Back to Life

by Danielle Allen

  “So what happened?” Emily asked as she took off her seatbelt and got comfortable in her seat. She turned slightly toward me and tucked her leg underneath her thigh.

  I sighed, “It was just time to go, I guess.” I looked straight ahead through the windshield.

  “Sahara Michelle Lee, that’s not going to fly. What happened?”

  “Ashlyn happened,” I said simply. I removed my sunglasses and put them in my handbag.

  “Wait what?” Emily asked, shocked. When I didn’t respond, she repeated. “No seriously, what are you talking about?”

  “Ashlyn comes up to the table and she’s like ‘Sweetie I don’t want you to embarrass yourself because Emanuel is my man; we’re engaged.’ Emanuel didn’t deny it. He just told her she needed to leave. And so, I sent you a text and chilled out in the bathroom until I thought you might be outside.”

  “What?!” Emily screamed, her grey eyes the size of saucers. “Engaged?!”

  “Can we please go inside now?” I asked, feeling drained from the activities of the day.

  “Oh, yeah. Sure.” Emily opened her car door and sprinted to the front door of the house. I climbed out and followed her as quickly as my tired body would allow. Once we were safely in the house, I followed Emily to the living room and we both plopped down. Emily kicked off her shoes and turned toward me expectantly.

  “I’m tired,” I said quietly. “This day has taken a lot out of me.”

  “I understand. What I don’t understand is what happened between you and Emanuel and why Ashlyn was there.”

  “I don’t understand what happened either,” I answered honestly. “We had a really nice time reconnecting. We talked for hours. He said he finally got some necessary things off his chest…things he’d been waiting years to say to me. And I did the same. He said he wanted to be with me and then boom—enter Ashlyn. She made a scene and the whole situation was completely embarrassing. The manager had to come over.”

  “I have so many questions,” Emily mused, more to herself than to me. “When we were at Rosemary’s he said he wanted to finally have the talk with you which is the only reason I let him steal you for part of the day. When he said he was having the talk, I thought he was going to tell you how he felt and also tell you about Ashlyn. I can’t stand her, by the way.”

  “She’s a bitch,” I blurted.

  Emily laughingly agreed, “Yes, she’s a total bitch. I don’t understand why Emanuel has dated her for so long.”

  “What’s going on that he would date someone like that? I mean, why would someone as great as he is date someone who would cause a scene in a public place just for kicks?” I asked.

  “After he fully recovered and right before he quit therapy a few years ago, he adopted this ‘life is short’ motto. He wasn’t the same shy introverted Manny anymore. He became an adrenaline junkie. And it was good for him in some ways. He wasn’t overthinking things anymore. He wasn’t afraid of anything. Except for you. He’s scared to death of you.” She gave me a small, apologetic smile.

  “Scared of me?” I asked without thinking.

  “Yeah… It was hard for him to talk about you for a long time. He felt powerless in the whole situation, so he emotionally shut down. So with his whole adrenaline junkie thing, instead of getting the rush and thrill from falling in love, he seeks it out through extreme activities.”

  Interesting, I thought as I listened to Emily with rapt attention, comparing his adrenaline rush to my love of art. “I get that. Truly I do. And I know how this sounds so don’t judge me, but why her?” I asked quietly, shaking my head.

  Emily continued, “Well, I know at one point he was dating a different girl every other month. Mom was really getting on him about settling down because he had a string of non-relationships that wouldn’t last because they didn’t have it. He never specified what it was, but I knew what he meant by that.” She pursed her lips and gave me a pointed look.

  “I don’t know if he was sleeping with all of them, but I hope not. If so, he was a bit of a man-whore when it came to dating, especially when he started playing guitar with a couple of his friends around town. Anyway, a few years ago, a little while after he started with the adrenaline rush kick, he stopped with the serial dating. Instead of being thrilled by meeting someone knew, he’d get his thrill by doing some new activity. Unfortunately, when he promised Mom he’d make an effort to settle down, he met Ashlyn. Even though he never seemed like he was in love with her, we could always tell when he was really unhappy in his relationship. That’s when the amount of times he’d go climbing or diving or racing would increase.”

  “Finding something to numb the pain instead of getting swallowed up in it. I know what that’s like,” I admitted, more to myself than to Emily. She stared at me as if she was debating saying her next statement before she started talking again.

  “I had hoped Ashlyn was just something to do. But he’s continued to put up with her for the last couple of years. It’s ridiculous to think they even managed to make it to the two year mark,” Emily scoffed. “But engaged?! He’s never said anything to us about marrying this chick.”

  I nodded in understanding as I thought of Jacob and that failed relationship. It was doomed from the beginning, but I wanted to try to make it work. I needed the distraction. Could that be what Ashlyn is to Emanuel? Even if that was the case, he’s marrying her? That’s more than a distraction. I pondered silently.

  “Well marriage is a serious commitment so I don’t even know what to do with that,” I shrugged. “And did you say band?! That’s another thing he didn’t mention today.”

  “Yeah, he plays guitar with a couple of guys. They play a couple times a month and they’re good. Manny sounds like he’s been playing forever. You should hear them one day.” Emily gave me a sad smile before she continued, “And believe me, she’s not his type, you are. That’s why he can do base jumps and climb mountains, but if I bring you up unexpectedly, he gets skittish.”

  I just looked blankly at her, not quite sure what an appropriate response would be.

  “Whatever the situation is with Ashlyn, I’m sorry you were blindsided by it. That’s not cool,” Emily said softly.

  “Enough about Emanuel. What did you do after brunch?” I inquired, switching subjects quickly.

  “I went to the hospital to see Anthony for a bit. He was pretty busy so I didn’t stay long. Then I went to the mall and that’s when I called you and Manny to see where you guys were located. I was going to see if you wanted to meet me at the mall. Obviously, he said no because he needed to finish talking to you privately, so I shopped for a bit and then came home.”

  Not wanting to address the Emanuel situation again, I focused on the most important part of her afternoon. “And how is doctor boyfriend?”

  Her eyes lit up. “Doctor boyfriend is good. Well he looks good anyway. We had frozen yogurt and talked for like 30 minutes and then he had to get back to saving lives.”

  “You really like him don’t you?”

  “I do. He makes me happy. But our schedules are not compatible.” She shrugged her shoulders and sighed loudly, “But it is what it is.”

  “Have you talked to him about it?”

  “No, not really. There’s nothing he can do about it so there’s no point. His schedule is his schedule.”

  “You should talk to him about it. You deserve to be happy and if he makes you happy, you have to at least try, Em.”

  She cocked her head to the side and smiled. “You called me Em. You haven’t called me that in a long time.” She took my hand and held it.

  I squeezed her hand in return. Instead of apologizing, I said something else I felt she deserved to hear. “I love you.”

  Her smile widened and her eyes immediately looked wet. “I love you too Sahara.” She quickly threw her long arms around me and we hugged.

  We spent the next couple of hours talking about Emily’s business venture, my art obsession and past relationships. It felt like no time h
ad passed between us at all. Our friendship and camaraderie was natural and not at all forced. We just fell into familiar patterns of communicating with one another. I’ve missed this, I thought as she got up to go make us some tea. I took the opportunity to check my phone and saw that I had no calls and no text messages. I hope Ty’s okay, I prayed silently as I opened up a message and started to type.

  Sahara Lee: Hey, how are you? Just wanted to check on you. Haven’t heard from you all day.

  I realized suddenly how much I missed him. Ty gave me strength. Ty made me happy. Ty wasn’t complicated.

  Tyree Barker: Been with my lawyer most of the day. Call you later. I love you.

  Something is up. He’s been with his lawyer all day…on a Sunday? Yeah, he is keeping something from me. Since we’ve met, we’ve never gone this long without talking. But I’m in no position to ask him about it right now. When we both get back to Richland, we’ll talk. I’ll tell him everything and hopefully he’ll do the same, I thought as I typed my response.

  Sahara Lee: I love you too :)

  Although the text conversation was brief, it was just enough of a reminder that Tyree Barker was my present. And Emanuel Mills is my unresolved past, I thought out of the blue. I looked up and saw Emily watching me.

  “What’s with the look?” she asked as she paused near the wall dividing the kitchen and living room.

  “I have a confession to make,” I hesitated as she brought the tea into the room.

  Sitting the cups on the table, she said, “Oh! Do tell!”

  “Well, when I told you about the guys I’d dated in Richland, I didn’t tell you about the only significant relationship I’ve ever been in. His name is—.” A sharp knock on the door stopped me in mid-sentence and halted Emily in mid sip. We both looked at the door and then back at each other. “Are you expecting company?” I asked.

  “No… I even told Anthony today that tonight was all about me and you. I rented movies and everything.” She made her way to the door as a second series of knocks rained down on the door. My heart started beating fast and in my gut, I knew it was him.

  “Manny, I told you we were having girl time tonight. What’s up?” Emily reminded her brother with annoyance from the cracked door.

  “I know. It won’t take long. Five minutes, tops,” Emanuel pleaded with her.

  “I don’t even know if she wants to talk to you.” Emily folded her arms and cocked her head to the side. After giving Emanuel a silent stare, Emily glanced at me. I gave her a slight nod as I stood up. With a sigh, Emily opened the door all the way and said, “You have five minutes. I’m going to change and then Sahara and I have movies to watch.” She turned on her heel and left the room.

  “Hi,” I said shyly. I was embarrassed by my reaction earlier, especially knowing that I’m in love with Tyree. I shouldn’t have gotten an attitude with him, I thought regretfully.

  “Hi,” Emanuel’s tone mirrored mine as he made his way into the living room.

  “I’m sorry.” I shook my head and closed my eyes briefly. I knew I needed to say what I had to say without getting sucked into his eyes. “I shouldn’t have gotten an attitude with you about Ashlyn. That is your business and your decision to make. I should’ve been more supportive and I shouldn’t have snapped at you. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

  He stopped on the other side of the couch; we were only separated by a cushion length. “Sahara, look at me,” he demanded. My eyes met his and that familiar pull that I’ve always felt when around him took over my body. I felt drawn to him and as he got closer, I could feel the electricity between us. I sucked in a quick breath at the sensation.

  “First, I want to apologize for what happened earlier. That’s not… I don’t even know what to say. Ashlyn is…” I sat down on the couch; he took his jacket off and sat down next to me.

  “You don’t have to say anything, Emanuel,” I said quietly with my eyes closed. I rubbed my temples and when I opened my eyes, I continued, “But she was rude and insufferable.”

  Emanuel scoffed, “To say the least.” Taking my hand, he apologized, “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. I didn’t want to tell you like that. And I’m sorry about her. She won’t ever speak to you like that again.”

  “I don’t plan on seeing her ever again, so that’s inconsequential to me. But I appreciate your apology on her behalf.”

  “I don’t either.”

  “You don’t what either? I’m not following.” I squinted at him in confusion. In the silence that followed, I became increasingly aware that he was still holding my hand. The rough pad of his thumb stroked the inside of my hand and wrist. My skin burned at his touch. I watched the path his thumb was taking and I felt my heart skip multiple beats.

  “I don’t plan on seeing her ever again either,” he enunciated each word as his fingers squeezed mine. When I looked up, I could see the intensity in his eyes. The grey captivated me and I got lost in them. And immediately, I lost all train of thought. He looked as if he were quietly assessing me as I struggled to think straight.

  “You don’t plan on seeing her again?” I repeated slowly, trying to understand. The sound of my heart drummed loudly in my ears. All I could hear was blood rushing through my veins.

  “No. I don’t.” His voice was strong and sure. Just like his touch.

  “Are you engaged?” I asked, still trying to wrap my mind around what he was saying.

  His eyes closed and his face looked crushed as his head tipped downward slightly. He opened his eyes as I began speaking.

  “So what Ashlyn said was true…” My sentence trailed off as I saw the shift in his eyes. I removed my hand from his.

  “We’ve been dating for a couple of 2 ½ years. In January she purchased a ring for herself and told me to ‘shit or get off the pot’… and I didn’t get off the pot. And since I didn’t leave, she took that as a sign that we were engaged. I never asked her to marry me. But after a while, I don’t know.”

  I didn’t realize I wasn’t breathing until I exhaled loudly. He turned toward me, folding his long leg on the cushion between us. “If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t think I was ever going to love anyone the way I loved you, so I didn’t think there was any point in delaying the inevitable. If I didn’t have you, I was always going to end up with someone I wasn’t completely in love with. You know the saying…if you’re not with the one you love, love who you’re with.”

  I felt the tears burning my eyes but I refused to let them fall. Biting the tip of my tongue, I didn’t say anything. I focused on my breathing as he continued, “I’m used to her. I care for her. And most importantly, I was trying not to be the person I was for the majority of my twenties. So I just…went with it. You should’ve seen the look on my mom’s face.” He ran his hands through his hair and each perfect strand fell back into place.

  “My mom thought I was miraculously healed or something when I was still with her after a couple of months. She pulled me aside and told me how worried she was about me and how much it meant to her that I was finally settling down. So the longer I stayed with her, the better my mom felt about my life. And I thought maybe…maybe I would eventually fall in love with Ashlyn.”

  I cleared my throat in an attempt to remove any trace of heartache from my voice, “I’m confused… didn’t you just say you didn’t plan on seeing her again? Because it sounds like you not only plan on seeing her again, but you plan on spending the rest of your life with her.” Even though I tried to sound like myself, my voice sounded small.

  He nodded his head and then he put his arm on the back of the couch behind me. “I had accepted my fate and was going along with it until Em said you were coming back. I’ve tried not to think about you Sahara. I’ve tried to move on with my life. But when Em said you’d be here for the hearing, I stopped having the desire to fake it with Ashlyn.”

  I closed my eyes tight for a moment and he paused. I could still feel him looking at me as he said, “And th
en when I saw you yesterday, I knew for a fact I couldn’t marry her. Not if I had a chance with you. I will break things off with her right now, if I can be with you Sahara.” He fingered one of my curls as he spoke. With my eyes closed, my senses were heightened and I could feel his gentle touch to my hair all over my body. I opened my eyes to try to stop the onslaught of feelings Emanuel drudged up in me. Tucking the hair behind my ear, I watched his eyes as they followed his fingers through my hair. His fingers brushed past my ear forcing a chill to run down my spine. Our eyes locked and I licked my lips.

  “Okay I got distracted so you ended up getting a few more minutes out of me. But your time is up Manny!” Emily yelled from down the hallway.

  He looked deeply into my eyes and held my gaze for a second. “Em, can we have another minute?” Emanuel yelled back.

  “You have literally one minute. Sixty seconds and then I’m coming in there. Your time starts now!” Emily grumbled in response. She slammed her bedroom door closed for emphasis.

  He exhaled and ran his hand through his hair before he started again, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Ashlyn. I’m sorry Ashlyn showed up before I had a chance to tell you myself. But I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to say what I said to you. I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to hear your reasons why. I didn’t think about anything in the park today except you and how I feel about you and how spending one-on-one time with you feels. I was going to tell you over dessert, but I should’ve been up front with you about it.” He took another deep breath and gently grabbed the back of my neck, bringing me closer to him. My heart started fluttering and I felt woozy. We were practically nose to nose as he whispered, “I love you. It’s always been you and it’ll always be you.”

  My mouth opened as I let out an involuntary whimper in response. My heart yearned to say the words back to him and that made my stomach drop. Can you be in love with two people at the same time? I thought as his lips just barely grazed mine.