“He cheated on you?”
“It wasn’t really cheating, because we weren’t monogamous.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty normal in the gay world.” Ethan lay back down on his stomach. “I didn’t know that until Remi told me. I hated the idea of his being in the city all the time with all that temptation. But Remi said, ‘I’m not going to let some American teenager tie me down when I’m in the middle of my sexual prime, regardless of how cute he is,’” Ethan quoted, using an Australian accent. “After he disappeared, I promised myself that I would never date someone again unless it was just the two of us. It was too hard the other way.”
“So what happened?”
Ethan didn’t respond.
Alek scooched a little closer to Ethan’s bed. He said softly, “Tell me, Ethan. Please?”
“Well, one day in the middle of last summer, I woke up and he wasn’t here.”
“Stayed out all night again?”
“No—he was totally gone. He packed everything up and just disappeared, like he’d never been here. I mean, I knew there was stuff going on with his family back home—he wasn’t sure if he’d have enough money for the next semester, and I think his dad was sick. But I never imagined that he’d just vanish on me like that. He was my first everything.” Ethan paused for emphasis.
Alek looked at him quizzically.
“My first everything,” Ethan repeated.
“Oh!” Alek exclaimed.
“I mean, I’d made out with a few guys before him, but that’s it. By the time he disappeared, we’d already been together for months. And we were going real strong. At least, I thought we were. And then he was gone. No note, nothing. I asked my dad, and he said, ‘Didn’t he tell you? Remi bought his return ticket weeks ago.’ Something about his having told my dad and not me just slayed me. I ran from the kitchen table up to my room, put Rufus on repeat, and cried all day. I just couldn’t believe he would do that to me.”
“Did you try to e-mail him or anything like that?”
“Of course! But his NYU account got deactivated, so anything I sent got bounced back to me. And he never responded to the Facebook messages I sent him—not like he ever checked his account anyway—and I didn’t have his family’s number in Australia. Even now, if somebody wants to disappear, they just can.” Ethan took a breath and swallowed deeply. “When I kidnapped you to go into the city last week, that was the one-year anniversary of Remi’s departure. I hadn’t been to the city since, because it reminded me of him too much. But when I saw that Rufus had been rescheduled to that exact day, I took it as a sign. Honestly, I had such a good time with you that I didn’t even think about him, except for a few times at the concert.”
“Like during ‘Do I Disappoint You’?” Alek asked.
“You noticed?”
Alek nodded.
“That was our song, ’cause every time he’d come home after having stayed out all night, he’d sing it to me and I’d have to forgive him,” Ethan said wistfully. “I wish you could’ve met him, Alek. I think you’d have really liked him.”
“I don’t,” Alek said.
“What?”
“He sounds like a real jerk.”
“You’ve never even met him.”
“I don’t need to have met him to hear how shitty he treated you.”
“You don’t get it, Alek. Remi had an effect on people. I saw it happen to my dad, to his friends, to strangers, and it certainly happened to me.” Ethan sat up, searching for the right words. “Remi’s attention felt like a super-bright spotlight, shining just on you. It was like nothing else in the world existed. Being with him made you feel like you were really living, like every second counted.”
“And because of that he could treat you however he wanted to? He waltzes in here, gets you to fall for him, sleeps in your house, eats your food, doesn’t make any commitments, and then disappears without a trace. I mean, it wouldn’t have killed him to leave you a note, or tell you he was going to go so you could say goodbye to him. And what, they don’t have forwarding addresses or phone numbers in Australia?”
“You don’t understand, Alek.”
“I think I do.” Alek was getting worked up now, like he did when he talked about the Armenian Genocide. “You know, my parents are always asking me and Nik to think about what it means to be a man. And they’re not talking about turning eighteen. They’re talking about taking responsibility and being good to people and owning your actions. Remi might have been sexy and fun and had good taste in music, but I’ll tell you, he doesn’t sound like a man to me. I mean, look at how he treated you—a year later and you’re still hung up on him.”
“I always felt like I was just so lucky to be with him,” Ethan said.
“Don’t you see, Ethan? He was the lucky one.”
“You think so?”
“Ethan, look at you—you’re, like, the coolest guy at South Windsor, everyone likes you, you dress so cool, and you even ride a skateboard, for God’s sake!”
“It’s not a skateboard. It’s a shortboard.”
“Same thing.”
“It is not!” Ethan insisted. “Shortboards are better for tricks.”
“Okay—you even ride a shortboard! This guy totally took you for granted, because everyone I know would be thrilled to call you his boyfriend.”
“You know, when I came home after our day in the city, I just crashed, thinking about Remi and about how much I missed him. And then the next day was worse. And when you walked up to me at that ice cream machine, I just felt myself crumble inside. Around Remi, I felt like I was always trying to act like I was good enough. But around you, I don’t want to pretend or hide. That’s why I didn’t say anything in the cafeteria that day. I knew that in five seconds, I’d be crying on your shoulder.”
“That’s what it’s there for, Ethan.”
Alek leaned in, took Ethan’s face in his hands, and kissed him.
12
“You kissed him!” Becky shrieked, nearly choking on her Diet Dr Pepper.
“Keep your voice down. My parents haven’t left yet!” Alek whispered.
Becky and Alek were sitting on the bed in his room. The Tuesday morning sun blasted through his window, hitting a clock shaped like a robot that he’d received as a party favor at a friend’s bar mitzvah.
“Sorry,” Becky whispered. “But why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“It just happened yesterday. What did you want me to do? Call you from his room?”
“Well, it wouldn’t have killed you!” Becky blurted. “I’m your best friend. I have a right to know these things before they happen.”
“I’ll try to remember that.”
“Alek, is this the appropriate time to remind you how you were just telling me you’re not gay?”
Alek sat in silence for a moment. He could still feel Ethan’s lips on his own, a memory that felt like a dream.
“I guess I was wrong,” he said simply.
“I knew it. I knew it! That’s why you didn’t kiss me back. No straight man could resist my charms.”
“Honestly, I don’t know if I’m gay. I mean, I’m not going to say that I’m never going to kiss a girl again. It’s just probably less likely—like you ever making another friend.”
“I’m going to rise above your sarcasm because this is a very special time for you, and when you look back on it, I want you to remember what a supportive, loving presence I was.” Becky jumped up and started pacing around the room, which was as meticulous as the rest of the house. “Don’t stop. What happened after?”
“After what?” Alek asked innocently.
“After you kissed him, fool. Did he freak out? Did you freak out? Did you guys go all the way?”
“Are you kidding me? All the way?”
“Just tell me what happened.” Becky grabbed the Diet Dr Pepper she had smuggled in for Alek. “And no more drink for you until I know everything.”
Alek closed hi
s eyes so he could remember every detail. “You should’ve seen the look on his face. You know how cool and composed Ethan is? Well, if his eyes got any bigger, they would’ve met in the middle of his face.”
“Was it different? I mean, is kissing a boy different from kissing a girl?”
Alek sat back and searched for the right words. “It was totally the same, and totally different. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, and his stubble rubbed against my face. That was different.”
“I know some girls who have stubble.”
“Becky, do you want me to talk about this or do you want to crack jokes?”
“Talk! Talk! Talk!” She plopped down on the rolling chair at his desk and swiveled around.
“It was rougher. And I don’t just mean the stubble. Whenever I’ve kissed a girl, it’s been gentle. And sweet. But there’s something about kissing someone who’s bigger than you that makes it rougher. Not in a bad way. In a sexy way. You don’t have to hold back because you’re not scared you’re going to hurt them.”
“And did you feel like, ‘This is it’? Did music swell and fireworks explode and did you think to yourself, ‘This is what a kiss is supposed to feel like’?”
“It was like ice cream.”
“I worked at DQ. Trust me, it’s not like ice cream.”
“No, I mean, it’s like all my life I’ve been eating frozen yogurt. And kissing boys is ice cream.”
“I can’t believe how cool you sound right now.”
“Are you making fun of me?”
“No way, Alek.” Becky stopped pacing and looked out the window. “You know how you’re always blushing? It’s one of my favorite things about you. Anything vaguely embarrassing happens, and you go lobster. But you’re not even a little pink. I mean pink in the blushing way, not the gay way.”
Alek didn’t have to look into the mirror to know that Becky was right.
“You’re holding out on me.” Becky leaped on Alek’s bed and continued jumping up and down. “Tell me what else happened.”
“Okay, okay! Just calm down.” Alek took a breath and waited for Becky to settle down before he continued. “Honestly, we just sat there kissing for a while. I don’t know how long, because I lost track of time, like when you’re watching a really good movie.”
“Like a really good Audrey Hepburn movie or a really good Katharine Hepburn movie?”
“Becky,” Alek admonished her.
“Never mind—I know what you mean.”
“Well, he got over the shock of my going in for the kiss pretty quickly. And besides being a guy, he’s also the first older person I’ve ever kissed. He really knew what he was doing.”
Becky rolled on the bed in excitement, kicking her feet in the air and almost knocking over both Diet Dr Peppers.
“And then?”
“Sometime later, we heard a knock on his door, and I almost jumped up in the air, I was so surprised. Turns out his dad had come home and we were too busy—um—doing things to hear him.”
“I’m sure you were.”
“So we … disengaged, and his father says through the door, ‘You in there, Eth?’ And Ethan goes, ‘Yeah, Dad, with a friend,’ in a way that was clearly not an invitation, and his dad goes, ‘Well, hope you guys are having fun,’ and we almost died laughing. His dad went away, but the moment had sorta passed, you know?”
Alek couldn’t believe that Ethan’s father hadn’t insisted on meeting his guest, the way Alek’s parents would’ve. But then again, the idea of his parents inviting someone to live in their house the way Ethan’s dad had invited Remi would never occur to the Khederians. Alek waited until he couldn’t hear Ethan’s father’s footsteps before he spoke.
“You really don’t think your dad knew about you and Remi?” Alek had asked Ethan after his father left.
“I don’t think so, but honestly, we don’t talk about those kinds of things.”
“You mean, he’d freak out if he found out you’re gay?”
“Look at my room, Alek.” Ethan pointed to the cocoon of men’s faces, chests, abs, and asses staring back at them. “If you were blind, deaf, dumb, and mute you would still know I’m gay. My dad doesn’t care about that. I’m just not close to him in that way. We talk about books, or music, or sports. Not about the personal stuff. And I’m pretty sure he knew Remi was gay when he invited him to live with us. He either didn’t put it together or it just didn’t matter to him,” Ethan had explained. “Now that I think about it, I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to about Remi, the way I am now with you.”
Alek looked at Becky, realizing how lucky he was to have a friend like her.
“What happened then?” Becky asked.
“We talked for a while, you know, not about anything really, just talked. Then I realized how late it had gotten, so I had to come home.” Alek lay down on his back and used a pillow to prop up his head. “I wonder what it’ll be like in school tomorrow.”
“Very awkward,” Becky said. “What’re you going to do? Hang out with the D.O.s? Maybe you should practice burping, farting, and smoking so you can blend in.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“It was considerate of you, since you decided to have your first boy-on-boy action on a Monday, to do it the day before July Fourth so you could use the holiday that celebrates this nation’s birth to process the experience with your best friend.”
“Happy Independence Day,” Alek said.
“Right back at you, kiddo. Shouldn’t we go to a barbecue or something tonight?”
“I guess,” Alek said. “But with my folks leaving today, I’ll probably just stay home.”
“Well, Alek, I’m really happy for you. Honestly. Remember that gay uncle I told you about who didn’t come out until he was already married with kids? Think about all the years he lost. And here you are at fourteen, which is not nearly as old as it sounds, and you’ve already figured this out about yourself. I mean, you did have your best friend helping you, but still.”
Alek waited for a sarcastic comment to undercut Becky’s earnestness, but none came. “Thanks, Becky,” he said gently.
“Are you going to have a coming-out party?”
“What?”
“Like a Southern belle. A coming-out party. You can invite me and Jason and Matthew, or whoever you used to hang out with when you had friends. And wear a pretty gown. We’ll bring presents.”
“Why don’t you just bring the presents and we can skip the gown?”
“Doesn’t work that way.”
“Well then, I don’t want your presents. Besides, I know you’re saving up to buy those blades.”
“Already got ’em.”
“What!?”
“I’m going to have to kiss that skating camp goodbye, but I made enough in my two weeks of working in frozen hell to buy these bad boys.” Becky jumped off the bed and pulled a pair of shining new silver Rollerblades out of her book bag.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me sooner.”
“I think your first homo kiss is bigger news than my Rollerblades. But now that we’ve covered that, check ’em out. Aren’t they be-a-u-ti-ful? They’ve got bigger wheels, so I can basically break the speed of sound. And they give more ankle support, and the wheel alignment’s better. I think I’m in love.”
Alek examined the Rollerblades carefully, inhaling their new-store smell. “Where are the brakes, Becky?”
“Please. Brakes are for beginners. The harder tricks, like skating down rails, are impossible with brakes.”
“Check you out.”
“Well, I guess it’s time for us to get rid of the things that are slowing us down,” Becky said pointedly.
“Are we done talking about you?” Alek asked. “Because I need some advice.”
“Don’t let him get to second base until the third date. Guys think you’re easy otherwise.”
Alek smiled in spite of himself. “Where do you think this will look better?” he asked, taking a poster out of hi
s closet and rolling it out for Becky to see.
“Who is that?”
“Andre Agassi.”
“Isn’t he, like, the best tennis player in the history of the game?”
“Was. He’s retired now. This picture is from when he wasn’t just the best player in the game, but also the hottest. My uncle gave it to me as a birthday present last year, and I’ve been wanting to put it up for months, and now I’m going to.”
“Don’t you think your folks will wonder why…”
“… I’m putting up a poster of a famous half-Armenian athlete? ‘I’m just honoring my heritage, Mom and Dad, like all good Armenian boys should.’”
“Look at you, already putting up posters of hot men. If being a gay guy doesn’t work out for you, you can try being a straight teenage girl.”
“Where should it go?”
“Put it over there. That way you can stare at it from your bed before you go to sleep every night.”
Alek positioned the poster on the wall so that Becky could tell him if it was centered. After a few adjustments, they switched places so Alek could make sure he liked how it looked from the bed.
“I’m really glad you told me about this, Alek.”
“Who else would I tell?” Alek replied simply.
Even though Alek felt like he could tell Becky anything, that didn’t mean he had to tell her everything. For example, he had decided to omit Ethan’s initial reaction to being kissed.
After recovering from the shock, Ethan had pulled away immediately. “I don’t want a pity kiss from you, Alek.”
“A what?”
“You felt bad for me because I was telling you about Remi, and that’s why you kissed me.”
The anger in Ethan’s voice surprised Alek, but didn’t deter him. “Who’s being crazy now, Ethan? If you don’t want me to kiss you, I won’t. But trust me, I’m not doing it out of pity.”
Ethan considered this. “Yeah?”
“You heard me, dude,” Alek responded, playfully punching him in the arm.
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