When we walked through the front door, laughing about how some of the guys at his school were planning to go naked under their graduation robes, I heard Carolyn call out to me.
“Could you come in here a minute?” she called from the kitchen. Shrugging, I walked across the living room and into the kitchen with Adam on my heels. I stopped dead when I saw that she was holding an envelope in her hand.
Jamie.
With shaking fingers, I took it from her and turned it over to see the front, immediately recognizing the University of Alabama logo in the upper left. I dropped it on the counter and grabbed the edge, trying not to let the disappointment, the grief, overwhelm me.
“Brian, darlin’, what is it?” Carolyn asked, grabbing my arm.
“I thought it would be from Jamie,” I whispered. My voice broke with his name.
“Oh, honey, I didn’t think. I’m so sorry. I was just excited for you to open it,” Carolyn added, and I could feel her remorse.
“No, it’s okay, Mom,” I said, picking up the envelope and ripping it open. Reading the first few paragraphs quickly, the contents shocked me.
“Brian?” Adam asked. For a moment, I had forgotten he was there.
“I… I got in,” I said, and then paused as I was engulfed in a hug by both Carolyn and Adam. “There’s more. Because I was a ward of the state, I got a special scholarship. With student loans, I’ll be able to afford to go.” The breath came out of me in a rush as I sat on one of the breakfast bar stools.
I would be able to go to college.
Shock overrode almost every other thought, except Jamie, and my chest began to burn. He would have wanted me to go to college. There was no question.
“I’m so proud of you, Brian,” Carolyn said, laying her hand on my cheek. “Your parents would have been so proud of you.” My parents, my real parents, hadn’t even entered into my decision about my future. They would have been really disappointed in me if I squandered this opportunity.
“Brian, I got into ’Bama too. We could be roommates,” Adam said quietly, and I looked at the desperate hope shining in his eyes.
“Let’s go work on that English paper,” I answered evasively, not wanting to get his hopes up.
The next day, I signed my acceptance letter, accepted the financial aid, and mailed it all back before I could talk myself out of it.
THE morning of my high school graduation dawned clear and bright, allowing the ceremony to take place on the football field rather than trying to crowd all the graduates, their friends, and their families into the gym. Carolyn had taken me out over the weekend to buy me a new pair of dress pants, shirt, and even shoes. She said I would need nice clothes anyway, either at college or on job interviews in California. I knew which way I was leaning, but since I hadn’t made a concrete decision yet, I hadn’t told anyone.
Commencement started at two in the afternoon, and I had spent my morning pacing. Carolyn tried to get me to eat something, but I couldn’t. I was nervous because I didn’t know what was going to happen when I got up on the stage. At the very least, I expected the jocks who hung around with Mosely to yell something rude; they might even trip me or throw things. My family didn’t deserve that kind of embarrassment after they’d already been through so much. There wasn’t anything I could do about it, however, so I didn’t confide any of my fears to Richard and Carolyn. They stood by quietly, watching me pace.
However, I did talk to Adam about it when he arrived about noon.
“Brian, what’s the worst thing that can happen, really? You’re going to be in public, so no one is going to hurt you. Even if they tried, you could kick the crap out of them. I mean, you’re practically a freaking black belt. I will be there, Mr. Barnes will be there, and most importantly, Sensei will be there. So if they yell stuff, you’re going to be gone one way or another in a matter of weeks,” Adam said, rubbing my back, trying to soothe me.
“I know, but I don’t want to make things worse for Richard and Carolyn. They’ve lost so much because of me already,” I sighed. Richard had involuntarily retired, they had spent thousands over the years to take care of me, and I did not want to think of what they had probably spent on legal fees for the adoption.
“Yes, but we’ve gained more than we could ever have asked for,” Richard said from the doorway. I hadn’t realized that he was there, and I looked up at him as he walked slowly over to me. “When our son died, part of me died with him. I never wanted another child because I couldn’t deal with the thought that I could lose him. When you came to us, even though you were just a kid, you brightened our lives. Neither of us looked at you as some kind of burden, Brian. You are our son, and we’re both so proud of the man you have become.”
It took a second for me to process the meaning of his words, and then I practically threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.
“Thank you, Dad,” I whispered, afraid if I spoke any louder, my voice would crack.
“Okay, guys, it’s almost time,” Carolyn said, coming into the room. I pulled back and wiped the wetness from my eyes. “I want to get a good seat to see my son graduate!”
I laughed, and the four of us—Richard, Carolyn, Adam, and me—piled into Richard’s car and headed for the high school. Adam’s graduation ceremony wasn’t until tomorrow, and to be honest, I was thankful he could be with me. He had tried to protest when I’d told him I would attend his graduation with his mother, telling me it wasn’t safe, but as he had pointed out, I knew how to defend myself.
I was done running from my fear.
There were already a few dozen cars in the parking lot when we arrived about an hour before the ceremony, but I needed to be there early to get into my cap and gown and receive the instructions. The administration warned the graduating class that any kind of misconduct would result in having the offender’s diploma held by the school. As harsh as I thought that edict was, I was also pretty grateful for it. It meant that, just maybe, they wouldn’t mess with me. I’d had a few problems from time to time since I’d returned to school, but mostly people had ignored me, and I preferred it that way.
“Brian, you ready to graduate, kid?” Kyle asked me as he walked up to me, grinning. I grinned back but then felt a sharp pang in my chest. I didn’t think I would miss anything about high school. My whole focus had been on getting the hell out, but I knew I would miss Kyle.
“Yeah, I really am.” He held his hand out, and I shook it.
“When are you leaving?” Kyle asked, his face turning solemn.
“Either way, I’ll leave the week after I turn eighteen.”
“You know my position, so I won’t browbeat you with it. All I have to say is, either way, I wish you nothing but happiness.” He put a hand on my shoulder, one of the only affectionate gestures he’d ever given me at school. We’d always had to be very careful about our friendship so the school administration didn’t hassle him about it.
I held his gaze for a minute longer before I lined up with the rest of the class as they got ready to take the stage. As we got into a single-file line in alphabetical order, I said a silent and honest prayer for Evan Michaels. He made a pretty effective barrier between me and the next person in line, Emma Mosely. My heart sank when I realized that instead of Thomas Langley, it should have been Jamie Mayfield right in front of me, but I pushed that thought away. I could only hope Jamie was at his own graduation today, and maybe, just maybe, he was thinking of me too.
Finally, as the teachers shouted their last-minute instructions, it was time.
It was the longest twenty minutes of my life, waiting for them to call my name, but after what seemed like a sweltering eternity in the afternoon heat and the oppressive cap and gown, they got to the middle of the alphabet.
“Derrick Kennedy….
“John Kurtz….
“James Lachey….
“Thomas Langley….
“Brian McAllister….”
My brain froze for just a second before I walk
ed over to the makeshift stage and climbed the slightly swaying stairs. My stomach knotted again, sweat rolled down the back of my neck, and my limp was noticeable as I kept moving one foot in front of the other toward Mr. Payne and the stack of diplomas. For the appearance of the waiting crowd, I’m sure, he shook my hand just as the word “FAG!” rang out from the onlookers. I couldn’t help it. I busted out into a fit of laughter as I took the rolled-up paper from his other frozen, unresisting hand and just kept walking.
It was over.
I had won.
It took every bit of self-control I had learned over the last few months not to throw my arms up in victory or do a back-flip off the stage. It did not matter that someone had yelled something while I was on stage; it did not matter that Mr. Payne had looked like he was swallowing a lemon as he shook my hand. I had beaten them, and I had graduated. Practically bouncing in my seat, I waited for the rest of the students behind me to get their diplomas, and then I raced to my family through the jostling crowd. I found Adam first, and he threw his arms around me and lifted me off the ground, laughing.
“I’m so proud of you,” he murmured in my ear as his grip loosened and my feet touched the ground again. His small, swift kiss near my ear went unnoticed by the rest of the crowd, but a small shiver raced down my back, and I smiled at him. Falling for Adam wouldn’t be the hardest thing I could do, except that my heart ached again at Jamie’s absence. We should have been graduating together and then off on a new adventure, just the two of us. Adam saw the sadness in my eyes and looked away.
“Let’s go, your parents want to go home and celebrate,” he said quietly and turned in the direction of the parking lot. I wanted so badly to slide my hand into his that my palm actually itched with need. There was no way I could do it there, but just the fact that I wanted to made me even more conflicted. I didn’t want to consider the possibility that I had fallen for Adam too, that I was in love with both of them, because frankly, the thought of never seeing Jamie again terrified me. If I let myself stay with Adam, that was exactly what would happen.
We found Richard and Carolyn talking to Kyle, and when we reached them, Kyle hugged me.
“I’m officially no longer your teacher,” he said with a laugh. “Now we can be friends.”
“Good, because I need all the friends I can get,” I said seriously.
“Let’s go home,” Richard said, putting his arm around my shoulders. We’d talked about it at length and decided that we didn’t feel comfortable going out to dinner to celebrate. There were only a handful of nice restaurants in town, and I was sure they would be full of my tolerant and understanding peers, who were now free of the petty restraint of being suspended for messing with me. All of us knew that with the celebratory alcohol and euphoric spirits, the best place for us to be was at home.
Adam and I ran upstairs to change, and I let him borrow a pair of cut-off jeans.
The T-shirt he pulled out of the drawer had been Jamie’s.
I remember the night he had let me borrow it, after I’d gotten barbecue sauce on the one I’d been wearing. It was one of those nights, one of those countless nights that I stayed over with him, when we still slept in his room. It was a few months before the sermon, before the kiss, before I knew he loved me. Even then, I’d wanted something of his to keep close to me, so I’d neglected to return it.
For the first few weeks after Jamie was gone, I had slept in that shirt. The ache inside me had been so strong, and I would have done anything just to make it not hurt quite so much. Sleeping in Jamie’s shirt was something that made me feel close to him, and it allowed me to cry. After I had started to recover from the shock of losing him, I’d folded the shirt up and put it in the drawer, trying not to think about it anymore.
My heart stopped when I saw Adam pull it over his head and drop his dress shirt to my bedroom floor. I didn’t have the heart to say anything; it just would have hurt him further. I swallowed back the lump in my throat, tossed on my own T-shirt, and followed Adam downstairs.
“Wow,” Adam said as he stared at the absolutely huge buffet of food displayed in our kitchen. It was a veritable—apparently those verbal SAT books worked wonders—Mexican fiesta right there on the breakfast bar. Carolyn knew I loved Mexican food and had spared nothing to lay out a feast in celebration of my achievement. At the far end of the line sat a cake and a small stack of presents.
“Okay, boys, dig in,” Carolyn said with a wink. “We’ll do cake and presents afterward.” She handed us both paper plates.
“Mom, you guys didn’t need to get me anything. You’ve already done so—” She put her hand over my mouth. I stopped speaking and rolled my eyes.
“Eat,” she nearly growled at me.
Adam and I filled our plates to near-breaking with tacos, nachos, beans, rice, peppers, and anything else we could find to stuff onto them as we walked down the line of food. Having skipped breakfast because of nerves, I was starving. We filled up our plates and headed into the dining room, where my parents joined us.
My parents.
Idly I wondered if I would ever get used to the way it sounded, or to how my stomach jumped in excitement every time I thought about it.
Richard and Carolyn regaled us with tales of their high school experiences. Adam and I had had no idea that, back then, students couldn’t wear jeans to school, and girls weren’t even allowed to wear pants. At our high school, we were lucky if the student population was actually dressed. They also told us about some of the race riots they’d witnessed. Richard had witnessed social injustices in the North, just as Carolyn had seen them down here.
“So, were you guys hippies?” Adam asked with a wicked smirk.
I loved the way he got along with them. It was nice to have friends who felt comfortable at your house with your parents. Even with the amount of time I’d spent at Jamie’s house, I had never felt at ease with his parents, especially his mother.
“Uh, no,” Richard said with a chuckle. “My parents would have killed me. My choice of schools was enough of an issue for them.”
“I was,” Carolyn revealed with a wide smile. “I protested against the war, sent care packages to the troops, whatever I could do. Though I wasn’t the ‘flowers in your hair’ type of girl. Most of my activities were limited to trying to help stop an unjust war rather than free love and doing drugs.” Richard looked at her wide-eyed. “Yeah, after my parents died at the end of my sophomore year, I settled down. They were proud of me, though. They didn’t agree with what was happening either.”
“I wouldn’t have guessed you’d been a hippie, Mom,” I said with amazement as I took the plates from the table and threw them away.
“Okay, time for presents. Let’s let things settle a little before we go for the cake,” Richard said, rubbing his stomach. “Adam, can you bring those over here?”
Adam jumped out of his chair and went to get the presents. There were more than I had expected. He stacked them up in front of me and sat down in the chair next to me, handing me a flat one first.
“This one is from me,” Adam said, looking a little sheepish, and I silently thanked God for the gift card I had for him upstairs. It was a last-minute thing. We hadn’t talked about graduation gifts, but he’d done so much for me, I wanted to get him something. Apparently, he felt the same way. I slid my finger under the tape and ripped apart the wrapping, dropping the paper onto the table to reveal a framed picture taken at the dojo. The other guys who had originally been in the shot had been artfully cropped out and the whole picture digitally enlarged slightly to fit in the frame.
“No matter where you decide to go, you can take me with you,” he said, so softly I wasn’t sure if Richard and Carolyn could hear, or if they’d pretended not to. I turned in my seat and hugged him tightly, unable to find words.
“Thank you,” I told him, putting my hand on the back of his hair and holding him to me probably much longer than necessary. He didn’t protest. Finally, we broke apart, and he cleared
his throat before handing me the next package, also a relatively flat one.
“This one is from Sensei,” Adam said. “He gave it to me just after the end of our last class and asked me to give it to you.” Ripping off the paper, I saw a beautiful leather-bound journal with a note sticking out of the front of the book.
Brian,
No matter where your journey takes you next, in these pages you will always find yourself. I am proud of you, and of all that you have accomplished.
—Derrick Williams
All these wonderful people in my life, and I was going to leave them. The pain swelled in my chest as Adam handed me the next package. It was a road atlas from Kyle. The note on it said it was so I could always find my way home. The hundred bucks he’d stuck inside as a bookmark wouldn’t hurt either.
The gift from my new parents wasn’t flat; in fact it was almost a perfect cube. Curious, I ripped the paper off and marveled at the box underneath. I looked up at them, and they just smiled. They’d gotten me a cell phone.
“We loaded it with a few hundred dollars’ worth of minutes so you could call us whenever you wanted or needed to. You may be leaving our house in a few months, but you’ll never leave our lives, Brian,” Richard said, putting a hand on my shoulder.
“Or our hearts,” Carolyn added, putting her arms around my shoulders as she stood behind my chair.
As I looked around at my family and all their gifts, I wondered again what I was looking for that I did not already have.
The empty chair on my right, the one where Jamie had always sat when he had dinner with our family, seemed huge, almost like the room had dimmed and a spotlight shone on it, highlighting who was supposed to be there.
When Adam brought over the cake from the counter, he sat right back in that chair, and I couldn’t escape the symbolism.
No matter how hard I tried.
THE overcast sky made Adam’s graduation the next day a little cooler than mine but more muggy. Before Adam and his mom picked me up at just past eleven, Richard asked me again if I wanted him to accompany me. He said he didn’t think I’d have a problem handling myself if someone gave me crap, but he just didn’t want me to go alone. Again, I reminded him that I wouldn’t be alone. I’d be with Adam’s mom.
Choices(Waiting for Forever BK 1) Page 29