by Carian Cole
NO BEGINNING, NO END, JUST NOW…
"How are you two doing?" she repeats.
I shrug a little and play with my earring. "We're doing okay."
"That sounds less than enthusiastic. Tell me what's happening, and let's see what we can sort out."
"To be honest, I'm not sure how to even explain it. We mostly get along pretty well. We have a lot of fun together. He always makes me laugh. Sometimes he does something that makes me angry, but it's never intentional, it's more learning what the other likes."
Her pen flies over her notepad. "That all sounds good."
My fingers pull at a stray thread on the knee of my jeans. "My feelings have changed a lot since the beginning. I really care about him now, and I think I'm honestly falling for him. There's something really unique and charming about him. Annoying too…but I just feel this pull to him, for lack of a better word."
"Excellent."
"Yeah, except I don't think he feels the same way. He's affectionate and giving, but I don't think he's actually falling in love with me. I think he kinda wants to have fun and have sex and basically have a physical friendship. He never really talks about his feelings other than to say he wants it to work, but I would like to hear more about how he feels about me." I meet her eyes on the screen. "Has he said anything to you?"
"Asia, honey, you know I’m not allowed to tell you anything he says."
"Not even a hint?" I try to give her my sad puppy eyes.
She shakes her head with a sympathetic frown. "I'm sorry, those are the rules we set. The chats and journals have to be confidential."
I scowl at her. "Well, that sucks."
"Why don't you just ask him? Communication is important, Asia."
"I'm not going to ask him if he loves me. If he says no, I'll die. I can't take hearing that."
"And what if he says yes?"
"I really doubt it, Dr. H."
She scans her notes, flipping pages back. "Have you two had intercourse?"
"No."
"Is that because there is no attraction, or because you are still waiting for assurance that you are both falling in love?"
"There's definitely attraction now from my side. I'm not sure about him. He made it clear I wasn't his type at first, but he’s constantly touching me, kissing me, grabbing me, and trying to get me to sleep with him. He sends a lot of mixed signals. But yeah, I guess the only real thing stopping us from having sex is me."
"Are you as physical with him as you just described to me that he is with you?"
Dr. Hollister is so evil, asking these personal questions. The initial interviews to get into this experiment were not nearly this awkward and embarrassing. "No, not really."
"Do you want to share with me why that is?"
"Well, I don't want to lead him on, obviously. I don't want to be a tease."
She removes her glasses and puts them on the top of her auburn hair. "There are a lot of things you could be doing, intimately, without having actual intercourse, Asia. Maybe that's what he needs. He could possibly, just maybe, be assuming you don't have feelings for him because you're not giving him the type of attention he requires. Just like you feel he's not giving you what you need." She flashes me a sly little smile and then looks down at her notes again.
Did she just throw me a bone?
I nod slowly. "Yes. You could be right.”
"This is what I do, after all… I think you both need to give a little, let your walls down some. You are married, after all, and intimacy is important in a marriage. While I completely respect you trying to guard your heart and body, I have a feeling that making love with him is only going to bring you closer together. And, at this point, it sounds like, whether you sleep with him or not, if things don't work out as we all hope, you’re still going to walk away heartbroken. However, it would be a shame if you had to question yourself afterward that maybe things didn't go as well as they should have because you both left this huge, important part out of your marriage. The whole idea of this experiment is to put yourself into it one hundred percent."
I nod reluctantly. "Yes, you’re right about that. If things ended tomorrow, I would miss him and feel a huge loss. The last thing I want is to drive him away from me or put a wedge between us."
"Then I think you need to try to spice things up a little, see how it goes. Try to remember you both answered a lot of intimate, personal questions in your written interviews, and we had our reasons when we put you together. I know it might not seem obvious to you right now, but try to trust us, okay?"
"I will. I'm sorry if we’ve been difficult for you."
She waves her hand at me. "Don't you dare apologize. That's what this is all about. You two are our most unique couple in the experiment, and you both have been incredibly honest in your chats. So, thank you for that. I know it’s uncomfortable for you at times."
"Well, thank you for being so understanding and for helping us," I say. "Hopefully next time you and I chat, I'll have better news to report."
After the chat, I run downstairs to switch the laundry, and on my way into the laundry room, I pass by Talon's work-out room. There on the bench is his journal, open. I creep slowly into the room, biting my lip as I debate what I'm about to do. Do it. Don't do it. Do it! Don't do it! Do it! Just a peek…
I pick up the soft, leather journal, a smile passing over my lips that we both chose to handwrite our journals rather than typing them into an app. Our journals are similar in texture and style, even though we purchased them before the wedding.
Taking a deep breath, I decide I'll just read the most recent page. That's it.
I DON'T KNOW how to break through the walls she has up. I know she's scared. I know I've fucked up a little. But I've tried to make up for the shit I've done. I'm not good at talking about my feelings. I try to show them, but I'm not sure it's working. It's like she's f'n clueless about how much she already means to me. I wish she would do something, anything, to show me that she wants me. I did this to feel wanted and loved for who I am and what I can give, but fuck, I'm lost. I know she cares about me, but I'm struggling with getting closer to her. I've never been the touchy-feely type, but somehow she's got me doing that stuff. But I want more. Maybe I'm a dick, but sex is important to me. It's just important in a different way with her. I have no f'n idea what I'm even saying anymore. I'm afraid the longer this goes on, we're never going to be more than roommates that tease each other sometimes. I'm not sure where my wife is in all this or how to get her to come out.
My eyes blur with tears as I stare at his words in his unique scribbly handwriting. With a shaking hand, I put the journal back exactly where I found it and quickly leave the room.
I had no idea he felt that way.
And here I thought he was friend-zoning me most of the time.
This really proves so much to me that we have a long way to go in our marriage. We're both so confused and obviously have a huge communication problem.
Now I'm on a mission, I just have to find a way to accomplish it the right way. What can I do to show him I want him? And prove to him that I'm not a little puppyfuck? It would have to be something special. Something with a bit of a shock factor.
Like a bang factor. Just a little less bang.
22
TALON
I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED that magical things happen in the night while we're sleeping. I attribute this to the fact that when we were little kids, Gram would tuck us all in and tell us to go to sleep so the things that lived in the dark could come out and play and whisper dreams into our ears while we slept.
Tonight, I awake at three a.m. to the most incredible soft warmth wrapped around my cock. I only know the time because the clock on the nightstand projects digital purple numbers onto the bedroom ceiling. At first, I think I'm dreaming, but when I gaze down the bed, I see her, kneeling between my legs, her long, silky hair flowing over my thighs, her lips raining the softest of kisses up and down my shaft. My second thought is that she must
be dreaming and she's sleep-sucking me, and I think maybe I should wake her. But what is that saying about not rousing a person sleepwalking?
I touch the side of her head gently and whisper, "Baby…"
A sexy moan vibrates around my cock in response, and my head falls back against my pillow.
Oh God, she's really awake.
My mind races back to the moments before we fell asleep. What did I do or say to entice her to finally touch me on her own? I come up blank.
I don't fucking care. All I know is her tongue feels like wet velvet swirling the tip of my cock while her nails dig into my thighs. The more she licks and sucks me, a tingly sensation cascades over my shaft that's both hot and cold, amplifying the ecstasy of her mouth. Fuck me, she's got some kind of sorcery on her lips that's driving my dick wild.
Fisting a handful of her hair, I lift it away from her face so I can watch her as she goes down on me, mesmerized by the sight of the first few inches of my cock disappearing into her sweet mouth. She sucks me like she does everything else, soft and sweet at first with moments of teasing. As she works up to taking me deeper, her teeth lightly graze the sides, tantalizing me. I smile down at her, impressed that she remembered I told her that's what I like.
Realizing there's no way she's getting all of me into her mouth, she grasps the base of my cock, wrapping her hand around me and moving it up and down in perfect unison with her mouth, creating a long, wet tunnel for me to slide in and out of.
Usually, I could go at it in a chick's mouth for hours, but her mouth feels so fucking perfect feasting on me, mixed with that crazy icy-hot sensation she's got going on with her lips that I'm ready to blast already.
My other hand flies down to grip the other side of her head as my cock explodes in her mouth without much warning. I silently pray she's not a choker, but she swallows me down and continues to suck and lap at my cock as the ripples of pleasure slowly subside and the erotic haze clears from my brain.
Leaning up, I grab her and haul her up onto my chest, devouring her mouth, tasting cold mintiness on her lips mixed with the taste of me.
"Holy shit, baby, if we weren't already married, I'd fucking marry you right now." I kiss her deeper, my hands sliding down her body to cup her ass in the bikini panties she's got on. "That felt amazing," I breathe against her cheek. "What the fuck is on your lips? It feels insane."
She smiles shyly, clasping her hands tightly behind my neck. "Just a special lip balm I made."
"I love it." My mouth captures hers again, and my hands are itching to rip off her T-shirt and panties and fuck her seven ways to Sunday right now, but I stop myself, not wanting to do anything to screw up this moment, like I seem to do every time. She just made a huge leap out of her comfort zone to give me the best blow job of my life, so I'm not going to push my luck. Instead, I hold her and kiss her, letting my hands slowly roam over her body, learning the curves of her figure she's been hiding from me for way too long.
"You're the best surprise I've ever had," I whisper, stroking my knuckles across her cheek. She gazes up at me with those huge, mystical eyes and starts to cry, her hands clutching my shoulders.
"Baby, what's wrong?" I kiss the tears from her cheeks. "Don't cry. It guts me to see you sad."
She leans her forehead against mine. "I'm not sad, Tally. I just want us to be like this always."
With one swift movement, I roll her over so she's beneath me and rest my arms on either side of her head, my face inches from hers. "We're never gonna be perfect, baby, but we'll always be like this. Whatever this is between us, it's always gonna be here. I promise you."
"How do you know that?"
"I feel it in my bones. This is us."
Her legs part, allowing my body to settle between them, my cock pressing against her heat through the thin material of her panties. I can't believe I've been with her for two months and this is the first time I've been able to lie fully on top of her. Her hands go around my back, slowly sliding down my spine as I kiss her neck, gently sucking, the need to devour her and fill every part of her simmering just under the surface of my sanity.
"It feels so good to have you touch me," I murmur as she wraps a leg around mine and rubs her foot lazily up and down my calf. "You have no idea how much I've been wanting to feel your touch like that."
"It feels good to be touching you," she whispers. "You almost don't seem real." Her hands glide over my ribs, up around my shoulders, then down my arms and back up again, repeating that same path all the way down to the base of my spine. The softness of her touch reaches way beyond muscles, ink, skin, and bone and touches my very soul. Now I know why Asher, Lukas, Storm, and Vandal lost their minds for their girls. There is nothing in the universe that comes close to this feeling.
"Are you shaking?" she asks, kissing my chest and peering up into my face.
"Yeah, I think I am."
"Why? Are you okay?"
"I want to be everything you need me to be. I just don't know how. I'm constantly fucking up."
"Talon, no, you're not. You do so much right, you don't even know."
She pulls my head down to kiss her and moves slightly beneath me, rubbing against my naked cock that’s getting harder by the minute. My hips grind a slow, seductive circle against her as I run my hand down the length of her body, hooking my finger on the edge of her panties and tugging them down a few inches.
"Asia…" I breathe, my voice desperate for her, my lips lingering on hers. I want her so badly.
"Yes. I want you," she says breathlessly, her hand pushing down the other side of her panties and together we pull them off, our bodies melding together in a frenzy the moment the red silk fabric is out of the way. I press my cock against her warm folds and kiss her lips hungrily. "You're sure?" I whisper between kisses. "Please be sure…"
She reaches down between our bodies and palms my cock, rubbing the head against her wet entrance. I grab her hand from between us and pin it above her head, entwining her fingers with mine. My mouth claims hers again as I slowly push my cock into her, causing her to gasp against my lips. Her body trembles as I go as slowly and gently as I can with her, frustrated with the harsh realization that there is nothing I can do in this life that will not cause her pain in some way, physically or emotionally.
I move in and out of her with drowsy strokes, our lips resting against each other while her breath flutters against me, a mix of pain and pleasure for her. This isn't how I fantasized being with her would be like. I envisioned taking every inch of her with my mouth and hands, driving her insane and ramming her from every angle on every piece of furniture I could get her on and then doing it all over again.
But this…this has nothing to do with actual sex and everything to do with finally connecting in every way and becoming one with her. A truce of sorts, of giving in, of throwing our hearts up in the air and hoping the other doesn't miss and lets it fall splattering to the ground.
I push her hair away from her face and cup her cheek with my hand, sinking into her just a little bit more. Her thighs spread wider for me, and she lifts one toned leg to wrap around my waist, hesitantly taking me even farther into her. She feels like heaven wrapped around me.
My dick pulsates as she moves slowly with me, her hands flexing on my hips as small moans and sighs flow from her lips. I let her set the pace and depth and continue to kiss her, coaxing her to find that sweet spot and let herself go. And when she does, her walls contract fiercely around me and she hugs me tighter to her, whispering my name as I come with her.
Our tongues tangle in a slow, dreamy kiss as our breathing calms and steadies, and I don't want to let her out of my arms or my sight for anything. I'm not sure how, but this girl is seeping into my heart.
Rolling us to the side, I keep my arms around her and rain soft kisses on her cheeks, her eyelids, her throat—the need to make her feel cherished all I care about right now in hopes she doesn't regret letting me through that barricade she had around herself. I’m guilty of not e
ver being a gentle or sweet lover, but she makes me want to be one now for her.
We lie in silence, not speaking or playfully teasing each other as we usually do. But her hands moving slowly over my body while I kiss her speak way more than words ever could. She tucks her head against my chest, beneath my chin, and wraps her arms tightly around me like she's afraid I'm going to disappear once she falls asleep.
Not a chance.
I wait until her breathing is soft and even against me before I let myself drift off to sleep, like I've been doing every night for the past few weeks. Slowly, everything in my life is turning into putting her first, and I'm not gonna fight it.
23
ASIA
"THIS, and this. And this. And this shit too."
I shake my head in amusement as Talon fills the shopping cart with various rolls of fabrics in just about every texture and color possible.
"We have to cut it to the length we want," I say.
"No, let's just buy the whole roll thing. I like this stuff. We'll definitely use it."
"Okay…"
We go up and down every aisle of the craft and fabric store, buying more stuff than I've bought in the entire five years I've been making clothes. He piles the cart with threads, lace, dyes, paint, glue, thin strands of leather rope, tassels—you name it, he's getting it.
"Talon, this is going to cost a small fortune," I whisper, the girl in me who never had any money constantly piping up when he does things like this.
"Baby, no worries." He swoops down and kisses my cheek, causing my heart to flutter. Every time he touches me now, I'm reminded of our night together four days ago when I woke him with the lip balm blow job and then we had sex. Daydreaming about the way he touched me and kissed me, the expression in his eyes when he slid into me for the first time, and how he held me afterward makes my insides quiver and turn to jelly. I never expected him to be so gentle and slow, and it certainly pushed me further down the slippery slope of love I'm already sliding down.