by Collen Houck
“In America, there’s a cartoon character that’s famous for giant sandwiches. His name is Dagwood. So, huge sandwiches like that are called Dagwoods.”
He grunted and took another big bite. I decided it was a good time to talk when he couldn’t talk back.
“Umm, Ren? We need to talk.”
He mumbled with his mouth full, “So talk.”
I hedged, “Not now. Later. Meet me on the veranda at sundown, okay?”
He froze with his sandwich halfway to his mouth. “A secret rendezvous? On the veranda? At sundown?”
He arched an eyebrow at me. “Why, Kelsey, are you trying toseduce me?”
“Hardly,” I dryly muttered.
He laughed, “Well, I’m all yours. But be gentle with me tonight,fair maiden . I’m new at this whole being
human business.”
Exasperated, I threw out, “I amnot your fair maiden.”
He ignored my comment and went back to devouring his lunch. He also took the other half of my discarded peanut butter sandwich and ate that too.
“Hey! This stuff’s pretty good.”
Finished, I walked over to the kitchen island and began clearing away Ren’s mess. When he was done, he stood to help me. I couldn’t help but notice we worked well together. It was almost like we knew what the other person was going to do before he or she did it. The kitchen was spotless in no time. Ren took off his apron and threw it in the laundry basket. Then he came up behind me while I was putting away some glasses and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me up against him.
He smelled my hair, kissed my neck, and murmured softly in my ear, “Mmm, definitely peaches and cream, but with a hint of spice. I’ll go be a tiger for a while and take a nap, and then I can save all my hours for you this evening.”
I grimaced. He was probably expecting a make-out session, and I was planning to break up with him.
He wanted to spend time with agirlfriend , and my plan was to explain to him how weweren’t meant to be together. Not that we were ever officiallytogether . Still, itfelt like a break up.Why does this have to be so hard?
He rocked me and whispered, “‘How silver-sweet sound lovers’ tongues by night, Like soft music to attending ears…’”
I turned around in his arms, shocked.
“How did you remember that? That’sRomeo and Juliet !”
He shrugged. “I paid attention when you were reading it to me. I liked it.”
He kissed my cheek. “See you tonight,iadala ,” and left me standing there.
The rest of the afternoon, I couldn’t focus on anything. Everything I started out doing failed to hold my attention. I practiced what I should say, but nothing sounded right. I rehearsed in the mirror: “It’s not you,
it’s me,” “There are plenty of other fish in the sea,” “I need to find myself,” “Our differences are too big,”
“I’m notthe one ,” “There’s someone else.” Heck, I even tried “I’m allergic to cats.”
None of the excuses I came up with would work with him. I decided the best thing to do was be straightforward with him. Tell him the truth. That’s who I was. I faced things, got on with the hard parts, and moved on with life.
Mr. Kadam was gone all day. The Jeep was missing. I was hoping that he’d be around to distract me a little bit, maybe give me some advice, but he was MIA.
Sundown came too quickly, and I nervously headed upstairs. I walked in the bathroom, took out my braids, and brushed out my hair until it fell down my back in loose waves. I put on some lip gloss and eyeliner and then searched through my closet for something nicer to wear than a T-shirt.Apparently, someone had been adding designer clothing to my wardrobe. I came out with a mulberry, small-scale, plaid, cotton blouse trimmed in black silk, and some slim leg black pants cropped at the ankles.
The charitable thing to do would be to make myself as homely looking as possible, which would probably make it much easier on him, but I didn’t want his parting memories of me to be that I was frumpy looking and dressed like a tomboy.I do have some feminine pride after all. I still want him to squirm. At least a little.
Satisfied with my appearance, I passed Fanindra, patted her head, and asked her to wish me luck. I slid open the glass door and stepped outside. The outside air was warm and fragrant. I smelled jasmine and the woodsy scent of the jungle. I watched the sun dip down below the horizon, leaving the sky carnation pink and clementine orange. The pool and fountain lights clicked on below as I sat back on the cushioned
patio loveseat and rocked gently, enjoying the balmy, sweet-smelling breeze as it wafted over my skin.
I sighed and spoke aloud, “The only thing missing is one of those fruity, tropical drinks with pineapple, cherries, and an umbrella.” I heard something fizz next to me on a side table. A curved, frosty glass held a
cold red-orange fruit drink, complete with umbrella and cherries! I picked it up to see if it was real. It was. I sipped it cautiously, and the bubbly sweet juice was perfect.Something weird is going on. Nobody else is here, so how did this drink get here?
Right then, Ren appeared, and I forgot all about my mysterious beverage. He was barefoot, dressed in a sea-green silk shirt and black slacks with a thin belt. His hair was damp, and he’d brushed it back away from his face. He sat down beside me on the loveseat and snuck his arm around my shoulders. He smelled fantastic. That warm summery sandalwood scent of his mixed with the jasmine.That’s got to be what heaven smells like. He propped his foot up on a side table and started to rock us back and forth.
He seemed content to just sit, relax, and enjoy the breeze and sunset, so we stayed that way for a while, sitting comfortably for several minutes. It was nice. Maybe we could still be friends like this afterward. I hoped so. I liked his companionship.
He reached over and took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. He toyed with my fingers for a while, then brought my hand up to his lips and kissed them slowly, one by one.
“What did you want to talk about tonight, Kelsey?”
“Uh…”What the heck did I want to talk about? For the life of me, I couldn’t remember. Oh yeah. I shook off my reaction to him and braced myself.
“Ren, I would kind of prefer it if you would sit across from me so I can see you. You’re a little less distracting from over there.” He laughed at me. “Okay, Kells. Whatever you say.”
He slid a chair across from me and then sat down. Leaning over, he picked up my foot and brought it up to his lap.
I twitched my leg. “What are you doing?”
“Relax. You seem tense.” He started massaging my foot. I started to protest, but he just gave me a look.
He twisted my foot one way and then another. “You have blisters all over your feet. We need to get you better shoes if you’re going to be hiking in the jungle this often.”
“The hiking boots gave me blisters too. It probably doesn’t matter what shoes you get me. I’ve been hiking more in the last few weeks than I have my entire life. My feet aren’t used to it.”
He frowned. “Well, I don’t want this to happen anymore. I’ll think of something.”
He softly traced my arch with his finger, which shot tingly sensations up my leg. Then he wrapped his hands around my foot and started massaging, being careful to avoid any tender places. I was going to object again, but it felt good. Besides, it could be a good distraction during an uncomfortable conversation, so I let him continue. I glanced at his face. He was studying me curiously.
What was I thinking? I thought him sitting across from me would make it easier. Stupid me! Now I have
to stare at his warrior archangel face and try to stay focused.
I closed my eyes for a minute.Come on, Kells. Focus. Focus. You can do this!
“Okay, Ren, there reallyis something that we need to discuss.”
“Alright. Go ahead.”
I blew out a breath. “You see, I can’t…reciprocateyour feelings. Or your, umm, affections.”
He laughed. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, what Imean is, I…”
He leaned forward and spoke in a low voice, full of meaning, “Kelsey, Iknow you reciprocate my feelings. Don’t pretend anymore that you don’t have them.”
When did he figure all this out?Maybe when you were kissing him like an idiot, Kells. I’d hoped that I’d
fooled him, but he could see right through me. The little love plant inside me trembled. I decided to play dumb and pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about.
I waved my hand in the air. “Okay! Yes! I admit that I’m attracted to you.”Who wouldn’t be? “But it won’t work out.”
“Why not?”
“Your attractiveness is part of the problem”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying. How can your being attracted to me be a problem? I would think that’s a good thing.”
“Normally. Fornormal people…it is.”
“So I’m not normal?”
“No.”
“Are you normal?”
“Yes. Which is the crux of the issue.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“Okay. Let me explain it this way…you’ve only been a man again for a short time, right?”
“Right.”
“Which means that you don’t really know what else is out there.”
“Out where?”
“Out in the world.”
“You think I don’t know what’s out in the world?”
“No. It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had.But if he had abuffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.”
He paused a moment. “I don’t get it. What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…I’m the radish.”
“You’re the radish.”
“Right.”
“And what amI? The buffet?”
“No…you’re the man.”
“I see. Go on.”
“Now…I don’t reallywant to be the radish. I mean, who does? But I’m grounded enough to know what I am, and I amnot a buffet. I mean,you could be havingchocolate éclairs for heaven’s sake.”
“Uh-huh, chocolate éclairs.”
“Yes.”
“But not radishes.”
“No.”
“What if I like radishes?”
“You don’t.”
“I don’t?”
“No. You don’t know any better.”
“Right.”
“I’m also really sorry that I’ve been so rude to you. I’m not normally. I don’t know where all the sarcasm comes from.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“Okay. I have a cynical, evil side. I normally keep it hidden. But when I’m under great stress or extremely desperate, it comes out.”
He set down my foot, picked up the other one, and began massaging it with his thumbs. He didn’t say anything, so I continued, “Being coldhearted and nasty was the only thing I could do to push you away.
It
was kind of a defense mechanism.”
“So youadmit you were trying to push me away.”
“Yes. Of course.”
“And it’s because you’re a radish.”
Frustrated, I said, “Yes!So you see, now that you’re a man again, you’ll get out in the world and find someone better for you. Someone who complements you. It’s not your fault that this happened. I mean, you’ve been a tiger so long that you just don’t know how the world works.”
“Right. And howdoes the world work, Kelsey?”
I missed the intensity of his question, thinking that things were progressing pretty well. Boy, was I wrong.
I cleared my throat, “Well…normally, good looking actors date models. Models date rock stars. And rich, handsome men date beautiful actresses.”
He set my foot down and crossed his arms over his chest. “Whatexactly do you consider me?”
I stammered, “Uh…you’re a,” I waved my hands in the air, “you’re a rich, handsome, rock-star, hot-looking-actor-type, supermodel who should be going out with a supermodel-turned-actress with a rich daddy.”
“But not a radish.”
“No! Are you paying attention?”
Angrily, he shouted, “Oh, yes,indeed Iam paying attention! What you are saying is that I should be a stuck-up, rich, shallow,libertine who cares only about wealth, power, and bettering my status. That I should be seeking superficial women who are fickle, pretentious, have no brain, and who care more about myconnections than they do about me.And that I am not wise enough, or up-to-date enough, to knowwho I want orwhat I want in life! Does that about sum it up?”
I squeaked out a small, “Yes.”
“You truly feel this way?”
I flinched. “Yes.”
He leaned forward. “Well, you’rewrong , Kelsey. Wrong aboutyourself and wrong aboutme !”
He was livid. I shifted uncomfortably while he went on.
“Iknow what I want. I’m not operating under any delusions. I’ve studied people from a cage for decades, and that’s given me ample time to figure out my priorities. From the first moment I saw you, the
first time I heard your voice, I knew you were different. You were special.” He leaned forward, “The first
time you reached your hand into my cage and touched me, you made me feel alive in a way I’ve never felt before.”
“Maybe it’s all just a part of the curse. Did you ever think of that? Maybe these aren’t your true feelings.
Maybe you sensed that I was the one to help you, and you’ve somehow misinterpreted your emotions.”
“I highly doubt it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, even before the curse happened.”
This was not going the way I wanted it to. I felt a desperate need to escape before I said something that would screw up my plans. He was the dark side, the forbidden fruit, my personal Delilah—the ultimate temptation. The question was…could I resist?
I patted his knee, sisterly like, saw him narrow his eyes, and played my trump card.
“I’m sorry that you feel that way, Ren. But, in time, you’ll figure it all out. That’s why…I’m leaving.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m going home to Oregon. Mr. Kadam thinks it will be safer for me anyway, with Lokesh and all.
Besides, you need time to figure out…stuff.”
“If you’re leaving, then I’m going with you!”
I smiled at him wryly. “That kind of defeats the purpose of me leaving. Don’t you think?”
He slicked back his hair, let out a deep breath, then took my hand and looked intently into my eyes.
“Kells, when are you going to accept the fact that webelong together?”
I tore my hand from his grasp and felt the little love plant inside me wither and retreat as I ripped off the budding bloom, plucked off its leaves, and kicked viciously at its roots. I felt sick, like I was kicking a faithful puppy who only wanted to be loved. I looked out at the pool.
He sat back scowling and said menacingly, “I won’tlet you leave.”
Inside, I desperately wanted to take his hand and beg him to forgive me, to love me, but I steeled myself, dropped my hands in my lap, then implored, “Ren,please . Youhave to let me go. Ineed … I’m afraid …look, I just can’tbe here, near you, when you change your mind.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
“It might. There’s a good chance.”
He growled angrily. “There’sno chance!”
“Well, my heart can’t take that risk, and I don’t want to put you in what can only be an awkward position. I’m sorry, Ren. I really am. I do want to be your friend, but I understand if you don’t want that.
Of course, I’ll return when you need me,if you need me, to help you find the other three gifts. I wouldn’t abandon you or Kishan in that way. I just can’t stay here with you feeing obligated to pity-date me be
cause you need me. But I’d never abandon your cause. I’ll always be there for you both, no matter what.”
He spat out, “Pity-date!You ? Kelsey, youcan’t be serious!”
“I am . Very,very serious. I’ll ask Mr. Kadam to make arrangements to send me back in the next few days.”
He didn’t say another word. He just sat back in his chair. I could tell he was fuming mad, but I knew that, after a week or two, when he started getting back out in the world, he would come to appreciate my gesture.
I looked away from him. “I’m very tired now. I’d like to go to bed.” I got up and headed to my room.
Before I closed the sliding door, I asked, “Can I make one last request?”
He sat there tight-lipped, his arms folded over his chest, with a tense, angry face. I sighed.Even infuriated
he was beautiful.
He said nothing so I went on, “It would be a lot easier on me if I didn’t see you, I mean as a man. I’ll try to avoid most of the house. Itis yours after all, so I’ll stay in my room. If you see Mr. Kadam, please tell him I’d like to speak with him.”
He didn’t respond.
“Well, goodbye, Ren. Take care of yourself.” I tore my eyes away from him, shut the door, and drew the curtains.
Take care of yourself?That was a lame good-bye. The love plant screamed at the havoc I’d created in its little garden. I’d done my best to yank it out and destroy it, but it tenaciously clung to the dirt. Now it was a pathetic stem, an ugly, torn, abused version of what it had been. Tears welled in my eyes and blurred my vision. I was proud that I’d gotten through it without showing emotion. But, now, I felt like a steamroller had come along and flattened me.
I couldn’t breathe. I went in the bathroom and turned on the shower. I closed the door, which trapped all the steam inside, and sobbed. Gut-wrenching spasms shook my body. My eyes, nose, and mouth all leaked simultaneously as I allowed myself to feel the empty despair of loss.
I slumped to the floor and then slid down even farther until I was sprawled out on it with my cheek resting on the cool marble. I let my emotions overtake me until I was completely spent. My limbs felt lifeless and dull, and my hair frizzed up and stuck to the wet tears on my face.
Much later, I got up slowly, turned off the now cold shower, washed my face, and climbed into bed.