by Amade, Melle
“Well, Aiden. He ignored me.”
“Aiden?” Zan’s sharp features become unusually still.
“It’s crazy, Zan.” I lean forward. It’s been bubbling inside me all summer and I have to tell someone, and that someone has to be Zan. “I didn’t even know I liked him until that night.”
“What does ‘like’ him mean?” Zan frowns.
“It means, like like. Not like grade school like. Not like friends like. Not like we like Roman like… I mean -”
“You like him?” Her skin is drawn tight and pale in the eerie dashboard light.
“You know what I mean?” My question ends in a hesitant squeak.
“I know what you mean,” Zan says.
“I kind of knew in the spring that I was starting to feel that way but it wasn’t until I knew he was going away and then he wouldn’t -”
The car comes to a screeching halt, back tires skidding to the edge of the cliff. I grab the “Oh Shit” handle with both hands. “Zan!”
“Please don’t do this to yourself,” she says, her voice low.
“What are you talking about?” I ask. “I’m not doing anything. I can’t help the way I feel.”
“Feelings change. Let it go.”
“Let it go?” I ask. “I’ve been waiting all summer to tell you this and all you say is get over it?” I want to rip the door open and step out over the ledge.
“He’s not your type.” Zan scratches the back of her hand.
“I guess he is or I wouldn’t have these feelings.” My fingernails are drumming on the door handle, snapping it back and forth.
Zan’s hands press into her cheeks as she turns to me. “Listen to me, Shae,” she says with a level of earnestness I haven’t seen since she tried to convince me not to bungee jump out of the Sanctuary and into the canyon when we were 13. “I’m being blunt to save you heartache. You are not his type.”
“So, now you know more about him than I do?” The answer ‘yes’ gnaws at my gut.
“You are beautiful, clever, and sweet. Really, really sweet.”
“But…”
“He’s… he’s…”
“Rich.” I say it because I know she doesn’t want to.
“He’s not just rich,” she sighs. “He’s filthy rich, old money, European stock wealthy. I’ve been to his other ancestral home in Holland. It’s… he -”
“He’s in a different league,” I murmur and my skin burns in shame as if I’m a peasant trying my hand at the prince.
“Yeah,” she sighs. “He’s in a different league.” Her hand covers mine. I want so bad to pull away, maybe even slap her, but I don’t. I can’t lose her again. Besides, she spoke the truth. He lives in a six-hundred-year-old manor that was brought here brick by brick from Holland over a hundred years ago. A manor I’ve never even been invited to. He wears designer clothes I don’t even understand and spends all his holidays in Europe. He’s so out of my league.
But, then, why did he look at me like that at Callum’s party? Why did he hug me and try to calm me down after I wrecked the food table? It was more than just friends. I felt it.
“C’mon.” Zan thrusts the car back into gear and interrupts my thoughts.
I press my face against the window to cool the heat that prickles me. I can still feel Aiden’s arms wrapped around me. We lurch along the dirt road in silence.
“You okay?” Zan’s voice is gentle despite her crazy ass driving. “Was she a real cow tonight?”
“Huh?” I ask. “Oh. No. Mild considering she caught me going out.” Guess we’re done talking about Aiden.
Zan’s hand squeezes mine. Lord, I don’t need her pity. We can’t all have perfect mothers who buy us jeeps, send us to summer camp, and let us go to parties. “I wish she could be nice to you,” murmurs Zan.
“We’re moving.” I throw up the tightly wound spring that’s been sitting in my stomach all summer. If we’re changing the subject, I’m all in.
Zan shoots a sidelong glance at me. “What?”
“Our house has been on the market since June.”
“Why didn’t you - in the messages…” her voice trails off into the darkness.
“It’s the kind of thing you have to say in person,” I mutter as I try to puzzle her out. She sounds confused but not, not hopeless, like I secretly hoped. We bump along in silence that I wait for her to break. I don’t know what I was expecting. A tear… a sob… an impassioned ‘you can’t leave me!’ I know I wanted more than silence.
3
Zan yanks the wheel sharp left and we skew into a car-packed clearing. Her headlights slice through the darkness to land on Aiden and Roman, perched on the dropped tailgate of Aiden’s black truck. A stupid smile breaks across my face. I can’t help it. Regardless of my feelings for Aiden, these are my friends, my peeps, my posse. I’m never more at home than when I’m anywhere with them. My heart swells as the deserted summer fades away. Aiden ducks his eyes from the glare of Zan’s headlights. His dusty brown hair falls forward sparkling with natural gold highlights. Roman pulls his 70-porn star, gold rimmed glasses out of the gelled nest of his hair and drops them over his eyes. Gold printed lines swirl over each shoulder of his white t-shirt. It gleams like a target against his brown skin. Zan aims her jeep at them and guns the engine.
“Zan!” My voice catches in my throat, but I can’t stop the laughter bubbling out of me as we careen forward. Zan lets out a scream of delight as she slams on the breaks, inches from impact. My breath catches in my throat, but Aiden and Roman haven’t moved a muscle, except to smile. Those guys are as confident, trusting, and in control as always.
“Where’s my beer?” Zan yells out the window at Aiden.
“In the cooler with the rest of them,” he smiles.
“Hey Chihuahua, not sure you should drink if you’re driving.” Roman yanks open Zan’s door. She pushes him out of the way and springs out of the jeep.
“My girl’s the DD tonight.” Zan tosses her sea of red curls towards me.
A smile warms my lips. Even if I’m moving, we’re still a gang… forever. My body relaxes in the bubble of our friendship. It’s like I saw them yesterday, not three months ago.
Aiden slides off the tailgate and walks over to my door with a smile that puts little flurries playing twister in the pit of my stomach. He opens my door and holds out his hand. I know he’s just being his old-school polite self as always, but it doesn’t stop the warm blanket from cuddling around my heart as I take his hand and step out of Zan’s jeep.
I miss my footing and fall right into Aiden. He stumbles back a step, but then stands firm, my whole body presses against him. His hands slide down my back to rest on my hips, he’s trying to steady me, tightening his grip on my waist and holding me to him.
“Hi,” he says and my world is in that one stupid word. My gaze is drawn up to his until it connects. Lightning flashes in his eyes.
My nerves react and my cooing starts, soft purring deep in my throat. Aiden exhales like he’s been holding his breath; his whole body relaxes, yet somehow seems more firmly pressed into mine.
“I’ve missed you,” he murmurs. My skin flushes red heat in the dark.
“I - I -”
“Quit bogarting.” Roman wipes out whatever I was unable to say as he pushes Aiden away from me. His strong brown arms grab me up in a huge bear hug, swinging me off my feet and around in a circle.
“Put me down, oaf face!” I scream, giddy and laughing.
“No way,” he cries and swings me up over his shoulder. “Now that I’ve got you I’m never going to let you go.”
“My skirt is too short for this!”
But, he can’t hear me because he’s singing at the top of his voice as he’s striding towards the party. “Never gonna let you go, gonna hold you in my arms forever!”
“Enough of the croaking!” cries Zan who’s walking behind us with her hands over her ears. I’m twisting around, trying to pull my skirt down, but giggling and swatting Ro
man at the same time.
“Gonna make up for the times, I hurt you soooooooooooooooo.”
“Put her down.” Aiden’s voice is low and calm. Roman’s singing fades, he steadies me and in seconds my feet are planted firmly on the ground.
“No need to get all alpha on me,” shrugs Roman as I adjust my skirt. My legs are two pale, awkward sticks. My cream mohair sweater has dusted little white hairs all over my pink mini-skirt. I look like I’ve been rolling around in dog hair.
“Urgh.” I brush at the offensive hairs. I glance down at my ballet slippers that looked so cute in the shop. The ground is moist from recent drizzle and now they’re covered in mud.
Zan is five steps ahead of me, keeping pace with Aiden as they head to the coolers. She wears ripped jeans, knee-high black boots and a black sweater with a scooped back that shows she’s not wearing a bra. She doesn’t need to, but it’s provocative anyhow. They’re all Euro-chic’ed out and I’m unkempt Barbie-dork.
Firelight glints off the gold decorative lines on Aiden’s black cuffs as his hand slips onto the bare skin of Zan’s back. My intestines plummet as my nails start clicking together.
Are they -
No. She would have mentioned it in the car.
I think.
Wouldn’t she?
I can’t move a step closer. The chill of anger is nipping around the top of my head. Breathe in the flowers, blow out the candles.
I scan the crowd for Roman, but he’s already deep in conversation with some nerd, hands gyrating in a scientific dance as he no doubt expresses yet another opinion about some failed chemistry experiment. I stand on the perimeter of the party where the bonfire glow can’t reach.
And just like that, we’re separated again.
This wasn’t what I had in mind when I thought I was going to hang out with my friends. Wish we’d just met at the Sanctuary.
“Ready for junior year?” Callum’s smooth voice startles me. He stands next to me in the shadows, his high cheekbones protruding like a cliff from beneath the breaking waves of his black hair. He watches me with unnerving calm. The green of his eyes is like a swamp. I breathe in the warm, rich scent of his leather jacket. It’s like a biker jacket, only more refined. Designer lines. Looks like he got a dose of Euro-chic also.
“Sure,” I lie.
He shrugs. We watch the party together in silence, like two outsiders pretending we’re a part of the world, but we both know we’re not, not really. The only difference is that it was Callum who left us; then it was me they left.
“Um, you know, I didn’t see you all summer, but, at your party…” I shrug. No need to mention the details. He was there. “Sorry.”
He glances down at my bare legs covered in goose flesh. “It’s warmer by the fire.” He slips a bottle of beer in my hand. It’s cold and hard beneath my fingers. “Come on.”
Zan’s laughter peels across the party as I follow Callum to the flames. Aiden’s holding court, hands sweeping through the air as he regales our classmates with some undoubtedly witty story of his adventurous summer at camp in Europe. Zan stands smiling at his side. The firelight reflects off gold threads woven into the left shoulder of her black sweater. I didn’t notice it before. The gold pattern oddly matches Roman’s, and, now that I think about it, Aiden’s too. I scowl to myself.
My hand inadvertently goes to my necklace, a fine swirl of gold draped around my neck.
“Get a room.” Callum pushes against a couple who seem to be fused together at the mouth, chest, and hips.
“Shut up, little brother.” Jon’s hand shoots out, tapping Callum on the cheek. He has a smile on his gloss-smeared lips as he wrests Callum’s beer from him. “Don’t you know it’s illegal for you to drink?”
Callum takes a quick step back and rips his beer from Jon’s hand. “Don’t tell me what to do.”
Jon’s face pales as lines crease his forehead. He leans forward and raises his right hand in front of his brother’s face. The firelight glints off the silver ring shaped like a bird’s claw, its talons wrap around Jon’s index finger.
“Remember I’m in charge, little brother,” he says. “Telling you what to do is my job. Or hasn’t Aiden’s dad schooled you, yet?” Callum’s body tenses. His hand pushes back his black hair and a spark of firelight reflects from the shadows of his eyes. His eyelids go to half-mast. Callum needs an intervention. My fingers tighten around the rigid neck of my beer as I step forward. Show no fear. It’s always helped diffuse Mom. Guessing it’s one of the first things Dad ever taught me.
I shift my weight and place myself between them. For once I’m glad I’m tall because I can look Jon in the eye.
“When did you get back?” My mouth is upturned in a pleasant hint of a smile and my eyes have a practiced innocent clarity. If it works on Mom, I’m pretty sure it’ll work here.
His body loosens and he smiles back, leaning towards me. The stench of whiskey wafts through the air. “You’ve grown up.” Jon cocks his head to the side, his gaze darts over my body.
“What college are you going to again?” I deflect his attention.
“Who said I’m at college?” he laughs. “I’ve been in Ireland.”
I glance at Callum, but he’s got his head thrown back as he chugs his beer. Why did he tell me Jon left for college? My eyes squint. How could Jon leave his brother alone to hang out in Ireland after their mother killed herself?
“You’re his only family!” How can he not see how much Callum needs him?
“Wrong again,” Jon says. “We have a very large family. And, I brought our uncle back.”
“It took you a year?” My voice swims in disapproval.
“What?” Jon’s arm falls off Naomi’s shoulders as he takes a step towards me. “Did you miss me, Shae?”
“No!” I raise an arm to deflect him, but I’m too forceful, I upset his balance and he bumps into Naomi. His smile vanishes. The mood I tried to change has snapped right back into place.
“It wasn’t my choice.” His voice is low, dark and dangerous.
“Stop it,” Naomi swats at him. Her long blond hair curls against his arm. “I haven’t seen you in a year. Play nice tonight. Don’t make me sorry I came.” She’s a cool breeze by the flames. I don’t think she can sense the danger. She’s fresh and perky, staring up into Jon’s face as if all her stars align there. Naomi wouldn’t regret coming out tonight even if it killed her.
“Oh, you won’t be sorry.” Jon entwines his fingers with hers, but glares at Callum. “No more staying at the Van Arend Manor. You’re at the homestead with me from now on.”
“I thought we’d be alone.” Naomi’s whisper is loud enough for all of us to hear.
“We will be,” he smiles.
She grins back, “Out here.” He nods and I can’t quite figure it out but they manage to walk off into the gloom lip locked in a juicy kiss.
Callum’s not watching them, though. His gaze is on me. My skin heats up in a micro-second.
“How was your summer, Shae?” Aiden’s voice startles me. I was so caught up in Callum I didn’t notice Aiden leave his fans. Callum takes another swig of beer, but he’s still looking at me as I turn to Aiden.
“Good.” I glance around for Zan or Roman.
“Callum, why don’t you get me a beer,” Aiden says.
“Sure,” Callum acquiesces. My head swivels from one to the other. That was weird. I’m pretty sure Aiden gave Callum an order.
“How have you been, Shae?” Aiden asks. I open my mouth to repeat my answer but he places a finger over my lips. “Really,” he says.
“It’s been a pretty quiet summer,” I say shrugging. “But, look, I’m really sorry about -”
“How’s your mom?” he asks.
“She’s okay.” I shrug, but he doesn’t look like he believes me. “Really.”
“I can’t help worrying about you.” His smile is rich and warm as he puts his arms around me, pulling me into a friendly hug. I stand there scrunched in
his grip, not daring to hug him back. It’d be too hard to let go. I just breathe into the moment wishing I could stop time.
A piercing scream shatters the air. Aiden and I break apart. My eyes find Zan in the crowd. Her hands are over her ears to block out the shriek. But, it doesn’t stop. It wrenches the sky in half. Someone needs help. Now.
Everyone looks around to determine where the scream is coming from. I point down the path where Naomi and Jon disappeared. A ferocious roar rises and collapses over the scream, swallowing it whole. It’s a wild animal. I think the ground and trees are shaking, but they’re not – I am.
Everyone in the party stands still for a split second, everyone except my friends. Roman, Zan, and Aiden race towards the beast in the woods.
Callum moves with me and we sprint towards the path. Shadows and fog envelop us as Callum pulls ahead of me. His arms stretch out and he leaps high into the air, but his body doesn’t come down. It darkens and shrinks as black feathers spring up across his torso. His eyes turn a piercing green. His face stretches forward and mutates into a raven’s head, his beak wide open as he shrieks out a caw and beats his wings furiously. I freeze.
Callum just turned into a – no - a bird? A raven? It’s - it’s not possible.
I hear air rushing like a torrent around my head. My chest heaves as air passes in a panicked wave through me.
There’s no way that just happened.
Roman, Zan and Aiden have disappeared into the forest. Others from the party bump past me as they surge into the woods. But, frozen, I watch the raven – the raven that a moment ago was Callum - disappear into the dark woods.
4
“Today we grieve as a community.” The preacher’s thick Irish brogue cuts above the wind howling outside the chapel. I don’t recognize him, but judging by his black hair and wiry frame, this must be Callum’s uncle. “We stand together to witness the loss of two of our flock who have been ripped from our arms.”
Rain pelts staccato against the frail windows. The coffins lay side by side, one black, one blond. The black is angular and so polished that even the dark day can’t dull its shine. Deep maroon fabric unfolds from its insides, plush and luxurious. It’s hard to imagine it cradles Jon’s dead body. His coffin’s open, but it’s not propped up. I’m so grateful. Hard to be in a room with one dead body, much less two. I don’t want to see them. Stiff. Empty shells of nothing. Never moving again. Not breathing. My palm presses hard against my collar bone at the base of my neck. I’m not sure if it’s to still my heart or feel my breathing, but I’m comforted by the rise and fall of my chest.