I nodded in response and we sat their quietly. Feeling the air in the room become stuffier, I avoided eye contact.
Breaking the silent moment, Emily asked, “Where’s Manny?”
“I don’t know. He said he was going for a drive. He didn’t say whether he’d be back or not.”
“Sorry I couldn’t pick you up! I wanted to be there, but I had an inspection that I forgot all about,” she rolled her eyes.
“No, it’s fine. It was good to see Emanuel. It’s been a long time,” my voice trailed off as I realized I kept going back to where I didn’t want to go. Is that a sign that I need to talk to her about that night? I questioned myself.
She giggled, “I’m sure he was really happy about seeing you too.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked as I playfully slapped her knee, effectively ignoring the sign to talk about that night. Should I tell Emily about Emanuel’s kiss? I supposed.
“I always said you and Manny were meant to be,” Emily sang. We fell into a fit of giggles like we were back in middle school.
“I don’t know about that,” I said with a large smile plastered on my face.
“Mmm hmm,” Emily smirked knowingly. “I have a sixth sense about these things. Grandma Mills thinks so too. Oh I talked to her this morning, she said hi!”
“Awww I love her. Emanuel and I were just talking about her when he brought me here.” I gestured to the chair in the corner. “That chair has her name written all over it.”
“She wanted to come up to visit, but we couldn’t arrange it because of the weather down there. When I told her we were having brunch, she was definitely disappointed. Oh! Mom and Dad wanted us to come to brunch tomorrow. Are you, are you okay with that?”
I nodded in response so she continued, “If they would’ve had it their way, they would’ve been here tonight. But I told them you’d probably be tired and that I wanted to have girl time before bed.”
My heart started thundering in my chest. Brunch will the entire Mills family?! I panicked. Swallowing hard, I choked out, “Of course. It’ll be good to see them.” I paused for a second and added, “Will Emanuel be there?”
A knowing smile crossed Emily’s lips, “Oh if you’re there, he’s there.” I playfully swatted her again and she laughed. “But really, I think—well we’ll talk about it when you’re ready.”
“What?” I asked curiously.
“If you don’t want to talk about certain things now, I’ll tell you later. I won’t forget.” She gave me a smile that made me sad. I pulled her to me and hugged her tightly.
“Thank you,” I said thickly. I hope she knows I’m not just talking about what she just said, I thought as I released her from the hug.
“You’re my best friend. I would do anything for you.”
Of course, she knows. She always knew, I thought to myself. “I know I wasn’t a good friend to you over the last ten years. But you will forever be my best friend. You know that right?” I asked, forcing myself to keep eye contact. I was glad I did because the look she gave me filled me with so much warmth and optimism.
“Sahara Michelle Lee, we are sisters. A little time apart doesn’t change that. It won’t ever change.”
Tears filled my eyes and I just put my head in my hands, overwhelmed. “Thank you. I needed to hear that. You have no idea. Thank you.” I started and couldn’t stop the tears. It was as if a dam had been broken.
Wiping away her own tears, Emily helped me up and we walked to the guest bedroom. She sat me down on the bed and left the room. Returning moments later with a box of tissues from the bathroom, she placed them on the bed beside me. “Get changed and get in the bed. It’s getting late and I’m sure you’re tired from traveling. When you wake up, we’ll watch a movie or something before we go to brunch. I don’t know if Manny gave you a tour or not, but my room is at the end of the hall. Just holler if you need me.”
I nodded that I understood as I tried to get ahold of my emotions. I heard her shut the door as I wiped the tears from my eyes. A second later, she opened the door back up and peeked in the room. “I love you Sahara.”
“I-I love y-you, too,” I stammered into my wet tissue. The door clicked closed as she went to her room. With her gone, I was able to calm myself enough to change into my sweatpants and T-shirt. I retrieved my clothes from the floor and my cell phone fell out of the back pocket of my jeans. I picked it up and tossed it on the bed. Throwing my dirty clothes in my travel laundry bag, I straightened my temporary living space. I left the room and scurried to the bathroom so I could brush my teeth and prepare for bed.
I climbed under the covers and picked up my cell phone. Dialing Ty’s number, I held my breath. I didn’t want to be “that girl” who would keep calling when she knew her man was out but I needed to hear his voice.
“Sahara” Ty yelled into the phone. The bar was loud and the music sounded like alternative rock.
“Ty, I can’t hear you!” I said as loudly as I could without disrupting Emily down the hall.
“Sahara! Hold on!”
Through the noise I could hear a gruff male voice telling Ty that he couldn’t leave the bar and reenter. “And why not?” Ty responded.
“Because those are the rules. If you leave, you’ll have to pay the cover charge over again,” said the man I could only assume was the bouncer.
“And that’s fine,” Ty said coolly before I heard a heavy door clos
e with a bang and the noise evaporated.
“Sahara!” Ty sounded genuinely happy to hear from me. The thought made me warm from the inside out.
“Tyree!” I laughed. Just hearing his voice settled me down and made me feel like everything would be okay. “Baby I didn’t mean to disrupt your night and I don’t want you to have to pay to reenter a bar. I just called to say goodnight. That’s all.”
“Baby girl, you are worth it. If you need me to come out again and again and again, I would do it each and every time.”
My heart fluttered. “You are so good to me,” I bubbled as I stretched and pointed my toes.
“Because you deserve it,” he countered. His voice was strong and smooth. If possible, I fell a little more in love at that moment.
“I can’t wait to kiss you again. I’ve been missing those lips,” he growled lowly. And suddenly the guilt of Emanuel’s kiss hit me in my gut. I flinched at the blow.
“I miss you more,” I whispered, trying to convince myself that I didn’t kiss Emanuel, he kissed me. But I sure didn’t stop him, I thought guiltily. I have to get off the phone.
“Baby, go back in and chill with your boys. I know you haven’t seen them in a while so enjoy yourself. I just wanted to say goodnight and hear your sexy voice before bed.” My voice sounded foreign to me as I rushed the sentence out.
“Sahara, you sure? You sound different. If you need me, say the word and I’m out of here. I want to make sure you sleep.”
“And I love you for that. And because I love you, I want you to go have fun with your friends. I’m exhausted. I’m going to pass out in a few minutes.”
Reluctantly he said, “Ok baby girl. Call me in the morning. I love you. Goodnight.”
“I will. Goodnight. I love you too.”
I put my phone on the charger and selected random on my “Goodnight” playlist. My mind was racing, but I truly was exhausted. I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since Ty left. And with everything that had happened since I arrived in Thomasville, I felt emotionally drained. First with Emanuel and then with Emily…and tomorrow, brunch with the entire family…before brunch I need to lay it all out there with both Emily and Emanuel…and Monday, there’s the hearing…and then I’ll be back in Maryland and I’ll come clean and tell Ty everything. I’m scared, I fretted as I drifted to a restless sleep.
Chapter 19
“Sahara! Sahara! Please wake up! Please! You’re scaring me! Sahara!” Emily’s shrill voice roused me awake.
My face felt damp from a mixture of sweat and tears. I had another nightmare, I assumed as I opened my eyes wearily. “I’m sorry,” I rasped, my throat felt raw and my mouth felt disgustingly dry. I tried to sit up but my body felt weak.
“What can I do? What do you need?” Emily cried. I looked at her and even in the dark, I could see that she was upset. She looked so young. She had her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head…just like she used to. It took me a minute to get myself together, which only seemed to worry Emily more.
“I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry I woke you up. Go back to bed,” I coerced gently. With shaky fingers, I pulled the covers up to my chin even though I was burning up.
“Sahara…we have to talk about this.” She turned on the lamp beside the bed.
Too tired to fight, I just looked at her passively. She’s already seen and probably heard the worst of it. Just being here, around her, felt too familiar. We always shared everything,I thought with frustration as the urge to spill my guts to her with little provocation came back. I knew one of the things I needed to do when I got to Thomasville was to confront my fears. I just hoped it would be on my terms…at the airport…right before takeoff…so I could run as soon as things got hard, I thought ruefully.
Knowing I couldn’t put it off any longer, I pushed the covers from my body. “Let’s go in the living room and talk.”
Emily wiped her face and said, “I’d like that.”
We stood and walked out of the bedroom. I stopped by the bathroom to brush my teeth and I heard Emily running water and then the microwave door open and close. By time I entered the living room, Emily had two cups of tea sitting on the table. She had her tablet in her hand.
She looked up and said, “I thought we could use a soundtrack song. Is it lame that I still do this after all these years?”
I wanted to laugh but my throat still felt raw so I just smiled and shook my head. “I still do it too,” I whispered hoarsely as I sat down next to her and sipped the tea she put on the table for me. Once the hot liquid scorched my tongue, I swallowed it down, letting it sooth my raw throat. The warmth felt good.
Emily hit play and ‘Moonlight Sonata’ played through the speakers and a smile played across my lips. “Beethoven, good choice,” I said with a smirk, my voice hoarse.
Smiling back at me, “Can’t go wrong with Beethoven right?”
The tension in my back lessened as I let the music wash over me, cleaning the nightmare off of me before I began. “I just want you to let me talk… and then we can have a conversation about it if you want.” My voice shook.
“But I’ve only been able to say it once before—and it was hard—but with you, it’ll be different. Because you were there. And you know—you know what I did,” I stammered, forcing the preface out of me before I went to the heavier stuff. I knew once I got started, I wouldn’t be able to stop.
Emily’s knee started bouncing up and down in a nervous way. I saw her nod in agreement as her knee picked up speed.
Taking a deep breath, I looked in Emily’s eyes and decided it had to be now. “Okay, well as you know, I have um—nightmares and panic attacks. I don’t know what I said or how much you heard. But it hurts when I think about my dad or my mom or you or Emanuel. I ruined your lives. I ruined your lives because I wanted to go to a stupid party because some guy I’ve never heard of and never met was buying a fleet of alcohol.” My voice broke momentarily so I paused.
Although tears welled up in my eyes, I continued with all the strength I could muster. “My birth killed my mother, taking my dad’s soul mate. And if that weren’t enough, the car we were in, was bulldozed into my dad’s squad car, killing him. I convinced you go to the party and you couldn’t walk for a year. I called Emanuel to pick us up and he was in a coma. And the look on your parents faces when you and Emanuel were in the hospital.” I took a sip of tea and closed my eyes tight for a second.
“Sahara…” Emily began.
“No let me finish please.” I opened my eyes and looked at her. “Everyone I ever dared to love had their lives ruined because of me. I got out of that accident with minimal injuries. The doctor told me your legs were shattered Emily. Emanuel’s left leg and arm were broken, but he hit his head and his brain swelled. He was in a coma—a coma! And my dad died instantly. Upon impact is what the paramedic said. His partner died the next day. None of those things would’ve happened if I didn’t want to go to that party. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I allowed myself a second to breathe before I started again, “I prayed for you guys to survive this. I couldn’t save my parents, but I prayed for you guys. I needed you two to be okay. After I was assured that you two would live, I learned immediately that dance and basketball were out of the question and I had to get away. I know how much it meant to you guys and I didn’t want to be there when you found out you couldn’t do it anymore. I know that makes me a coward but it broke my heart. And I’m sorry. But I couldn’t deal with the truth. It was my fault. I know it was my fault. I was scared you would blame me.”
Sucking in another shaky breath, I concluded, “It was my fault and I needed to be punished. So since I took your dreams away from you, I took dreams away from myself as penance. I ran away from everything and everyone I considered home. I deprived myself of my dream of becoming a doctor. I isolated myself because I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve to be anything. I ruined everything and everyone so I sabotaged myself.” I cried into my hands
for a minute, letting the weight of what I just admitted settle in the room. Beethoven on repeat was the only noise before Emily cleared her throat.
“Is it my turn to speak yet?” Emily’s voice sounded like it was booming in the quiet room.
I didn’t look up when I quietly said, “Okay.”
“That’s a lot to live with. Especially when it’s not true Sahara,” Emily said gently, rubbing my shoulder. “Let me tell you what really happened that night. I said I didn’t feel like going out because I didn’t feel well from nursing a hangover from the night before. If you’ll recall, my finals were done a lot earlier than yours.”
Grabbing my wrist, forcing my head out of my hands, she said, “I want you to listen closely to me. I would have gone anyway. I planned on going. We went to every party we could freshman year. I would have gone regardless, do you understand? And Manny would have killed us if we drove drunk…so would your dad, my dad, my mom…driving drunk was never an option and you know it. We both agreed to call Emanuel. We both did! You were just less drunk than me so you made the actual call, but we both planned to call him. And just like he always did since we were little, he bailed us out. He was always there to bail us out. You didn’t force him, Sahara. He did what he always did. The only person to blame for the accident is Chris fucking Cole! He didn’t call someone to come and get him. He had too much to drink and he plowed into us. Cole doing what he did resulted in my broken legs, Manny’s coma, your dad and his partner’s deaths. Cole, not you. Cole!” She concluded her words forcefully as her grip on my wrist tightened.
“But if I didn’t get—” I wept.
“Sahara, are you listening? Chris Cole is to blame. Not you! Why are you punishing yourself for stuff that he did?” Emily removed her grip on my wrist and wiped her eyes.
“He didn’t kill my mother.”
“Are you serious right now? You didn’t kill her either. A combination of natural causes killed her. Your dad told you that all the time.” Emily’s frustration was evident.
Back to Life Page 18