Back to Life

by Danielle Allen

  “Tyree Barker?” Emanuel asked as he stopped at the bottom of the steps.

  My stomach dropped and I felt the slow creep of heat rise up my body. “Yes?” I coolly responded, meeting his gaze. I felt defensive and protective and confused. My guilt fueled defenses were up and I wouldn’t allow myself to be put in a position to be hurt.

  Quietly, he repeated, “Tyree Barker...” His hands were in his pockets and he squinted up at me with his face questioning and his body tense.

  “What about him?” I said, crossing my arms across my chest.

  Visibly uncomfortable with my closed off demeanor, Emanuel shifted his weight before asking, “You’re with that guy?”

  He clearly already knows the answer to the question, I fumed inwardly. “We’re not engaged or anything that serious if that’s what you’re asking,” I replied sarcastically.

  Emanuel’s face fell and his body deflated. I knew it was a low blow when I said it, but I couldn’t help it—he didn’t tell me about being engaged!

  “Okay, I’ll take that. But you’re no better than me Sahara! I didn’t tell you about Ashlyn and you didn’t tell me about Tyree,” Emanuel argued as he climbed the three steps to the top of the porch.

  I backed away until my ass was against Emily’s front door. “I’m not engaged Emanuel and I didn’t kiss you!” I snapped back. My chest heaved as I found myself breathing harder.

  Taking a small step toward me, Emanuel took his hands out of his pockets and cocked his head to the side. “You didn’t stop me either Sahara,” he countered with his eyes blazing.

  “I didn’t stop you because I was in shock. You burst into the room; you surprised me,” I sputtered. He was too close and I needed to get away from him. The chemistry was crackling between us and I didn’t have enough room to turn away from him without brushing my body against his.

  He looked deeply into my eyes and pinned me up against the door with the intensity of his gaze. Speaking slowly he said, “I shouldn’t have kissed you… but I’m glad I did. When I’m around you, I only think of you. When I’m not around you, I only think of you. So I’m not sorry I kissed you. But I am sorry that you found out the way you did about Ashlyn. You should’ve heard it from me.”

  He moved closer forcing my head to tilt back to keep eye contact comfortably. I considered what he said but didn’t let my guard down. Glaring at him, I pursed my lips together defiantly and said nothing. Consciously, I made the decision to distance myself from both Emanuel and Ty in an effort to protect myself…and them. Subconsciously, my body reacted to Emanuel’s closeness. My back arched slightly and my core clenched. My heart rate increased and my breathing became more labored.

  “You want me. You want this,” Emanuel coaxed, slowly, eliminating any space between us. “All you have to do is say the word and we can have a life together Sahara. The life you used to tell me we would have together. The life I never got to tell you that I dreamed of us having together. This right here is ten years in the making. I love you and I know you love me too. I know the timing is off and things are a bit messy, but if I have a chance to be with you, I’m taking it.”

  My mind went blank and I felt my resolve weakening slightly. I wanted to go in the house and shut the door behind me, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his. He brought his forehead down to mine and the heat of his breath tickled my inflamed skin. At the angle my head was tilted, our lips were seconds away from touching.

  Receiving divine strength, I put both of my hands on his chest to prevent him from seducing me any further. When I spoke, my voice came out breathily, “Are you still engaged?”

  Softly, he said, “If you are saying you’ll have me, I’ll end it right now.”

  More confidently, I repeated, “Are you still engaged?”

  His eyes held mine for a beat before he whispered, “Yes.”

  “That’s what I thought,” I responded quietly, dropping my hands from his chest, I turned to knock on the door.

  “Sahara, can we talk about this?” Emanuel grabbed my elbow.

  I looked over my shoulder, giving him a forlorn glance. “We have nothing to talk about.”

  Emily flung open the door just as Emanuel growled in frustration.

  “What the hell?” Emily said ushering me into the house and giving a quizzical look at her brother. Looking between us, she asked, “Is everything okay?”

  Not paying her any attention, Emanuel called after me. “We need to talk about this Sahara. Can you please come back so we can talk about this?” His frustration was evident in the exasperation in his voice.

  I watched him standing on the other side of Emily and my eyes filled with tears. “You’ve said all that needed to be said Emanuel,” I answered as I walked to the kitchen.

  “Hey, go for a walk or a ride or something. She’ll call you if she wants to talk to you,” Emily said to Emanuel. The door clicked shut a minute later. I was sitting at the table when Emily walked into the kitchen.

  “We need wine!” Emily announced walking to her refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of chilled Fume Blanc. Taking two wine glasses from the top cabinet, she poured us both two large glasses of white wine. After downing our first glass in no time, I poured our second glasses to the brim.

  “I’m sorry I disappeared during court,” I started, gulping down the cool, crisp liquid. “I was already feeling emotional and then…” I took another swig.

  “Tyree showed up,” Emily finished, nodding.

  “Yep.” I finished my glass. “How crazy is that? I mean, how small of a world is it that Tyree Barker was the mastermind behind the party? I moved states away and never gave two shits about any man I came in contact with until him. And it was his party! His. Party. That’s crazy! Crazy!” I put my head in my hands and rubbed my temples. “He supplied the alcohol for the party and he was pledging Chris Cole… I just… I can’t Em. My heart hurts.”

  Emily nodded, her eyes wide. “I’m sure it does.” Leaning over to take my hand, she said, “This weekend has been eventful.” She removed her hand from mine and poured a third glass of wine for us both.

  “Yes it has, girl.” Sighing loudly, I continued, “Ty found me after he got off the witness stand.”

  “How did he know where you were?” Emily took a long sip from her glass with her eyebrows raised.

  “He knows me,” I quoted him as I swirled the wine around in my glass. My heart tightened as I said it.

  “So what happened? Did he know all along?” Emily asked. She got up and grabbed a second bottle of wine and chips and dip.

  I recounted the afternoon in the museum including the testosterone filled show-down between Ty and Emanuel. By time we analyzed and reanalyzed my relationship with Ty, my relationship with Emanuel, and the hearing, Emily was left just as confused as I was. The only conclusion we came to was that the hearing went reasonably well and hopefully Cole would remain behind bars.

  Changing the subject, I asked about Anthony and Emily went into a wine-fueled rage. Starting at the beginning of their love affair and ending with the imminent break up she predicted. By the time we analyzed her love life, Emily admitted to loving Anthony but being scared to commit.

  “Why do you think you’re scared to commit?” I asked. We had long moved to the living room and were sitting on the floor with our glasses of wine.

  “Karma I guess,” she chirped. “What goes around, comes around. You reap what you sow. All that good stuff.”

  “From what you’ve emailed me, you’ve had a healthy dating life. I don’t understand what you’d reap.” My tongue felt thick as I struggled to get my words out.

  “I’d date a guy until I got bored and then move on to the next one. Things are different this time around. He’s holding my interest… and he’s kind of perfect for me. So what if he gets bored with me?”

  “Love is all about trusting your gut and taking a leap of faith. What does your gut tell you to do?”

  “My gut tells me to try. But that doesn’t
make me any less scared,” Emily laughed giddily.

  Joining in on the laughter, I said, “Go for it, Em! Live a little!”

  “And what about you? What does your gut tell you to do about Emanuel and Ty?”

  “That’s a good question…”

  Feeling the effects of three bottles of wine, minimal food, and an emotional girl talk session, I drunkenly made my way to the guest bathroom to prepare for bed. After a shower and twisting my hair, I slipped on black leggings and a lime green tank top. With my phone, I climbed in bed and prepared to fall into a sleep. I haven’t been drunk in ten years, I thought with amusement. I’ll have to remember to tell Emily that she’s a bad influence!

  Checking my phone, I saw that I missed calls from Emily, Mrs. Mills, Mr. McMannus, Ty and Emanuel. The text messages were predominately from Ty and Emanuel with the exception of one.

  Emily Mills: Where are you? I’m worried. Case just wrapped up. The 2nd witness was his mom, no surprise… Speaking of the case, how crazy was it that Tyree was the court ordered witness. It blew my mind so I know it blew yours. You and I must discuss details over drinks tonight!

  Snickering, I said, “We certainly discussed over drinks tonight alright.” Opening Ty’s text message, my giggling ceased.

  Tyree Barker: I hate that I was the cause of that look on your face when you were in court. You look so content right now looking at that painting. I love watching you get swept up in art. I love you baby girl.

  Tyree Barker: I’m worried about you. I didn’t want to follow you into the park if you need some space, but I don’t accept that we’re over. Can you meet me somewhere so we can talk? I’m staying at the Renaissance in room 501. I’m sorry this is the way you found out. I tried to tell you back at home, but I should’ve tried harder. Please talk to me.

  Tyree Barker: Are you with him?

  With tears in my eyes, I put the phone down beside me on the bed and struggled to sit up against the headboard. He thinks I’m with Emanuel and that’s why I’m not talking to him? Oh God, I’m making this worse, I cried. Why do I keep making a mess out of things in my life!

  Before texting him back, I read Emanuel’s text messages.

  Emanuel Mills: Where are you? Who was that guy on the stand?

  Emanuel Mills: I’m giving you your space, but I know you’re going back to Emily’s at some point so I’ll just meet you over there tonight. Think about what I said. I love you Sahara.

  Alcohol blurred my vision as I rolled over onto my belly. I didn’t realize I was crying until my pillowcase was completely soaked. What am I supposed to do? I cried, pushing my face deeper into the wet cotton pillow. If I had to choose, who would I choose? I inadvertently thought because my inebriated state allowed my mind to go where I willed it not to when I was sober.

  I loved both men, but for very different reasons. They were amazing; however, they were so different. Emanuel was the standard that I compared all men. He was always there for me, always looking out for me, and he was my first love. It was familiar to be with him. I knew my dad approved of him. He had everything: smart, funny, good looking. And he knew me when I was the girl I’ve struggled to get back to and struggled to forget about all at the same time. And we never had a chance because circumstances kept us a part. And what if now is the time for us to pick up where we left off? What if everything that has happened was supposed to happen to bring us together? What if I wouldn’t have wanted to go to that party…would we be together now as opposed to him and Ashlyn? Should I be so hard on him about his engagement knowing I’m in a relationship? And speaking of Ty, if Emanuel and I were together, would I still have the same feelings for Ty? I thought in a rush.

  Ty came into my life unexpectedly and had an unexpected impact. I didn’t plan to fall in love with him. I didn’t plan to even meet him or reach out to him after we met in the gym. But everything that happened between us, happened for a reason. I met him and I felt things I’d never felt before. If I had to choose his best characteristics, they would be his thoughtfulness, intelligence, and his outgoing personality. And to top it off, his amazing personality and business savvy nature is all wrapped up in that deliciously handsome package. He was insightful—having a profound understanding of not only who I was, but who I am now. Ty knows me and accepts me for the woman I’ve become. He also gave me the strength to face my guilty conscious head on. Just being with him gave me enough strength to keep me from flaking out on the hearing because Lord knows I agreed to go before I was ready. Ty saved me from myself. He taught me to live a little and the last month has been the happiest I’ve been. He takes good care of me and our only issue stemmed, no stems, from this whole Cole situation. I should hear him out—what if the night he wanted to tell me something this was it? If I didn’t come back to Thomasville, would I still have crazy chemistry with Emanuel? I thought weepily.

  Taking my own advice to Emily, I got out of my own head and listened to my gut and made a choice. Instead of wallowing in guilt, I was going to be an active participant in my life. Even drunk, I knew where my heart felt the most at home. I rolled over onto my back and picked up my phone. Why are the keys so small?! And why was it easier to read the messages than it is to type messages, I thought as I struggled to send messages to both Ty and Emanuel.

  Sahara Lee: callmeeeeeee orcomeover EMILYS HOUSE 4321prettylane

  Sahara Lee: need2talk inmorning.important

  I couldn’t open my eyes all the way, but I instantly knew from the darkness out of the window that it had to be late at night/early in the morning. I heard the faint strains of “Getting Late” playing on repeat and it stirred something in me. Love this song but my head is pounding so it needs to cut off now, I thought stretching my legs. I shut my eyes tight and tried to will the pounding in my head to stop. Unable to reach over to my phone because my arms felt heavy, I just focused on the yearning words of the song. I must have passed out listening to this. This song is applicable for either Ty or Emanuel so I can only imagine what I was thinking about when I put it on, I thought as I was finally able to rub my hand across my mouth. I felt that my hair was no longer twisted; it was in utter disarray all over my head. My hair is going to be a disaster in the morning, I thought as I made no attempt to tie it up. Rolling over, I jumped as I came in contact with a warm body that was way too big to be Emily.

  My nose reacted first as I smelled an outdoorsy cologne. My eyes flew open and I peered into the darkness. My heart rate increased and I began to pant in sudden panic. His muscular back was uncovered and the comforter lay limply across his waist. His back was to me but slowly, my eyes focused enough to see a messy mass of soft black hair free of the product that makes it slick and straight. I felt bile rise in my throat as Emanuel made sexy noises as he dreamed.

  I grabbed my phone and looked at my recent history. Suddenly I couldn’t catch my breath as I realized I had made a mistake. Somehow, I mixed up the text messages. Somehow, I ended up in bed with Emanuel.

  Chapter 29

  Drying my body off as quickly as possible, I slipped into barely there panties and wrapped the towel around me. Running from the bathroom to the guest bedroom as quietly as I could, I crept to the closet that held my clothing. In a rush, I pulled on a pair of white washed jeans and a black racer-back tank top with a built in shelf bra. Emanuel made another contented sigh and I froze, afraid I might have woken him up. Once I heard his breathing steady, I slipped on black ballet slippers and grabbed my handbag and phone.

  Looking at my phone, it was almost 5 minutes to 3 a.m. I called the taxi to come to Emily’s at 3 a.m. sharp and assured them I would be outside at the end of the driveway. Looking at myself in the mirror, I pulled my hair away from my face with a headband and I put on the diamond necklace and earrings Ty had given me for my birthday. With one more glance at Emanuel, I snuck out of the room undetected. I went down the hallway to Emily’s room to check on her and then exited the house stealthily.

  The taxi was on time and it took less than 20 mi
nutes to get to the Renaissance Hotel. My nerves were getting the best of me on the ride over. Clicking random on my playlist, I heard the song Ty told me was his song for me. Although I needed to get the song that was playing when I woke up with Emanuel out of my head, it felt wrong to play that song. Searching for something else, I tried to clear my mind so I wouldn’t have a panic attack. Flipping through song after song in an effort to imbed the new song in my head, I couldn’t shake “Getting Late.” My anxiety was high and as the song played in my mind, I kept getting flashes of the night. The once sexy lyrics were disturbing to me as I vaguely remembered taking Emanuel’s clothes off, kissing him and touching him. But everything seemed so disjointed. I couldn’t definitively figure out if what I was remembering was reality or a dream. But in the years I’d fantasized about Emanuel, it was never this vivid, I thought, gripping the door handle of the taxi.

  How could I have sent them the wrong text messages? Emanuel thought I wanted him to call me or come over and obviously he did both. What did I say to him? But more importantly, how did Emanuel end up in bed with me? I am almost positive I didn’t sleep with him. I mean, he didn’t have on much, but I was still fully clothed. And my body didn’t feel the soreness that would accompany a night of wild sex—because let’s face it: sex with Emanuel would be wild. But even if it’s safe to assume I didn’t sleep with him, did I mess around with him? Oh my God, something must have happened because why was my hair a train wreck when I woke up. I twisted it when I got out of the shower. I didn’t do a great job at it but I recall twisting it. And my lips, even after brushing my teeth and washing my face, still feel bruised. What did I do? I messed around with Emanuel who is engaged while I have a boyfriend?! I mean technically, I did break up with Ty at the museum so I didn’t technically cheat…, I rationalized guiltily as I rubbed the mixture of sweat and coconut oil from my hairline.