by Carian Cole
He reaches around and rubs my clit in perfect timing with his thrusts, and it’s not long before I can’t take anymore.
“Lukas . . .” I moan lowly, giving in to the cascade of pleasure that flows over me, arching my back against him, taking him deeper.
“That’s my girl,” he whispers, running his hand down my spine, and I feel him jetting inside me. “I love you so much.”
My mind spins in the midst of orgasm. It’s the first time he’s ever said those words, and the fact that it just came out of him naturally when he felt it, and he didn’t make some sort of event out of it, means the world to me. I don’t care that he said it while he was making love to me on the kitchen table. All that matters is that he said it, and I know with all my heart that he meant it.
I love him, too. Without a doubt.
“I feel really weird having sex with you here, in this house,” I say as we’re getting dressed.
“I’m not a big fan of it, either.” He zips his jeans up. “It feels way fucking awkward.”
“I’m sorry. We’ve been talking to the lawyers and trying to figure out what to do with the house. I can’t really afford to live here alone much longer.”
He hands me my shirt. “You could move in with me.”
Pulling the shirt over my head, I look at him like he’s got five heads. “What? With you?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Lukas, I’ve got the kids.”
“So? I have two extra bedrooms. There are three bathrooms.”
“It’s on top of a tattoo studio. It was a church.”
“Why does that matter? That’s where I work. I own the building and everything in it. Do you know how bad I’ve always wanted a unique place like that? Me finding it when Vandal and I were looking for a place for the shop was a friggen’ miracle.”
“I know . . . and it’s a beautiful place. But there’s no yard for Tommy to play in.”
“There’s a park right across the street we can take him to.”
“There’s also a cemetery right next door.”
He shrugs. “So? It’s not spooky at all. It’s grounding. Where there’s life, there’s death. We can’t hide him from it, Ivy.”
“Don’t you have half-naked women in that place?” I ask him, churning the pros and cons in my head.
“Ivy, I have customers that come in to get tattoos. They don’t come in naked. It’s not a sex club.”
“I don’t know,” I say skeptically. “I’m not sure if it’s a good place for a child to be.”
“The bedrooms are huge, so is the living room. Tommy can teach Ray new words. There’s a finished basement you haven’t even seen, with another bathroom, and it could either be a playroom or another bedroom down there.”
“You have gargoyle statues everywhere. It’s a bit creepy for a little boy.”
He pulls me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “Is that what you think?” he asks.
I lean my chin against his chest and look up at him. “A little bit, yes.”
“Do you want to know why I collect gargoyles?”
“Of course. I want to know everything about you.”
He weaves his fingers through my hair as he talks, making my scalp tingle. “When I was really young, I had nightmares. I’ve always had problems sleeping, like insomnia, nightmares, that sort of thing. My great-grandfather gave me an old statue of a gargoyle and put it on my dresser, and he told me it would protect me while I was sleeping, so I’ve collected them over the years and keep them in the bedrooms.”
Whenever Lukas talks about his past, I want to crawl inside him and find the little boy who still lives there and hug him. His childhood, although sad, has truly made him the wonderful man he is today. I’ve never met a person with so much depth, who is so in tune with who they are and where they came from.
I wind my arms around his neck and pull his head down to me. “You are an amazing person,” I tell him. “Being with you is like reading a book I can’t put down, and every page gets better and better.”
He kisses my nose. “Think about moving in with me. I would love to have you and the kids there.”
“Are we really talking about marriage and living together?” Things are happening so fast, but everything feels so right with him.
“Yes, Ivy, we are.”
I let out a deep breath and stare up at him, thinking.
“What?” he asks me. “You have doubts? About me? Still? We’ve been dating for months. ”
I chew my lip and contemplate my answer. “No, not you really. You’re just young. It’s a lot all at once . . . marriage and two kids all of a sudden.”
“You and this fucking age stuff, Ivy.” He shakes his head slowly. “You need to get over it. I’m not a kid. I grew up a lot faster than most guys my age. I know what I want. I’ve wanted to have my own family for a long time. I want to be married. I can take care of you. I have money and a successful career. I don’t fuck around. I love kids, and I love you. I can’t change my age. What do you want to do? Wait until I’m thirty? Thirty-five?”
“No, no, of course not. I want you now. I’m just worried . . . I’ll be forty when you’re twenty-eight.”
“So? You don’t look or act thirty-six. You’re cute, you’ve got a great body, and you’re fun. You actually look closer to my age than you think. You have a warped perception of yourself, and you’re stuck on numbers. We get along great, and we want the same things . . . our ages aren’t going to change that. Let it go. I’ve gone slow with you like you asked, but at this rate, I’ll be old and gray myself before you finally just accept our age difference.”
I try to pull away from him, but he holds on to me tightly. “No running away.” It’s a soft command, but I know he’s serious. “Let me be a man, Ivy. You gotta take me as I am or not at all. I’m always gonna be younger than you. Sorry, but it’s true. I’m always gonna have tattoos. I’m always gonna be an artist. I’ll probably always have long hair.” He runs his hands up my arms and squeezes my shoulders. “And I’m always going to want what I want. I want to be married, and I want it to be with you. I know myself. I’m not going to change. I’m not going to take off with some young chick. Accept that I know myself. Your heart will always be safe with me.”
“You always say the right thing.”
“They’re not just words, doll. It’s all real. You just hafta let yourself accept it.”
God, this man, where did he come from?
CHAPTER 21
IVY
BZZZ
Bzzz
I sit up in bed, my brain foggy with sleep, and reach for my cell phone on the nightstand. Lukas’ name is lit up on the screen. I squint at the blue neon numbers on my digital click—two-thirty A.M.
Grabbing the phone, I swipe my finger across the screen, wondering why he would be calling so late.
“Lukas?”
“Ivy . . .” His voice pitches and cracks. “I need you . . .” He takes a deep shuddering breath, and my heart drops to my stomach. He’s crying.
“What’s wrong? Where are you?” I throw the covers off and turn on the bedside lamp, grabbing my clothes off the chair in the corner.
His breathing is heavy and congested, muffling the phone. “At the hospital . . . there was an accident . . .” He sniffs and chokes. “Oh my God, Ivy . . .” He whimpers my name, agony stripping his voice of its usual deep rasp.
Cold fear rips through me as goosebumps break out on my flesh. “Are you all right? I’ll leave now . . .” I yank my jeans on, cradling the phone against my shoulder.
“It’s Vandal . . . he was in an accident. Katie’s gone . . . Ivy, she’s gone . . .” He sobs into the phone. I freeze, horrified, and grab onto the dresser to steady myself. Katie . . . Oh, dear God, no.
“Sweetie, I’m on my way there. Okay? I’ll be there as fast as I can.” I fight back the tears that well up in my eyes and try to keep my voice level. “I’ll be right there.”
He doesn’t say goodb
ye, but I hear a thump, as if he just dropped the phone.
I finish dressing as quickly as I can and run to Macy’s room.
“Macy, wake up.” I shake her gently.
“Mom? What’s wrong?” She wakes quickly, and her eyes go wide with worry as she focuses on me in the dark room.
“Vandal’s been in an accident. I need to go to the hospital. You have to stay here with Tommy, all right? Don’t leave this house until I come back home.”
She sits up. “Is he okay? Is Lukas okay?”
“I don’t know . . . Lukas is okay, but I need to be there for him.” I can’t tell my daughter that little Katie is gone. How can that even be true? I can’t wrap my head around it. Just a few weeks ago we all spent the weekend at Lukas’ house while he babysat for Vandal. Macy painted Katie’s nails bright pink with tiny white hearts, and she was so excited. My God, how can this be happening? She’s just a little girl. I cover my mouth with my hand and turn away from my daughter.
“Mom?”
Forcing the tears back, I shake my head. “I need to go. I’ll call you, but please stay here with your brother.”
She nods somberly. “I will. I promise.”
As I get into my car, I realize I don’t even know which hospital Lukas is at, but there’s only one big hospital nearby, so that’s the one I head toward. Hot tears stream down my face as I drive, blurring the road. I’m speeding, but I don’t care; I have to get to him. Maybe I misunderstood him. He was crying and not speaking coherently. I must have heard him incorrectly. Katie has to be fine.
When I reach the hospital, the visitor’s lot is practically empty, but I see Lukas’ Corvette near the main entrance and pull my car in next to it. I’m almost to the glass doors of the hospital foyer when I see him sitting on a bench a few feet away, doubled over, with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. I run to him and drop to my knees on the icy lawn in front of him, wrapping my arms around him.
“I got here as fast as I could,” I say softly, stroking his back as his entire body trembles.
He clings to me, leaning his head on my shoulder. “Oh, God, Ivy . . . I can’t . . .” He swallows hard.
My heart aches and shatters for him, his beautiful soul so broken. “Tell me what I can do for you.” I kiss his wet cheek and hug him to me tighter. “We’ll get through this together. I promise.”
He lifts his head and shakes it slowly, his eyes dark and glazed, seeing things I can’t see. “Katie’s gone . . . Vandal’s hurt pretty bad.” A deep sob robs him of his breath, and he chokes, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “They were in a head-on collision. He had a girl in the car with him, but she’s didn’t make it . . . neither did the other driver.” His eyes finally meet mine. “It’s a fucking nightmare. He’s a mess, but he doesn’t know yet . . . about Katie.” His body shudders again saying her name.
Oh God.
I take his hands in mine. “Is anyone else here? Your family?”
“They’re on their way. I couldn’t see Vandal yet . . . I need a minute. . . . and then I need to go back in . . . they want me to answer questions . . . about them. I just had to get some air.”
I take some tissues out of my bag and wipe his face like I do to Tommy. I feel so helpless. What can I possibly say or do to comfort him?
“Can I call anyone, or get you anything?” I can’t hold back my tears anymore.
He takes the tissue from me and blows his nose. “Please, just stay with me.”
“Of course. I’m not going anywhere.” I brush his hair out of his face and caress his cheek. “I love you. I’ll do anything for you.”
He grabs me and pulls me to him so tight that he squeezes the breath out of me. “I love you, too.” Taking my hand in his, he stands and pulls me with him. “I need to go inside and take care of this. My brother needs me.”
Lukas transforms the moment he steps foot in the hospital. He’s calm, composed, in control. I stand by his side, silently supportive, his hand never letting go of mine as he meets with police officers and doctors. I’m amazed at the amount of information he has about his brother and niece—their birth dates, blood types, medical histories, Katie’s mother’s name and number, the name of Vandal’s girlfriend. All memorized.
His cousins from the band begin to arrive, and there is chaos in the waiting room as they find out their niece has tragically died. Storm and Evie huddle in a corner and cry. Mikah is pacing, yelling, “What the fuck did he do this time?” while Talon trails after him trying to calm him down. Asher arrives with a gorgeous older woman I assume to be Aria, Lukas’ aunt, who I haven’t met in person yet. They approach us, teary-eyed, and Lukas fills them in with what little he knows.
“I’m going to call our manager and lawyer,” Asher says. “Have they let you see Vandal at all yet? Is he talking?”
Lukas shakes his head. “Not yet. I think he’s still unconscious. No one will give me a fucking straight answer, except to say that he’s going to be all right, but he’s banged up good. Apparently, he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and was thrown from the car.”
Asher winces. “This will gut him and send him right over the fucking edge. We have to make sure the doctors let one of us tell him about Katie. If he hears this from a stranger, he’s liable to strangle someone.”
“I’m not leaving until I can be with him,” Lukas says.
“I’m staying here with you, Lukas,” Aria says, dabbing her eyes. “We’ll tell him together. I’m not leaving you boys to deal with all this alone. Ronnie is on his way here, too.”
I wish I wasn’t meeting Lukas’ family in the midst of a family tragedy. For weeks, we’ve been talking about getting together with his aunt, uncle, and Gram for dinner, but haven’t been able to find a good time. Now, here I am meeting them during a horrific time. I wonder if I should leave them alone to talk, but he holds on to my hand so tightly that it hurts. I refuse to let go. He can crush the bones in my fingers if it makes him feel better. I’m not letting go of him.
Time drags as we all wait in a large private lounge that the nurses moved us into, and soon, the sun is coming up. Lukas and I napped for a short time earlier, leaning against each other on a small couch.
“You should go home and be with the kids,” he says softly. “I’ll stay here and keep you updated.”
“I don’t want to leave you—”
He kisses my lips quickly. “I’ll be okay. I can’t thank you enough for being here this long. He’ll be awake soon, and we’re going to have to deal with that. I promise I’ll call you as soon as I know anything more.”
“Do you want me to bring you something before I leave? Coffee? I could go get you guys some breakfast?”
“I can’t eat anything, but thank you, babe.” He holds my coat out so I can slip into it, and then wraps his arms around me. I hug him tightly, wishing I could steal all his pain away from him.
“If you need or want anything, you call me.” I comb my fingers through his rumpled hair. “I mean it. I don’t mind sitting here with you all day.”
“I know, and that means so much to me. You have no idea. The next few days are going to be even harder. I can’t . . .” His voice catches, and he bows his head down, taking a quick breath. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
I hold his head against mine, my hands wrapping around to clasp behind his neck. “I know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I know how much you loved her. I did, too.”
He lifts his head to meet my eyes, biting his lip. “You should go now. Text me when you get home so I know you’re okay.”
When I get in my car I find another tiny black feather on my car seat. Picking it up, I put it in my pocket so I can put it with the others I’ve found that are in a tiny velvet pouch in my nightstand. I drive home in a total daze, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I debate turning around and going right back to stay with Lukas, but wonder if maybe, as much as he needed me there, that he also needs to be alone with his brother, too. My heart aches, thinking of Vandal
and poor little Katie, and the other victims of the crash. What a horrible reminder of how precious and fragile life is.
I steel myself for the hard road ahead. Seeing Lukas crumble, and then become a rock for his family, exposed layers of him I haven’t seen before. He proved himself someone to be counted on in an emergency, with a level head and quick thinking, but inside, he was falling apart, his heart breaking for his little princess, as he called her. I worry that hiding and suppressing his own emotions will take a toll on Lukas emotionally and spark up his past depression.
I have to admit to myself that Lukas was right. He’s mature beyond his years, and he’s more of a man than I could ever hope to have in my and my children’s lives.
CHAPTER 22
LUKAS
I BATTLED intense grief at a very young age. It nearly consumed me and almost turned me into a dark shadow slithering throughout my young life. Since losing Katie, I can feel those demons whispering to me again, luring me back into their fold, but I refuse to let them drag me back down into that dark hole. I have to try to focus on the positives in my life. And while those demons definitely have their gnarly claws in my brother right now, I know he has to fight them on his own. I’ve helped him as much as I can the past few months, and now, I have to sit back and hope he finds his way out on the other side of his grief. If I continue to let it all eat at me, I risk losing everything I’ve worked so hard for.
Easier said than done, to watch someone you love be hurt, while hurting themselves even more in the process. Even harder when they don’t accept your help.
“I’m going to propose,” I tell Finn once he’s settled in my tattoo chair and under my gun, so he can’t freak out too badly at the news.
“Wow,” he says. “I’m flattered, dude, but I don’t like you in that way.”