The hand-holding was indicative of a larger problem, she found as the tour progressed. She kept forgetting they weren’t doing this anymore, the whole couple thing. Kept noticing something amazing and turning to Jeremy to share it. Kept catching sight of him next to her in the boat and being struck by his profile or the way his neck was angled just so.
She did these things all the time, she realized. That was the problem. She did it all the time, but now he was here again to reinforce it. To respond to the amazing thing she’d seen with some observation of his own. To catch her looking at him and grin, causing her to smile with reflexive delight because he wasn’t just some random stranger who bore a passing resemblance to Jeremy, after all. He was the real deal.
He’s my kink. Time and distance hadn’t changed that. But it had taken proximity to make her realize it.
Not only that, he seemed to be Jeremy, improved. Not just the fitness, although she couldn’t say she disapproved of that change. But it was as if the past year had focused and defined him more clearly somehow, tempered him into something with a sharper edge. The body was only the physical manifestation of some deeper change. Confidence, she supposed most would call it. Self-actualization. Turning into a grown-up.
Either that, or his absence had simply made her heart grow fonder.
“Oh, wow. Hey, honey, look!” Jeremy leaned closer to the kayak’s glass floor and pointed. “An octopus. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one in person before. That’s so cool. It’s small, it looks like a baby.”
“Do you say in person if it’s a cephalopod?” She bent over and tried to spot the creature. At first she failed, then the tiny octopus resolved against the background of coral and sand, like an optical-illusion poster suddenly making sense. “I see it! Wow! I can’t believe how cute it is.”
“Is it so wrong that this is all making me hungry for seafood?”
Giggling, she sat up again. “Yep. Pretty wrong. I’m thinking, something like a nice cedar-plank ahi, how about you?”
“Calamari all the way, baby. Sorry, little guy. Being cute doesn’t keep your cousins from being mighty tasty when they’re battered and fried.”
“Oh, please. Fried food? You?” She waved at his torso. “You look like you haven’t gone near fried food since you hit the Washington state line. Or a carb of any kind.”
He smiled, pushing his sunglasses higher on his nose. “So you keep reminding me. Subtly and sometimes not so subtly. Mostly not. And yeah, I admit I’ve been avoiding carbs some. But I’m not one of those fanatics about it. What about you, how are you even finding clothes these days? Kids’ department? You need fried food. For your soul.”
“Is my soul in my boobs? Because that’s where you’re looking. Those glasses don’t fool me.”
“Is mine in my ass? Because you keep checking that area for something and my soul seems like the least smarmy possibility.”
“Yes, Jeremy. You have a butt-soul. At last it can be told.”
His laugh rang out over the water, attracting the attention of another pair of kayakers. The couple were in their sixties or so, and they beamed at Amanda and Jeremy as they paddled past, heading toward the shore of the secluded bay where the tour guide had led them to better observe the local wonders. The older couple, too, were dressed similarly to one another...though it was a similarity born of ease and comfort rather than of any particular taste or function. Khaki shorts, polo shirts, floppy hats.
That could be us in about thirty years, she thought before she had time to make the mental correction to could have been.
“Okay, Soul-tits. Can I call you Soul-tits?”
“Ah, no. No, you may not.”
“Looks like everyone is starting to veer toward the sand over there. You ready to paddle?”
As if on cue, the guide called to the kayaks farther out. “Take another few minutes, then make your way to the beach. We have a few more things to see before heading back to the hotel.”
Amanda swung her legs back over the seat, toward the front of the kayak. “Let’s do it.”
If only everything could be as effortless as the way they plied the oars. Like sex, a choreography so smooth and natural that it felt like a foundation to stand the test of time. Of course, the paddles said, dipping in and out of the water in perfect tempo. Together forever, their bodies had whispered when they came together in the night.
When they were together before, Amanda had often had moments of sheer astonished gratitude. Thankfulness that she’d found him. Delight that he seemed to feel the same way about her. Love. Love, like in the movies. It had been so perfect, so amazing.
It had been too good to be true. Because as much as she wanted him, as much as he claimed to want her...he had wanted Seattle more.
They skimmed up to Julie and Alan’s kayak, where some sort of hilarity seemed to be ensuing. Both her friends were doubled over, head to head over the boat’s windowed floor. Alan’s hands were resting on Julie’s shoulders, and they were both laughing to the point of tears. Alan said something about turtles, renewing the laughter, and by the time they finally sat up they were both bright pink and clutching their sides.
“Something you want to share with the class?” she asked, knowing that Julie wouldn’t answer in any meaningful way. Explanations were clearly called for, but now was not the time.
“We were admiring the turtle,” Alan explained.
“Right. Okay, well, the guy said we should head back in a few minutes. Wasn’t sure you’d heard him, what with the turtle admiration and everything.” The kind of sickeningly cute turtle admiration, with the laughing and the hugging and the pink cheeks.
Alan took their picture before they paddled away. Amanda smiled as she leaned toward Jeremy and posed, and only afterward did she realize how natural, how unforced that smile was. She hadn’t been thinking about their past or future, just enjoying that moment, the time they were spending together. The way she used to, before the whole issue of Seattle arose and everything went to hell.
She and Jeremy both asked Alan to email them the pic. Amanda figured she’d see how she looked in it later and decide whether it was worth keeping. Maybe she’d keep it but crop Jeremy out.
Maybe she’d just keep it.
By the time the group made it back to the hotel, Amanda wanted nothing more than a heavy lunch, a long shower and a nap. She wanted all those things in more or less equal measure, and she felt that she should be naked for all of them. It was also vital that Jeremy be present and naked the whole time. After the food/shower/nap things were accomplished, there could be sex. Simple needs, easily met.
Except that Julie wanted to do girls’ lunch. Amanda had to claim an overdose of sun in order to decline gracefully. It gave her a twinge of conscience, but that twinge wasn’t nearly as strong as the countering desire to have seafood and Jeremy.
Julie didn’t buy it, Amanda could tell, but she rolled with it. More or less. She made a fuss, feeling Amanda’s neck to see if she was overheated.
“You probably need some water. Or I could find you a sports drink? A cool bath might be good, too.”
“I was going to order a sports drink with room service. If they don’t have it, I’m sure Jeremy won’t mind finding me some.” She glanced at Jeremy for confirmation, only to see he was deep in some sort of manly bonding with Alan. The guys had taken a few steps away and were both standing with their arms crossed over their chests, frowning at a nearby hibiscus bush. They looked for all the world like two dudes staring down at an engine, both trying to act like they had a clue how to fix it.
“Is there a word,” Julie asked quietly, “that expresses the intersection between bro and horticulture?”
Amanda remembered all over again why they’d been best friends for so long. “No, but when they find one, I know just the picture to illustrate that encyclopedia entry.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Better than okay.” She was surprised to find she meant it. “I’m having more fun than can possibly be safe. I’ve been trying to resist it all morning, but...I don’t know. Nothing’s changed, really, so it’s colossally dumb. But we just go together so well, you know? I’ve spent so much time focusing on how pissed off I was at him, I forgot how good we could be.”
Julie nodded. “You guys always were the perfect couple.”
“Yeah, but maybe that was part of the problem. We were spoiled by that. We didn’t know how to deal with things when it became less than perfect.” That particular revelation had come long before this trip, though. Remembering that didn’t count as progress.
“Have you talked about that, or—”
“No.” She didn’t even want to think about the breakup, its causes, who was culpable in what way. “We’re just doing vacation. That’s all. Sun, sex and seafood.”
“I think this place should use that as a tagline.”
“I missed my calling, I should’ve gone into marketing.”
“Seriously. Okay, you ready to help me break up a botanical bromance?”
They drifted closer to the guys just in time to catch Jeremy talking about how he’d been paying moving bonuses for new hires relocating from Silicon Valley. It kind of soured the moment, especially when Alan tried too hard to change the subject.
“Hey, so, Jules, are you starving? I’m starving.” He was so animated he looked as if he wanted to convert the rest of them to the cult of cheerfulness. “Are we ready to go chow down?”
Julie gave him a little You’re crazy look, then shrugged. “I guess so. But you promise to get some fluids before your nap, Amanda, and text me if you need anything, right?”
“Of course. But I’ll be fine, you don’t need to worry about me. Go eat, have fun.”
Jeremy rested his arm on her shoulders, but gingerly, as if she might turn and bite him at any moment. “I’ll make sure she’s hydrated and rested.”
Alan nodded at Jeremy, then aimed his goofy too-big smile at Julie. “Great. Okay, honey?”
“Honey? Really?”
“Sorry. Just thinking about various foods. Rumbly in the tumbly.”
Amanda couldn’t take it anymore. “Okay, well then. I’m going for Gatorade or whatever. Jeremy, I guess you’re coming with me. Jules, have a great lunch with Pooh Bear. Everybody clear on the plan? Aaaand...break!”
Chapter Seven
“Food. Shower. Bed. Not necessarily in that order.”
Amanda’s plan was simple, but it sounded perfect to Jeremy. “Just to clarify, you didn’t really get too much sun, right? That was just to get out of doing group lunch?”
She smirked. “I ought to let you wonder for a while.”
“But you’re not going to?”
“If I did get too much sun, would you draw me a cooling bath and bring me sports drinks?”
They were almost to his cottage, and moving at a brisk clip. She didn’t look like she was suffering. “You’d be naked for at least one of those, right? Yeah, I’d probably accommodate you. Quid pro quo, though.”
“There’s always a trade-off. Be warned, though, I’m prioritizing food at the moment.”
“I saw a seafood platter on the room-service menu.”
“Oh, I love you.” A second later, she realized what she’d said, and started attempting to backpedal. “I didn’t mean in a love way. Just...the seafood. It sounds perfect.”
Squeezing her hand then releasing it to get out his key card, he nodded. “I got that.”
He wanted to say he loved her, too. It was on the tip of his tongue, fighting to get out. But it wasn’t the right time. Not now, when he was walking this tightrope, doing this impossible routine over a chasm of anxiety. Put one foot wrong and it could all come to an abrupt and dramatic end. He thought he might have taken that misstep when he started chatting about the moving bonuses. He had an antidote to that particular poison if he needed it, at least. He just didn’t want to use it until the time was right.
That time wasn’t now. That conversation could wait. Now it was more important to get Amanda into a shower, get the food ordered, set the scene for whatever they were doing here instead of romance.
Amanda had gone straight to the vanity to size up the tiny bottles of hotel shampoo and conditioner. “Okay, I’m going in. If I fall asleep in there, just wake me when the food arrives.”
“Got it.” He stood over her, waiting for her to stand and then pulling her in for a kiss. She took long showers, and he wanted something to last him until he saw her again. He was aiming for short and sweet, but Amanda grabbed his hair and took more. They both loved kissing, had spent many a marathon necking session on the couch, a forgotten movie playing in the background. The long hiatus had created too much edgy need, though, and they hadn’t even begun to bleed off that pure, pent-up sexual energy. When she realized Jeremy was hard, she pulled back with a rueful smile and patted his cheek.
“Later. After the shower. And the food. And possibly the nap.”
“Right. I’ll call room service. Oh, and Amanda?” She turned at the bathroom door, and he smiled, feeling like a hopeless doofus. “I love seafood, too.”
Her expression was hard to read. A half smile, then a wibble, followed by the crooked lip-bite she did when she was trying to order a meal and couldn’t decide what she was in the mood for. No words, though. She bounced on her toes a few times, then slipped into the bathroom, closing the door on him.
Jeremy smacked his forehead repeatedly and scolded himself, even as he picked up the phone and dialed. “Dude. Dude. Jesus. I love seafood, too, seriously? If you love seafood so much why don’t you marry it?”
“Uh...this is room service?”
“Shit. Sorry, sorry. I was just...talking to somebody. About the seafood platter. Which I’d like to order one of. For two. A big seafood platter for two. Please.”
“Of course, sir.”
Once they’d discussed the salads, the beverages, the question of dessert, Jeremy flopped onto the bed. Almost immediately he sat up and dialed the number again.
“And can I get a Gatorade or Powerade with that? Some kind of ade? Any flavor’s fine, but not diet.”
The order duly amended, he resumed his lounging, pondering what the trip had accomplished thus far.
Not much, maybe, by objective standards. But she was here in his room, at least. In his shower. Sharing a meal and hopefully later a bed with him. It wasn’t enough, but it was better than the nothingness they’d had before. Anything was better than that.
Was it really, though? If she hadn’t changed her mind about him by the time this vacation was done, would either of them be better off once they returned to their real lives? Maybe so. Maybe this was closure for them, something they’d both needed. But Jeremy suspected this tryst would only lengthen his recovery time. Make it harder for him to think about moving on, trying to date somebody new. And it was so hard already.
* * *
Amanda emerged from the shower, pink and rosy in a thick hotel robe, moments after Jeremy tipped the room-service waiter.
“Oh my God. That smells amazing!”
“You smell amazing. Is that the hotel shampoo?”
“Yeah. It’s really nice stuff.”
The theme of the day seemed to be stopping himself before he blurted out something unhelpful. He nearly said she should consider getting some of the same brand once they got home. Then he remembered they weren’t talking about after, and home was not a good topic of conversation, and he wouldn’t be around to smell the shampoo even if she did buy it. So he offered her a sports drink, instead. They ate the seafood, every last savory morsel, and chatted about the fish they’d seen that morning, the joys of kayaking, and a hund
red other things that weren’t tremendously important. He even let Amanda talk him into eating some of the potato side dish.
Jeremy took his turn in the shower after the last bite of fish was gone. Once he was naked and under the hot spray, he started to think about Amanda, with predictable results. She was naked under that fluffy robe, and he’d left her curled up on his bed reading news feeds on her phone. When he came out of the shower he would show her all the love he couldn’t use words to express.
Perhaps predictably, when he made his triumphal return from the bathroom, the object of his love and lust was fast asleep. Still snuggled in the robe, with a corner of the bedspread flipped up to cover her feet. Rounding the bed, he saw that she had one hand tucked close to her chin...the hand holding the cell phone. She’d fallen asleep reading, it appeared. Jeremy retrieved the hardware and set it on the nightstand before joining her on the bed, carefully working himself into spoon position so as not to wake her. She looked peaceful and happy and like everything he’d ever wanted. Lying down beside her felt like coming home.
He decided not to tell her she’d drooled on her phone.
* * *
Jeremy woke up disoriented. Where were they? When was this? Then he half remembered but thought he must still be dreaming because they’d never gone to Hawaii on a vacation.
They were split-second thoughts, full of memories about the way things had been when they were really together. Painful but telling.
Amanda mumbled something incoherent. She sounded asleep, still. He was pressed against her back, one arm around her, and she was holding on to that arm like it was a teddy bear.
I’ll be your teddy bear. I can do that. I can be that. Whatever you need.
But teddy bears were a noble crew, unlike him. Amanda’s robe had come untied while they slept, and fallen open to reveal one of her legs all the way up to the hip. Stealthily, Jeremy slipped his arm from her embrace, freeing his hand to inch the robe back even farther. It was bulky between them, but the visual was worth it. The sweet curve from her knee all the way to her waist, an expanse of soft skin to admire and taste.
Sex on the Beach (Cosmo Red-Hot Reads from Harlequin) Page 5