by Amade, Melle
My hands pull gently against his waist. I have to have him closer.
“Aiden!” Zan’s voice bombs my ears. “Where are you?”
Aiden springs away. My knees snap to attention as cool air rushes over me. I wrap my arms around my body.
“Down here,” Aiden sounds unperturbed as he leans against the stone wall.
“You’re supposed to be inside,” she motions behind her, “soothing the crowd.”
“I’m trying to fix things here,” Aiden shrugs.
Zan looks straight at me as she taps a small rock nervously against the stone terrace. “You shouldn’t be here,” she mutters. “I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just - you should go home.”
Did she dismiss me? My eyes are wide, mouth open. But Zan has already disappeared back into the wake. My head whips around to Aiden, who’s still leaning against the lower terrace wall with his arms folded over his chest. He’s studying his patent black leather shoes.
“Aiden?” I ask.
He doesn’t look up.
“Do you -” But, I can’t even finish the question. If he wanted me to stay he would say so. Right here. Right now. My body is sinking into the stone terrace, hardening up, losing sensation and then cracking from too much wear and tear.
“I -” his voice is choked as he pushes off the balcony. He’s coming towards me but then, he doesn’t.
If I go, he’ll stop me. My feet test him before I even want to. I walk away down the terrace towards the side of the house with a million hopes in my chest.
“Shae,” he says.
My head turns, but my body doesn’t. His voice was bereft, not welcoming.
“I can get someone to give you a ride home if you want,” he says.
“And by someone, you don’t mean you,” I say.
“I can get one of the valets to do it,” he says, but he won’t make eye contact.
“Your hired help?” I ask.
“I have nothing else to give you.” Aiden’s voice is strained.
“Then why were you just kissing me?” I ask. But, he just stares down the canyon at the abandoned zoo.
Chill sweeps down over my face, clasping it in a frozen mask.
Breathe in the flowers. Blow out the candles.
I don’t look back.
When I’m around the corner of the manor, I slump against the cold stone walls.
Breathe in the flowers. Blow out the candles.
I’m not wanted.
My skin prickles with the sense that someone watches me. I turn in a slow circle, but I’m alone. Then I make eye contact that sends a shudder over my shoulders and down my spine. A large raven perched high in an old oak tree glares down at me, its black eyes intent on my every move.
6
The rain starts as I slip out the front gates and past the glaring eagles. I duck my head and step into the storm. There’s no way I’m asking anyone for a ride home. It’s all downhill from here anyhow.
Headlights wash over me and a few cars slow to offer a lift but I wave them on. It’s not like I want to get home faster. If Mom’s in a bad mood it’ll be morose; even if she’s okay, she’ll ask stupid questions about the wake that I can’t even answer from the few minutes I spent there.
I turn off the road and start down the creek trail. It’ll get me home eventually. But, first, it’ll take me to the one place I really need to be right now, the Sanctuary. It’s pretty obvious Zan doesn’t want me around, but she can’t keep me from there. Dad built it for us. But, I’m the only one who’s been using it this summer. Maybe it’s just mine, now.
Darkness settles over the narrow path that weaves beneath the trees. Their black branches close over my bowed head, but don’t protect me from the rain. It’s slow going. My dress boots slip on the newly minted mud until the path finally evens out and opens up. But, the rain has softened and is now just a fine mist chilling my skin. The woods are quiet. Water drips from leaves, landing in puddles; but all the animals have sought shelter for the night. I’m the only one clambering through the woods.
I hope I’m the only one.
My footsteps are loud, but they don’t block out the shriek. I spin around, but it’s nothing, just the echo in my head of Naomi’s last scream… in these woods.
They’re dead.
And, whatever killed them is still out here.
The thickets that have always been a haven close in on me. I can’t escape the trepidation that dances between my shoulder blades, right behind my heart.
An animal slithers in the underbrush. My arm wraps around my stomach, but it’s a good sign. If it’s safe enough for animals to be out, it should be safe enough for me. If there were predators around, the woods would be silent.
It’s another ten minutes to the Sanctuary. I’m relieved to leave the main trail and slip onto the almost invisible path, which leads to our retreat. I quicken my pace. It’s been over two weeks since I last got up here. Tonight, I really need it.
The high bank rises above me. Out of childish habit I look left and then right before I duck down behind the natural wall of undergrowth that lines the bottom of the steep ridge. My hand slips into the dark, empty space behind the shrubs; I press into it and enter the tunnel.
I was so amazed when Zan first brought me here the summer of our seventh grade year. At first I’d been afraid to go in, it was so claustrophobic, but Roman and Aiden made it bigger. It’s the perfect entrance, too. Zan knew where to dig to get to the other side of the bank, and out onto the ravine. Still don’t know how she knew exactly where to dig.
The cool damp earth envelopes me as I drop to my knees and move into the warren. Every time it makes me smile, like the molecules of my body have just become lighter. It doesn’t matter how much I grow up, this will always be a magic world, a world where my friends and I rule.
Halfway through the tunnel my fingers instinctively find the switch to turn on the solar powered lights. They guide me the rest of the way out.
Even now, after months of being the only one up here, my ears still listen for what’s going on in the Sanctuary. It used to be that I would hear laughter or singing or conversations. Not lately. Tonight, like every other night this summer, there’s only silence.
I stretch out from the dirt burrow and onto the oak tree that curves its way all burly and firm from the side of the canyon. Seems like the last place you’d want to be is on a tree that juts over a seemingly endless drop, but the trunk is broad and its roots are firmly planted deep in the Topanga hillside.
My hands automatically splash in the water that falls next to our tree and down the canyon. The stream is swollen and cold from the rain, but my mouth softens as the muddy dirt washes off my hands. It’s like a font of holy water at the entrance to a cathedral.
I’d wanted to call it that, The Cathedral, but Aiden hadn’t liked it.
“It’s our sanctuary,” he said, even before we built it. My only response was to start that cooing sound deep in my throat. I was horrified. We were twelve years old sitting on a branch of the tree, our feet dangling out over the canyon, just the two of us, and here I was gurgling after he’d said one of the most beautiful things I’d ever heard, he claimed something for us, for all five of us. I slammed a hand over my mouth to muffle the sound, but Aiden had gently pried my hand away.
“Don’t,” he said.
“No!” I struggled as much as I dared while sitting in our precarious position.
“What is that?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“It’s beautiful,” he said and his whole body relaxed. “You sound so content, like a purring cat or a cooing bird. I didn’t know you could do that.”
“Neither did I,” I said and because he seemed to be enjoying it, I stopped struggling. We sat listening to my cooing as the gentle ocean winds floated over us and the sun dive bombed the horizon in a spectacular burst of oranges, reds, yellows and purples. It wasn’t until we could see the village way below, twinkle in the deepening dusk that w
e had stood up and made our way back.
I grasp the wooden railing and step out on the trunk. It’s still rustic, but it’s not the simple trunk it was before. The tree splits into five main branches, two that curve back to the earth and two that reach for the sky. It’s at the center of these five branches and then along them that we built the Sanctuary. I guess Dad built it, but we all designed it. We each picked the branch we loved the most and that was ours to do with what we wanted, within reason. But, Dad can do a lot. He’s pretty amazing.
I hadn’t been home much since we found the Sanctuary and Dad was worried, so he followed me one afternoon and found where we were hanging out.
“If you’re going to spend afternoons in trees,” he said, “I’m going to make sure you’re safe.” It took him six months to build the Sanctuary the way we had imagined it. During all that time he never said a word to my mom. She was pregnant with Henry and I guess he felt that I needed something special of my own. When it was done, he never came back and never asked about it. He never even gave me a knowing look when I said I was going to hang out with my friends. This place was our secret until I blew it and confided in Mom that it existed.
Stupid.
At least she never tried to come up here.
The railing guides me along the trunk and into the central chamber. It’s a simple room with a wood stove in one corner and red curtains hanging over the walls. The bean bags are a bit dusty now, but, tonight, I don’t care.
I’m home.
Zan’s nook is built along the branch that burrows back into the hillside. It’s almost like a den, but she has her computer station set up in there. I scoffed when she first brought it up here; there’s no electricity. But about a week later she showed up with the solar panels. She engineered them so they can’t be seen from Topanga village, but still get maximum exposure to the sun. After that, she was set. She could work late nights researching without disturbing her parents.
I walk by Aiden’s cubby but don’t look at his collection of old books, stacked in a hollow of the tree. They’re the perfect distance from the seat he half carved and half built on his branch. He can select a book at his leisure while still enjoying the panoramic views of Topanga. My heart flutters a bit as the ocean breeze mixes with the lofty air. It smells just like him, a rainy day up in the mountains by the sea.
He knows how I feel about him.
And…
I can’t be wrong. He’s a little into me, too.
My cubby is simple and undecorated. I only wanted it open to the canyon and big enough for the five of us to all fit. But, my favorite place is still the main chamber when we’re all together. I glance over at Roman’s dark laboratory and Callum’s dusty alcove. There’s nothing there for me. Better I stay in my own space.
“Hi, Kapchka,” I say, picking up the little squirrel that seems to always be at home here. “Sorry I didn’t get up to see you.” His little heart beats through his rib cage, his body warm and comforting in my hands as I carry him to the stream by the front of the cave. I’m sure he can take care of himself, but it feels good to do something for him; or her. I have no idea how to sex a squirrel.
I try to coax him to drink, but he’s not interested. But, we both hear it at the same time. His little whiskers twitch. There’s the scuffle of knees in dirt, people are coming through the tunnel. I’m up in seconds and sliding into the shadows of the branches. It can only be my friends but, after the way they treated me tonight, I don’t want to see them.
I hold my breath to see who emerges.
It’s Aiden, unusually disturbed as he scrambles out of the tunnel. “I didn’t mean to!”
Zan is right behind him; her hand is raised like she might swat the back of his head. “What do you mean you didn’t mean to? You looked like you were going to kiss her!”
“I didn’t!” He catches his forehead with his fingertips. “I wasn’t going to.”
My mind is a step behind their words.
“Liar,” she says.
“I - I can’t explain,” Aiden says. “It’s like I can’t stop myself.”
“Can’t stop yourself?” Zan looks like she’s about to punch him.
“I just -”
“We’re not animals. You can control your urges,” Zan says. I steady myself against the branches.
“I know!” Aiden says.
“Do you know how wrong it is on so many levels?” Zan says.
“Yes!” Aiden says. “Stop. Look, I’m sorry. That’s all I can say.”
Sorry?! He’s sorry he kissed me? My heart and head are falling past the pit of my stomach and into the canyon below. And, why is he apologizing to Zan?
“She knows something, Zan,” Aiden says.
“She doesn’t know anything. How could she?”
“Because, she’s not an idiot,” he says.
Great to know he thinks so highly of me.
“I know it’s not simple.” Zan grabs Aiden’s hands. “But, don’t ruin everything.”
Aiden pulls his hands away and holds them in the stream. He stares fixedly at them and scrubs the mud off his hands.
“I won’t,” he says. “I want to protect her as much as you do.”
“Protect me from what?” I step out from the shadows.
“Shae!” Aiden’s hands pull back from the water like its fire. The commanding boy from the wake is gone. His mouth opens, but no words come out.
“It seems like what I need protection from is you,” I say. “At least I’ll know better next time you kiss me.”
“You kissed her?” Zan sounds as shocked as I feel. Her hand cracks across his face. It’s almost as satisfying as if I did it myself. Only, I want to slap both of them.
“You two are dating, aren’t you?” I’m locked in a stare down with the one person I thought would never hurt me. The person I was sure I could trust with my entire life. And, I realize, in this moment, I don’t even know who she is.
“Yes,” Zan says without even flinching. My face heats up. I poured my heart out to her a week ago. She told me I wasn’t good enough for him. But, that wasn’t the case.
He is her boyfriend.
“Shae.” Aiden’s voice cracks, but I don’t care.
“I hate you.” My words are quiet, but Zan hears them. She doesn’t even flinch. Her face is a cold mask.
“You should,” she states, and my stupid eyes well up.
“Way to end a friendship,” I say, my ice cold words bite the air.
She doesn’t balk.
“Aiden and I started dating at camp.” She breaks whatever might have been left of my heart.
I don’t move a muscle. My legs are strong, like pillars. I won’t show them the pain that settles on my chest. “This is why you didn’t return my texts.”
“How could I?” she asks.
I can’t look at her anymore.
Waves of confusion flow over Aiden’s face. “I’m sorry, Shae.”
My ears fill with white noise. I can’t take it anymore. I need to escape. With as much dignity as I can muster I move past them.
“You can’t go out there alone,” Zan says.
“You’re kidding me,” I mutter. “You didn’t seem to give a damn when you sent me off from Aiden’s manor.” I spit the last word out so she knows I remember the conversation in her jeep. I remember how she lied to me then about Aiden being out of our league.
My best friend is a complete liar.
“I’ll walk you home,” Aiden says.
I spin on him. “No. You. Won’t,” I say.
“Don’t be stupid, Shae,” Zan insists.
“I don’t see why I should stop now,” I say.
“I can’t have anything happen to you.” Aiden’s voice is hoarse, head bowed. Zan’s eyes narrow on him.
“I’m safer out there with a mountain lion then I am in here with you.” I drop to my knees in the dirt and crawl into the dark tunnel.
7
The wind bends black branches towards me
as I race down the canyon path towards the creek. The path is dark and treacherous, but I don’t care, I keep moving. I want to get as far away from them as possible. My chest burns as I suck in and out the cool night air. Thorny scrub bushes tear at my clothes. The one place I want to be right now is curled up in my room, alone. It’s the only place I have left. The Sanctuary’s gone now. The place that was more home than home, the place my friends and I could hang out laughing, telling stupid jokes.
It’s all gone.
How could he have kissed me when he was already with Zan? When they’ve probably had sex?
My stomach pinches.
I sit on a cold hard rock. It feels good. I have to pull myself together. No way can I walk into my house upset. I couldn’t bear the questions from Mom. In the silence of the woods an eerie tingle crawls up my arms. They are unnaturally quiet. No animals rustle in the scrub, no night calls in the trees. I pull my sleeves down as much as I can and huddle into my dress. Don’t care that I left my coat at Aiden’s house. He can have it. Give it to his girlfriend.
The air rushes above me. My hair flies around my face and I yank it aside, staring upwards to catch the silhouette of a large bird, talons outstretched flying at me. Heart racing, I duck, but then it’s gone. The night is still and silent again.
My ears are peeled for the slightest sound. And, it’s there. The squelching, heavy tread of footsteps pressing into wet mulch. I have a dark secret hope Aiden has followed me. Maybe my sense he really does like me is true. Maybe there’s been some horrible mistake. Maybe they were playing some ridiculous prank. April Fools in September. Maybe he has some amazing explanation for all this.
Maybe...
Nothing.
It’s Callum.
“What the hell are you doing out here?” he asks.
My chest constricts. Wait. Did he – did he fly here?
His hip brushes mine as he sits on my rock. Nerves ripple under my skin.
“What are you doing here?” I scoot sideways, the rock jars against my butt.
“Patrolling.”
“Shouldn’t animal control be looking for the mountain lion?”