by Carian Cole
“I miss you,” I say. “So does Sterling.”
“Please don’t do that. I’m upset enough.”
“Just come back home with me then. Don’t throw everything away. I’ll leave you alone; you can have the guest room. Just come back with me.” She bites her lip and looks up at me through the screen, and for a moment I think I’ve broken through her walls. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the accident. I just didn’t know how, and then with each day that went by I was afraid to lose you if I told you. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” I plead with my eyes for her to give me another chance to make this right.
She stares past me at Lukas waiting, and then flicks her attention back to me. “But you did hurt me. A lot. When I was already hurting.”
I put my hand flat on the screen door, wishing I could touch her. “Tabi, I’ve never been in a relationship before. Ever. I’m not trying to make excuses, just telling the truth. I know I’m not good at this and I fucked up royally, but I never meant to hurt you. I can be better—just give me a chance. Didn’t I make you happy at all?” Emotion wells up in me and I’m not used to it at all. Fuck.
She places her hand against mine, the meshy screen between us. “You made me very happy, Vandal. More than you know.”
I swallow hard. “Then let me keep doing it.”
She pulls her hand away, tears sliding down her cheeks. “Please, just give me some time. Can you give me that? My head is really messed up right now.”
No.
“Fine. I’ll be waiting for you; you know that, right? And you’re getting a spanking when you come back,” I tease, trying to make her smile. She does, but it’s a sad smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, and it breaks me.
“Be good, Vandal. Don’t get all destructive and do things you’ll regret, okay? And give Sterling lots of love for me. I have to go now.” More tears spill from her eyes and she quickly closes the door before I can say anything else.
Fuck.
I don’t want to leave. I want to stand by her door until she comes out and lets me take her back home. Closing my eyes, I will her to come back, but she doesn’t.
“Vandal. Come on,” Lukas yells from the street.
I wave my hand at him in annoyance and head to my car, but I break down as soon as I try to get behind the wheel because she’s got the seat shoved so far forward I have to shove it back before I can get in. I can’t face the thought of her never standing on her tiptoes to kiss me again or never feeling her small body tucked up against mine while she sleeps. I can’t face the thought of never again seeing how beautiful she looks kneeling for me and how adorable she looks sitting on the floor playing with Sterling.
I HAVE TO FIX THIS. Somehow, I have to get her back.
It’s been six months, and I’m still waiting.
Two months after Tabi left, Sterling and I moved into a new house closer to the tattoo shop, and I sold the one that I lived in with Katie. It was bittersweet to sell it, but the memories were too painful for me to stay there.
Every day, I send Tabitha a text to tell her I miss her, or to say hello, or to say good night. Sometimes she replies, but it’s always short. I’ll take what I can get, though. At least she’s not telling me to go fuck myself.
Aria told me that if you picture something in your mind enough, you can manifest it into your life. I have a picture in my mind of me, Tabi, and Sterling living in a beautiful home, with a photography studio for her and a sex room filled with lots of toys, a nice yard with lots of little whimsical statues, a koi pond, candlelit dinners, lots of laughter, and no more secrets. The house I bought is everything I wanted and everything I know she would love. It’s pretty barren inside for now, because I want to wait for her to decorate and furnish it with me so it’s her home, too. I don’t care though, I can sit around without a lot of furniture. Years ago I slept on the floor for months, so I can do this no sweat. My hope is someday, she’ll live here with me. Until then, we’ll wait.
ASHER LET me and Sydni split the tour so I could play some of the concerts, and it worked out great for everyone. Being on stage was like therapy for me, and so is working at the tattoo shop with Lukas again. I feel like I belong for once and have spent a little more time with my cousins getting to know them. Much to Asher and Storm’s dismay, the Get Vandalized! T-shirts have way outsold any of the other band T-shirts. I like to rub this in their faces every chance I get.
WHEN TABI LEFT, I realized once again that I was at a fork in the road of my life. I could choose the road of self-destruction, which is the road I’ve always taken, or I could take the road that is smoother, straighter, and well-lit.
If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.
Lukas said those words to me not long ago, urging me to choose the smooth road for once. Staying straight and sober, focusing on putting my life back together again, has definitely turned out much better than hacking my flesh and getting wasted every day.
I MISS Tabitha so much it literally hurts, but I’m giving her the space she asked for. I didn’t think it would stretch out to six fucking months so far, but I’m doing the best I can, dealing with it. I’ve turned down all sexual advances from the Sugar Kiss chicks and other random hook-ups, staying true to my commitment to her. I’ve never jerked off so much in my entire friggin’ life, but I refuse to break the commitment we made to each other. Until she can look me in the eye and tell me goodbye forever, I consider myself hers. I hope she’s doing the same.
I STALK her new photography website and social media page more than I should, hoping I don’t turn into a raging lunatic if I ever see her mention another guy or see any flirting, but thankfully, I haven’t. Ivy told me that Tabi opened a photography studio in town and purchased some new equipment, and I hope she used some of the money that I had sent to her a few months ago. We had a text fight over that, but I promised her when we first met that if she ever had to leave, I would make sure she was okay financially. She takes some amazing photographs and I couldn’t be more proud of her for following her dreams. Even if she doesn’t come back to me, I still want her to be happy.
ALL I CAN DO IS WAIT. And hope. And wait.
And wait some more.
CHAPTER 26
TABITHA
ITS STRANGE how when you’re hurt, you think nothing could ever hurt this much again. But that’s not true. When Nick died, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling a pain like that again. But leaving Vandal not only ripped my heart out, but ripped half my soul out, too. It was a different type of pain than I felt when I lost Nick, but it was just as bad. In some ways I had a deeper connection with Vandal. Maybe because he made me feel like he needed me. While I know Nick loved me, he never really made me feel needed. He wasn’t the damaged, tortured man that Vandal is, and in a lot of ways, that tugged at my heart.
Maybe it was the pain of all of it combined that did me in. Losing Nick. The fight with Vandal. Struggling with my own guilt. Falling in love with Vandal. Leaving Vandal. Trying to figure out who the hell I was and what I wanted, and what kind of person I had become.
I cracked like an egg.
I WAS off the grid so long my mother came looking for me. And then promptly had me meeting with a psychologist twice per week, who I finally talked about the accident to. I told her how Nick and Renee died instantly, Vandal was unconscious, but while we waited for the ambulance to come, I was conscious, and so was Katie. I crawled out of the car, bleeding and confused. I saw things no one should ever see. I heard the crying. I will never not hear the crying. I tried to crawl to the crying and came across artwork in the road. I wondered why artwork was in the road, and why it was bumpy. Only it wasn’t the road at all -- it was Vandal lying in the road, and I was staring at his tattooed arm and chest. Then the crying stopped, and I was left alone with the bloody artwork, and I was scared until his hand slowly moved and touched mine and didn’t let go until the ambulance came and the paramedics pulled us apart. I think he became min
e right then.
I can never tell him what I remember, but I will never, ever forget.
I didn’t tell the therapist about the D/s part of my relationship with Vandal. I know she would think it was abusive, but mostly, I just wanted to keep that part of my life private. I also didn’t tell her all of my secrets, because I’m still too scared to admit them.
I sold the house and found a small apartment near my new studio. I couldn’t bring myself to buy a house, because a certain long-haired, sexy man that refused to give up had texted me photos of my dream house, with a cute little blind cat curled up on a cushioned window seat overlooking a pond. Come home to us, he texted with the photos, and I wanted to jump in my car and drive right over, but I held back. I wasn’t ready yet.
Lara asked me if I could possibly forgive him. And after much thinking and soul searching, I realized I didn’t have to forgive him. The accident changed us. He was a victim, just like the rest of us. He should have told me who he was, but now I understand his reasons for not telling me all too well. None of us are perfect, and we all do things we’re not proud of when we’re scared, hurt, and upset. I know that better than anyone else.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking of him. Every morning, I want to kiss him. I miss him bathing me. I miss having breakfast with him. I miss the sex, the submission, and the control. I miss his voice. I miss his eyes and his smile. I miss Sterling. I miss hearing his music and the way it floated into me. I miss feeling loved, cherished, and desired. I miss us, and what we could have been with more time.
I tried to distract myself, but my thoughts always went back to him. I always wanted to call him to share my day with him, and hear him tell me about his.
Lara and I went to one of his concerts, and it was amazing watching him on stage. I enjoyed seeing girls flirt with him and watching him walk away from them, even though he didn’t know I was there. He still loves me. After that, I finally came to terms with the fact that I was truly in love with this guy and I wanted him in my life, no matter what. I just didn’t know how to fix all the wrongs we created.
HE TEXTS ME, once every day. I save them all so I can keep reading them.
Good morning, sunshine
I fucking miss you
Hope you’re having a great day
Sterling just barfed. I stepped in it. I know you’re laughing.
I miss waking up to you
Good night, Tabicat
I wish you were here
You will love this house.
Come home
Lukas says hi
Migraine all day :(
Piper showed me the pix. So proud of you.
My cock misses you
Do you ever think of me?
I miss your eyes
I hope you’re eating
Sweet dreams, Tabicat
I hope you call me someday
I hardly smile without you
You were the best part of my day
Are you getting these?
You’re still mine. I will spank you again.
One day, Asher saunters into my photography studio as I’m looking through a catalog of backdrops I want to order. I’d met him once before when I took some photos for the band website, but it was brief and we didn’t really talk, so I’m not sure why he’s here today.
“Hi . . .” I say. “What’s up?”
He’s tall and muscular, wearing an old tattered leather cowboy hat over his long wavy brown hair.
“Time’s up,” he says, studying the various photos on the wall, not looking at me.
I furrow my brow at him. “Excuse me?”
“We wait for love to come to us when the time is right; we don’t make love wait for us to decide.”
“Um, what?”
He walks towards the front window of the studio and then spins on his heel to look at me, the sun catching the gem that’s embedded in a skeleton key around his neck, shooting a ray of light directly in my face. I hold my hand up to shield my eyes from it.
“Stop wasting time. You’ve got his love, go get it,” he says.
I blink the sunspots from my vision, but he’s gone.
Don’t make love wait.
As odd as that encounter was, his words burn into my brain, and I know he’s right. It’s time.
I need to get Vandal back before I lose him forever.
CHAPTER 27
VANDAL
“I’M HERE AGAIN,” I say, placing a teddy bear on the headstone. Most of the bears I’ve left are gone. I’m not sure if they blow away, or if the caretaker takes them after a while and trashes them. I try not to think about where they go.
“Happy birthday, baby girl.”
I wipe my eyes and lie on the ground in front of the headstone. What I wouldn’t do to have her here, to see her dressed up in a special birthday dress, blowing out candles like little girls should.
I come here about once a month now. I’m learning to feel close to her in other places, but still feel the pull to come here, too. She’s helped me be the man I should have been a long time ago.
I haven’t cut myself or had a drink in a long time. If Gram is right and Katie’s watching over me, I want her to see a good man that deserves her. No matter what, I’ll always be her father, and I want Katie’s dad to be someone she would look up to, not be ashamed of. And I want to be a man that Tabi could spend her life with.
The sun is warm on my face and birds are chirping in the trees, and I hope that wherever my little girl is, it’s as pretty as it is here today.
“Hey.”
Looking around, disoriented, I see her leaning against the big oak tree. My tree. Oh, God. She’s here.
I stand and brush the leaves off my legs, blinking to make sure I’m not daydreaming. She’s still there. Slowly I walk over to her, trying to think of something to say to break the ice, but my mind is a total blank. I stop in front of her and just look at her, taking her in. Her eyes are bright and happy, and she’s not as boney. She’s wearing jeans and a black T-shirt with the sleeves and neck cut, and my heart stops when I see the red slashy writing on it.
Got Vandalized!
I let out a little laugh. “You’re wearing one of my shirts, but it’s got a typo.”
“Evie had it made for me. I felt it was appropriate.” She smiles shyly up at me, the sun dazzling in her eyes. If she’s been talking to Evie and Ivy, that means she’s still staying close and she hasn’t cut ties with the people in my life. I have to believe she’s staying close to them for a reason. My pulse quickens when I see she’s also still wearing the necklace I gave her.
“You never took it off?” I ask, my eyes on her throat.
She tilts her head. “How could I? You’ve got the key.”
“It’s in my pocket. I always have it with me.” I meet her blue gaze. Shit. Please don’t ask for it. “You could have taken it off yourself.”
“No, I couldn’t. And I won’t. Only you can do that.”
“Did you track me down to take it off?”
“Nope,” she says simply.
“Why are you here, then?”
“For closure,” she answers, making my heart sink.
I swallow hard. “With me?”
She shakes her head no, and I nod, understanding. Hope rises in my chest and spreads a foreign smile across my lips.
“This isn’t going to be easy, Vandal,” she says softly. “We have a lot of baggage.” I nod in agreement. “It’s going to take a lot of work for us to clean up the mess we made . . . but it’s our mess. I’m okay with there still being some D/s in our relationship, but I need a little more from you. A little less caveman, okay?” she asks, and I nod again. “I need you to show me your emotions. You can’t just use sex and control all the time.”
“I can work on that.” I take a deep breath. “I miss you so fucking much, Tabi. But I’ve been good while you’ve been gone. If you came back, I wanted you to come back to something better, something you deserve.”
>
She reaches for my hand, but a hint of sadness fills her eyes. “I want you to have someone you deserve, too. I want you back in my life, but-”
“I want you, too,” I interrupt, pulling her closer. “That’s all that fucking matters. We’ll take it slow. You can teach me how to date, and I’ll teach you how to cook.” Her hand squeezes mine tighter and she nods slowly, a smile spreading across her face. “I’m in this for the long haul, baby. Good and bad, up and down, and everything in between,” I take a deep breath. “I love you.”
Her breath catches. “You used to have a real hard time saying that. That hurt me a lot.”
“I’ve never said it to anyone before. I guess it took me a while to trust that it was real. But now I know it is; it just keeps getting stronger.”
She goes up on her toes and kisses my lips very softy. “It’s about time. I want to forget about the past and what happened to us, Vandal. Can we really do that?”
“I don’t think we can ever forget. But maybe together we can move forward from it together?”
She stares into my eyes, but hesitates before answering. “Yes. Let’s just move forward and be happy.”
“You wanna go for a ride?” I whisper, stroking my thumb across her cheek.
“Yes,” her voice cracks a little. “Take me away from here.”
That’s all I need to hear. She’s mine.
I lean down and kiss her lips, loving the taste of her again, and pull her against me where she fits perfectly. She wraps her arms around my neck tight, as if she never wants to let go, and nothing has ever felt so good to me. I kiss her deeper, our tongues dancing, breath quickening. Pulling away from her mouth, I look into the eyes I’m going to be looking at for a very long time.