by Carian Cole
I want this woman. I refuse to screw this up anymore than I already have. Somehow, in some way, I have to make this work and build us a foundation that will protect us when the truth finally hits. I can lie and hide and be a fucking bastard, but eventually the truth will surface. I will not lose her.
She didn’t come to me last night and I didn’t go to her. Instead I stayed on the couch with Sterling. I dreamt of Katie—she was smiling and laughing, as she always did. Nothing significant happened in the dream—she was just there with me, happy. I tell myself this is a sign from her, maybe even a visit, to let me know that she’s okay.
FedEx comes while I’m making coffee, delivering six boxes of various shapes. I carry them all to the guest room, put my coffee on the dresser, and start cutting the boxes open. I’m glad she’s still sleeping so I can prepare everything for her and hide what I’m not ready to use yet in the closet.
I have everything spread out on the bed when my cell phone beeps with a text message. I pull it out of my pocket.
Sydni: I’m back home. Can you come see me? We should talk.
SHIT. Fucking bad timing.
Vandal: Kinda busy. Maybe next week?
Sydni: It’s important. Please come today?
Vandal: You’re a pain in my ass. I’ll need about two hours to get there. At the lake now.
Sydni: K. I’ll be here. Just come in. Door’s unlocked.
POCKETING MY PHONE, I step out into the hall, closing the door behind me, and run right into her. Her hair is rumpled and her eyes are rimmed red.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she replies, not meeting my eyes. “Is there coffee?”
“Yeah. Come on, let’s talk for a few minutes.” She follows me to the kitchen and stares out the window as I make her a cup of coffee.
“Can we get some vanilla coffee?” she asks when I hand it to her. “That’s my favorite.”
“Yeah, make a list and I’ll go shopping tomorrow. I have to go out for a few hours, so I can’t go today. I’ll be back around dinner time.”
“Again?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“You were gone almost all day yesterday.”
“So?”
Her bottom lip starts to quiver but I refuse to play into this and allow the drama to continue.
“Are you seeing someone else? Do you have a girlfriend?” Her voice cracks and she grips the coffee mug tighter.
“We aren’t dating. That’s not what this is.” I stick a toothpick in my mouth and roll it around between my teeth. “But there aren’t any other women, either. Only you.”
She sniffles and pushes her hair behind her ear. “Why can’t I come, too?”
Jesus. So this must be what it’s like having a girlfriend—all these emotions and questions . . .
“No,” I say sternly. “I want you to stay here. Eat something light around two o’clock. I’ll be home at four. Your gifts came today and I have exciting plans for us tonight. After I leave, go into the guest room. I have presents waiting there for you.”
She immediately perks up, her eyes growing wide, and a small smile creeping across her face. “Presents?”
“Yes. And by the way, you forgot the first rule.”
She tilts her head and looks at me quizzically. “Oh! The good morning kiss?”
“Yes. That.”
“We had a fight last night.”
“No, we didn’t. You had a tantrum. Let’s not start it up again, all right?” Grabbing her hip, I pull her against my body and bend down to kiss her neck. “I can’t wait ’til tonight,” I whisper into her ear.
She shivers and holds on to my arms, resting her head against my chest. “Me, too,” she whispers back. “Don’t forget me while you’re gone.”
“Not a chance.” I lift her head up to face me. “No bad moods while I’m gone, okay? Today’s going to be a good day and tonight will be amazing. Trust me.”
Picking her up, I sit her on the kitchen counter and kiss her hungrily, thoughts of what tonight will bring deepening my desire for her even more. Her legs wrap around my waist and her hands entwine around my neck. Knowing she misses me when I’m gone is a good sign.
Reluctantly, I pull away. “I better go. I have to meet with a friend, that’s all. Be good. Try to groom the cat if you can. There’s a brush in that drawer over there.”
She smiles at me. “Okay . . . I think I can do that.”
My thoughts are consumed with Tabi, Tabi, and more Tabi while I ride over to Sydni’s. I wish I could have just stayed at the house with her and not wait until tonight to see her with her gifts, but I can’t blow Sydni off. Her timing completely sucks though.
When I get to her apartment I let myself in, as I’ve done hundreds of times.
“I’ll be right out!” she screams from the bathroom. I help myself to a drink from the refrigerator and wait for her out on the back balcony.
“Sorry, hon. I slept way too late today and I’m still suffering from that awful jet lag.” She’s wearing her usual denim shorts and a tank top and is rubbing her damp hair with a towel. Her eyes are red with puffy bags underneath.
“You look tired as fuck,” I tell her. “You need to slow down.”
She sits, and crosses her lean, tan legs. She lights up a cigarette, her long, fire-engine red hair hanging over her face and almost catching a spark. Last time I saw her, her hair was blue.
“Tell me how you’re doing. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here, Van . . .”
I wave my hand at her. “Not your fault, Syd. You were touring in England—that takes precedence over everything else. I get that.” I shrug my shoulder and shake my hair out of my face. “I’m doing better. I haven’t had a drink in like, two days.” Oddly enough, I don’t even miss it.
“Well, that’s a start, pal. One day at a time.”
“So they say.”
She yawns and stretches her fully tattooed arms out and above her head, her white tank top straining over her large breasts that normally I stare at, but today I look away.
“I ran into Talon and Ash at the studio yesterday, and they told me you’re out for a while.” She takes a drag on her cigarette and watches me for a reaction.
I roll my eyes in disgust. “Yeah, I guess they had a vote and don’t want me wrecking their sacred image with my drunken outbursts. I don’t know who the fuck they think they can replace me with on such short notice. Even wasted I play better than most of the hacks out there.”
She smashes her cigarette into a marble ashtray on the table. “Me,” she states simply.
“You, what?”
“They asked me to play the tour with them.”
I almost fall over. Sydni can totally fucking rock. Her all-female rock band, Sugar Kiss, is one of the best out there. I’ve known her for years and they’ve opened for us more times than I can count. I gotta hand it to Asher: it’s a genius marketing move to stick a hot girl in the band for a few months.
Running my hand through my hair, I look over at her, speechless. “I really didn’t see this coming, Syd.”
“I know. Neither did I. Vandal, listen. This isn’t permanent. I only agreed to do it if it’s just for a few months for this tour, until you come back on board. I’m not going to leave Sugar to be a permanent member of A&E. I couldn’t really say no; the ties run deep here, you know that . . .”
I nod. “I know, I know.”
“I won’t do it if you’re not okay with it. That’s why I wanted to see you. I’m not going to risk our friendship for this; I respect you way too much, man. And just so you know, Ash kept saying that you were coming back.” She gives my hand a quick squeeze.
I swallow and flick my gaze away.
“I appreciate that. I do. I’d much rather it was you than some other asshole. You’ll do fucking great, and I like not having to worry about the replacement trying to oust me for good. I’m fucking back next year. I’ve got some new material I’ve been working on—it’s fuckin’ sweet.”
; She lets out a sigh of relief. “I can’t wait to hear it . . .” She pauses and stares out over the balcony for a few moments. “Vandal, don’t hate Ash so much. He’s got a lot on his plate, and the band is his baby. It’s all he’s got right now.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I don’t want to think about Asher and his problems. I have my own, and his could be much worse. “You gonna be okay jumping into another tour so soon? With new material?”
“Fuck yeah. I got this.”
I push myself away from the wooden railing. “I better get going, I have to ride back up to the lake.”
She stands and walks with me into the house, putting her hand on my back before we reach the front door.
“You could stay,” she hints, her voice sultry. “It’s been a while.”
Measuring my control, I sigh and turn to face her. “We shouldn’t, Syd. Let’s not complicate shit.” I pause and decide to tell her the truth. “Plus, I kinda got someone waiting at home for me.”
Surprise and disappointment dance across her face. “You? Really?”
“It’s still new. We’re trying to figure it out.”
“I think that’s great, Vandal. I really do. You deserve some happiness.”
“No, I really fucking don’t, Syd. I’m a douche.”
She looks me in the eye and shakes her head defiantly. “I’ve known you for a long time. You’re difficult, and you’re fucked up, but you deserve to be happy. Maybe I’ll get to meet her someday?”
Fear courses through me like acid in my veins. “I don’t know. I got a lot of shit to figure out.”
She leans against the doorframe and opens the door for me. “Be good, buddy. Stay in touch, and don’t worry. I’ll make you proud standing in for you.”
“I know you will.”
CHAPTER 15
TABITHA
AS SOON AS he’s gone I run to the guest room like a little kid and open the door, my insides jittery with anticipation of what could be waiting for me. On the middle of the bed are two boxes, one medium and one large, each wrapped in purple matte paper with a big black bow, and a brown suede journal. I’m not sure what to go to first, but curiosity makes me pick up the journal. I sit on the bed and open it to find handwriting on the first page in calligraphy-style writing.
Tabitha,
This will be our journal, and I hope to fill all the pages as our story grows. I’ll write in this book each morning to tell you what I want you to do for me that day, or maybe just tell you something I’m thinking about. I want you to do the same. Tell me how you feel and what you want, and write it in here so I can read it the next day. Sometimes writing thoughts is easier than saying them. This is meant to be a safe communication tool for us, and hopefully, a memoir for us to read back on someday.
On the bed is your first present. I want you to take a shower and use the body soap and shampoo I bought for you. Then put on the items in the box. Take your time and let yourself enjoy everything. I know you will look beautiful.
Then, go to the bedroom and lie on the bed in the waiting position I taught you, and wait for me to come for you.
V
V? What the hell? How long has he known my name? And why have we gone days without using our names? I want to hear him say mine just as much as I want to say his and feel it on my lips. Tonight I’m going to insist he tell me what his name is.
I tear the wrapping off the large box and lift the lid. Pushing the white tissue paper to the side, my breath catches when I see what’s inside. I lift the corset out of the box and hold it up. The man has taste, I’ll give him that. Now it all makes sense and I know why he measured me—he wanted to make sure this would fit my body perfectly. The thought of that causes my sex to flutter and dampen. The idea of a man ordering expensive lingerie for me is crazy erotic, even romantic. The corset is a deep, cherry color, with small roses embroidered into the fabric and black satin side strips. Next I pull black stockings and a garter belt out of the box, and matching panties, the same fabric as the corset. Laying everything on the bed, I open a smaller box that’s nestled inside the larger one. Inside is a necklace made out of black material that looks like webbing with tiny sparkling crystals, and black gem earrings. Holy wow. None of this looks cheap. I lay the necklace down carefully, hoping I don’t get it in a tangled mess. Lastly, I find matching fingerless gloves, and a calligraphy style pen.
I unwrap the medium-sized box to find a myriad of toiletries: shampoo, conditioner, body wash, body oil crème, toothbrush, perfume, and makeup. Once again, all expensive-looking and labeled with brand names that I don’t recognize at all. I take the caps off the bottles and inhale the scent of each one, reveling in the sweet fragrances.
Staring at all these items on the bed, the bigger picture starts to form for me, not only about what he wants and needs, but what I can have. With someone else, I would think this was creepy and scary. But I don’t feel that way with him. This seeps of sensuality and desire, of a lifestyle that could transcend any fantasy I’ve ever had. Just touching the fabric excites me. I’ve never had expensive lingerie like this before. It’s exquisite.
I leave everything in the guest room and close the door behind me to make sure Sterling doesn’t sneak in there and rip anything or get fur on it. For a blind cat, he still manages to get into everything.
Glancing at the clock, I’m disappointed to see it’s not even noon yet. I have a feeling this day will drag just because I am attempting to look forward to something. Not knowing where he went bothers me. Nick would never just leave and not tell me what his plans were.
Oh God. How can I be comparing Nick to him? I choke back the tears that threaten to instantly fall. No. Today is supposed to be a good day. I will not fall apart.
After I give Sterling a quick brushing, I take a long shower using the bath products he picked out especially for me. They each smell like lavender and vanilla, which I once read is supposed to have a calming affect. I leave the conditioner in extra long so my hair will be soft and silky, my mind wandering to how my body trembles when he pulls my hair.
I dry my body off and spread the body oil over my damp skin. It absorbs slowly and sends a warm tingle through me, much like his touch feels. Using my finger, I rub a tiny bit between my legs, between my folds.
Next, I blow my hair out straight and apply a little bit of makeup. I never wear lipstick, but in the makeup bag is a deep red lipstick that matches the corset, so I put it on, assuming he must want me to be wearing it or else it wouldn’t be with the rest of the items.
He said to eat light but I’m so nervous I can’t even think about food without my nerves churning my stomach. To be obedient as promised, I force a few crackers down and sip some apple juice while I stare out the window at the shimmering water. I’d love to go float around in the boat again, but he gave me strict instructions the other day not to go on the lake when he’s not home. I think he’s afraid I’m going to fall out of the boat and drown.
When I can’t stall anymore, I go to the guest bedroom and try to figure out what I’m supposed to put on first. Chewing my lip as I finger all the items, I pick the corset, pulling it up and buttoning the front. It’s tight, but not so much that I can’t breathe. The front barely covers my breasts but pushes them up and together, giving even my small cleavage the appearance of voluptuousness. Next I step into the panties.
The garter belt and stockings are completely foreign to me. Sitting on the bed, very carefully I pull up the black stockings, wiggling them to my thighs and attaching them to the garter belt. I feel incredibly dressed up to still be so naked. Once I have the necklace, earrings, and gloves on, I look at myself in the full-length mirror that’s mounted to the back of the door.
Wow.
I look so . . . different. I don’t think I’ve ever looked sexy before, but with this on, I do. I even feel sexy. Twisting and turning, I look at myself from every angle, loving how curvy I look. How did he know what to pick to make me look this way?
3:45
The roar of his motorcycle soon fills the silence, then the grinding sound of the opening and closing of the garage door. Next, a soft-spoken greeting to Sterling, followed by heavy footsteps in the hall. The bathroom door opens and closes, and the hiss of the shower fills my ears. The sun sets and darkness comes, leaving me in the bedroom with no light.
I continue my breathing exercises, taking slow, deep breaths to calm my suddenly racing heart. The anticipation is like a drug, bringing me higher, taking away all other worries and problems. Nothing exists in this moment except us.
His presence in the room is all I can feel. I don’t move or turn as a match strikes and an amber glow casts seductive dancing shadows on the walls.
I can feel his eyes on me, prowling over every inch of me. Does he like what he sees? Is he disappointed?
“Stand for me.”
A million butterflies take flight in my stomach and soar between my legs as I slowly stand, giving my limbs a moment to wake up.
I stand before him, eyes on the floor, hands clasped, and wait as he circles me slowly like a panther stalking his prey, stopping behind me.
“You look absolutely breathtaking.” His voice is deep and sexy, drenched with raw truth. I never doubt his words because his voice religiously holds so much emotion. Circling again, he stops in front of me.
“How do you feel?”
“I feel beautiful. Thank you.”
“You were made to be dressed this way, to be spoiled with beautiful things.”
He’s completely naked, his cock already hard and glistening in the candlelight. I swallow as he goes to the nightstand and takes out the pearls and ribbon he had the other day.